Lady Gaga Vampire-Bites Santa Claus

It’s easy to stray from the story of the manger. Especially at a time of year when it is common practice to calculate how much the love in your life will cost you, while welcoming eggs into what you drink. Between deciding whether or not it will confuse the newly potty trained puppy to bring a tree in the house, and where exactly to hang the skull ornament your first grader made at school, you may pause to ask yourself, as many of us do, what all this has to do with Jesus. Have we gotten a little off track?

Indeed. But it’s not as bad as you think. What helps me is to look at how, for example, a whole culture of vampire lovers have emerged by morphing Slavic superstition into American icons, and look at how well that project is going. The vampire-obsessed sure know how to have their bright lights and cheap thrills and leave it at that. And I mean really, there’s no reason why vampire-lovers should be able to accomplish anything that Christmas lovers can’t. That just seems wrong. So I’ve taken the time to look at what the vampire craze may have to teach us those of who don’t know when to let their guard down and leave a holiday alone.

In lieu of 12 days of Christmas, let’s look at twelve things that Jesus and Vampires have in common. I hope you’ll excuse my rashness, but I’m about making the holiday spirit accessible.

1. Both Jesus and the Vampire are misunderstood loners with superhuman strengths.

2. They have the shared experience of being hunted down and staked.

3. They are both high profile celebrities who make terrifying guest appearances.

4. Both have conception histories that are a bit shady.

5. Both of them have inspired best-selling books.

6. Both have a knack for attracting women who are in it for the long haul.

7. Both have some followers who seriously consider their existence.

8. Both of them consider their flesh being eaten a compliment.

9. Both encourage us that what dies wants to come back.

10. Both of them only get more popular when you try to kill them.

11. Both of them make sex unnecessarily complicated.

12. Both have inspired special occasions that entail blood drinking.

Hopefully now we can get words like “ritual” out of the way and guiltlessly puncture the myth that you have to be loyal to just one tradition to have a good time. As the Twihards have taught us, having a good time on Christmas depends on just how much of yourself you are willing to mindlessly give. How hard can it be?It’s all about laying awake in the dark wondering whether or not a strange man will show up at your house; half-hoping he will be distracted by the food you have left him and half-hoping he will stay. It’s about telling our kids stories that will make us seem more mysterious. It’s about buying stuff. It’s about eating. And in some twisted, roundabout, heavily disguised way, it’s about love. If the Edward Cullen stocking wasn’t enough to get you loose, here’s some other gifts that might help the process. And if all that doesn’t satisfy, there’s always lady Gaga vampire biting the head off of Santa Claus.Happy Holidays, everyone. And to all a good bite.

Image 1: blog.beliefnet.com

Image 2: mondomonkey.com

Image 3: myconfinedspace.com

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