New Moon Rises, Werewolves Attack: The Twilight Saga Returns
It’s official: Keep your daughters close. A new evil has been unleashed.
“New Moon,” the latest installment of “The Twilight Saga” based on the Stephen King panned, best-selling books by Stephenie Meyer, has arrived on the big screen. According to Forbes.com, the highly anticipated, hugely publicized movie has already become “the top advance ticket-seller in the 10-year history of Fandango” and is expected to gross more than 100 million dollars this opening weekend. Which means that if you were hoping to catch a matinee of “Fantastic Mr. Fox” this Sunday, be prepared–all across America millions of teenage girls and, forgive me, Twi-hards will be mobbing the multiplexes in droves.
In all seriousness, though, I must confess that despite my disinterest in Meyer’s books–and the fact that I was not disappointed when my Netflix DVD of the abominable “Twilight” froze up and refused to play the last twenty minutes of the movie–the trailer for “New Moon” does look, well, sort of fun. I’m vaguely interested to see Dakota Fanning and Michael Sheen (aka David Frost) as vampires. And there’s also the intriguing fact that the Monsignor Franco Perazzolo of the Vatican’s Pontifical Council for Culture has declared the film a “deviant moral vacuum.”
But none of this means you’ll find me anywhere near a movie theater this weekend. I’ll wait for the hormones of the Edward/Jacob groupies to calm before I even think about a public screening. But when, and if, they finally do, there’s a slight chance I might catch this one in theaters.
Part of the draw for me is that from what I’ve heard Robert Pattinson/Edward doesn’t have much screen time in this one. Apparently, in this installment of the “Twilight” series, the focus is on–gasp–the werewolves more than the vampires. Which is why we’ve been hearing so much about this new kid, Taylor “Amazing Abs” Lautner (Taylor Swift’s “Tay Tay”) who plays Jacob, Bella’s new werewolf bf.
Sure, I’ve always been–surprise, surprise–more of a vampire than a werewolf-type girl. And I’m sure Hollywood agrees when I say that vampires are, hands down, much sexier. But for me those vampires aren’t of the Robert Pattinson variety. I’d much rather see a pack of CG werewolves running around than a scrawny, constipated, teenage vampire any day.
There’s also something to be said for the kind of sexuality that werewolves represent. Unlike vampires, they maintain their humanity; they are humans with an affliction. When the full moon rises, they turn from ordinary men, and sometimes women, into ravenous animals. They shed their sexually repressed human skin–nudity is a necessary step in their transformation–and give into their animal urges. Even Mormon Stephenie Meyer is with me on this–she had werewolf full frontal nudity in her books.
Which doesn’t mean we’ll be seeing anything more than a few shirtless teenage boys in “New Moon.” Apparently, that PG-13 rating is much more important than seeing Tay Tay’s Tay Tay…
Follow us on twitter@thefastertimes