Are Koalas the Animal Kingdom’s Biggest Stoners?

There is a legend that all Koalas are simply high all the time because the Eucalyptus they eat as their only form of nutrients is a hallucinogen. Though koalas rarely live in urban areas, we will consider this an urban legend.

There are two ways to investigate: either eat and act like a koala and see if I feel high, or get high and see if I feel like a koala. One of these methods is a way to accurately test the urban legend’s validity and the other is just an excuse to get high and question my humanity. Though the second sounds more fun, this is for science, so I decided to eat Eucalyptus.

As with any scientific study, though I needed a control, a baseline of how high I seem/look/feel without going on the Koala diet. I did seven years of research by looking at my photo IDs from when I was 15, 16, 18, 21 and 22 to see how stoned I looked. I learned the following:

1. I went from looking like I was 6 years younger than I was to overcompensating when I discovered my ability to grow facial hair in a way that consistently destroyed my face.

2. I am more willing to show my teeth over time.

3. I should try a new haircut. Going from bowl cut to grownup bowl cut isn’t actually a change in style.

4. I look like I’m high all the time.

This constant need to self analyze and paranoia that I’m looking too high also seems to imply something about my state of being.

My first attempt at research resulted in watching four hours of videos of koalas on youtube, but then I started to compare the actions of these koalas with the symptoms of stoners.

1. Loss of short term memory.

2. Munchies.

3. Warped understanding of time.

4. A Lack energy, being tired.

5. What was I talking about?

None of this was tangible evidence so I bought some eucalyptus to eat before watching Step Up 3D. I figured if I did get high, I wanted to enjoy it with splashing puddles and break-dancers that pop and lock the fine line of reality. I drank four cups of eucalyptus tea and chewed on the leaves. Nothing happened. That’s a lie. I had to pee a lot, but that is not a sign of getting high.

Look, I don’t know if Koalas are high all the time, and after doing this research I tend to think that I might just be high all the time. Maybe being high is just a social construct. Maybe being high is relative. Maybe being high has to be compared to your normal state of being and it’s impossible to be high all the time because you have to compare it to being sober. Maybe I sound like I’m high right now.

I think we can all agree on one thing. Twelve year olds should not be allowed to put videos on the internet.

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