The Legend of the Misused Condom
In high school I thought the one thing I was missing out on in life was sex. Other people were having it, and I was not. And I lived in America – the country founded and run on envy – so I thought it must be amazing. Sex was a giant party that everyone got invitations to except me, and then they posted the invitation list in a public area so that everyone knew I wasn’t invited and felt bad for me, but not bad enough to fuck me.
Supposedly there was a group of friends in Arkansas who were invited to that party. The four teenagers were comprised of two couples and shared one car. The car was home to both their adventures on the road and their adventures in the proverbial bedroom. Just as the four people were really two couples who shared one car, they thought it wise to share one condom. Somewhere in some underfunded sex education class striving to straddle the line between teaching abstinence only and actually teaching, they had heard vague whispers about how they shouldn’t reuse condoms. But rules were like condoms and they were meant to be broken. They figured that if you turned the condom inside out between sessions then you were safe from diseases. This makes sense because… I don’t have any idea how that makes sense.
The story continues on to court where Female B is suing Male A in a paternity suit because her child has his genetic material despite being the result of Male B’s humping. Confused? They were.
I wanted to test this out first hand, but I had no car, friends, or people willing to have sex with me. Plus I didn’t really want to ruin my life for this article. So I turned to Google. “Strange Paternity Cases” provided insight only into our obsession with the abandoned children of Keanu Reeves. “Paternity Prophylactic Lawsuit” led me to some interesting condom soup recipes. It wasn’t until I dumbed down my search to “Inside Out Condom Case” that I found that this Urban Legend is no legend at all. The great condom exchange took place in Kansas not Arkansas, but after this discovery can’t we all claim Kansas as OurKansas? Halfassed puns aside, this article elucidates some interesting points about the court’s views about sperm. Sperm is consistently thought of as property of the male dispensing it and he must be careful where or how he spreads his seed – in other words: Clean Up.
My childhood obsession with Mr. Rogers forces me to attempt to pull a moral out of this story. I’ve decided that it is that I should be grateful for my inability to have teenage sex because telling stories about the sex that others are having is better than having to fight over a child with my best friend, only now realizing that I can’t share everything with him – specifically condoms.
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