Hey David Letterman, How About a Real Doll?
Once upon a time, I knew a sex addict very well. My “friend” (whom he was married to) said their first few months together were a fun romp. But once sex became an obligation, she couldn’t keep up and he had to seek outside “help.” This man’s sense of entitlement was so great–he was so blinded by desire and self-satisfaction–that when she yelled at him in the heat of divorce, about his “thousands of affairs,” he was taken aback, completely aghast, that she would accuse him so. His reply: “There were only four, Amy.” As though 10 or 15 affairs would be too many, but four was a reasonable number.
Earlier this month, we had to watch as yet another celebrity was revealed to be doing something naughty. Judging celebrities on their bad behavior gets a little tiresome to me. But okay, David Letterman had to fess up to all the sex he partook of with his staff (apparently we’re talking about more than four staffers). Obviously I’m clueless about how many is “too many,” so I can’t judge Dave on that. Diagnosing Dave with a sex addiction is out of my professional realm as well, yet I don’t think I’m so off target when he meets the addiction criteria of American Psychiatric Association (DSM-IV). Albeit a relatively new consideration, sexual addiction today is even being treated clinically. So, when his first words to the public were “I have to protect my family,” I started thinking about how he–and all sex addicts out there–might protect their families before stepping outside their relationships.
Now, the experts all say that Dave and Regina should keep things private after his admission. That he should spend some quiet time with her. They may be alone, but I guarantee you she’s not keeping quiet. She may not be bothering to say anything to us, but there’s some screaming going on behind those closed doors. Okay, let’s pretend that it was an open marriage: Dave seems to be pretty capable of pretending, and as for the public’s response, believing theirs was an open marriage is a way of protecting Regina, making her seem like less of an oblivious fool. Marriage has a surreal quality to it anyway. But alas, that’s Regina and Dave’s business, not ours.
What made it our business was when Dave announced it on national television, and well, inquiring minds want to know: Does this make Dave a scumbag? I don’t have a definitive answer to that, but he did inflict some pain. It’s also hard to believe he’s going to stop doing what he’s been doing for at least the last 48 years. So, how about Real Dolls? You’ve probably heard of them: silicone, life-size, anatomically correct “companions.” Some reports claim they’re a lonely man’s dream come true. Others argue that Real Dolls help creepy men stay creepy. (Disclaimer: there are male Real Dolls, but the rate of sales and available selection are so much higher for the female dolls, that I’ll save that for another story. For now, I’ll have to rely on sexist statements–but yes, there are female sex addicts.)
Having a Real Doll might help Dave, and others like him. Their starting price (without any extras) is around $6,000–although, like buying a car, once you start adding on the extras (like elf ears and facial expressions), it can really add up. Not cheap, but on Dave’s salary it’s a drop in the bucket, and definitely less expensive than a $2 million extortion bill. Right now, with the bad economy, the Real Doll company is offering monthly specials. Last month it was a free face with purchase!
Besides the cost savings, the Real Doll provides everything else that men like Dave are hungry for. Always need that euphoric rush of first time sex? Real Dolls come with replaceable body parts. You can get just about any hair color or body shape you desire: Ten female body types, and 16 interchangeable female faces are available. The body and head are sold separately, and if you like a girl that you can just fling on the bed at the perfect angle (i.e., flat on her back with her legs spread), you can get the Flat-Back Doll that’s just a torso.
Interestingly, the parts of the doll that wear out first are the feet. Yep. The Real Doll is so real that she weighs the same as a chubby Ralph Lauren model–75 lbs. That’s a lot of chick to have to haul around the house. I mean, not everyone wants to do it in the bedroom night after night: Sometimes you’ll want to bring her to the den for TV watching, or maybe the kitchen for a little something-something on the linoleum. And dragging a woman around by her hair is just so caveman-like. A real man with a Real Doll can wrap his arms around her waist and stumble together with her to the next room. But don’t worry about that little foot problem. You just order a new pair!
One drawback of the Real Doll is that (unlike women who are real with a small “r”) they have no natural body heat: unless he’s into necrophilia, a Real Doll owner will probably want to wrap his synthetic lady in an electric blanket to warm her up first, which can really put a damper on spontaneity. Luckily, Dave has that “bunker” above the Ed Sullivan Theatre where he could store his stash of Dolls. He could request that his choice Doll be pre-heated while he’s busy working. Surely, he has an intern who could be in charge of this chore.
Dave could have a whole harem of Real Dolls, and it wouldn’t really be like stepping out. He could get a variety of faces and body types and it would seem like he had as many women as he does now, without the personal involvement, without chance of extortion, and Regina would know that he was still true to her…sort of. The Lettermans could go about their business as a happily married couple, whatever that is in their eyes. Dave could go to work as usual, and spend every commercial break with a different real doll. Lunch hour with the brunette, coffee break with the large-breasted Flat Back. By the time he got home and kissed his wife and kid goodnight, it might come as something of a relief.
There’s just one thing missing that could ruin my whole idea. David Letterman could have all the sex dolls, Real and not, in the world. He could replace their faces and feet, and keep their bodies fresh, warm and plentiful. But the only way Dave can truly ”protect his family” is if one particular part inside of him is real.
Follow us on twitter@thefastertimes
- 1 First Openly Straight Figure Skater Comes Forward
- 2 Brooklyn Man Now Living Entirely Off Own Beard Garden
- 3 “Cra Cra” Now Official Diagnosis in New DSM (DSM-5)
- 4 OfficeMax Marketing Director Struggling to Make Staplers ‘Sexy’ and ‘Conversational’
- 5 Homeless Guy Woos Silicon Valley VCs with Low-Tech Crowdfunding Startup
- 6 Area Man Tailors Life To Be More Relevant To His Hulu Advertisements
- 7 Fan Banging Furiously on Glass Could Be the Difference in Hockey Playoffs
- 8 Survey: 88% of Eagles Fans Too Drunk To Spell Nnamdi Asomugha Last Season
- 9 Attorney Actually Starting to Believe Own Bullshit
- 10 Local Mom Won’t Stop Being First Person to Like Every Goddamn Thing Son Posts to Facebook