“I sleep with Adam Lambert’s dad,” I have been told by a special someone, is a tacky way to introduce myself. But I have run out of explanations, and that seems to be the most succinct description, and well, one that shuts everyone up. But I’m not ready to shut up about it. I do sleep with Adam’s dad. I live with Adam’s dad, but apparently there isn’t a word for what I am. I’m not Adam’s stepmom, nor is he my stepson (stepstar?) because I’m not married to his dad. But I’m having sex with his dad, and I’m paying a mortgage with his dad. But, I’m not a wife. So what am I? What do I call the relationships in this non-traditional household of rockstars, sinners and one fellow who before the 2009 season thought American Idol was a game show?
It was somewhere between the first few horrific audition weeks of scathing remarks from Simon and the last week when one of the American Idol directors grabbed my arm and pulled me out of a camera view of a “family shot” with the explanation, “Amy, I leave my conscience at home for this job,” that I introduced myself with my tacky quip to the mother of contestant Megan Joy. I was standing with Adam’s dad and mom, Eber and Leila. For weeks all of Middle America (who apparently not only believe everything Sarah Palin tells them, but also believe that reality TV is reality and not staged at all) had blogged about Eber and Leila. What a close family they seemed to be, the bloggers said, wasn’t it wonderful that they had stayed married after all these years? Even my own mother was sending me emails asking why every Wednesday night the show kept putting Eber and “and that other woman” next to each other. “That’s Adam’s mom,” I kept telling her. But the whole thing–our entire raucous experience of American television’s circus–was about Adam, not about me. I don’t have many maternal instincts, but I do have one: the kid comes first. While bloggers and my mom continued to speculate and ask who is that other woman–the bloggers meant me, and my mom meant Leila (my mom’s level of concern much greater than any blogger) — I’ll be the first to state that this was never some big controversy. Eber and I tried our best to ignore it. Okay, he ignored it, and I cringed when I had to say, “He’s my boyfriend’s son”–like I just got a date with a rock star’s dad, like I’m a roadie, a statement way too temporary for what we all really are to one another.
But, in the same way that I like to pop bubble wrap, pick scabs and gnaw on gristle, I wasn’t going to leave the question of what I should call myself alone. It had presented itself in the past, but never quite so publicly. And, while I figure not everyone lives with the father of a rockstar, very likely other lovely readers are out there who have encountered the same awkwardness, or at the very least wondered why paramours get their own word and living-in-sinners don’t.
This really begins with what is the right terminology for my relationship to Eber. Boyfriend/girlfriend is the word I used when I was a teenager. But I’m 45, and my relationship is an entirely different one than what I had with my boyfriend in high school (thank god). I don’t feel I need to explain to strangers that Eber and I are committed with a legally binding document, and that we live together — have for several years — and fully intend to spend the rest of our lives together, which is the rough definition of marriage. There were no bridesmaids, no five-tiered cake, and no tulle or veil. I’m too old for that, we each had one of those already, and we don’t feel it’s necessary since we don’t plan on having kids of our own. “My long term life partner” sounds not only cold and unemotional, but it’s way too long (five words is too many). I thought about using the term “husband” loosely. Allegra Huston, author of the memoir Love Child, told me she refers to the man she lives with, who is the father of her son, as her “husband she’s not married to.” I like the humor in that, but it’s still too long, and “My husband I’m not married to’s son,” doesn’t work either (see five-word rule above). The word “Partner” alone sounds too cowboy, or like he’s my business partner. “Lover” instantly creates a visual that is too private, and S.O. always makes people respond with, “What? S.O.? (pause for mind flipping to 1972 memory files). Oh. Right. Significant Other.” I could have saved them time and just said, “The man I sleep with who happens to be the father of Adam Lambert.”
The issue starts with what I call the father of the rockstar, then continues with what do I call his son? I mean, besides, “Adam” which is how I address him. But what is the relationship I pass on to acquaintances, co-workers, or total strangers, and those incessant gossipers? Or, my mother (who doesn’t understand why I’m not on the cover of Rolling Stone too) who without any qualms tells her friends she’s Adam’s stepgrandmother (she’s had all of one Christmas dinner and five scotches with him). This is when I realized it’s more than just a stumble bumble of words. Stepson would be the easiest word to use. But stepmom/stepson, can be bothersome to some. I received flak for using it in a column for The Writer’s [Inner] Journey.
According to dictionary.com “stepmother” is The wife of one’s father and not one’s natural mother. I’ve heard and read the stories–when the stepmom over steps her bounds. I’m afraid this ain’t The Brady Bunch, “Here’s the story…of a lovely lady…” I can also see where the biological mother is coming from–no way does she want anyone claiming any maternal rights to her child-she went through the labor, the worry, and all the discipline and caring. She deserves that title “mom” more than anyone, and hands off to anyone else.
I’m certainly not asking for any sympathy here, just a new vocabulary for our not-so-new standards of living. Perhaps we even need to re-think the word “stepmom”-first get rid of “step.” It’s so Cinderella evil. And you have to get rid of the “mom” portion unless it applies in that unconditional-raised-them-to-be-the-rockstars/politicians-they-are-destined-to-be sense of the word. The mother/child relationship is sacred, and I don’t want to intrude on that. But without step and mom, there’s no word at all. I tried to come up with a new word, but neologisms aren’t my strong suit.
This is about more than just the territory of who is whose who, but I’d rather avoid turning this into an article for Psychology Today, so instead I’ll stop there. I just want a couple of new words. Hell, I’ll settle for just one: What do I call Eber?
Apparently, we who do not go to a courthouse or church and provide public affirmation of our commitment and love to one another are freaks of nature. Our relationship is too bizarre to get its own word. So, I’m going with that. “My outré.” It’s an adjective I’ve turned into a noun–romantic poet’s license. I can proudly say, “My outré’s son is Adam Lambert.” Over the years, the dictionary will show the word’s derivation, the history, and it will say something like…
[American, from Middle America - noun. Began with rockstar familial relationships, but evolved into common usage. Originally French adjective - bizarre, freakish, past participle of outrer, to pass someone, from outre, beyond, from Latin ultrā; see al-1 in Indo-European roots. See pop culture 21st century.]
Amy Wallen
Amy Wallen is the bestselling author of MoonPies and Movie Stars, a frequent contributing book critic for the Los Angeles Times and other national magazines. Amy is also the founder and comedic host of the reading series DimeStories, 3-minute stories ...
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Adam Lambert, Adam's stepmom, Amy Wallen, boyfriend/girlfriend, Leila Lambert, living in sin, moms, mothers, Neil Lambert, non-traditional marriage, relationships, rock star, rockstars, Rolling Stone, significant other, stepmom
Fleur says:
Amy, thanks for taking the time to ponder and write on this topic. When I first flipped through the channels and found Adam for the first time during MJ week, his talent amazed me and I got hooked on the show. Like many curious viewers, I was interested in his family and tried to get a look during the two second audience shots. For weeks (maybe months), I was under the impression that Adam's parents were married. Although usually quite comfortable with my single-parent status, I actually had a self-degrading conversation in my head about how our "broken home" was sure to be a real set-back for my kids, and even with their great potential, it was unlikely they were going to catch their dreams like Adam because of their crappy divorce-ridden childhoods. One of my teenagers eventually explained to me her theory that conflict can bring color and strength to one's life and I should be more realistic about what a good job I'm doing - no drugs, pregnancies, bad report cards, etc. Since then, I've met "the other woman" who was exceedingly pleasant. While I don't imagine sipping champagne with her one day, I won't write it off the books of possibilities. I feel safe with my kids around her, and not surprisingly, she's the first one that doesn't seem to be making ultimatums about marriage and new babies, so I think she might last longer than the others. I'm kinda hoping so.
Finally, your article prompted a healthy start of a conversation with my kids about what dad's girlfriend is and will be to them. No conclusions have been made yet, but I do appreciate your words helping to open the conversation and open my mind to the importance of language in our culture really reflecting what you mean, need and are. Good job.
Mary says:
It's a conundrum. I've taken to calling the woman my father sleeps with my stepmother, mostly because it takes up less Twitter characters, despite the fact that a few years ago she and I had explained to her daughter/my sister that no, Janelle wasn't my stepmother,
I already had a mother, it's just that there weren't always words that were exactly right for all sorts of families. Thanks for reminding me not to take the easy lingual way when the truth's more complex and varied.
Cassie says:
What a white-trash, classless act you are. Who cares what you call yourself. Stop mentioning your name in the same sentence with Adam. I hope Eber knows he can find someone better than a person who'd write an article using his son's fame to gain publicity. This just gave me hives it's so wrong.
Kat says:
You make some good (and entertaining!) points in this article.
A relationship is a relationship, regardless of a signature and a couple of "I do's". It's sad that people still do not seem to be able to grasp the fact that you can live with someone and be in love, but not be married to them.
As for labels- I'm thinking your own creation at the end is the one. Who needs old labels? They just cause all this unnecessary frustration and confusion.
Jordana says:
BLOGGER OSHI: YOU DESCRIBED PERFECTLY WELL AMY'S TRANSPARENT,OBVIOUS INTENTIONS TO WRITE THIS ARTICLE. WHAT A PATHETIC WAY TO GET NOTICED!!!
Kim D says:
I have a couple of reactions to this article.
1. You have an excellent point. I always referred to myself as my partner's non-spouse. It gets the point across that you are in many ways fulfilling the role of ersatz spouse but also makes it clear you two have chosen not to get married.
2. You completely undermine your point by name-dropping Adam. He is such a focus of public attention right now that bringing him into your article immediately derails whatever you were trying to say. You also don't mention whether you sought his blessing to write this so to me the article comes across at best as exploitative and gratuitious-coat-tail-riding and at worse a gross violation of your non-son-in-law's privacy.
Elek says:
Hi Amy. What a beautiful piece of entertainment (and informative) reading. Adam should be proud to announce to the whole world that you are his Dad's wife and therefore, his stepmom. Now I understand why Adam has such a good character, he is surrounded by good-hearted people like you. As a true growing fan of Adam, I'd definitely would want you to share with us more about him. Thanks for the good read!
Sammy (Bravo to you!) says:
As a seventeen year old, I know I am way too naive to understand what you must have gone through while your significant other's son rocketed into fame on a reality TV show that thrives on clean-cut, salt-of-the-earth life stories. As an Australian, America's fascination with cookie cutter families seems rather narrow minded to me, but I digress. But what I wanted to say was this: please DO NOT let any of the negative comments left on your article get to you. There is a certain (small, I hope!) sect of Adam Lambert's fans who thrive, rather delusionally, on overreacting to anything they consider even the least bit harmful to him. Ignore them; they're wrong and worse, they give the whole fandom a bad name. I was especially appalled to see blatant sexism in some comments (See oshi. On second thought, don't). Ironic since the least you'd expect of a Lambert fan would be inclusiveness and zero sexism (considering the majority of us are female). However most of us Adam fans (I hope), are mature enough to recognize the very important, and valid point your article made. And I definitely do see why you had to include certain details about your private life (and by extension, Adam's) in order to make that important point. Your question about what you should call yourself kind of rang a bell with me because my mom and dad are unofficially seperated; and mom often struggles not to sound definitive when she still refers to dad as her husband. I suppose 'lover' is a bit too cheesy? IDK. Anyways, loved your article. Thank you for writing it. I wish you all success in all aspects of your life. x
sargraf says:
Amy, I hope you don't pay too much attention to the hateful comments and crude language being left here. They don't represent how all of Adam's fans feel; they certainly don't represent me. Some people will react to anything remotely personal about Adam or related to him with possessive outrage. I'm sorry you're having to see the ugly side of it now. I personally admire how honest and self-aware you are in this article, and how intelligently-written it is. Your comments about the word "stepmom," in particular, were quite poignant to me. I find it ironic that you should be asked to keep your feelings and your experience closeted or anonymous, simply because the son of the man you sleep with is famous now.
Jordana says:
LEILA AND EBER SLEEPING TOGETHER WON A GENETIC LOTTERY CALLED ADAM. AMY,YOU ARE THE OTHER RESIDENT AS NEIL LAMBERT CALLS YOU (WHAT A TALENTED WRITER WOW),SO,do you WISH TO BE NOTICED AT ADAM'S EXPENSE????
adamfan says:
the truth being edited
Myra says:
Loved the entirety of what you have intelligently written and please don't mind all those negative feedback because those were maliciously typed by those Adam Lambert haters. His fans would definitely love to learn more about him -- past or present.
Susan L says:
Amy, I enjoyed your writing, and this piece. However, I am surprised that you do not recognize here how similar your situation is to the thousands of gay couples stuck with inadequate terms like "partner", "boyfriend/girlfriend", "lover", etc--who have no legal options to change that status. Perhaps that is too serious a consideration for this mostly lighthearted piece.
I have always been a proponent of marriage for all, because I believe public ritual is meaningful and legal/cultural protections are helpful to a relationship. However, for those of you who eschew that, I hope an appropriate descriptor can be found. I say go with the French, they are both the most particular about language and open to diverse categories of adult relationships.
And by the way, now you know that when you mention "Adam Lambert" in something online, you are going to get more than you bargained for in the reply department!
MIlla says:
I find it curious that AI would show Drake on screen without problems, but would pull you off camera. Very curious. I find it more curious that in an article that is ostensibly about word choices and the need for linguistics to catch up to new cultural patterns, you made the choice to sensationalize your headline by a Google-Alert catching sexual reference to the father of a new, hot celebrity.
Marie says:
Being a child of divorce, one of the hardest parts is wrapping your head around your parents being with other people. So for you to blatantly that "you sleep with Adam Lambert's dad" shows that no, you do not have a maternal bone in your body. Poor kid.
Louise says:
Over here in Italy, the grown-up boyfriend in a steady relationship that did not nvolve a marriage ceremony is called your "compagno" - companion. I like that. But I do feel at this stage in one's life, and with a 'child' whose upbringing you're not called upon to be involved in, you're not really any relationship at all to the son (sorry - no tv here, who IS Adam Lambert?)...just a friend or housemate...
lisak says:
I had the same problem living with my (now) husband for 20 years before we got married. My parents had a huge problem figuring out what to call him ..
We liked "amiable consort" which we saw on a gravestone once ... Being in DC we sometimes joked we were "unindicted co-conspirators" ...
As the years went by "partner" became kind of universally accepted as a term so we went with that ... Companion is also a pretty comfortable term
Your part of Adam's extended family ...
We have increasingly interesting and non=standard families in our culture now - we're just going to have to get creative!
Judith says:
I am annoyed that there were false assumptions being promoted on the so-called reality show, American Idol, about Adam's family situation. It's sad that when Fox pushes AI as a family values type endeavour, that lies are O.K. to maintain the "wholesome" image of a family still intact. But why does this happen? Why was Amy pulled away? Because the American psyche demands it. "It's all smoke and mirrors" as Adam put it when talking about his appearance. (Dyeing his hair black to fit the "rocker" image.) If we don't have the attributes to measure up to the public's view of how we should look and act, then we'll just make things up. We'll pretend. We'll outright lie if we have to. It's sad.
Amy, while I feel for you, I would prefer if you would just say that you live with Ebert. The sleeping with him is just one part of your relationship, yes? Mind you, sex sells, or so we are told and so the American psyche demands that it be there front and centre.
Don't worry, we do the same stupid things in Canada.
Chris says:
Wow. At my advanced age I don't shock easily but I am shocked by the appalling lack of taste and discretion of this article. Woman, you should be ashamed. You had no business even being there at those performances, and you should have taken yourself out of any photographs without waiting for someone else with a better sense of right and wrong to do it for you. You have nothing to do with Adam, no right to even mention his name, and you and this paper should both be ashamed of trading on that name to promote your unfortunate commentary and gain any advantage whatsoever. My prayer is that Eber's and Leila's marriage and their family will be fully restored, and the damage done to Adam and Neil from their parents' divorce will be healed, that Adams' new fame will be the catalyst to bring it about. I pray also for you that you might learn the truth and set your feet on your own path, away from this family with whom you have no connection, whom you have no right to disturb, and to whom you can bring only more pain and separateness.
And there is a word for what you are: paramour. Look it up.
Raquel Javier says:
Name-dropper. What if Adam did something else for a living and wasn't famous? Would you introduce yourself at parties as "I sleep with a Walmart employee's dad?"
pw says:
I'm not quite sure why all these Adam fans are coming down on you, seeing as this article has almost nothing to do at all. That being said, I think this is a great piece of writing. Kudos to you.
Sammy says:
WOW...loads of second hand embarrassment for the idiots who have left negative comments for this writer.
WTF is wrong with you people?
What makes you think that Adam appearing on American Idol gives you the right to be such nasty and negative people, especially if you think it's on his behalf. I think it's safe to say he'd be appalled and disgusted.
Amy, you commentary was entertaining and I can see where your dilema comes from. Perhaps just refer to Eber as "MY MAN" LOL...
JJ says:
Who cares? I hope you have a wonderful life with the people you love.But why do you need to address this kind of private story to the world? I think your lovelife has nothing to do with Adams life. Why do you use his name? Negative Neil,his real brother wrote a really funny story about when one of the family suddenly became famous,in a smarter way than this.
Sammy says:
sorry to respond again but Chris, dear, you need to take your medication. How do you or any of the other freaks who have responded know what Amy's relationship is with Adam? She's been with his father for YEARS, are you assuming that she never speaks to Adam and has no familial type relationship with him? GMAB.
and she had to right to be at the performances? are shitting us? where do you get off saying something like that? you sound INSANE just so you know.
I'm almost ashamed to call myself an Adam fan thanks to the disgusting behavior of some of you. Y'all are starting to make the Clayfans look intelligent and sane and that's no easy feat.
Neighbor Nichole says:
Thank you Amy! Some friends and I have this discussion often about what to call our "S.O." I love that "living in sin" was one of the tags. Much love to you and Eber. You guys are awesome! Adam is lucky to have you both in his life.