“I sleep with Adam Lambert’s dad,” I have been told by a special someone, is a tacky way to introduce myself. But I have run out of explanations, and that seems to be the most succinct description, and well, one that shuts everyone up. But I’m not ready to shut up about it. I do sleep with Adam’s dad. I live with Adam’s dad, but apparently there isn’t a word for what I am. I’m not Adam’s stepmom, nor is he my stepson (stepstar?) because I’m not married to his dad. But I’m having sex with his dad, and I’m paying a mortgage with his dad. But, I’m not a wife. So what am I? What do I call the relationships in this non-traditional household of rockstars, sinners and one fellow who before the 2009 season thought American Idol was a game show?
It was somewhere between the first few horrific audition weeks of scathing remarks from Simon and the last week when one of the American Idol directors grabbed my arm and pulled me out of a camera view of a “family shot” with the explanation, “Amy, I leave my conscience at home for this job,” that I introduced myself with my tacky quip to the mother of contestant Megan Joy. I was standing with Adam’s dad and mom, Eber and Leila. For weeks all of Middle America (who apparently not only believe everything Sarah Palin tells them, but also believe that reality TV is reality and not staged at all) had blogged about Eber and Leila. What a close family they seemed to be, the bloggers said, wasn’t it wonderful that they had stayed married after all these years? Even my own mother was sending me emails asking why every Wednesday night the show kept putting Eber and “and that other woman” next to each other. “That’s Adam’s mom,” I kept telling her. But the whole thing–our entire raucous experience of American television’s circus–was about Adam, not about me. I don’t have many maternal instincts, but I do have one: the kid comes first. While bloggers and my mom continued to speculate and ask who is that other woman–the bloggers meant me, and my mom meant Leila (my mom’s level of concern much greater than any blogger) — I’ll be the first to state that this was never some big controversy. Eber and I tried our best to ignore it. Okay, he ignored it, and I cringed when I had to say, “He’s my boyfriend’s son”–like I just got a date with a rock star’s dad, like I’m a roadie, a statement way too temporary for what we all really are to one another.
But, in the same way that I like to pop bubble wrap, pick scabs and gnaw on gristle, I wasn’t going to leave the question of what I should call myself alone. It had presented itself in the past, but never quite so publicly. And, while I figure not everyone lives with the father of a rockstar, very likely other lovely readers are out there who have encountered the same awkwardness, or at the very least wondered why paramours get their own word and living-in-sinners don’t.
This really begins with what is the right terminology for my relationship to Eber. Boyfriend/girlfriend is the word I used when I was a teenager. But I’m 45, and my relationship is an entirely different one than what I had with my boyfriend in high school (thank god). I don’t feel I need to explain to strangers that Eber and I are committed with a legally binding document, and that we live together — have for several years — and fully intend to spend the rest of our lives together, which is the rough definition of marriage. There were no bridesmaids, no five-tiered cake, and no tulle or veil. I’m too old for that, we each had one of those already, and we don’t feel it’s necessary since we don’t plan on having kids of our own. “My long term life partner” sounds not only cold and unemotional, but it’s way too long (five words is too many). I thought about using the term “husband” loosely. Allegra Huston, author of the memoir Love Child, told me she refers to the man she lives with, who is the father of her son, as her “husband she’s not married to.” I like the humor in that, but it’s still too long, and “My husband I’m not married to’s son,” doesn’t work either (see five-word rule above). The word “Partner” alone sounds too cowboy, or like he’s my business partner. “Lover” instantly creates a visual that is too private, and S.O. always makes people respond with, “What? S.O.? (pause for mind flipping to 1972 memory files). Oh. Right. Significant Other.” I could have saved them time and just said, “The man I sleep with who happens to be the father of Adam Lambert.”
The issue starts with what I call the father of the rockstar, then continues with what do I call his son? I mean, besides, “Adam” which is how I address him. But what is the relationship I pass on to acquaintances, co-workers, or total strangers, and those incessant gossipers? Or, my mother (who doesn’t understand why I’m not on the cover of Rolling Stone too) who without any qualms tells her friends she’s Adam’s stepgrandmother (she’s had all of one Christmas dinner and five scotches with him). This is when I realized it’s more than just a stumble bumble of words. Stepson would be the easiest word to use. But stepmom/stepson, can be bothersome to some. I received flak for using it in a column for The Writer’s [Inner] Journey.
According to dictionary.com “stepmother” is The wife of one’s father and not one’s natural mother. I’ve heard and read the stories–when the stepmom over steps her bounds. I’m afraid this ain’t The Brady Bunch, “Here’s the story…of a lovely lady…” I can also see where the biological mother is coming from–no way does she want anyone claiming any maternal rights to her child-she went through the labor, the worry, and all the discipline and caring. She deserves that title “mom” more than anyone, and hands off to anyone else.
I’m certainly not asking for any sympathy here, just a new vocabulary for our not-so-new standards of living. Perhaps we even need to re-think the word “stepmom”-first get rid of “step.” It’s so Cinderella evil. And you have to get rid of the “mom” portion unless it applies in that unconditional-raised-them-to-be-the-rockstars/politicians-they-are-destined-to-be sense of the word. The mother/child relationship is sacred, and I don’t want to intrude on that. But without step and mom, there’s no word at all. I tried to come up with a new word, but neologisms aren’t my strong suit.
This is about more than just the territory of who is whose who, but I’d rather avoid turning this into an article for Psychology Today, so instead I’ll stop there. I just want a couple of new words. Hell, I’ll settle for just one: What do I call Eber?
Apparently, we who do not go to a courthouse or church and provide public affirmation of our commitment and love to one another are freaks of nature. Our relationship is too bizarre to get its own word. So, I’m going with that. “My outré.” It’s an adjective I’ve turned into a noun–romantic poet’s license. I can proudly say, “My outré’s son is Adam Lambert.” Over the years, the dictionary will show the word’s derivation, the history, and it will say something like…
[American, from Middle America - noun. Began with rockstar familial relationships, but evolved into common usage. Originally French adjective - bizarre, freakish, past participle of outrer, to pass someone, from outre, beyond, from Latin ultrā; see al-1 in Indo-European roots. See pop culture 21st century.]
Amy Wallen
Amy Wallen is the bestselling author of MoonPies and Movie Stars, a frequent contributing book critic for the Los Angeles Times and other national magazines. Amy is also the founder and comedic host of the reading series DimeStories, 3-minute stories ...
Read more about Amy Wallen ->
More on these topics:
Adam Lambert, Adam's stepmom, Amy Wallen, boyfriend/girlfriend, Eber Lambert, Leila Lambert, living in sin, moms, mothers, Neil Lambert, non-traditional marriage, relationships, rock star, rockstars, Rolling Stone, significant other, stepmom
Karen Swank-Fitch says:
Love it! Why does it have to be labeled? We gave my friend Johnna the name "Grauntie." Although not actually related, she's much like a grandmother and an auntie to my son. I guess the best way is to make up your own definitions. I so miss being with you in Thursday Night Writers!
Miles Standoffish says:
I still think "partner" ("spouse" sounds like a viral infection) is the way to go. Its succinct and creates solidaritry between the living-in-sinners and our gay/lesbian brethren and sistren. Perhaps someday we may convert the Breeder majority and relegate the terms "husband" (see: animal husbandry)and "wife" (See: Stepford) to the ashbin of history with Sire, Lady, and Concubine.
Ulli Duvall says:
Love your article
sorry that you even have to address it
It is 2009 and people are still so weird in this country
Sometimes i wonder if they still use rocks to make a fire
Glad to see some people are more open minded than others. If they cannot accept the way you live, pack up and move to Germany..that is where I'm from we don't care who you live with.BTW i met the son of the guy you're sleeping with backstage in concert..and i think the whole family is so cool which of course includes you.Love the way you write. Maybe just tell him you have a boyband...boyfriend/husband you are living with lol
tij says:
There is a term for the both of you ---
DOMESTIC PARTNER = "a person (not necessarily a spouse) with whom you cohabit and share a long-term sexual relationship"
This article could have been written in 100 words or less.
Dan Rolph says:
wonderful essay. thank you.
GutsyWriter says:
Call Eber, "L'homme de ma vie," The man of my life. If you say that in French, People will say, "What's that?" and you'll say, "he's the man of my life," and they'll say, "Oh, how sweet."
Just a thought. Coming from Europe I always like to make comparisons. For example, in Denmark, my best friend never married the man of her life until very recently. When people asked why? she said, "if we get married, we'll pay higher taxes, so we save money this way." Many might agree with you, as money talks in the U.S. I really enjoyed this post.
steve jones says:
i really enjoyed this. it's smart and funny -- a good piece of writing. why shouldn't she talk about adam so long as she has interesting things to say? something tells me that adam can handle it...
ajay says:
Same situation here, only my partner's sons aren't famous. When writing to them I call them "what ev's", as in "my special what ev..." because there is no word for them. I'm not their mom; they have a darned good one already, I am just me. To my friends I simply call them "Joe's sons". I'm ok with not having a label to attach myself to them.
Charisma says:
So guess what, most people get married so they can call their partner wife/husband, this is not brain surgery! Don't mean to be rude, but most people don't care about who u are, it's your problem what u want to be called..sheesh!
BJo says:
This is just creepy and exploitative. It may be somewhat forgivable since the author may be new to celebrity, but if not, she should be ashamed. Anyway, the topic is passe by about 30 years.
David K says:
Um, seems to me that it's not Amy who has the problem, but some of the people who leave comments here. It's an interesting article. Nothing to get so worked up about...
Anja says:
Hi Amy, I read your piece with interest and was entertained and stimulated. Thank you! I was struck by the fact that some AI producer yanked you from the family photo. Truly, that was an unwholesome and calculating thing to do. It would have been much more truly wholesome to celebrate the love between Eber and you. Instead, someone made what they thought was a commercial decision and no doubt dressed it up as appealing to smalltown values. This kind of fear-based false idealism in the presence of a fast evolving social environment is so uninspiring and small-minded/hearted.
I was also struck by the expression in your piece of the human need we have to find our identity or status through our relations (Someone's wife, someone's daughter, somueone's luvah). Anyone who overdramatises that layer of your piece and castigates you for it is I think projecting. We all haev this human need. AND at the end of the day, I and I think, you, will only be satisfied by being known for ourselves and our own creativity. Its not an easy road to follow.
I also started to wonder about how it must feel to be related to Adam, given what has happened at this point in his life. I am sure there would be both ecstatic and challenging feelings that would come up. I would love to hear more about the different textures of that human experience being part of the family of the emerging world wide rockstar and also being connected with someone (Adam) who is changing and revealing himself and his gift at an accelerated pace! Thanks Amy!
Vickie R. says:
Well Amy, I guess this is one of those "Damned if you Do & Damned if you Don't" situations. Looks like you just can't please everyone. I am a huge Adam Lambert fan and not by any means would I want to see anyone exploit him in any way and I just don't see where this article does that. I thought it was witty and well written, not offensive and certainly not anything that would hurt Adam. You are part of his extended family and should be recognized as such and I'm sure Adam feels the same way. I wish I could come up with a clever "label" for you, but I can't....but maybe bette than I can't...we have way too many labels for people as it is.
Cate says:
Amy, please ignore all criticism, you sound like an awesome person. Well, I'm gay and I introduce my partner as "my partner"! I like it, b/c it means we are 50/50, you know? We share everything equally. It has gay implications, but it doesn't have to. I absolutely agree to never use "lover", I hate that. I do have one question for you, though: How many of your friends are trying to get to Adam? LOL!
Mel says:
Wow, hope you ignore the KAH-RAZY unleashed in some of these comments. If it helps, I suspect the criticism stems more from a (um, slightly overdeveloped) protectiveness of Adam than anything against you personally. While Idol apparently did their best to airbrush you out of Adam's reality storyline, the couple of articles you've written in the past (love your story of you and Leila gleefully toasting Adam with champagne while watching one of the broadcasts after you got back from the taping) make it clear that while it is unconventional, your family unit is extremely loving. And that's all that matters.
However I don't think you've solved your (and society's) nomenclature conundrum yet. I think the chances of getting the oh so French "outre" to catch on America are slim to none. I wish I had a suggestion for you, I racked my brain (for a full two -- maybe even three -- minutes!) but couldn't come up with anything better. Ah well, regardless of the opinions of a handful of overzealous Adam fans, I think you are a thoughtful and hilarious person with an apparently indefinable but wonderful just the same family. Oh, and P.S. please keep writing.
Solie says:
Great article. I'm one of those moms who don't like the term "step-mother" when referring to the new wife. I'm the mom, no one else. But you seem like the coolest non-wife new wife. If you were my ex's new wife/whatever, I'd get drinks with you. Loved hearing your perspective. I like how you question the conventionality of AI, it seems Adam did the same. I'm sorry that all these other Adam fans are attacking both the article and you, there's no excuse other than they're over-due for a rabies shot.
Angel says:
I have only admiration for the Lamberts because of who Adam is and how he carries himself with dignity and self-respect being true to himself, a genuine authentic person. And for his humility and graciousness, I have always commented it shows good breeding and makes his parents PROUD.
Though I found humor in your article, i could feel the shock when I was reading it. I thought it should be left unsaid, that would be keeping the integrity of the Lambert family I have come to admire. Nobody was bothering about you so there's no need to be out there. Better judgment would be just keep to yourself. Sooner or later, it will come out but not from your own initiative. That would have been more dignified. Anyway, as Adam's fan, nice to know you.
James_Padfoot says:
Interesting, though it is so very human to box and categorize everything so the world makes sense. Which of course means people get left out, or boxed in. I guess the 'right' term is up to individual perception, easier said than done when the world is watching, of course.
Cheers, t'was a good read.
Rrain says:
This really spoke to me, and the awkward situation I find myself in sometimes. My father lived with a woman for fourteen years before he passed away, and though I still call her my stepmother in most situations, there are certain assumptions made when I use the term and more often than I'm comfortable with I find myself having to explain our familial relationship (particularly since she is certainly still my family, even though my father is no longer with us). It's uncomfortable having to justify my family because our culture has evolved to include these relationships without the language yet evolving to talk about them.
I would imagine it's even more uncomfortable to be denied the right to even claim the relationship.
While there may be some options for what you call your partner (and I agree that none of them really carry the right connotation without becoming unwieldy), there really don't exist any for what I would call my father's partner to describe her relationship to me, nor for what she would call me, as her partner's child. And that's a shame.
yue says:
Oh my Ra, what is wrong with these commenters? Oh, that's right, they're batshit Glamberts. Ignore them, Ms. Wallen. Your article is perfectly fine. Witty, valid, and no Adam exploitation that I can see. A+.
@TWATTER: I LOVE YOU, BENCH.
Andrea says:
I thought your article was thought provoking. I've always found language and labels in particular to be an astute indication of society's current cultural currents.
P.S. I agree. Adam is a rockstar!
Danielle says:
Very interesting article. Ignore the few batshit commenters, the internet is clearly a breeding ground for the crazies. I'm a huge Adam fan, btw, and you should all be very proud, as you clearly are. :) Again, fascinating read.
VancouverLovesAdam says:
Oshi Oshi Oshi... Are you that same Oshi from Adam Official? If you are, then you don't like anybody do you? The Christians offend you, God forbid they form and group to talk about how much they love Adam. The people that "live in sin", without the benefit of clergy offend you. I was giving you the benefit of the doubt, but you really are just a Hater, aren't you? I have one thing to say.. "GET OVER YOURSELF"!! Amy seems like a wonderful and interesting woman who happens to be a WRITER. That's what she does - so of course she is going to write about HER life, and she has every right to do so. She has not shamed or embarrassed or used anyone from the Lambert family. She is completely writing from her point of view and does not spill any gossip or anything negative about the Lamberts. She has stepped aside and stayed quiet and out of sight to benefit Adam. I know a lot of women who would have refused to do so, and made sure that everyone knew their place in the Lambert fold. Amy has not done anything wrong and from the way that Eber's kids seem really taken with her, (per Neils' blog) proves that she has folded into the family beautifully and is a woman of tact and class. Leila and Amy also get on great which in a testament to both women. The entire family seems lucky to have her in their lives. So again, get over your self, and save your outrage for a situation that truly requires it. Love you Amy ... mwoa!!! I vote for "partner". My "husband" and I are legally married, but we prefer the more egalitarian "partner" to reference each other, so much less chattilian (sic:made up word).
Jennifer Tifft says:
I hear you. There are many times when I wish the English language had more words for relationships, not just for clarity, but also for nuance. Thank you for a thoughtful and amusing post!
Amanda Kelly says:
Oh, this is always difficult - I agree, we need a new term. I'm separated from my outre (not sure how to add the accent on my keyboard!), so I tend to say 'ex-husband' and then anyone who wants to see the wedding photos, I explain 'common-law' husband. It would be fun to come up with a good term. Does 'ex-outre' make sense? I didn't watch AI (being from another country), but you're wonderful for working in with the machine in order to support Adam. It's nice to hear you talk about your experiences - hopefully things might change the more obvious it becomes that conventional doesn't cut it any more.