29 Ways to Know If You’re Dating a Douche

Over the course of all the dates and message correspondences I’ve engaged with over the past few months, I’ve been making a list. I like lists. I like them so much that my high school boyfriend once told me he thought I was slightly autistic. This list is a work in progress.

How to Know if You’re Dating a Douche (By me and my little brother. I just told him that I’ve been keeping a dating blog. He asked me if I’ve “done it” with any of my dates. Oh lord.)

Has he ever said, “I only eat until I’m satisfied”?

Has he ever called New York or San Francisco a European city?

Is he an “aspiring” something?

Does he try to frown while he’s smiling?

Does he pee sitting down?

Does he tell people he graduated college and is now enrolled in “the school of real life?”

Do you just have to meet his favorite college professor?

Is “listening” one of his favorite hobbies?

Does he call “history” “herstory”?

Does he wear glasses without lenses?

Does he have lenseless glasses for different occasions?

Do none of the presidential candidates “do it” for him?

Is his dog “part of the family?”

Should you listen to his best friends “up and coming” band?

Does he point out how he actually does LOL when he writes LOL unlike other people?

Does he use the word “gay” to mean happy, and pretend like he doesn’t know why people are laughing?

Is he looking for “grownup love?”

Does he want you to help with his splatter painting?

Does he think Obama looks good for his age?

Is he learning how to roll his Rs?

Did he start wearing Ray Bans before they were cool?

Did his 1/36th Cherokee friend, Jeremy Running Wolf Goldstien, teach him to say “Indian American” instead?

Did he sprinkle hope into the homeless man’s cup?

Is his school noted for its diversity?

Does he ask if he can kiss you?

Is he “disgusted” by how unfaithful men are these days?

Does his little sister say he looks ugly nude?

Does his little brother say he looks ugly nude?

Has he adopted a star and named it Hillary Clinton?

If you’ve answered Yes to three or more, he’s a douche. Get out while you still can!

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