Is Marvin E. Quasniki America’s Next President?

Marvin E. Quasniki is a Republican candidate for president of the United States. A turquoise farmer from Tonopah, NV, Mr. Quasniki has already inspired billions of Americans with his sincerity, charisma and fiery campaign mantra: “No Bullshit.” He is an Aries. Please visit the Quasniki headquarters at to see all of Marvin’s campaign videos, and follow him on Facebook and Twitter @MarvinEQuasniki.

The Faster Times recently had a few minutes to sit down with Mr. Quasniki.

The Faster Times: Marvin, I understand you’re a turquoise farmer? What does that entail?

Marvin E. Quasniki: Well, it’s kind of like turquoise mining in the sense that it’s exactly like turquoise mining. I like to call it “farming” though, because that word conjured up images of real hard-working Americans, of which I am one. Maintaining my turquoise farm allows me to stay in touch with what it means to make an honest living. It inspires me to remember my humble roots. And it lets me offer you great discounts on inlaid Kokopelli belt buckles at the Turquoise Hut on Route 6.

TFT: What’s the biggest challenge facing America today?

MEQ: I’d have to say the biggest challenge facing America is that everything’s a big mess and we have to fix it.

TFT: What was it like growing up in Tonopah?

MEQ: It was a peaceful childhood in the desert. I remember riding my four-wheel off-road tricycle down to Sump Canyon to go dust-watching. Oh, we’d lay out under the stars and spend hours listening to the crickets wheeze. Now that I’m on the road campaigning, I miss those days, but I do find time to get back to Tonopah for the annual Rock Brewing Festival, and of course, for the great discounts on inlaid Kokopelli belt buckles at the Turquoise Hut on Route 6.

TFT: What’s your position on same-sex marriage?

MEQ: That’s what you want to ask me? America’s in the dumper, we got millions of people out of work, we got foreign countries kicking our butts, we got global warming that’s gonna fry us to a crisp, and you’re worried about same-sex marriage? Who gives a tinker’s dam, that’s my position on same-sex marriage, for cripes sake.

TFT: How will you get America back on track?

MEQ: I promise to be open and honest with the American people. We’re going to give the government’s secrets back to the public, and I’m going to start by opening up Area 51. Whatever aliens we got hiding there, I’m sure they know something and we’re going to find out what it is, and then go from there.


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