Golden Globes Preview: A List of Nominees

Golden Globes Preview: A List of NomineesWith my pithy but apathetic commentary!

Guys, the Golden Globes are happening tonight and I guess we should all probably watch them. It’s going to be a little hard though because the television gods in their infinite wisdom are also showing new episodes of The Good Wife and Downton Abbey. But no one said awards shows were easy, kids. They’re six hours long and excruciatingly narcissistic and vomitously preening and require a lot of emotional investment and yet you still always end dissatisfied. Plus Ricky Gervais is hosting them and that’s going to be pretty awkward for pretty much everyone involved.

So I thought I’d recommend some stuff about what I think should win, and then I glanced at the nominees and realized I didn’t really know much about any of them, so I’ve decided I’m going to recommend some stuff to win based entirely on my extremely limited knowledge base. Like some stuff was nominated that I’ve heard of and some people that I like from other things were nominated, and also some people’s names just sound cool and should win. DON’T SAY THAT’S NOT HOW YOU CHOOSE YOUR FAVORITES TOO, OKAY.

Into the breach. GOD this list is long.

Best Film: Drama
Nominees: The Descendants, The Help, Hugo, The Ides of March, Moneyball, War Horse
Good god. If War Horse wins I will set fire to everything. Those ads for it are just awful, like it’s some sort of live-action My Little Pony.

Best Actress, Film: Drama
Nominees: Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs; Viola Davis, The Help; Rooney Mara, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo; Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady; Tilda Swinton, We Need to Talk about Kevin
Okay, this is actually a really good batch of nominees. Realistically speaking Meryl is going to win this category. (Probably we would give her a Golden Globe for reading a technical manual.) And I mean I really like Meryl Streep, but I really really like the idea of Viola Davis holding a golden statue saying “bitches, yeah” so that is what I will hope for.

Best Actor, Film: Drama
Nominees: George Clooney, The Descendants; Leonardo DiCaprio, J. Edgar; Michael Fassbender, Shame; Ryan Gosling, The Ides of March; Brad Pitt, Moneyball
Here is what I know: I saw Moneyball on the plane. Brad Pitt was pretty good in it, but I also watched it entirely on mute. Michael Fassbender is completely naked in Shame at some point. That’s pretty brave. But George Clooney has the audacity to wear a Hawaiian shirt in The Descendants. That is courageous indeed.

Best Picture, Film: Comedy
Nominees: 50/50, The Artist, Bridesmaids, Midnight in Paris, My Week with Marilyn
My Week With Marilyn? Seriously?

Best Actress, Film: Comedy
Nominees: Jodie Foster, Carnage; Charlize Theron, Young Adult; Kristen Wiig, Bridesmaids; Michelle Williams, My Week with Marilyn; Kate Winslet, Carnage
What the hell is Carnage? Have I been living under a rock? Charlize Theron probably will win for being an enormously offensive person in Young Adult; what that says about us as a country is still up for debate.

Best Actor, Film: Comedy
Nominees: Jean DuJardin, The Artist; Brendan Gleeson, The Guard; Joseph Gordon-Levitt, 50/50; Ryan Gosling, Crazy, Stupid, Love.; Owen Wilson, Midnight in Paris
Perhaps you didn’t know this, but the rules for this category are that I have to want to sleep with the winner, which makes only Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Ryan Gosling eligible.

Best Animated Film
Nominees: The Adventures of Tintin, Arthur Christmas, Cars 2, Puss in Boots, Rango
Uhh all of these sound intolerable except for Tintin

Best Foreign Language Film
Nominees: The Flowers of War, In the Land of Blood and Honey, The Kid with a Bike, A Separation, The Skin I Live In
I guess I’d buy a candle named “The Flowers of War.” I would definitely not buy a candle called “The Skin I Live In.”

Best Supporting Actress, Film
Nominees: Berenice Bejo, The Artist; Jessica Chastain, The Help; Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs; Octavia Spencer, The Help; Shailene Woodley, The Descendants
Janet McTeer’s name is pretty boring compared to Berenice, Ms. Chastain, Octavia, and Shailene. That’s gotta be hard for her.

Best Supporting Actor, Film
Nominees: Kenneth Branagh, My Week with Marilyn; Albert Brooks, Drive; Jonah Hill, Moneyball; Viggo Mortensen, A Dangerous Method; Christopher Plummer, Beginners
Captain von Trapp vs. Aragorn son of Arathorn BATTLE FOR MY HEART GO

Best Director, Film
Nominees: Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris; George Clooney, The Ides of March; Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist; Alexander Payne, The Descendants; Martin Scorcese, Hugo
You know, Hazanavicius should probably win, but The Artist is polarizing, so he probably won’t.

Best Screenplay, Film
Nominees: Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris; George Clooney, Heslov, Beau Willimon, The Ides of March; Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist; Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon, Jim Rash, The Descendants; Stan Chervin, Steven Zaillian, Aaron Sorkin, Moneyball
Names I know in that list: 4
Movies I have seen on that list: 0
Amount I care: -1

Best Original Score, Film
Nominees: Ludovic Bource, The Artist; Abel Korzeniowski, W.E., Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo; Howard Shore, Hugo; John Williams, War Horse
This is kind of a cool category with many different competing musical influences. It’s comparing apples and oranges, so it kind of doesn’t matter who wins, but Trent Reznor is all legit now? So I guess he will? Except you know DOES NO ONE REMEMBER NINE INCH NAILS EXCEPT ME

Best Original Song, Film
Nominees: are you kidding me I REFUSE TO CARE ABOUT THIS CATEGORY.

[GOD HAVE YOU NOTICED THE GOLDEN GLOBES HAVE LIKE A SHIT TON OF CATEGORIES. ALSO THAT GOLDEN GLOBES IS EASILY MISSPELLED “GOLDEN GLOVES”? LIKE EVERY TIME I HAVE TO BACKSPACE AND RETYPE IT. IT’S GETTING ANNOYING. OKAY THEN.]

Best TV Series: Drama
Nominees: American Horror Story, Boardwalk Empire, Boss, Game of Thrones, Homeland
UHHH I mean these were all pretty good except for American Horror Story. Game of Thrones should win because it was definitely the most dialogue-changing show of this year, but it’s not like anyone gives a shit about that except for tired bloggers

Best Actress, TV: Drama
Nominees: Claire Danes, Homeland; Mireille Enos, The Killing; Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife; Madeleine Stowe, Revenge; Callie Thorne, Necessary Roughness
Man this is getting exhausting having opinions about all these categories. Like I like Julianna, of course, but it’s more that I like The Good Wife for being an awesome show, and I heard good things about Claire Danes in that show. I don’t really care. There I said it I don’t really care

Best Actor, TV: Drama
Nominees: Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire; Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad, Kelsey Grammer, Boss; Jeremy Irons, The Borgias; Damian Lewis, Homeland
The Borgias
? Uh

Best TV Series: Comedy
Nominees: Enlightened, Episodes, Glee, Modern Family, The New Girl
Are any of these shows supposed to be funny?

Best Actress, TV: Comedy
Nominees: Laura Dern, Enlightened; Zooey Deschanel, The New Girl; Tina Fey, 30 Rock; Laura Linney, The Big C; Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation
Is Zooey Deschanel supposed to be funny?

Best Actor, TV: Comedy
Nominees: Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock; David Duchovny, Californication; Johnny Galecki, The Big Bang Theory; Thomas Jane, Hung; Matt LeBlanc, Episodes
Is The Big Bang Theory supposed to be funny?

Best Miniseries
Nominees: Cinema Verite, Downton Abbey, The Hour, Mildred Pierce, Too Big to Fail
Downton Abbey or GTFOOOOOO

Best Actress, Miniseries
Nominees: Romola Garai, The Hour; Diane Lane, Cinema Verite; Elizabeth McGovern, Downton Abbey, Emily Watson, Appropriate Adult; Kate Winslet, Mildred Pierce
Who what now? I like all these actresses ahhh choices hard

Best Actor, Miniseries
Nominees: Hugh Bonneville, Downton Abbey; Idris Elba, Luther; William Hurt, Too Big to Fail; Bill Nighy, Page Eight; Dominic West, The Hour
Stringer Bell vs. McNulty once again. Omar a-comin’

Best Supporting Actress, TV
Nominees: Jessica Lange, American Horror Story; Kelly MacDonald, Boardwalk Empire; Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey; Sofia Vergara, Modern Family; Evan Rachel Wood, Mildred Pierce
MAGGIE SMITH.

Best Supporting Actor, TV
Nominees: Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones; Paul Giamatti, Too Big to Fail; Guy Pearce, Mildred Pierce; Tim Robbins, Cinema Verite; Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family
Hahahaha guys can you imagine a world in which we’re all deliriously tired from enduring Ricky Gervais for ten hours and then he announces that the guy from Modern Family wins over Peter Dinklage and Paul Giamatti AND Guy Pearce?

Insightful critical wrap-up
Is this show honestly still going on? What is this? I can’t have an opinion about this category because I’m too tired to think. Ricky Gervais just go home.

OKAY, come here, I’ll give you a hug first. Now go home.

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Sonia Saraiya is a writer based in Brooklyn, NY. Follow her on Twitter at @soniasaraiya. ...read more

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