The Top 10 Worst Characters On TV In 2011
You’ve seen the good. Now, how about the worst? Not just bad guys and gals, but terrible, awful, no good characters that made us want to throw the remote through the TV and cancel our NetFlix accounts out of spite. Here they are, ridiculed for your enjoyment, The 10 WORST Characters Of 2011.
1) Baby Eric Northman, True Blood — Grraaaaahhhhhh! Graaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!! No, no, no, no, no, no! Everything no, always, no! The biggest fall from grace in recent memory. And it was made even worse that they decided to restore his amnesia for the last two seconds of the season and. . . and, just, no. Look at the sentence you just made me write, Eric! No amount of decapitations or mockingly sucking blood out of a heart through a ventricle can redeem the fact that he was a complacent vampire-pup for the first twelve episodes of the season. Nice mesh shorts.
2) Prince Joffrey, Game of Thrones — Nothing is crueler than a child, except maybe the King of Children. No, Prince King Joffrey is not a “bad character,” in fact, he’s effectively the most hated villain on television, but for the sake of the list, he gets plonked on the “worst” list. He’s essentially what would happen if you gave your fifteen-year old brother the power over all life and death in a medieval kingdom, at which point, he cuts off your dad’s head and threatens your sister with bad sex. Joffrey coming into power is the sort of thing you dread happening, a wormy, over-entitled, emotionally-unstable, sycophant, and it shows Game of Thrones‘ courage to go with these consequences so deftly. I cannot wait to see this insufferable he-bitch get his comeuppance, but until then, we have YouTube clips.
3) The NBC Network heads failing to promote Community correctly, Network TV — So, look, if the show is a critical darling and beloved by its zealous fans, and the other Thursday comedies around it do well, maybe your problem isn’t with the show, NBC, it’s probably with your marketing department. I’m going to use sitcommy, sarcastic, small words and mean-spirited back-talk to express how I feel about this, since that’s apparently what the American public identifies most with:
Oh sure, great idea, NBC, you bunch of dummies. You’ll probably eat salad with butter on it, because you are fat, and you have uncontrollable eating urges! Remember that painful memory when you were embarrassed?
God, I can’t even do it. Fine, cancel Community. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore, anyway.
4) Lori Grimes, The Walking Dead — Morning-after pills don’t work like that, Lori.
Alright, we can go deeper on this. Lori, you messed up, you backpedaled, you want the world, but the world is dead. Lady, listen, if anybody, you should trust yourself to protect a newborn baby in the post-zombie walker world. She was fucking Shane after the plague showed up and now she’s whining about bringing a baby into the world? What did she think was going to happen? You’re going to need kids in New Post-Apocalyptica. Lori wants to live in the old world (which may or may not be gone, she’s been tramping around in the Georgia back-woods for a few months) but can’t summon the wherewithal to adapt to her circumstances. Die, Lori, you cowardly, whiny, self-pitying butthole.
5) In general, The Simpsons — Please, just let it die. I love The Simpsons to death, but I can’t be weeping over its casket anymore. The show hasn’t been funny since season 6, meaning there are more than 3 times as many bad episodes as there are good episodes. Also, the show has become a grinning corpse ever since it moved to the 4-act format. No half-hour show does this and this really needs to end.
6) Josh Shannon, Terra Nova — I was tempted to put “Everybody” on Terra Nova, but I’m still holding out hope for this show. I’ve said on a few occasions that a show with dinosaurs, time-travel, and magical math painted on Cretaceous rocks should not suck, but somehow, Terra Nova sucks in the most uncomfortable ways, the greatest offender being Josh, the oldest child in the Shannon family. He’s a whiner, he’s a thief, he’s disobedient, lazy, fashion-dead, and he pines over his ex-girlfriend when he has Skye Bone-Jumper right there in front of him. Characters like Josh are more dangerous than any level of violence on TV because kids watch this show and think, “I should be an angsty twat if my parents punish me for teasing the brachiosaurus.”
At least the kids in Falling Skies know how to wield the steel. Josh, please, taunt a carnivore.
7) Whitney, Whitney -– Ah, Whitney. The biggest setback in feminism since Bella Swan. Whitney, on Whitney, a show about a woman named Whitney, a television program I’ve never seen, makes the list because every preview I’ve seen involves Whitney being cruel to her boyfriend (fiance? husband? anybody that cares to correct me should). What the hell? Seriously, it’s all “Whitney makes a blue balls joke while playing squash,” or “Whitney emasculates her significant other by teasing him about his cooking,” or “I’m skinny and snarky and people enjoy my brand of slightly acerbic comedy because men are doormats and I remind women of the mean, popular girl in high school that they wished they could’ve been friends with. Producer credit, bitches!”
I promise you, this woman is a maladjusted bully, and she’s probably really insecure about her eyebrows.
8) Carl Grimes, The Walking Dead — Kid, dude, look, I know you got shot, and a large animal vet had to operate on you, and the world is overrun by zombies walkers that want to masticate on your brains, but damn, you’re creepy. Maybe it’s the moon-burn skin or his deep voice or his gigantic hat. I dunno. The poor kid is going to remain a child forever at this rate — he doesn’t just have the only crazy parents left in the world, he has the only parents left in the world. Sooner or later, his death will be their fault, because they will never allow him to grow up, lest he become an adult and, you know, learn how to survive in a world the adults fucking created and also know nothing about.
9) The judges, and everybody involved with, The X-Factor — Hey, The X-Factor, how does it feel to be associated with Pepsi?
Now that we have the nastiest insult on the Internet out of the way, The X-Factor is like the biggest open-mic night in the world, except a man, and a woman, and some other humanoid-homonculi get paid to shout things at these emotionally-vulnerable, amateur performing artists. And they televise it with almost zero overhead costs. That’s lucrative, low-risk entertainment right there. Reality TV is never going to die, is it? Look, I got sort of drunk on Thanksgiving a few weeks ago, and was down to the last bottle of prosecco, and completely out of orange juice, and I started watching House Hunters International and I was reminded that these kinds of shows show us people in unenviable and stressful moments in life, like buying a house, and I still find myself hating them! No other type of television elicits that visceral and contemptible of a reaction, and The X-Factor is the biggest offender.
Then I flipped over to Nat Geo and watched Rocket City Rednecks for a spell and slipped into a gravy-dream.
10) Daniel Tosh, Tosh.0 — This fae pixie and his expanding wardrobe of loose tank-tops has successfully marketed YouTube comment-trolling and made a show out of him getting into a slap-fight with civility in front of a green screen. Did you know it’s a more highly-rated show than The Daily Show? Yes, televised laughing at the Internet is more popular than the most important news satire ever.
Daniel Tosh, you think you’re from the Internet? You think you’ve channeled the spirit of morbid Web-dementia? Bitch, please. You’ve never waded out of the YouTube kiddy pool. You’re a Central-Florida basket case that ran away to LA, just like every other self-fellating coward thirsty for fame. Kids, I’m going to reveal a secret: Tosh isn’t actually a racist, homophobic, sexist bigot that pushes “the comedy envelope” — he’s an American with an Internet connection.
He isn’t a terrible person. He isn’t daring. He isn’t a voice. He isn’t reprehensible or compelling or admirable or intelligent. He’s an American with an Internet connection and a passive-aggressive longing for people to stare into his immortal soul. For money.
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