Sitcom Characters Who Would Make Perfect Serial Killers

I spend a lot of time sitting alone in the dark, illuminated only by the glow of the television and the faint glimmer the butcher’s knife I’m sharpening gives off, thinking about what sitcom characters could potentially star in a spinoff series as a serial killer.

So, when one of my editors, Lindsey Kempton, suggested somebody write about what sitcom characters would make the best serial killers as a facet of our Halloween-themed content, I was like, “Yeah, sure. I guess I can do that.” I wrote my first draft on my wall in pig’s blood, in case you’re wondering.

Phil Dunphy, Modern Family : Phil seems like a great father. He’s got a beautiful wife and a normal job. Many would list these as reasons that Phil does not have serial killer tendencies, but do you know who else had a wife and job? John Wayne Gacy and the BTK Killer, who both murdered for years without ever being caught.

Also, have you ever seen Phil Dunphy smile? It’s the kind of smile a sadistic killer would flash moments after he finished sniffing the lock of your hair he just hacked off and just before he places a call to a rookie detective to taunt and psychologically dismantle him/her.

Yeah, that guy will murder you. He will murder you dead.

Kenneth Parcell, 30 Rock: Kenneth works in show business (sort of) and portrays himself as one of the nicest and most kind-hearted people in the world. If there is one thing I’ve learned in the past 23 years — and I’ve learned this mostly from dating — it’s that the people who portray themseleves as the most kind-hearted and nice people often end up being worse than the people you find threatening based on their face value. These people are just better at hiding their evil. So I could see Kenneth being one of those serial killers who approach killing people as a religious undertaking, like Colin Hanks in this season of Dexter. Jack Donaghy would almost certainly be his mentor. I’m envisioning him looking on as Kenneth chops someone up. He would probably make a joke about how errant blood spatter is the newest addition to the art of power clashing.

Buster Bluth, Arrested Development: He has Mommy issues and a hook for a hand!

Newman, Seinfeld: A lot of people I spoke with about this topic said Kramer and Newman were both likely serial killer candidates from Seinfeld, but I don’t think Kramer has it in him. The guy is weird, but mostly in a dumb way, where Newman is a bit spiteful. In one episode, Jerry says, “I’ve looked into his eyes. He’s pure evil.” And Jerry has been right about lots of things, like double-dipping, for instance.

Andre, The League: ‘Dre is a plastic surgeon, which lends credence to serial killer suspicion because a), he’s got to be good with a knife and other cutting instruments, and b), he probably has some obsession with skin or the body that makes him want to cut someone else’s face off and put it on his own. He’s also an intelligent, socially awkward guy who is constantly tormented by the only people he is able to call friends. I don’t watch Criminal Minds, but it seems like this could fit the profile of a demented murderer.

Dwight Shrute, Ryan Howard, and Creed Bratton, The Office: Dwight and Creed are pretty self-explanatory, and it doesn’t seem like too much of a stretch to say Ryan may have developed an unhealthy obsession with Bret Easton Ellis’ character, Patrick Bateman, from American Psycho. I can see him pulling off some copycat murders. In the pilot of his spinoff show, he could reenact the scene below, and now I can’t quit picturing Ryan trying to drop a chainsaw on Kelly Kapowski’s head.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eP9W04ADO_Y

Wilson, Home Improvement: There are secrets behind that fence. Dark, disturbing secrets…

Ron Swanson, April Ludgate, Parks and Recreation: April is pretty much the only person Ron has ever seemed to empathize with, and she’s the only character he continuously shows affection for. Their murderous streak that could paralyze Pawnee with fear would take on a father-daughter type feel, where they cooperatively kill people. Eventually, they will complete multiple murders in a home and stab each other after to make it seem like they were victims who survived. The person they frame for the murders will almost certainly be either Jerry or Jean-Ralphio.

After Pawnee, they will circulate the country murdering innocent people while Ron maintains his cover as a municipal government employee.
Ryan, Wilfred: He’s suicidal and talks to a dog like it’s a person. I may have just described one of my neighbors…
Alex Green (the boyfriend), Whitney: I learned from Dexter that you have to kill three people to be considered a serial killer. In the series finale of the show, I expect him to murder Whitney and her two girl friends.

There are many, many others, I’m sure, but I can’t write any more right now because I can feel the demons coming and I need to go spend three hours curled up in the fetal position on my shower floor while scalding hot water pelts me incessantly. Happy Halloween.

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