No sex. No chemistry. Sounds like middle school.

Which is fitting, because I feel like the only people who should be able to enjoy these films are middle school girls. But…surprise! Adults go to these movies! Am I the only person that finds this shocking?

Regrettably I’ve seen Twilight and Eclipse (girlfriend but it’s really no excuse), so I’m aware that Robert Pattinson is ashamed he’s in these movies. You can tell by the way he stares awkwardly at Kristen Stewart and quivers his lips that he’s feeling shame, not love.

The fundamental problem with the Twilight Saga though is not just the mediocre acting. It’s the idea that vampires are attractive creatures. Has anyone seen Nosferatu? Vampire romance books have unfortunately been around for some time. I see plenty of them when I go to laugh at the romance section at my locals Borders.

But the fact that an unremarkable series of them took off to become the Twilight craze doesn’t make any sense. But then again, does anything really make sense when people care about the guy from Motley Crue that didn’t shtup Pam Anderson? Oy vey.

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The post Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Finally Have Sex Scene, Depressed People Excited appeared first on The Faster Times.

“Hi Dave.”

“Hey Sam.” After several awkward moments pass Dave and I catch eyes somewhat romantically and he gives me an earnest look. “So…what’s the biggest thing to happen since I was frozen?”One might think I’d tell Dave about 9/11, George W. Bush, the war in Iraq, or the first black president. But I look Dave square in the eyes choking back a combination of laughter and tears and say, “the Kardashians.”

“What?”

“Well remember O.J. Simpson’s lawyer Robert Kardashian?”

“Not really.”

“He had a daughter who made a sex tape with Brandy’s younger brother.”

“That sounds somewhat obscure. What was remarkable about the video? Is Kardashian’s daughter remarkably hot?”

“She has a relatively big ass.”

“How big?”

“Just big enough that it’s socially acceptable for white guys to openly appreciate it.”

“Oh, I see. But that doesn’t explain…how is a sex tape made by relatives of public figures the biggest thing to happen since 1998?”

“Well it’s not just the sex tape. Because of the sex tape, the entire family has their own reality show.”

“That’s embarrassing. Why would the family want that attention?”

“I guess they have no shame. The mom’s the sex tape daughter’s agent.”

“Wait…so…that’s pretty unsettling.”

“Yeah I never really thought about that angle.”

“So is the show just an excuse to show ass shots of the sex tape daughter?”

“No, actually the show is really about the entire family and the everyday problems that wealthy people encounter.”

“That sounds painfully boring.”

“Not to America. There’s a whole string of reality shows called Real Housewives that have the same formula. They’re wildly popular.”

“That’s interesting that there are shows about people who sit around and watch television all day.”

“Yeah it’s very meta.”

“Meta.”

“Meta. Oh and you know Green Day?”

“Oh yeah. They made that album…Poop.”

“Yeah something like that. Well they made the most politically relevant album of the last decade.”

“Um.”

“I know. Are you sure you don’t want to go back into your tank?”

“Yeah. But let’s go out to a bar while you fill me in. I need a drink.”

“Sounds good.” I get up from my chair and begin to think of how I can express the gravity of Jon and Kate’s divorce.

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The post Kim Kardashian Bigger Than Kim Jong-Il: How the Karadshians Define This Millenium appeared first on The Faster Times.