‘True Blood’ (Season Five, Episode Nine) Recap: “Everybody Wants to Rule the World”

It’s all drug-laced ginger ale, True Blood factory bombings, double-triple-ultra-double-crossings, and people turning into literal flies on the wall this week in Bon Temps. I can’t even.

Alcide: Let’s start with the simplest of this week’s plotlines. Big Dick Richie himself has been kicked out of the Shreveport back and trucked on back home to Jackson, to his dad’s house. His dad, who we see in flashback as a proud packmaster himself, is now a washed-up cliche of a man, betting his disability check on greyhound races and drinking two beers at once and whatnot. What accounts for this fall from grace? Why, he, too, was once kicked out of his pack.

Pam/ Tara: There’s a riot going on. No, wait, scratch that–that would be too interesting. Instead, there’s a bombing going on, at True Blood factories around the world. Pam and Tara disagree on how to handle the new TB drought–Tara thinks they need to stockpile and conserve for their own use; Pam thinks they should drink it til they run out, then go back to the old ways. But when Pam tries to kick some Wes Borland-looking mothertrucker out of Eric’s throne, he tells her that Northman’s gone, he’s the new sheriff in town–oh yeah, and feeding on humans publicly is no longer banned.

Terry/ Arlene: Don’t worry, Terry won. Basically, it was like boring boring boring, Scott Foley tried to kidnap Arlene so that he could kill Terry, and then that didn’t end up working, then blah blah blah Terry killed him and the ifrit was happy and the ghost was happy and the ifrit ate Scott Foley’s body and now he can never go back to Felicity, even though leaving her was the biggest mistake he ever made in this life (okay, okay, second biggest after that whole “slaughter of unarmed civilians” thing). But the important part is this plot line is finally over. Praise Lilith! Oh, wait, are we not doing that now?

Sookie/ Jason/ Andy/ Sam/ Luna: Ahhhh! Feels good to get the old gang back together, huh? Anyway, after some straight-up textbook macguffining to get Sookie to ex-Sheriff Bud Dearborne’s house (she realizes that Dearborne is the one who found the bodies of her parents), Sookie gets cracked on the noggin with a frying pan and dragged into a pig pen. By who, you may reasonably be asking? Why, by a brand-new character you have never seen before and presumably will never see again! The “fat woman” mentioned in last week’s episode, a mean anti-supernatural-ite named Sweetie. Oh, she’s also Bud Dearborne’s girlfriend, and also the “Dragon” of the KKK-like anti-supernatural vigilante organization that tried to kill Jessica last week. Where did she come from? Why does nobody in a town of like 500 people know who she is? IT DOES NOT MATTER, FOOLISH MORTAL! Wait, what? Where am I? Big Dick Richie? Are you there??

Anyway, the anti-supernatural vigilantes drag Sookie out to the pig pen, where a tied-up Hoyt lies, mumbling in drug-crazed confusion. Yes, folks, he was drugged with an Oxycontin-laced ginger ale. Isn’t that how they always getcha? Sookie tries to summon up some faerie blasts, but then remember how last week she decided it would be a good idea to use them all up so that she would be completely defenseless, oh, sorry, I meant “normal”? Yeah, well, that plan totally worked. She is sans blasts. Sweetie and co. reveal their anti-supernatural group to be a bunch of Westboro Church-style lunatics who aim to rid the earth of supernatural beings. Does anyone remember when this was the plot of like 47,000 issues of X-Men? No? Just me? Moving on, then. Jason and Andy, back at the station, kick the shit out of one of the vigilantes. Sam and Luna bust in and tell them that they have 5 or 6 different scents associated with the vigilantes, as well as the scent of pig shit.

Now, can we take a second and talk about these vigilantes and how they wear Obama masks? People, I can suspend my disbelief enough every week to believe that were-mermaids live happily and freely among us, but I simply cannot buy that people who act out genocidal urges on supernatural beings because they think they’re perverts or monsters or pollute the bloodlines of humanity or whatever, would wear Obama masks. Sorry, True Blood. There are limits to what your audience will buy.

Jason and Andy eventually suss out Dearborne’s role in the crimes…and inadvertently reveal it to Sam and Luna, who have turned into actual, literal flies on the wall, and are listening in on their conversation. The cops bust into Dearborne’s house, which is abandoned. The gang almost gives up hope…until Jason remembers that Mrs. Dearborne’s family had a pig farm a few miles out of town. Hey, what do pigs make? Pig shit! Bingo! They bust in just as the bad guys are throwing a drugged Sookie to the pigs–but luckily for all of us, one of those pigs is actually Sam Merlotte, who kicks the vigilantes asses nudely and easily. Dearborne makes a move to impale Sam on a shovel, while shouting the memorable final words “Human rule!” but is shot to death by Andy. Sweetie, meanwhile, is being pursued by a very angry dog, who is actually Luna. Luna then kicks Sweetie’s ass nudely and easily. Hoyt, still unconscious and not doing well, is sent to the hospital. Sookie comes home, snuggles in for a nice night of watching CNN by herself, but is rudely interrupted by more faerie Claude-os, who tell her that the True Blood factory bombings are the work of actual vampires, and that vampires are taking over the world.

Bill/ Eric: Nice segue there, huh? Now that we have all those other plotlines wrapped up for the season, we can just focus all of our energy on Bill and Eric’s Bogus Journey. So despite having engaged in the traditional Group Eating of the Tied-Up Guy with His Wiener Out, Eric is still not playing for Team Authority. When Deb from Napoleon Dynamite tries to get out of the building, she learns that the Authority building is on lock-down, and only council members will be able to get out. Eric confronts Bill about what he (and all of us out here in TV Land) assumed was Bill’s “pious old time vampire religion” act designed to double-cross the Authority. But Bill says it’s no act–he’s confused, he’s lost, he’s unsure of who to trust, he’s incredibly sweaty…okay, everything but the last one. Eric and Deb from Napoleon Dynamite (from here on out referred to as DFND for greater ease of reading!) realize that they need to “steal Salome’s blood” to get out of the building, since there is some complicated security system in place that looks like a diabetic’s glucose meter but whatever. Eric decides to get Bill involved in this plan, despite their earlier talk, because I guess Eric has survived for two bajillion Viking years by being a complete moron. Bill does the sex to Salome, and starts biting her wildly, first hallucinating her as Sookie, and then as Lilith. I didn’t know vampires bit each other when they have sex, is that a thing? I need to revise all my fan fiction! Eric knocks Nora unconscious and, with DFND’s help, plans to get out of the building that way. But, whoops, surprise, Bill told everyone and the soldiers are here to take Eric and DFND away because “this is what God wants.”

Also, Russell Edgington’s relationship with Steve Newlin continues to blossom. Awww! It’s so good to have a weird stereotype of creepy, decadent gay men back on the show, don’t you think? Anyway, turns out Russell is quite the werewolf enthusiast–he believes in cultivating their loyalty by getting them high on your blood. In fact, he’s got the whole Shreveport pack in his pocket! Except for Martha, Emma’s grandma. So, he does the only logical thing, and kidnaps Emma as a gift for Steve. That’s good–I was worried this show was getting too streamlined! Glad we’ll have another random plot to deal with next week!

You know what I always thought would be a good vampire name? Kohlrabi. Think about it!

image courtesy collider.com

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