‘The Bachelorette’ Recap (Season 8, Episode 11): #TeamArie is Dead

Jef makes his way to the winner circle by speaking almost entirely in cliches.

So we start things off with Emily saying she thought at this point she would know which guy she was going to choose, but that she has fallen in love with two men and just doesn’t know what to do! I bet the eventual winner is going to feel really fucking awesome when he finds out his new boo who he won in a contest was also in love with someone else.

“I think my parents are going to be very surprised when they find out I’ve fallen in love with two men,” Emily says. Her dad’s reaction is probably going to be like “Damnit. My daughter is kind of a whore, and all the world gets to see this.”

Jef is first up to meet the family in Curacao. They came to I guess help her make the decision. Her mom says she’s a little bit leery because, well, Emily just did something very similar to this last year and it didn’t work out. Jef speaks to Emily’s mom, Suzy, in his usual melodramatically romantic cliches that make it feel like he should be a staff writer for One Tree Hill or something.

Emily’s brother, Ernie, straight cracks me up. He takes aside Jef to talk to him, and tells the camera he’s going to be all protective of his sister and stuff, but I just can’t take him seriously at all. (My friend just texted me to say Ernie has stroke face, and I guess that’s not inaccurate. His expression really doesn’t change much. He’s like a human muppet.) At the end of their conversation they do this awkward bro shake/hug-it-out kind of deal.

Next up in the gauntlet is Emily’s dad, who doesn’t really go very hard at Utah’s finest. Instead he just gives him permission to marry his daughter. Jef leaves feeling pretty swell about his family meeting.

Arie rolls in, looking stoned and slightly sweaty as usual. There’s a really really awkward vibe, where Arie just rambles on and on. then he busts out this jewelry box filled with all the roses Emily has given him, and presents them to Emily. Her mom digs this gesture, and she reveals after talking to him that she adores both Arie and Jef.

Not much to report from Ernie’s one-on-one with Arie. He just continues with his furrowed brow facial expression. He also likes Jef and Arie.

Dad gives Arie his blessing to marry Emily, as well. Dude is pretty easy going. He doesn’t seem to think it’s weird that both of the guys trying to marry her daughter have known her for less than three months.

Nobody in Emily’s family will say who the favorite is, and they both call Emily out on how it’s totally fucking crazy and stupid to actually love two people at one time. She doesn’t see the logic in this, and she’s kind of pissed they’re not telling her who to marry. Because that’s what family is for: picking who you’re going to marry. I learned that from Game of Thrones.

Now Emily is wondering if she should be with either one of the guys! It’s going to be awesome whenever this show ends and she doesn’t pick either guy, but then Jef goes all polygamist and convinces her to marry both of them.

Host guy says this is “the biggest TV event of the summer.” Apparently he hasn’t heard of THE FUCKING OLYMPICS. Or Rookie Blue.

Jef and Emily embark on their final date, which Jef prefaces by telling the camera that being with Emily completes him. Jef expresses a desire to meet Ricki, and points out that it’s kind of weird that he’s about to pop the question to a woman whose daughter he has not met. Emily acquiesces and tells Jef he can meet the daughter she’s been hiding away.

They creepily watch Ricki from outside the house for a few moments. Jef starts things out with a high-five. Probably a good move. Then he busts out some goggles and goes swimming with him. I’m waiting for him to say something cliche about how children are the future or whatever. I don’t really know how to describe Jef’s interaction with Ricki other than sort of sweet but also a little bit awkward. But to be in this situation and not feel awkwardness would be, I think, virtually impossible. Unless you were drunk or something.

Ricki asked Emily if Jef could come back the next day. And Emily was probably like, “No, I’m bringing the other finalist who’s in the running to be your new daddy!”

Jef gifts Emily a book about Curacao. Because Emily probably reads all the time.

Emily calls on Chris Harrison to talk things out a little bit. Then Emily tells him she has picked Jef! So it’s over. Now she has to tell Arie about it and she starts weeping and stuff.

#teamarie is dead. I don’t want to watch this anymore.

Emily says her heart is broken. She really pisses me off with the words she says sometimes.

Arie does not see what’s coming. At all.

Emily sits him down, starts crying and then says she’s sorry and that she just has more confidence in Jef. Arie is like “Oh shit, I’m really high but this sucks.” Then he’s like whatever I’m leaving, and then he leaves. In the car he says he feels stupid and naïve.

Jef goes ring shopping. None of the ones he looks at seem like something a guy who runs a charity bottled water nonprofit could afford.

Emily tells Jef she let Arie go and Jef is stoked. He spouts off some more cliches, and then pops the question. She accepts.

My work here is done. See you all next season, maybe. I’m going to go fill out an app for The Bachelor so I can try to find true love/someone to make me a sandwich every once in a while.

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