True Blood Recap (Season Five, Episode Three): “Whatever I Am, You Made Me”

This week on “Days of Our Non-Lives”: sex lives of Biblical villainesses, the return of the faerie blast, and yes, even more flashbacks.

Guys, it’s my birthday! And yet here I am, still recapping your vampire stories. Where’s my Vampire Recapping Daytime Emmy Nobel Peace Prize?

TARA: Tara is seeing trails, man. Is she high on vampire bath salts? No, that’s just how the world looks to vampires, all the time. They can see every single star and feel a single chipmunk’s heartbeat from a mile away (this is why vampires often act like they are in hour seven of a Phish concert). After following her bloodlust to the point of almost attacking a strange woman she finds in the woods, Tara comes to Sam for help. After gulping down a crate of True Blood and demanding that Sam not call Sookie or Lafayette, Tara goes to rest in the walk-in freezer at Merlotte’s. REMEMBER THAT WALK-IN! Why? No reason.

SOOKIE AND LAFAYETTE: Sookie comes to Pam for help finding Tara, since she “made” her and all. But Pam made Pam under duress and thus doesn’t feel a connection to her, or is really that big of a bitch, or whatever–anyway, she doesn’t care that Tara is in trouble, and refuses to “call” her. She and Sookie argue, they tussle, and yes, we see the return of Sookie’s Faerie Blast (TM), which knocks Pam head over pleather trousers. Sookie then tries Sam Merlotte for help, and reads his mind because why not? And thus, she now also knows that Tara is in the walk-in freezer. Sam tells Sookie she made the right decision to vampify Tara because Sam is an idiot.

ALCIDE: Alcide talks to Debbie Pelt’s parents, who are running around, looking for answers regarding Debbie’s disappearance. He tells them she’s back on V and could be dangerous. But when he tells Sookie the same thing, she blows him off. Hmmm, I wonder why….. (just kidding, I don’t wonder why, it’s because she killed Debbie at the end of last season and is lying about it!)

BILL AND ERIC: Salome from the Vampire Counsel is, you know, *that* Salome. A little too cute, right? Like when, in a movie about the Beatles, someone’s like, “Hey John! Come meet my friend, Paul!” Anyway, both Bill and Eric do her, which leads her to conclude that they’re no threat. But just in case they are, the Authority has wrapped both men in harnesses called, I shit you not, iStakes, which will impale them immediatement should they do anything…unpleasant.

NORA: Oh, wait, Nora’s still alive? For five minutes of torture in the Authority’s basement, anyway. She “confesses” to being a Sanguinista in order to spare Bill and Eric’s lives, and gets some veins full of silver for her trouble.

PAM: Continuing Flashback Village, Population: Pam. The early 1900s in San Francisco were a dangerous time to be a prostitute–not only were there Jack the Ripper types lurking in the CGI mist, but you had Bill Compton and Lorena, running around sucking working girls dry. So this era was when Bill was bad and Eric was good? God, do they just switch off every few decades when they get bored? Anyway, Eric busts up Bill and Lorena’s suck-fest, then does it with Pam. Pam demands to be made a vampire, but Eric says being made a maker is too big a responsibility to be entered into so lightly (DUN-DUN-DUNNNN). But Pam slits her wrists to force him to make her anyway. Man, I guess she really is just a jerk!

JASON: Jason runs into his old high school teacher, and then has sex with her, in what is clearly a piece of viral marketing for “That’s My Boy” (now in theaters!). But it leaves him feeling empty inside. He’s more than just a wang attached to an incredibly hot body, people! Anyway, when Jessica turns up at his house to make the beast with two vampire backs, he tries to turn her away; he wants to roll around in his depression, as we all sometimes do. But Jessica will hear none of it–she’s his friend first, and weird vampire fuck buddy second, and she’s going to listen to his problems, for real. And not just so she can see his wang later. That’s friendship, 4 reel.

HOYT: is wearing eyeliner and a mesh hoodie and hanging around Fangtasia, people! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DOOOOO.

THE BIG FINISH: Tara pops out of the walk-in freezer, where 3/4 of the characters on this show happen to conveniently be standing, and spills all the beans. Lafayette pours bleach into some gumbo he is making, looks into a mirror and sees his La Lucha monster-face from last season, and pours the gumbo down the drain. Sookie tells Alcide the truth, and he is about as pleased as you would imagine. Tara breaks into a salon to try to commit suicide by tanning bed. But Pam hears her…and, I assume, is about to learn an important lesson about caring (and also possibly getting stains out of pleather).

So what birthday presents did you get me, guys? A Russell Edgington coffee mug? Awww, you shouldn’t have!

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