‘The Bachelorette’ Recap (Season 8, Episode 7): The Luckiest Men In The World

“I’m starting to wonder now why I even write anything except, ‘Emily says some dumb shit, the guys say some melodramatic things, somebody cries, Emily makes out with everyone, repeat, and then here are the rose winners.’”

This week, “The Bachelorette” gets down in Prague–one week after Emily decided not to send anybody home during the rose ceremony, leaving us with six men. At the end of the episode, there will be only four. We got three one-on-one dates and a group date, but no roses on the one-on-one’s. The surviving men will get to take Emily to their hometowns next week, to meet the parents and whatnot. Shit’s going to get real tonight.

Arie gets the first one-on-one date, saying he is “stoked.” And so am I. #teamarie. he and Emily going sightseeing in Prague together. They drink something called hot wine, which I decide I will try by warming up some of my Shiraz in the microwave during the first commercial break. (It was a mistake.) So here’s the thing: Arie dated one of the producers from this show and has not told Emily about it yet, which she is upset about. Chris Harrison lays this out for us, so we’re not in the dark. Emily didn’t know about this, but the producer ultimately let her know.

Emily and Producer Cassie have a conversation about this, and Emily says she feels, “like, stupid” for not knowing. Whatever, I wouldn’t have told her. And I’m not sure why she’s making such a big deal out of it. She doesn’t tell Arie every time she plays tonsil hockey with the other guys in the competition.

Arie and Emily are talking about how important honesty is, and it’s super awkward for the viewer because Emily keeps talking about how important it is not to have secrets, and Arie agrees with her. He has no idea she knows about him dating Producer Cassie, and instead decides to reveal that he used to have a tattoo of a girl’s name on his arm.

Eventually, they discuss this shit off camera (which I think we should all feel a little upset about), and Emily decides it won’t affect their relationship and was just a misunderstanding. She says she should’ve given him the benefit of the doubt, and then, they make out some more. Arie has made out with Emily on screen more than I have made out with girls in the last like five years, cumulatively. I need to learn to drive cars real fast.

John–and I’m just going to call him ‘Wolf’ from now on– gets the second one-on-one. It’s his first so far.

OH MY GOD ARIE TELLS EMILY HE LOVES HER!!!! She says it makes her “really very happy,” but does not say that she loves him as well. Probably ’cause she’s like, “dude, you haven’t even seen my nipples yet.” She does say afterward that it scared her a little bit, but she is also excited. This is how I felt before I saw Independence Day for the first time in 1996, and I came out of that experience not sleeping right for, well, I still don’t sleep right. I don’t like feeling those things simultaneously, which is probably why I’m an emotional cripple when it becomes to relationships. But this isn’t about me, this is about irrational love between two reality television stars, so I’ll get back to that now…

Wolf knows today’s make-or-break for him, and he believes he is ready to open up to Emily. While they’re out on the date, Chris is sort of geeking out, saying he’s “very on edge” just sitting around and not hanging out with Emily. While this is going on, Emily and Wolf are having dinner in a dungeon while Wolf tells her about his last girlfriend cheating on him a week after their one-year anniversary. Then he tells her he is not a starter, but a closer. Then they make out. (I’m starting to wonder now why I even write anything except, “Emily says some dumb shit, the guys say some melodramatic things, somebody cries, Emily makes out with everyone, repeat, and then here are the rose winners.”)

Sean, Doug and Chris are selected for the group date. Chris is on the verge of a meltdown, and Sean leaves the house to go and try to find Emily. I’m fairly sure he has no idea where in Prague she is, so he just starts wandering around yelling her name, like she’s a lost dog or something. Miraculously, he finds her, which is crazy because nothing about this show is scripted at all.

Emily’s face hurts from smiling so much, so I guess he did a good job.

Chris is awesome at whining like a little bitch. It’s actually impressive how much he will do so; like he doesn’t know that all these people are watching him act like Emily is Play-Doh that he doesn’t want to share with the other kids.

Doug speaks for, like, the first time this episode, and thanks Emily for being a gracious host and blah, blah, blah, all his usual way-too-nice tripe. This scores him some alone time, which he doesn’t take advantage of whatsoever. Doug finally leans in and gives her the most awkward kiss ever while she’s mid-sentence about how he’s taking shit too slow.

She boots his ass off the show. Doug says he thinks his girl radar is totally broken, which may be true. He begins weeping in the car as they drive him away. This show is too much.

Doug’s exit means Sean and Chris get to have an awkward two-on-one date with Emily that I really hope turns into a Devil’s Threesome. (Spoiler alert: It doesn’t.) If you think Sean is not going to get the rose between these two, then you are wrong. I don’t even need to watch the rest of the date to know this is going to happen.

Chris gets to make out with Emily and says she makes him feel like the luckiest man in the world. Ha. I was right, Sean gets the rose.

Jef gets the final one-on-one date. They go into a puppet store that freaks me out a little bit. Jef says he thinks he’d be the luckiest guy in the world if he could have a future with Emily. Second guy this episode to go with that line.

They go into a huge library that is just really aesthetically pleasing, especially if you like books. Which I assume Emily does not. That’s a crass thing to say but…come on. While in this library, they put on a marionette show where they reenact the course of their pseudo relationship.

JEF SAYS HE’S 1 MILLION PERCENT IN LOVE WITH EMILY AND THAT HE DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HE WOULD DO WITHOUT HER IN HIS LIFE. THROUGH HIS MOTHERFUCKING PUPPET!!!!

I’m serious. That happened. I’m not even going to address the absurdity of using a puppet to make a gesture like that (because we’ve all done dumb shit when we’re into a girl), but…he’s known Emily for a few weeks. In that time, she has dated like 20 other guys, and kissed many of them. If she had never been in Jef’s life, he’d probably just still be hanging out in Utah and doing his charity water thing. Which isn’t a bad existence at all.

Emily gets a little freaked out because Jef tells her his parents didn’t like one of his girlfriends once so he broke up with her. But then they get over it and make out on the floor of the library.

Emily and host guy sit down to talk a little bit before the rose ceremony. She says she thinks she has her mind made up, and she doesn’t want to sit through a cocktail party before they endure it. So none of the dudes will get to speak with her before the rose ceremony. This will not go over well with Chris, who really wanted to talk to her. He does lots of crying and is very worried.

THE ROSE CEREMONY

Winners: Sean is already in. Jef and Arie get their roses without incident, but then before the last one, in order to decide whether Chris or Wolf will go home, Chris tells Emily that he needs to talk to her. He tells her that he is ready to be the man that both she and Ricki deserve. His last-minute heroics get him the damn rose, and he says he’s the happiest man in the world. So we have two of the luckiest men, and and one of the happiest.

Some discussion questions:

—Do grown-ass people still meet each other’s parents before they have the sex?

—Is Ricki going to think her mother is a whore when she gets older, watches the show, and sees Emily kissing every person? What kind of effect could this have on a child?

image courtesy zap2it.com

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