‘True Blood’ Recap (Season Five, Episode One): “Turn! Turn! Turn!”

“Gay vampire Americans,” werewolf cannibalism, and disappearing corpses: welcome back to Bon Temps!

Previously on True Blood: there were too many characters, everyone was boring, everyone was a faerie or a werepanther or a baby werepanther or possessed by a ghost of some weird baby-stealing thing that I don’t even remember and then (spoiler alert!) Tara got shot in the head. Ready to go? Okay, we’re back!

Picking up literally the exact second last season ended: Debbie Pelt has shot Tara, Sookie’s shot Debbie Pelt, and Tara is bleeding out. So there’s no way I was the only one who was hoping Tara would become a zombie this season, just to spice things up, right? That’s the monster hierarchy–vampire, werewolf, ghost, witch, werepanther, zombie. I mean, any idiot knows that! Or maybe they could get fancy, turn her into a leprechaun, just to mix things up. It would inject some much needed excitement into this show, which has kind of just turned into the TV equivalent of two longtime sexual partners having bored, mechanical sex, while each wonders distractedly if there’s enough turkey left in the fridge for lunch while making enthused sex faces.

But, no. Pam is just wandering by, because that’s how they do in Bon Temps, and Sookie and co. beg her to turn Tara into a vamp. I also cannot be the only person hoping that this was all an excuse to get Tara–a total dead weight for the plot and blackhole for fun and TV watching enjoyment–off the show, right? But: nope! Pam agrees to turn Tara, which means we are going to have to be dealing with her whining and bad decisions for a very long time, probably until some time around the heat death of the universe. She does the usual blood sucky ritual, then buries her in the backyard, to be resurrected later.

Alcide rolls up and lets Sookie know that Russell Edginton is on the loose. O RLY?

Sookie drives Lafayette to his house, where the dead body of Jesus lies. No, not that Jesus, dummy! Lafayette’s sexy boyfriend who got possessed by a witch last season! Except, his body is nowhere to be found. Maybe he has more in common with that other Jesus guy than we thought?

When it’s time to dig up Vamp-ara, at first, it appears to have been a dud, and Tara seems dead. I’d be a bad person if I wrote “yay” here, right? Anyway, that only lasts for one second, and then she’s a vampire and eating Sookie because who knows? Just go with it!

Eric and Bil get captured by the Vampire Authority, but it doesn’t matter, because Eric is friends with a Vampire Authority boss, Nora. And by “friends,” I mean she is his sister. And by “sister,” I mean that they do it. I mean, all “sister” means here is that they share a Maker (Godric), but seriously, fuck this show sometimes. Anyway, they’re vamps on the run, as a lot of the Vampire Authority now wants them dead.

Sam is confronted by the Wolf Pack for killing Marcus, but Alcide steps in to defend him, taking credit for the murder. Half of the wolves freak out, and the other half proclaim him their new leader. But there’s one thing all the wolves can agree on, and that is that to show Marcus proper respect, they have to eat his human body. Ewww! What is this, American Horror Story?

Also, the religious fundamentalist guy from a few seasons back, Steve Newlin, is now a gay vampire in love with Jason Stackhouse, and Terry and Arlene are dealing with a firestarter or something.

So, for those of you who were hoping to find some relief from the tangled ball of endless subplots and new characters from last season: nope! I would say “sorry” if I thought Alan Ball was sorry, but I think we all know that he is not. Anyway, we’re on this wild ride together now. I promise not to eat your human corpse after your death unless you ask me to beforehand!

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