‘The Bachelorette’ Recap (Season 8, Episode 4): Jef Continues To Own The Slow Game

“I’m just Doug with a rose.”

Tonight’s episode gets crazy real quick when the men are informed of a few things: They’re going to Bermuda, and there will be a number of dates during which a two-on-one scenario will unfold, or a Devil’s Threesome minus the sex. There will be only one rose, and the winner is, as usual, good to go, but the loser has to go straight home.

Doug gets the first one-on-one date of the evening, and he’s worried about losing, because it will suck to have come all the way to Bermuda only to get sent home if he doesn’t snag a rose. And Alejandro is worried, because he’s the only remaining man who hasn’t been chosen for an exclusive date.

The guys are joking with Doug re: his nervousness about his date (since he’s “nervous” you know he and Emily are a perfect match), and he’s really not taking it well. You know, like a real man! He was about ready to fight Arie (who’s gonna win, easy) when Emily picked him up.

Emily says there’s nobody she would rather spend the day with than Doug, which is the same thing she has said while being interviewed about each one of her one-on-one dates. (So she changes her mind a lot, I guess.) The date is pretty run-of-the-mill to start out — they go shopping. Then they sit on the steps of a church and have a heart-to-heart, during which Doug tells her he “scolded the boys” before their date. He didn’t tell her he was being a big old pussy and can’t take a joke, which is disingenuous but probably a good call on his part.

They write a letter to Doug’s son, and then they walk through some goofy archway and make a wish. Emily’s wish is that she won’t be single forever. If I looked like her I would never be single. Ever. Maybe that One Direction song about that woman who has no idea she’s smoking hot was written about her.

(During the date I see Doug’s huge ass guns and I wonder: If he and the now-departed Tony are such dedicated fathers like they say they are, when are they able to work out for as long as it must take to maintain their bods? Don’t they have jobs?)

None of the guys want to be on the two-on-one date, and understandably so. Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis and Kalon are selected for the group date.

Emily compares Doug to Brad in that he hasn’t really opened up to her yet. This doesn’t bode well for Doug, since Brad did not get a rose. She tries to get him to open up by asking what his ex-girlfriend’s biggest gripe was with him and he says that it was he spent too much time with his son. Holy shit, this guy is completely delusional.

(Sidenote: Emily tells Doug she doesn’t work out. I don’t buy it.)

Somehow Doug gets a rose. I didn’t see this coming at all. When he gets interviewed afterward he just goes, “I’m just Doug with a rose,” and Grins pseudo-manically at the camera. He makes me want to bang my head off the damn wall. And he doesn’t kiss her because of something his grandfather told him about not kissing a girl unless she lets you know she wants you too or some such other stuff that doesn’t make any sense.

The guys go sailing on the group date, and are told they have to race in groups. The winners get to spend more time with Emily while the others get to piss off.

John (Wolf) and Nate (my man) are to go on the two-on-one massacre.

Meanwhile, on the boats, a bunch of sailing things are happening that I do not understand. Team Ryan, Arie, Jef and Kalon win the race.

Charlie starts crying in the back of the van as his team is being taken away. And nobody even makes fun of him. I want to hang out with his team.

During the latter part of the date, Ryan toasts Emily as his “trophy wife,” which was probably not a good move. Arie snags her for some alone time on the beach and starts spreading it on, saying he feels a pull to her. Then he starts snogging her. Dude is an absolute boss. He says afterward he is confident and doesn’t feel threatened by anybody in the house anymore. You hear that? HE’S NOT AFRAID ANYMORE! Like Kevin McCallister was not afraid of the furnace in his basement. (And yes, I will insert a random Home Alone reference into each of these recaps until the season ends and Arie and Emily fly somewhere and forget to take Ricki and don’t remember until mid-flight.)

Jef gets next up to hang out with Emily on the beach, and they use the same blanket as she used with Arie. That just seems weird to me. Jef did not kiss her, which Emily was kind of sad about, but she seemed okay with it as well. Jef clearly does not give two FF’s. (Yeah. That just happened.)

Ryan gets some one-on-one time and they talk about Emily getting fat and chasing kids around or something and not going to the gym or whatever. Surprisingly, he doesn’t say what every guy would say, which is: “That’d be fine with me.” Instead he says God intended her to be a beautiful woman, and so she should be a beautiful woman. Apparently, God intended me to be a dude with HUGE nipples, so I’m just gonna go ahead and be that.

Ryan calls Emily out on the makeout session she had in front of everyone during the last episode, and she apologizes. But then she goes into a private interview and says she feels like there’s a double standard, that if that had happened on The Bachelor nobody would’ve cared. I’ve never seen that show, but I also don’t think we need to turn this into a gender war. Just cool it with the PDA, lady.

Jef gets the rose from the group date. I’m never kissing a girl again until the fifth date. I’m dumbfounded.

Chris and Doug kind of go at it over some age-related comment Doug made. (Chris is 25 and Doug is 33.) Wolf and Nate set out on their date and I’m a little bit worried about Nate’s goofy pink shirt that doesn’t match his board shorts (I’m a sartorialist). The date begins with them jumping off of cliffs, which is fine, but then the date is just extremely awkward. They’re eating dinner in a cave, and Emily drops her first “nervous” of the episode.

Nate gets the first crack at some exclusive time, and this is really the first time of the season he’s gotten in this position. Nate is straight weirding me out because as soon as he starts talking with Emily he talks about how cool his family is and then he starts crying. This isn’t something I wouldn’t do, actually, but it’s kind of strange to see someone doing it on television.

Wolf snags her next (obviously), and they talk for a while. Not much significant really happens, I don’t think, but he does end up getting the rose and now Nate is gone.

Nate is gone.

#teamnate is dead. I could cry about it, but instead I will immediately realign myself and start writing #teamarie after every single tweet I tweet and email I sign until the show ends or he is eliminated. Maybe if he wins I will continue to use it, putting it with my automatic email signature and stuff.

Alejandro gets some alone time, and not much happens, then Ryan gets some of his own. He asks Emily why she thinks she is worthy of dating him. Then he talks a little bit about God blessing him by making him an athlete and charming or some shit. I hate him more and am really excited when #teamarie makes a move in on this moment and steals her away.

Emily tells Arie that when she’s doing things like sitting on the porch by herself (i.e. snapping one off in her bedroom), he is the one she thinks about.

Ryan starts talking about using his position on the show to propel his career into something else, like a stint on The Bachelor, to Michael about it. It’s the first time I’ve thought part of this show has been scripted, because I don’t understand why any person would talk to another contestant about that shit, even though I’m sure a few of them are thinking about it.

Sean gets the next stint of alone time and makes out with Emily. How funny would it be if there was, like, a mono outbreak during a season of this show? How great would that television be?

Chris is not happy about Doug’s statements re: his potential immaturity. They butt heads a little bit, and it’s all a little bit confusing and awkward. I don’t really even know how to talk about it, because they just jaw back and forth about a lot of nothing. They buried the thesis.

Then there was an interview with the host and Emily, but nobody cares about that so let’s just go ahead to…

THE ROSE CEREMONY

Winners: Sean, #teamarie, Travis, Chris, Ryan, Kalon and Alejandro.

Charlie and Michael are gone.

Next week they’re going to London.

Comments