‘The Bachelorette’ Recap (Season 8, Episode 2): Arie Has Game

Emily is smooching everybody. Snuffy, Al, Leo, Little Moe with the gimpy leg, Cheeks, Bony Bob, Cliff. I could go on forever, baby.Tonight’s episode begins with Emily’s mother bringing her breakfast in bed. She’s 26, and her mom still brings her breakfast in bed. My mom has never done that for me. Just thought that should be noted.

Sixteen men remain, and Chris is going to get the first one-on-one date of the night. Chris has been on the leader board since the show started, and Emily admits this immediately. The date starts and they’re holding hands. Not in the praying fingers kind of way, but in the way your grandparents might after they’ve been married for 50 years. Regardless, this is still significant. Hand-holding is more significant than one might think, because it sort of indicates in public that you’re a couple. (My college friends and I have a thing where if one of us is holding hands with a girl who is not our girlfriend, we’re allowed to slap them in the face. Without any warning whatsoever.)

“I’m nervous, because you’re so cute,” Emily says. First nervous of the night. Let the count begin.

The date is at the place in Charlotte that supposedly has the best view, and they’re going to rock climb up the building to get there. Chris says rock climbing is a lot like love, in that you start at the bottom or some shit that doesn’t make any sense.

Halfway up the building it starts lightning like crazy. I feel like this is dangerous and a stupid idea for a date. Chris wanted to kiss Emily after this achievement, but settles for a high five instead. Like a real man.

Emily tells Chris she would be too NERVOUS to talk to him if she saw him in a bar.

Charlie, Alejandro, Stevie, Ryan, Alessandro, Sean, John, Michael, Doug, Jef, Tony and Travis get selected to go on a group date as Chris continues his one-on-one.

Emily is a bit uncomfortable with the fact Chris is only 25, because maybe he’s not mature enough to be a husband/stepdad or something. She’s never dated someone younger than her. She doesn’t know what she’s missing. Robbing the cradle is my steez.

Chris comes out of it with a rose, and now they’ve switched to the praying hands style of holding. They begin dancing while some country singer I don’t know plays a concert for just the two of them in downtown Charlotte. Chris goes in for the kiss and pulls it off, saying it is quite possibly the greatest thing he has ever experienced in his life. This raises a philosophical question: Is kissing a really beautiful woman a better thing than having sex with another woman who is slightly less attractive? I wonder if anybody else in the world watching The Bachelorette tonight thought about that at the same time I did.

Sean is on his first date now. He just hung out at the house last week, so I suppose he must be someone Emily finds attractive. Otherwise he would already have been eliminated. He realizes this group date is important, but also says he’s not much of an assertive dude. Maybe if he just broods silently in the corner — Ryan Atwood style — it’ll work out well for him.

Emily’s friends are going to grill the guys. That is the group date. How would you react if you went on a date and, surprise, your romantic interest has brought his/her friend so they could interrogate you.

Her friends really want to bang Sean. They make him take his shirt off and do push-ups. He is ridiculously good looking.

The next date segment: Emily brings in about 20 children and makes the guys play with them. This is the worst date ever, and in today’s society you’re not really allowed to play at the playground with a bunch of kids you don’t know.

Emily’s friends liked Ryan, Doug and Sean.

Sean is first to get some alone time, and spends most of it talking about how great his dad is at being a husband. Chivalry could be hereditary. Doug is next, and he talks a lot about his family dynamic as well. Emily seems impressed by both of them, since family is such a thing for her.

Arie gets the next individual date.

Tony is wondering whether he should even be in Charlotte, because he misses his son so much. Sack up, dude. Your son probably wants you to be there so he can have a really hot stepmother. When he’s talking with Emily about this, he starts crying. Then he talks to Doug, and gets teary again. Calls his son, cries a whole bunch. Talks to Emily again, cries some more. Maybe instead of crying all the time, he should focus on winning over Emily so he doesn’t go home after nine weeks with nothing to show for his trouble.

Ultimately, Tony leaves, Emily goes back inside and gives Sean the rose. The guy is really doing well this episode.

Arie and Emily go to Tennessee for their date. To Dollywood. Emily says this is the happiest place on earth, which I think sets a precedent that her opinions on things should often be rendered invalid.

Dolly Parton plays a song for the couple she wrote for the occasion.

At dinner, Arie talks to Emily about a woman he dated who has two children. And he tells her he’s ready to be a husband and to have children. Beyond that, it’s relatively uneventful until she gets around to the rose thing. Emily messes around with him, indicating she’s not going to give him a rose, but IT’S JUST A GOOF! I think Arie almost shit his pants, though. She’s a decent actor, too. I was definitely fooled by it. They make out on a carousel, and I think Arie has just pulled into the lead.

The night of the rose ceremony, Emily asks Kalon to come speak with her. She wants to spend some more time with him. He’s not happy he didn’t get a date that week, and they also have a conversation about how Kalon wants his first child to be a product of his loins. He also condescendingly cuts Emily off and tells her to let him finish. She doesn’t take kindly to this, but it’s not really nice at all to interrupt.

Travis lets Emily smash the ostrich egg he brought, and the rest of the men humbly pour out some liquor in its memory.

Alessandro gets some alone time and pretty much screws himself over entirely by saying it would be a compromise to mary Emily, since she has a daughter already. He goes home, Arie comforts her and then gets to make out with her a bunch. He’s killing it tonight.

Sean gets some alone time and tells Emily he’s ready to be a father to Ricki. Then they make out. Emily is smooching everybody. Snuffy, Al, Leo, Little Moe with the gimpy leg, Cheeks, Bony Bob, Cliff. I could go on forever, baby. (If one person sees what I did there, it will have been worth it.)

THE ROSE CEREMONY

Winners: Jef, Charlie, Doug, Michael (despite doing nothing all week), Travis (I don’t know either), Alejandro, Ryan, John, Kalon (damnit) and Nate.

I legitimately yelled “Yessssss!” when Nate got the final rose. I don’t know what’s happening to me.

Here’s a deleted scene of Travis and Emily putting the ostrich eggs to bed:

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