Damning Predictions For The New Mad Men Season

File:Mad Men Season 5, Promotional Poster.jpgIt’s been eighteen months since Mad Men left us. Just a perfunctory peck on the cheek and then. . . gone. But wait! Mad Men is taking us back! Let’s take a moment to daydream and predict just how exactly the show, and the characters, will rescue us from mediocre network dramas and the failing glamour of twenty-first century America.

Okay, we’ll just get right to it. What’s going to happen to these guys?

Don will be happy for a while with his new fiance Megan. He’ll enjoy the carefree bliss of having a confidant for the first time in a long time. As warm and understanding as Megan is with both Don and his kids though, she will simultaneously begin to bore him and inflict undesirable judgments from those around him, namely from the likes of Peggy and Joan, women stepping into the back half of America’s twentieth century that are disgusted by the once-respectable Don marrying his secretary.

Damning prediction: Don will begrudgingly divorce Megan at the end of the season after being ridiculed for being a relic of a bygone era.

Peggy will be head-hunted by competing agencies as her fame grows. In addition to becoming a creative force to rival Don, she proved she can generate leads when she signed the pantyhose account in the last season finale. She’ll have to decide between loyalty and career ambition, which will be difficult if her relationship with Don becomes tenuous.

Damning prediction: Halfway through the season, Peggy will leave SCDP for big money, a move that Don will respect her for.

Pete is going to have a very even go this season. He’s in a good place, he is on even terms with Don and Peggy, and right now, he’s pretty much on cruise control at work and with family. Despite a rocky patch last season, his status at work has improved, putting him in a less depressing mood, and thus putting him at ease at home. It’s kinda gross parallel, yeah, but Pete is kinda gross. Everything’s coming up Pete Campbell!

Damning prediction: Pete will live comfortably and nothing will go wrong for him. He might even do some good.

Roger will find validation and truly fulfilling happiness somehow. Then he’ll die. No, wait, hear me out! His character arc is kind of over. He faced his own mortality, realized his life was all inherited, and he’s out of things to do. It’s sad because he’s such a charismatic, witty character, but I get the feeling that somebody in the main cast will die this season, and wouldn’t we all miss Roger the most?

Damning prediction: Roger dies. Gloriously, somehow, I’m not quite sure — I’m open to suggestions. No car crashes.

Joan has her baby but Greg will come back from Vietnam mentally unhinged. Some people predicted he’ll die. That’s too easy. This is Mad Men, a show that made a drunk on a lawnmower at an office party into a major plot point. No, Greg won’t die, he’ll instead go from bad to worse and poor Joan’s dreams will be lost for it — for a while. Joan does not lose though. Joan conquers. She’ll rise up and kick ass to become an even bigger force at SCDP. And she’ll be a great mom too.

Damning prediction: Joan’s old-world dream of marrying a doctor will vaporize and she’ll reluctantly put Greg back together emotionally before unceremoniosuly kicking the waste of space to the curb.

Betty. Hmm. Judging by the nostalgic glances she was flashing at Don in her final scene in her old vacated kitchen last season, Betty will desperately pursue Don and beg him to take her back before coming to her senses and actually growing up for once. Betty is a character set for a return to sanity, and although she’ll begin on a sour note trying to get back with Don, she’ll come to her senses, perhaps even morphing into an actual human being.

Damning prediction: Betty will plant some damaging seeds of doubt in Don mid-season about his marriage to Megan, but then she’ll realize the error of her ways and begin to reassemble herself.

What’s fantastic about Mad Men is that it’s so impossible to predict. Who could have anticipated Megan’s character arc or the very famous incident with the lawnmower? It’s a madhouse!

Come back tomorrow for my full recap of Mad Men‘s 2-hour season 5 premiere and and follow me on Twitter as I break open this bottle of Glenlivet and say “what?” over and over.

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Alex Crumb is a writer that grew up on a dirt road in between two sheep farms, which is both a good thing and a bad thing. Alex learned how to swear by watching ”Blazing Saddles” on a regular basis be ...read more

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