Gossip Girl Revealed 100th Episode Wedding Liveblog: “G.G” Recap As Georgina Returns
8:02: Blake Lively really looks like a tranny in this 1920’s fantasy scene. Don’t tell her I said that. I’d like to reserve the fantasy that she’ll mistake me for Elijah Woods while drunk and make out with me one day.
8:03: Gossip Girl declares Blair’s wedding day as hers.
8:04: The New Gossip Girl is coming. “And you just better hope I won’t be writing about you.” DUH DUH DUH.
8:05: Evil priest is taking over ceremony to set up Chuck’s “She said just last week to the priest that she loves me!” speak now or forever hold your peace moment. But of course this isn’t what will actually happen.
8:06: Louise: “Can you believe it? She’s marrying me. I’m the luckiest guy in the world!” You’re an idiot.
8:08: Louise’s mom sees Blair as an advantageous business connection. Her and Louise are weirdly flirtatious while dancing, I feel like I stumbled upon a creepy porn site.
8:09: Boring flirting between Serena and Dan. Wake me when they get back together and break up again. Oh god, Dan’s making funny voices. He sounds like the gym teacher you don’t want to leave your kid alone with in the locker room.
8:11: Oh shit! Georgina is back to ruin Blair’s wedding! She’s the wild card that emerges in every late season climax.
8:12: Chuck poisons the priest to save Blair! He basically tells him to go camp out on the crapper in McDonalds. Instead he stumbles into an elevator with Georgina as he’s about to shit himself. She looks turned on. This is getting really weird.
8:15: Nate’s hitting on a hot blonde waiter in a bowtie. The whole Chuck Bass bowtie connection is a turn on for Nate.
8:16: Serena “How does it feel to have everything you ever wanted?”
8:17: Blair tells Serena that Dan wants to fuck her and she should tell him how she feels. Couldn’t someone have done this five seconds ago?
8:19: Blair is having a panic attack in the wedding dress. C’mon why doesn’t her mom just slip her a Xanax.
8:20: And there’s the Xanax joke. XO XO Gossip Girl writers.
8:21: I have no idea what Georgina is planning. It’s a hard plot line to follow when you’re stoned.
8:22: Chuck “If I was meant to stop their wedding there would have been a sign.” Cue: Mrs. Waldorf coming in to get Chuck to stop the wedding! Oh!!!!! Oh! You have to appreciate Gossip Girl’s willingness to just give fans the formulaic payoff episode that they want. It’s like a blowjob. You can’t go wrong.
8:26: How the hell does anyone think that proposing with a flying banner is romantic? That’s some Jersey Shore proposal shit.
8:27: Rufus sees Georgina but doesn’t tell anyone.
8:29: Lily and Rufus bust Georgina in lingerie. Gossip Girl is yet again at the fork in the road between primetime soap and daytime porn.
8:30: Blair’s mom ushers in Chuck.
8:31: Chuck: “Don’t marry him…You told me you love me let’s go away.”
Blair rambles non-sensically while Chuck purses his lips and looks like he’s just saying “I’m Chuck Bass” to himself over and over again in his head. Blair continues her ridiculous “Chuck will die if I don’t marry Louise” charade.
8:33: Georgina leaves Chuck with the video evidence to show Louis that Blair doesn’t love him. It’s another round of Chuck Bass moral roulette. 1000-1 odds this ends with him taking Jenny Humphrey’s born-again virginity.
8:36: Serena also offers to run away with Blair. Everyone wants to run away with you on your wedding day, Blair! It’s just like you always imagined it.
8:37: Serena, “You’re hurting yourself by marrying him.” Serena equates Chuck-Blair and Dan-Serena. Baby girl, you and Dan are not Blair-Serena. You’re barely better than Vanessa-Nate.
Serena goes to get Chuck! This is getting saucy. 100th episode orgy? Nate’s down.
8:38: Blair asks Cyrus to walk her down the aisle because his squeals of delight calm her.
8:39: Rufus smiling creepily. How did this shot make it past edit?
8:39: Why is the orchestra playing club music? Stop or Rufus is going to start dancing down the aisle!
8:40: Chuck’s in range. Speak or forever hold your peace!
8:40: And Gossip Girl sends out the video of Blair confessing her love to Chuck! Thank god that Blackberry, as sponsor of Gossip Girl, created the “Silent except Gossip Girl blasts” for everyone’s phone.
8:41: Blair runs to Chuck at the commercial break. She slaps him 70% odds, kisses him 10% odds, kicks him in the balls 3% odds, and the 17% some combination of the three.
8:42: My friend Hadley via FB chat: “and thank god every FULLY GROWN ADULT in the room follows Gossip Girl.”
8:47: Chuck calls bullshit on Blair. Leighton Meister is struggling to keep this ridiculous charade up.
8:49: Georgina announces the annual game of Clue. It was Nate with a [Insert Sponsored Product Here] in the Pantry!
8:50: Louise is a chump and decides to still marry Blair. I can’t believe they’re getting married. I have the opposite of an erection.
8:52: Humphrey bitches about Chuck. Nate waxes romantically. Serena confesses her love to Dan and leaves him to mutter to himself and leaves us to wonder what the fuck is with that gelled up single curl bang thing he’s got going on.
8:53: Hadley thinks the catering girl is Gossip Girl. I think she’s right. The voice is really similar. 2nd year at Juliard lines them up well.
8:54: Louise tells Blair that there’s nothing between them for a contract, and the marriage was just for show. He’s been waiting to break out his evil voice for two seasons and this is his moment.
8:58: Blair calls Dan to escape!
8:59: And Georgina is Gossip Girl revealed! But it can’t actually be Georgina. That’s like an episode of Scooby Doo ending with “And it was a crazed murderous sea monster ghost after all!” Till next time. Xo Xo.
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