ONE HOUR SHOW! ONE HOUR SHOW!! HOLY LORD ALMIGHTY IT’S A ONE HOUR SHOW!!!
Yeah, yeah, it’s the finals, too. But honestly I’m just more excited about the hour-long thing. It’s like ABC decided to give me an early Christmas present, Kwanzaa gift, Chanukkah mitzvah, and Thanksgiving appetizer all in one glittery package.
Heh. Glittery package. Not uncommon in a show like this. Remember the Mission: Impossible outfit from movie week? God, the things on this show I wish I could unsee.
Alas, we soldier on as the house band ba-pa-da’s me into submission and Bergeron assembles the final three for the last time this season. So, yeah, can we all admit now that this was kind of a weak crop of celebs this year? Besides Chaz there wasn’t really a single eye-grabber. Granted, I think this is the right final three, but I can’t say I’m roused to attention by any of their personalities. They’ll be doing two dances in any case tonight; a style they haven’t tried yet and, later tonight, a “freestyle” round. And then I can go to sleep.
Ricki and Derek kick us off and they’re doing a cha-cha; this week they’re getting some hands-on help from the judges and these two schmos have landed Carrie Ann. I swear to God at one point the mole on her upper lip switches sides like Richard Lewis. There’s minimal bullshitting here; a bare-bones package (heh) and then they’re straight into the dance.
A fog machine loses its shit in the background as these two start shimmying their asses off the elevated platform and onto the floor. The house band is covering “Yeah 3x” by Chris Brown, which should be ear-splittingly bad. What is not bad, in any way, is the pair’s dance. I won’t go so far as to evoke the Hines Ward clause because Ricki’s posture is still up and down, but let’s call this dance what it is: a good performance from the most consistently solid — if rarely transcendent — contestant of the competition. IT was good for sure, but I wouldn’t give her the win for it. She does, however, look like she’s having a hell of a lot of fun. More than she ever has, really.
As they scuttle over to the judges, the camera pans over and I can see Maks and Mark Ballas in the crowd. Len completely disagrees with me and says it was a dance worthy of the finals, minus some fluidity issues. Bruno secretes that she’s never been hotter, but echoes Len’s gripes about her fluidity. Carrie Ann yelps that Ricki looks fierce, but despite following her advice to the letter, she had some weird brain farts they have to dock her for. It’s fairly unspecific and therefore no help at all, but not much improvement to be done at this point. Trip nines.
Rob and Cheryl are second, and they do a funny bit where Cheryl holds up this ghastly Len mask and a paddle with an 11 on it. TEN. For a guy who’s come so far, Rob is oddly stoic about being one good week away from victory; his pre-rehearsal pep talk would barely move the meter on those giant crowd-measuring thingies they put up on the screen at sporting events. Bruno is mentoring them in the waltz and instructs Rob to “walk like a prince.” Evidently, the hardest thing to do onstage is walk.
They do this very Beauty and the Beast-looking waltz with lots of candles and shit, and God dammit, Rob still can’t find a way to put everything he’s learned into one consistent dance. It’s so hard to explain, like his lines look great and his posture is fantastic (although he screws up the prince-walk thing and hunches his shoulders at some point), but he just does NOT move as well as the others; he has never been able to perfect his footwork and I think that’s what’s going to sink him. He’s a good success story, but skills-wise he’s on par with Ricki and nowhere near J.R..
The Kardashians are in the crowd and Kim is wearing a sparkling tuxedo. Fucking why. Bruno says he loved the dance, but Rob screwed up some of the footwork. Carrie Ann is blown away by his progress but agrees with Bruno’s knocks. Len says the dance was beautiful but got a little heavy at times. Trip nines again. Underwhelming night thus far considering it’s the finals.
J.R. and Karina are back, with their full capacity of working ankles to boot. J.R. says he got an x-ray to get a proper diagnosis on his ankle and we find out there’s no sprain or breaks, he just tweaked it a bit. Len bops by to give them advice and he’s, predictably, the most helpful of the three judges, and he implores J.R. to win for Karina’s sake, since she’s never taken home the bacon as far as this show is concerned.
They hit the floor with a cha-cha (really? they never did that before) and the dance isn’t as perfect as I’d expect it to be. J.R. still moves better than anybody else in the competition but he’s ever so slightly off his tie and there are a couple of moments where the two of them lose sync. Still, he’s pulling at least one ten for that.
Len looks like he’s been lobotomized. Carrie Ann loved the dance but bugs out that J.R.’s musicality took a hit in the process. Len says he liked that J.R. did the bulk of the dance out of hold and without relying on Karina to carry it, but he grumps that it just flat-out wasn’t that good, potentially a victim of his own enthusiasm. Bruno liked the mood and character of the thing, despite the screw-ups. I was thinking two nines and a ten, now I’m thinking two nines and an eight. Holy shit, it’s a seven, an eight and a nine. Eep.
Ricki and Derek are up with the freestyle and he’s decided to bring everything to the table by throwing in a shitload of crazy-ass lifts. Ricki, needless to say, is losing her shit at the idea of being tossed around by her coach, and yet Derek simply does not give a damn. He busts her balls for the duration of their training to get her focused on the task at hand. Two or three nervous breakdowns and one “shut your face!” (good Lord, who is he, Maks?) later, Ricki seems ready to go.
Ricki bursts through a giant picture of herself at the beginning of the competition and they barrel right into the dance. It’s this crazy fucking thing where Derek pretty much tosses her all over the place and here and there they settle into some fast-paced, in-hold stuff, switching styles wildly between a salsa and quick-step (Ricki gets overwhelmed here and there at the insanity of it all) before Derek hoists her up for what looks like the world’s most bedazzled body slam for the finish. Ricki looks a little dazed by the time the routine ends, but mostly she just looks pumped to be there.
Len liked it. Bruno says it was explosive and demanding, Carrie Ann agrees. Trip nines. Huh?
Rob and Cheryl are next, and Cheryl, who’s 2-1 on the freestyle in terms of wins, is looking to push Rob with a fast-paced dance as opposed to the slower stuff that constitutes his comfort zone. Rob has a nice, classy-looking Sinatra garb on for their flapper girl-themed freestyle. It’s not exactly fast, but it’s definitely got some more pep to it than some of Rob’s greatest hits, and one screwup aside (Rob mouths “sorry!” to Cheryl and everyone sees it) the thing is actually really good and Rob, for the first time, moves like she should have been doing all along. They even steal Derek’s body-slam spot for the finish, and Rob, dare I say, hits it harder.
Bruno shrieks that it was brilliant. Carrie Ann says, in so many words, she’s giving a ten. Len says Rob and his family should be proud. Holy shit. He might have just won with that dance. The judges are grinning like idiots as they lay down Rob’s first trip tens of the season. He’s so happy. I’m smiling. I can’t help but do it.
J.R. and Karina are next, and he’s wearing a motherfucking pink hoodie. Goodness. So Ricki’s looking to do this balls-crazy lift where J.R. basically gets hurricanrana’d (YouTube it) by Karina, and not only is it not clicking, but it’s not-clicking so badly that J.R. says, in so many words, he’s not doing the fucking thing if it’s going to kill Karina in the process. And then they keep blowing it in rehearsal and Karina is losing her shit big time. Dude. They could choke the whole thing away right here. For real. Also, Karina could get hurt big-time.
They’re doing this crazy street-hop kind of dance. The big lift comes at the beginning and they hit it, if not flawlessly, then definitely convincingly, and energized from the move, they plow through the rest of the dance at full fucking speed and it really is kind of amazing to watch them work at this level. Timing is perfect; the dance is full-volume and incredibly impressive, and, just…fuck it, Hines Ward Clause.
Carrie Ann sees fit to leap to her feet and do some hip thrusting; she says those were the craziest moves she’s ever seen. Len loved it. Bruno is frothing and screams that it was a great comeback. Trip tens. Damn. What does it say that they had the worst night, collectively, yet finished with a dance nobody could follow?
Tomorrow: I’m saying Rob wins. J.R. second, Ricki third.
More Faster Dancing Recaps:
Season 13:
-Week 1: Dance/Results
-Week 2: Dance/Results
-Week 3: Dance/Results
-Week 4: Dance/Results
-Week 5: Dance/Results
-Week 6: Dance/Results
-Week 7: N/A
-Week 8: Dance/Results
-Week 9: Dance/Results
Season 12:
-Week 1: Dance
-Week 2: Dance/Results
-Week 3: Dance/Results
-Week 4: Dance/Results
-Week 5: Dance/Results
-Week 6: Dance/Results
-Week 7: Dance/Results
-Week 8: Dance/Results
-Week 9: Dance/Results
-Week 10: Dance/Results
