16 & Pregnant (Season 3, Episode 6)- Hungry Like the Wolf

Okay, Okay….naming this review “Hungry Like the Wolf” because the episode features an anorexic, pregnant 16 year old MAY be too much, but I’m grasping at straws here!

As if this show wasn’t making me miserable enough, this week’s episode is NINETY FUCKING MINUTES LONG! Not to mention, my DVR hates this show as much as I do and has been messing up the recording so there is a chance I’ll miss some insightful dialogue or key plot points…yeah. Right.

Okay everyone, meet Kayla: she’s about to start her senior year of high school and she lives with her mom, Deb (who was also a teen mom) and her boyfriend, Michael—douchebag dad? Only time will tell. According to Kayla, she and Mama Deb were besties before she got preggo and Deb got her new boyfriend, also named Michael and (from the quick camera shot of him) quite possibly the same age. Mama Deb is a cougar….meee-ow!

Kayla is at the park playing volleyball with her girlfriends. They are sad that she won’t be on the gymnastics team with them this year. They seem super supportive of her and after they finish standing around in their bikinis they put on their matching tye-dye shirts and go get lunch at a place called “Tav on the Ave” which is not really on an Avenue but in a strip mall. At lunch, one of Kayla’s friends asks how she knew she was pregnant. Kayla launches into the same story we hear every week. But why is this week different from all other weeks? Kayla is Anorexic. Bravo, MTV. Brah-vo.

When Kayla was 13 she was diagnosed with anorexia so the most difficult part about her pregnancy is gaining the weight. I can only imagine where this will lead. Cougar Deb lets Kayla’s boyfriend Mike move in. He has so far not shown any signs of douche-baggery save for impregnating his girlfriend—hey Mike, we all mess up sometimes.

I don’t have any Peanut M&M’s this week so if anyone wants to bring me some that would be just swell.

Now Kayla and Cougar Deb are sitting in the living room talking about the day that Kayla found out she was preggo. Deb said she was “shocked” and remembers Kayla putting her hands up around her mouth in shock. Kayla confesses that she actually “wanted to laugh” to which Deb replied, “I didn’t think it was funny at all.” Awk-waaarrrd. Now Deb proceeds to tell Kayla that “her biggest fear when she first saw the test was that she wouldn’t keep it.” Umm…okay. Kayla tells her mom that even though she did consider it, she could never go through with having an abortion. My dream of seeing an episode of this show with a girl who had an abortion and went to Harvard seems to be waning.

Cougar Deb leaves Kayla home alone a lot so she can go spend the night with her boy toy. Thank God Mike is there to keep Kayla company—Mike and A LOT of scary, soul-sucking cats. The first cat sighting is in the kitchen, sitting on the counter while Kayla bakes brownies. It has evil, menacing, I’m-gonna-slash-your-ankles-when-you-walk-passed-me kind of eyes. Ick. Cats.

Kayla asks Mike if her arm flaps when she stirs the brownie mix. Mike tells her no, makes her laugh and hugs her. Mike seems pretty awesome so far, he even quit college to get a job at American Eagle in the mall to help save money for the baby. Because Mike’s at work and Mama Deb sucks, Kayla is at home alone a lot where she is sad and also not eating. Thankfully, her friends are supportive and they still have lots of sleepovers. Kayla goes over to her friend Kelci’s house to complain about her mom. Kelci’s house provides the second scary, soul-sucking cat sighting of the day. This cat is HUGE! And puffy, and is sitting in the background staring right into the camera. Kayla and Kelci are talking about how much Deb sucks but I am too freaked out by this cat to pay attention. WTF! Why are cats so scary? Kelci asks Kayla why she always covers her belly up with pillows—a clear set up for MTV to reveal more of Kayla’s body image issues. Kayla seems unable to separate being fat and being pregnant. She admits to skipping meals sometimes even though she knows she shouldn’t. Kelci looks sad and that fucking cat is creeping me out.

Kayla and her crew are off to the beach, where Kayla doesn’t want to take her shirt off because she thinks people will think she’s fat. Kelci’s back (thankfully without her cat) and so are Becca and Cynthia. Kelci is the best! She is super-supportive and compassionate and adorable. If I have a daughter I would be stoked if she were like Kelci–except I wouldn’t spell her name like that.

Kayla still has body dysmorphic disorder, but she is glad that she finally gets to find out the sex of the baby. Mike takes Kayla to her ultrasound appointment where they find out she’s having a boy! Yaaaaaaay! They both cry and they rush home to start picking out a name. Colby, Ashton, Warren, Preston, Trenton, Kayden. Kayla is worried if they go with Ashton she will only think of Ashton Kutcher (seconded!) so they go with Preston. Mike’s a nugget, so I get really angry when Kayla starts giving him attitude when she wants to talk about setting up the nursery. They argue, Mike is trying to be patient but he’s still a clueless 18-year old. Kayla is clearly taking out her mommy-issues on Mike. Mike says “he is trying to keep a positive outlook” and Kayla just keeps bitching. Mike suggests they go to the baby store to start pricing things out. Mike’s little Minnesota accent is a-DOOR-able! They start getting a bit overwhelmed so Kayla decides to make plans to meet her mom for dinner and get her advice on what they need to buy in preparation for the baby.

So Kayla and Deb go out, Kayla tells her mom about going shopping for baby stuff and how she and Mike don’t know what they need to buy or how many diapers to get. Deb nods and keeps shoveling food in her mouth. Kayla confesses that she and Mike have no idea what they’re doing. Deb suggests Kayla gets into “a group to support young moms.” (Seriously Deb? Are you the same woman whose biggest fear was that Kayla would get an abortion but you clearly want NOTHING to do with helping her out?) Kayla tells her mom she really wishes they could sit down and talk, and Deb could answer some of these questions. Deb says, “Everything is going to fall into place.” Kayla tells her this needs to be planned. Deb says, “things like this you can’t plan.” Clearly Deb is the WORST mother ever, and might be on drugs.

Deb seems to be making an effort to be a better mom after the conversation at dinner. She helps Mike and Kayla start setting up the crib and getting a nursery ready, and promises Kayla she is taking time off of work to help out after the baby is born. But then she decides to ask Kayla if she is worried about going back to school looking “heavy” after the baby is born—she probably could have picked a better word to describe what her anorexic daughter’s body would look like after giving birth. Kayla is worried about every little pound she puts on during the pregnancy…all twelve of them. No, I’m not kidding. Deb’s words of wisdom are that Kayla has to remember that, “this baby is asking for so much right now.” Right now? What about after it’s born? Who is this woman? Did you even give birth to Kayla or did you find her on the side of the road? Kayla tells Deb that her pregnancy book says she is going to gain 1 to 2 pounds a week during the last 3 months. “2 pounds a week? Do you know how big that’s going to make me?” Kayla seems to forget about the gestating fetus in her womb. Deb then asks her, “Do you ever just stand in the mirror and look at yourself?” Uhhh…well if she didn’t before she sure as hell is going to now! Thanks for the great idea mom! But Kayla does do that. A lot, actually, and it usually involves hours of crying. Before and after she showers she cries. She cries in front of the mirror, in front of Mike, in front of the soul-sucking cats. The rest of their conversation goes as followed.

Deb: Do you just look at your stomach or do you look at everything?

Kayla: I look at my stomach, I look at my stretch marks—

Deb (surprised): You have stretch marks?

Kayla: It is possible to, like, lose weight—

Deb: I don’t think losing weight during a pregnancy would be healthy at all…

Good call Deb. You’re brilliant.

Tonight Mike is visiting his parents because Deb wants to take Kayla on a “Girls Night Out.” Mike tells Kayla he loves her and drives off into the sunset. An hour later, Deb pops her head into Kayla’s room to tell her “their plans changed and she and [her boyfriend] Mike are going to a Twins game.” Deb leaves. Kayla is left home alone (with the soul-sucking cats). She calls Kelci who comes to pick her up for another slumber party. Kayla decides to confront her mom about ditching her, which is a bold move that of course doesn’t play out because Deb is an idiot. Kayla tells Deb that she is still 17 and still her daughter and doesn’t know why her mom always puts her boyfriend first. Deb says to Kayla “you have Mike now so I don’t have to be home for you all the time. I have a life too and at 17 you don’t have to be occupied by your mom.” I want to slap this woman upside the head. She doesn’t even say, “I love you” when they get off the phone. Poor Kayla. At least Mike isn’t a total douche.

Now Deb is totally M.I.A. and Mike is stepping it up and really being there for Kayla (I love Mike, he’s a gem). Kayla goes to her next doctor’s appointment and asks the doctor if her weight gain is “on the high side.” The doctor tells her to expect 25 to 30 lbs of weight gain and Kayla looks like she’s going to have a nervous breakdown. The doctor goes over healthy eating habits but I’m already not convinced that Kayla is eating at all, let alone healthy. Kayla doesn’t eat all day, and then forces down some Nilla wafers (which are delicious, but not as delicious as peanut M&M’s). Kayla’s girlfriends decide to come over and make a belly cast out of paper mâché. They argue over how many pregnant girls get stretch marks. Kelci tells Kayla that she is lucky for getting them (good effort Kelci). Kayla gets crabby (probably because she’s hungry) and wants to sit down. Cynthia tries to get her to eat and drink a bottle of water. Kayla is scared and I’m sure secretly cursing herself for not eating…or getting pregnant. Cynthia keeps pushing her to eat. Kayla says she doesn’t feel hungry. The girls tell her she is. Becca tells her she feels feverish and Kelci admits to the group that all Kayla ate today were three vanilla wafers. The girls are worried and I am impressed with my ability to remember all their names. Kayla tells them to call her doctor. Cynthia takes the phone. The rest of the scene goes like this.

Doctor (on phone): Is her face or her hands swelling.

*girls check…Kayla looks like she’s going to pass out*

Cynthia: No

Doctor: Is she having pain in her eye?

Cynthia: Are you having pain in your eye?

*Kayla doesn’t answer but starts rubbing her head and face*

Cynthia: It’s her head and eyes.

Doctor: Have her go into Labor and Delivery now. Do you understand the instructions I’ve gone over with you?

Cynthia doesn’t answer. Keeps saying “Oh my God” and starts crying. She turns to the group in tears saying “I’m so scared.” Meanwhile, no one is talking into the phone and the doctor keeps saying “Hello? Ma’am? Hello? Are you okay?” Kayla looks annoyed…aka: hungry.

The girls rush her to the hospital where the doctors tell her that she almost went into pre-term labor because she was starving and dehydrated. Mike rushes to the hospital. Deb is an hour away at her boyfriends and doesn’t get there till after the worst is over. The doctor tells her to make sure she eats and drinks, and discharges them. Deb still sucks.

Kayla’s friends are on a mission to make sure she’s eating. They are all such cute little muffins, and Cynthia even asked her mom for advice on what Kayla should be eating during pregnancy—clearly Cynthia’s mom is nothing like Deb. The girls all agree that Kayla needs carbohydrates. Kayla is skeptical. “Don’t carbs make you fat? Isn’t that why people go on no-carb diets?” Kayla’s friends are all really worried, especially my future daughter Kelci, who is sitting there looking very concerned and asking Kayla if she is taking her prenatal vitamins, how often, when she is going to the nutritionist, etc. Cynthia reminds Kayla that prenatal vitamins help your hair grow and Kayla wants long hair so that’s yet another reason to take them. Cynthia is sweet, but definitely not my future daughter.

The first day of school is rough for Kayla. She’s super pregnant, she can’t fit into her desk, and she doesn’t have any classes with her friends. After school Kayla and Becca(?) go to this awesome looking coffee shop called Coffee Hag that has a big gay rainbow flag and some cool-looking art on the walls. Kayla confesses her regrets on how she will miss out on the “fun” of senior year.

Deb takes Kayla to the nutritionist which is fairly boring and I don’t think any of you even care about this anymore. So did anyone see the season finale of Glee last night? They went to NYC and did that awesome thing where the editors make it looks like Washington Square Park, Lincoln Center and Times Square are right next to each other? I hate that shit. The only funny part was when Rachel asked why it always smells “wet” here. That was pretty funny I guess–funnier than this fucking 90 minutes of soul-sucking-reality-show trash.

Anyway, Mike is now making Kayla dinner every day when he gets home from work. He’s a peach, she’s a bitch. She goes to her next appointment and the doctors are angry because Kayla hasn’t gained any weight since her last appointment. She is really starting to piss me off. Kelci comes over to talk it out and tries to reason with Kayla and convinces her to eat. Kayla is now at 40 weeks, Deb is still with her jailbait boyfriend all the time, and finally at 11pm Kayla tells Mike she feels like she’s “leaking” and “cramping up.” Mike asks her if it was her water breaking and contractions. She says she doesn’t know what that feels like and decides to go wake up Deb. I can’t wait to see how this goes.

Oh. My. GOD!

Kayla tells Deb how she’s feeling and Deb tells her to “Probably just lay down and see if you feel better…it could have something to do with you just getting out of the shower.” WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, WOMAN?! I’m going to punch Deb in the face if I ever see her. Mike and Kayla decide to go to the hospital without telling her mom. This is probably the best decision these two have made together as a couple. At the hospital, they confirm that Kayla’s water broke and that she is officially in labor. Thank God because I really don’t want to watch any more of this.

Mike is the best ever and is rubbing her back, her shoulders, her legs, he’s holding her hand and being supportive. Deb shows up 8 hours into labor after Mike texts her (I hate you Deb!) and after 23 hours of labor, Kayla is only 4cm dilated and the doctor convinces her to get a C-Section. They get baby Preston (8lbs, 2oz) out and he looks like a cute little old man. Deb is crying which I don’t even understand because she has taken absolutely no interest in this child. Mike is so happy and cute and I love him.

Kayla has to stay in the hospital for 3 days to recover from the surgery, but Deb has promised to take a week off of work as soon as Kayla can come home. All of Kayla’s girlfriends come visit and coo and ogle baby Preston. The nurses teach Kayla to breast feed, and Mike to change diapers. Deb, not surprisingly, is nowhere to be found. MTV has just informed me that the friend that I’ve been calling “Cynthia” is really named “Lauren.” Maybe Kayla can make some friends that aren’t petite brunettes so that I can tell them apart. Sorry Lauren, my bad.

Mike and Kayla take Preston home, and he’s a handful. Deb is there to greet them, and she even made a nice dinner for everyone. Maybe Deb is going to step it up! But…no chance. During dinner Deb tells Kayla she is going back to work the next day and that she’ll “be fine and figure out a routine that works best for you.” Ugh. Deb. I hate you. Mike is a huge help but he still has to work all day. Kayla is exhausted from pumping which “takes forever” and she doesn’t get that much milk because she’s “probably not eating enough.” I’m exhausted from this episode.

Kayla goes to meet the real Cynthia (who I think I called Becca earlier) for lunch. Kayla tells Cynthia she hates her body more now and that she feels like a “wrinkly, old lady.” Preston is constantly crying for food (probably making up for his mom starving him in the womb.) Mike is only working part time so he can take care of Preston while Kayla tries to finish school. They seem to finally be getting the hang of things and getting into a routine, until Deb decides to ask Mike to pay rent. As much as I understand sharing rent, but I hate Deb so much that I really don’t want to understand where she’s coming from. So now Mike has to work full time, Kayla has to drop out of high school 5 months before getting her degree, and Deb will still not be around to help out. After paying rent, they only have 60 dollars for diapers and formula. I hate this show, and Deb, and MTV.

Kayla is looking super defeated, and her friends and guidance counselor are trying to motivate her to come back to school. Unfortunately now that Mike is working full time, Deb won’t help out, and the money for daycare is being used to pay rent to Deb, it looks like Kayla is S.O.L. Deb hasn’t bought anything for Preston, let alone watch him, help out, or even come home. When Deb finally does come home, she decides to ask Kayla if she wants to go on a diet with her. Deb tells Kayla that because Kayla is such a determined person, that she would keep her motivated. Kayla basically tells her to fuck off which is awesome. After that, Deb doesn’t come home for almost two months, except to collect rent. By December—in Minnesota mind you—the heat in the house gets shut off and when Kayla calls her mom she gets no response. Mike and Kayla decide to get a hotel for the night so baby Preston doesn’t freeze to death. The room cost 100 dollars, meanwhile they can barely afford diapers and food because of Deb charging them rent in her frozen house.

Deb never seems to get back to Kayla about the heating issue with any sense of urgency, so Kayla decides to invite Deb to dinner to talk about her unfair treatment. Kayla does a terrible job confronting her mom, and instead of treating her like a landlady and asking for her to reimburse them for the hotel costs, she tells her mom that her and Mike want to move out—which they can’t afford. Deb loves this idea, and tells her to “go for it.”

Finally Kayla calls Deb out on how, at the beginning of her pregnancy, Deb said it was going to be fine, she was going to be there to help out, and it would be ok. Deb tells Kayla “I’ve tried” and I want to reach into the TV and stab her.

This 90 minutes of torture ends with Kayla, Mike and Preston sitting around a table crowded with pots and pans containing the Thanksgiving Dinner Mike made for them. Deb is nowhere to be found, although I assume she’s in Hades where she belongs. Mike is great, Kayla clearly has issues that I hope she can work through, and Preston is cute.

TEEN MOM APPEAL: I don’t care anymore.

More Faster Recaps:

16 & Pregnant (Season 3, Episode 4)- Personal Jesus T-shirt

16 & Pregnant (Season 3 Episode 2): Hit Me with Your Best Shot

16 & Pregnant Recap (Season 3 Episode 1): Bizarre Love Triangle

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