Gossip Girl Liveblog: Chuck Bass’ Kitchen Only Contains Olives and Hallucinogenic Mushrooms (Season 4, Episode 21)

As usual, the Gossip Girl Liveblog was delayed because I’m working three jobs. Really, I wanted to let all my friends without a TV get to see it online first. So here it is!

9:03: Charlie and Dan are feeding each other candy. I feel nauseous, and I don’t think it’s just the free food I stole at work that appeared to be left out for several hours.

9:04: It’s the Black Tie Constance Alumni dinner! Dan looks forward to this each year like it’s a colonoscopy.

By that I mean that he likes being fisted by older men.

But of course, he invites Charlie. Dan’s going to wear his formal thong. Charlie drops a mention of his New Yorker article. Now I feel both violently nauseous and violently angry.

9:05: Blair is going to plot to get Louis the throne back. She was made for throne-siezing plots. And an awkward period in season 17 where she abuses Xanax.

9:06: Raina has called on the most evil bastard in the world, Jack Bass, to destroy Chuck. Why does every minority on this show always end up being uncontrollably evil?

9:08: Charlie’s on some mysterious medication and stops taking it when she’s happy. Probably because—like many anti-psychotics—it makes her feel like a sedated shell of a human being.

9:10: Louis’ mom had Blair followed to Chuck’s apartment. That’s such a Blair move. They’re like sisters! “Hey sister! Soul sister!” Singing that gives the whole episode serious incestuous undertones.

9:14: Serena’s going to get Charlie access to her trust fund. It’s so not fair that she hasn’t gotten it yet. These characters are so relatable. I didn’t get MY trust fund until a good six or seven days after my 18^th birthday. Nana got a fucking earful. That’s for sure.

9:15: Why are Chuck and Blair meeting in random warehouses in Tribeca? Is this part of some sort of blue-collar sex fantasy?

9:18: Crazy Charlie pours out her meds. Gossip Girl: “I don’t think that’s what the doctor meant when he said use as directed.” There wasn’t even a hint of a pun or joke in there. You’re off your game, Gossip Girl. Maybe it’s that secret Oxy addiction. That’s right, bitch. I KNOW YOUR SECRETS.

Note: Miami’s up on the Boston Celics 79-78 with under 5 minutes left on TNT…This may become a basketball live blog at times when I switch over.

9:22: Louis has come to confront Chuck. Chuck lays down a little Dr. Phil on his ass. “Blair is nothing without her secrets.”

9:27: Charlie’s got crazy eyes and is trying to look exactly like Serena. I went through that phase, too. Ultimately, I just didn’t look nearly as good as a blonde. My feet looked so sexy in heels, though. Rex Ryan complimented them in a mall once.

9:28: Blair won over Louis’ mom! She’s going to be a princess! This is going to go horrible within 3 minutes!

9:29: Jack had Chuck admitted to a mental hospital with absolutely no explanation. Somehow, Thorpe emerges in the wings loft. I want to get my hands on Gossip Girl’s magical transporter device.

9:30: 0:48 seconds left! Miami up by 2! Lebron has made 5 straight points to pull them ahead! Fear Ray Allen! Fear Ray Allen!

9:31: Paul Pierce drives to put the Celtics up by 2!

9:32: James loses the ball! Ray Allen with the steal, and he’s fouled!

9:33: It seems like Louis is going to make Blair realize that she’s still in love with Chuck, but I’ve switch back to the Heat-Celtics game.

9:34: Pierce’s last shot rims out! We’re going to overtime!

9:35: Oh shit! Thorpe set the fire that killed his wife! Can he possibly tell Raina?

9:44: Jack Bass to Chuck: “I’m starving and all you have is olives and hallucinogenic mushrooms.”

9:45: “I’m going to order room service…(30 seconds pass)…I can’t order with the Hallmark channel playing in the background.” I love Jack Bass.

9:47: Cyrus is giving Blair advice; she believes that only Chuck will understand the sex games part of her soul. Seriously. Has she been on Craigslist?

9:49: Nate tells Raina that her dad killer her mother. Is he really big enough to be in charge of information like that? That’s big boy information. Knowing where Chuck stashes his pot—that’s information Nate’s in charge of.

9:50: Rufus finds Charlie’s empty pill bottle. C’mon, kids know how to hide pill bottles better than that!

9:51: Amazing left handed hook layup by Paul Pierce in traffic. Heat 93 Celtics 90.

9:52: Chris Bosh has a completely accidental tip in. Heat up for good, 95-90.

9:53: Raina found out about her dad. “You’re as dead to me as my mother is.” This is by far the heaviest shit that Gossip Girl has ever thrown down.

9:54: Charlie wants Dan to fuck her on Headmaster Queller’s desk. Queller was such a frigid bitch. Why did I masturbate to pictures of her so much during Season 2? Why am I so turned on now?

Charlie: “Can you call me Serena.” Well, this is awkward.

9:58: Blair’s returning to the rooftop where Chuck raped Jenny. And Thorpe is there. Oh god.

9:59: Thorpe is going to kidnap Blair and kill her! Oh fuck. This is going to be a hard 7 days.