1. Kendall and Kylie Take New York

A few short years from now Kendall and Kylie Jenner will graduate high school and embark on the rest of their lives as the youngest members of America’s royal family. I doubt they will go to college (if they do, they’ll probably choose NYU) and since they’re already successful celebrities and models on their own accord, why not set them up in a posh New York hotel suite for a couple of months and film them as they act as if they’re audition for runway shows along with struggling models, work out…and…yeah? Kourtney and Kim don’t really do much on their New York spinoff and somehow it’s interesting, so the younger girls should be able to get away with the same and pull in a few million viewers. They can date cute boys! Go to clubs! Ride around in Escalades that aren’t there dads! They’ll befriend Dakota Fanning and Emma Roberts and maybe even Kanye West! Oh, to be young and a Jenner!

2. The Simple Life: Kendall and Kylie

As soon as the girls get back from their months-long stay in New York, E! should pack them up in a leopard print RV with only two Louis Vuitton suitcases each and take away their credit cards, Blackberries, and cash, and send them across America working odd jobs and realizing how good their lives actually are. The Simple Life transformed Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton into global celebs and launched them into the fashion and perfume businesses respectively, all while creating hilarious and highly rated television (the last season of the original show was also broadcast on E!). Who wouldn’t want to see a Karashian flipping burgers at Sonic and learning to corral cattle in Kentucky?

3. Bruce Knows Best

Brue Jenner, husband to Kardashian matriarch Kris Jenner, father of Kendall and Kylie Jenner, and stepfather to the Kardashian girls and Rob, is easily the most sane family member on Keeping Up With the Kardashians. In between playing golf and getting plastic surgery, he dispenses advice to his two young girls and takes them to homeless shelters to make sure that they don’t let their fame go to their head. Bruce’s advice show would partner him with another celebrity dad once weekly (Mauricio Umansky, please!) and field questions from viewers at home. Bruce deals with the most high maintenance family on the planet, so shelling out stellar parenting advice to middle America while getting a paycheck would be a walk in the park.

4. Kourtney and Scott

Khloe Kardashian and Lamar have their own show—so why not Kourtney and Scott? The couple has a far more interesting dynamic then Khloe and Lamar, and they regularly visit their therapist together (a la Bethenny Ever After) on their different television franchises, dealing with parenting issues and Scott’s hard partying ways. With the coming addition of another Kardashian baby, their high-tension lives will expectedly increase in drama, and who doesn’t want to see more of Mason, the cutest celebrity child on the planet? Maybe throwing Rob into the mix as his nephew’s nannies would be in good taste; he could go on Taco Bell runs and take the kids to the zoo as Kourtney eats salads.

5. Kris Jenner: The Next Family Empire

Kris Jenner is the mastermind behind the Kardashian empire—she’s each of her children’s managers and has transformed a sex tape scandal into an opportunity that made her family a worldwide sensation. In the same way that after Paris Hilton’s fame spurred her mother, Kathy Hilton, to host the short-lived NBC reality show I Want To Be A Hilton, Jenner would be the sole judge over six high drama, fame hungry families as they compete to have their own surely short-lived reality show on E!. Competitions would include making a classy sex tape, turning something embarrassing about your life (such as wetting one’s pants) into a money making scheme, dating a professional athlete, perfecting one’s makeup-applying skills, and being wildly interesting yet mind-numbingly boring at the same time.

Follow Alex Hughes on Twitter! @TheAlexHughes

More from Alex Hughes:

Daniel Radcliffe Loves Your Pubes

Honey Boo-Boo Child Meets Dr. Drew

Drinking Game – ‘Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ Season 2

How would you describe the Spidvid model?

So Spidvid is where the world’s video creators and talent connect, build teams, collaborate and partner up together on projects, and produce video entertainment together. Our slogan is “Make Video Together.” Spidvid’s model empowers open video production on a global level by offering a collaborative set of tools to manage projects from inception right through to distribution.

How did you come up with the idea for Spidvid?

I personally wanted to create my own quality video entertainment but didn’t want to pay costly freelancers and contractors to do so. So I thought creating web based software that enabled me to partner up with the talent I needed on my team made a lot of sense, and doing so in a formal structure outside of the traditional social networks. Additionally I was inspired by Seth Godin as in 2008/2009 he talked a lot (via his blog) about openness, collaboration, new media, and connecting individuals together. I searched for a video collaboration site that leveraged these trending elements and found nothing so that further inspired me to build this product.

What kind of unique possibilities for creative content does Spidvid provide for that we haven’t yet seen from other platforms?

I think it’s all about empowering individuals to be able to create video entertainment that they couldn’t have otherwise. It’s all about centralizing like-minded individuals together in a community where they can openly collaborate together by leveraging each other’s time and talent, and giving them the tools to manage their projects and relationships.

In terms of property rights, why is Spidvid’s revenue distribution model for the filmmakers so important or revolutionary?

Our mission is to enable team members to share content ownership together, the “project pie” as we call it. You see this happen in big Hollywood projects where key actors and team members get project percentages but it hasn’t happened in this relatively young online video space. With more and more video creators collaborating and partnering together, we see a real opportunity to offer a formalized solution to this problem. Verbal agreements have been the norm to date, but this won’t hold up long term as projects get more extensive and abundant, and this space evolves into a real business opportunity.

Will Spidvid prove to be a helpful service for those looking to break into certain facets of filmmaking?

I think it’s a great way to jump into filmmaking. So if you write scripts but need a team to collaborate with to make things happen on screen then Spidvid is a great solution for doing that.

While the Internet provides for a great deal of social interaction, it seems that in terms of content creation — blogs, vlogs, journalism — a lot of it is still being accomplished individually and then released into a community for discussion. Why is it important to stress the collaborative side of creation, not just consumption?

I think that content creation and specifically video is all about collaboration since it takes a few team members with specialized skills to be able to successfully complete projects. I think what we seen early on in online video was creators trying to do everything themselves which produced less than ideal results, but with the ability to bring on team members as partners it allows the creator to start and complete more projects easier, and it gives members a vested interest.

Why do you think studios might be hesitant to transition from traditional media into digital media?

Because they don’t want to disrupt their traditional cash cow. Studios are afraid of change, and wish that things could always stay the same, but unfortunately their production models are under pressure, their audiences are fragmenting, and most importantly their budgets are shrinking thanks to disruption on many levels. We are seeing traditional studios move towards the digital world now as digital pennies are growing to digital dimes and will eventually become digital dollars as the space matures. I believe we are only in the 2nd inning of a 9 inning game.

How do you think new media will transform storytelling?

I think that creators and producers have to listen to their audience within social media circles to see where they should take their stories, and develop their characters. If a high percentage of viewers dislike a character, or are uninterested in a particular story line then the writers and the team needs to take a hard look at the future of their content.

Was Spidvid involved in the IAWTV awards? What do you think of them?

I think that whatever initiatives are done to enhance awareness and growth of our space then it’s great. The IAWTV does a fantastic job of evangelizing online video, and the tight knit community is really growing and learning together which is fantastic to see. We’ve had many IAWTV members on our podcast, and to get their perspectives and hear their stories related to the future of online video is very encouraging and inspiring.

What’s your best advice for anyone looking to get into the startup life?

I would say to just jump in and do it. Get in early, create a crappy product, fail and learn, listen like crazy to your users, and try to find the right product to market fit. And find a solid co-founder or two who can help you in the areas you’re weak in. Take your time building your team because startups are like a marriage in that you need partners you know, like, and trust, and who can be there in the good times and especially the bad times. I would also say to not get too attached to your startup as it will make you emotional and can lead to making bad strategic decisions in every aspect of the company’s lifespan. Oh, and find mentors who keep you optimistic, hungry and foolish, and inspired to change the world.

Toddlers and Tiaras’ “breakout star,” honey boo-boo child Alanna, follows in the footsteps of another inappropriately dressed minor, Courtney Stodden, by appearing on Dr. Drew’s CW show, Lifechangers. Although Alanna wasn’t there to prove that all of her body parts were real like Stodden did, Dr. Drew investigates the “go-go juice” that her mom, as well as many other pageant mothers, gives her child to get her hyped-up, all smiles, and ready to expose her belly for the judges.

In the show, Alanna is all dolled up in her pageant outfit, next to her mother, who should really be the one Dr. Drew  focused his time on, and Drew asks to try her “go-go juice.” Alanna thinks the drink tastes like apple juice, but Drew asks if there is any methamphetamine or ecstasy in it (how child-appropriate, Drew!). “The Coupon Queen,” Alanna’s mother, says that the drink is a mixture of a soda and an energy drink (presumably Mountain Dew and Red Bull) and upon drinking it, Dr. Drew acts as though his mouth is going numb and that he is unable to think properly, which would be believable if he weren’t the worst actor on CW.

The episode airs on February 2^nd, and along with the video preview, Extra.com wrote (but then deleted the article) that the episode includes Dr. Drew expressing his concerns by saying, “To give a child anything that can alter their mood is egregious, and their behavior is unconscionable.” (Dr. Drew also hates hugs, kisses, pats on the back, chocolate milk, and thumbs up.)

Until the full Alanna segment airs on February 2^nd, it is unknown if Dr. Drew will call out thousands of other pageant mothers who give their children a similar drink mixture every week (or the apparent mental abuse of over-bearing mothers screaming at 2-year-olds). Dr. Drew also seems to ignore the fact that every episode of Tiaras before Alanna’s has shown mothers pushing hundreds upon hundreds of Pixie sticks down children’s throats. He also makes no mention of the millions of other American parents who give energy and soft drinks to their young children.

Although I am thoroughly excited that Alanna is well on her way to becoming a star (when are the paparazzi going to start stalking she and her mother in the candy aisle at Piggly Wiggly?), Dr. Drew missed a special opportunity to address the many problems exhibited on Toddlers and Tiaras with one of the show’s most fabulous stars.

Follow Alex Hughes on Twitter! @TheAlexHughes

Gif created by realitytvgifs

More from Alex Hughes

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 2 Finale Drinking Game

My Love Affair With Courtney Stodden

Take a drink every time:

Kyle flips her hair

You fall in love with Mauricio

Brandi’s nipples are visible

Kim makes an excuse

Adrienne uses her eyes to express her feelings

Giggy appears

Dana tries to get everybody’s attention

Taylor says, “I’m fine.”

Lisa thinks that Pandora’s wedding is actually her own.

You forget that Camille is a cast member because she’s hanging in the back of the scene talking to D.D.

Follow Alex Hughes on Twitter for more Real Housewives! @TheAlexHughes

Jersey Shore Season 5 Drinking Game

Jay Pharoah as Will Smith

It would have been better if the sketch hadn’t run at all. If they hadn’t even run that sketch for Jay Pharoah, called “The Jay Pharoah Show,” on SNL this past weekend, it would have been better for all concerned—not least for Pharoah himself. He’s been on the show two seasons now, as a featured player, and yet still no one’s come up with a consistently satisfying role for him. His larger, most basic role is as an impressionist—that much was determined from before the beginning. It’s why he was brought onboard in the first place. But how he’s going to go about being an impressionist, consistently and within the context of purposes grander than the impressions themselves, is still unresolved.

The whole conceit of the “Jay Pharoah Show” thing this past weekend was that Pharoah would try to interview host Daniel Radcliffe about the Harry Potter movies he’d starred in, about which Pharoah knows nothing, and then try to compensate for his obliviousness by reverting to impressions of Will Smith, Chris Rock, and Denzel Washington. Weak as that sounds, it played even weaker. In the show’s 37-year history, only two players before Pharoah (Joe Piscopo and Darrell Hammond) have been hired on the strength of nothing more than their impressions, and Pharoah is as talented an impressionist as anyone. He’s as talented an impressionist as it’s humanly possible to be, but his talents are still going to waste on SNL.

It’s typical to blame the writers when something like this happens. That line never takes you very far, though, because every SNL player, in some sense, is meant to be a writer. When performers aren’t being written for, they’re expected to seize control of their own destiny, and become writers for themselves. Bill Murray and Eddie Murphy almost washed out in their first years because they weren’t being written for properly, but that all started changing when Murray and Murphy each took up the pen and began transcribing his own fate.

Something like that has to happen with Pharoah. Al Franken once claimed, ludicrously, that Garrett Morris had been marginalized as a member of the original cast because the writers, Franken included, failed to write for him properly. This is patronizing even by liberal standards. Now, Pharoah is much more talented than Morris, and appears to have none of the same drug problems that prohibited Morris from exploiting what talents he had, but Franken’s explanation holds up in at least one sense, obvious to the point of banality: without strong material, an actor has nothing.

He’s done several strong sketches already, and he’ll do more. He’ll be around for as long as he wants to be, because the show needs utility players to field impressions, and Pharoah is (by my count anyway) one of only seven master impressionists in the show’s history. He’s not limited to impersonating those of his own race, either. No good impressionist is. Piscopo and Hammond both did Jesse Jackson, and Eddie Murphy did Jerry Lewis and a quintessentially—i.e., stereotypically—Borscht Belt-Jewish Gumby.

A more current and conspicuous example of an SNL player impersonating outside his race is Fred Armisen’s Barack Obama. It’s true that Obama is part white, but as Obama’s own wife felt compelled to remind some during his run for the presidency, “He is a black man,” meaning predominantly. And for those who think Pharoah does an Obama inferior to Armisen’s, just because Armisen’s is the one that makes it to air every week—well, you just need to check out this clip to be disabused of that notion. If Armisen ever gets around to leaving the show, Pharoah would be the natural successor. But by the time that happens, Obama may not even be president, and what a waste that would be.

With my pithy but apathetic commentary!

Guys, the Golden Globes are happening tonight and I guess we should all probably watch them. It’s going to be a little hard though because the television gods in their infinite wisdom are also showing new episodes of The Good Wife and Downton Abbey. But no one said awards shows were easy, kids. They’re six hours long and excruciatingly narcissistic and vomitously preening and require a lot of emotional investment and yet you still always end dissatisfied. Plus Ricky Gervais is hosting them and that’s going to be pretty awkward for pretty much everyone involved.

So I thought I’d recommend some stuff about what I think should win, and then I glanced at the nominees and realized I didn’t really know much about any of them, so I’ve decided I’m going to recommend some stuff to win based entirely on my extremely limited knowledge base. Like some stuff was nominated that I’ve heard of and some people that I like from other things were nominated, and also some people’s names just sound cool and should win. DON’T SAY THAT’S NOT HOW YOU CHOOSE YOUR FAVORITES TOO, OKAY.

Into the breach. GOD this list is long.

Best Film: Drama
Nominees: The Descendants, The Help, Hugo, The Ides of March, Moneyball, War Horse
Good god. If War Horse wins I will set fire to everything. Those ads for it are just awful, like it’s some sort of live-action My Little Pony.

Best Actress, Film: Drama
Nominees: Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs; Viola Davis, The Help; Rooney Mara, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo; Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady; Tilda Swinton, We Need to Talk about Kevin
Okay, this is actually a really good batch of nominees. Realistically speaking Meryl is going to win this category. (Probably we would give her a Golden Globe for reading a technical manual.) And I mean I really like Meryl Streep, but I really really like the idea of Viola Davis holding a golden statue saying “bitches, yeah” so that is what I will hope for.

Best Actor, Film: Drama
Nominees: George Clooney, The Descendants; Leonardo DiCaprio, J. Edgar; Michael Fassbender, Shame; Ryan Gosling, The Ides of March; Brad Pitt, Moneyball
Here is what I know: I saw Moneyball on the plane. Brad Pitt was pretty good in it, but I also watched it entirely on mute. Michael Fassbender is completely naked in Shame at some point. That’s pretty brave. But George Clooney has the audacity to wear a Hawaiian shirt in The Descendants. That is courageous indeed.

Best Picture, Film: Comedy
Nominees: 50/50, The Artist, Bridesmaids, Midnight in Paris, My Week with Marilyn
My Week With Marilyn? Seriously?

Best Actress, Film: Comedy
Nominees: Jodie Foster, Carnage; Charlize Theron, Young Adult; Kristen Wiig, Bridesmaids; Michelle Williams, My Week with Marilyn; Kate Winslet, Carnage
What the hell is Carnage? Have I been living under a rock? Charlize Theron probably will win for being an enormously offensive person in Young Adult; what that says about us as a country is still up for debate.

Best Actor, Film: Comedy
Nominees: Jean DuJardin, The Artist; Brendan Gleeson, The Guard; Joseph Gordon-Levitt, 50/50; Ryan Gosling, Crazy, Stupid, Love.; Owen Wilson, Midnight in Paris
Perhaps you didn’t know this, but the rules for this category are that I have to want to sleep with the winner, which makes only Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Ryan Gosling eligible.

Best Animated Film
Nominees: The Adventures of Tintin, Arthur Christmas, Cars 2, Puss in Boots, Rango
Uhh all of these sound intolerable except for Tintin

Best Foreign Language Film
Nominees: The Flowers of War, In the Land of Blood and Honey, The Kid with a Bike, A Separation, The Skin I Live In
I guess I’d buy a candle named “The Flowers of War.” I would definitely not buy a candle called “The Skin I Live In.”

Best Supporting Actress, Film
Nominees: Berenice Bejo, The Artist; Jessica Chastain, The Help; Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs; Octavia Spencer, The Help; Shailene Woodley, The Descendants
Janet McTeer’s name is pretty boring compared to Berenice, Ms. Chastain, Octavia, and Shailene. That’s gotta be hard for her.

Best Supporting Actor, Film
Nominees: Kenneth Branagh, My Week with Marilyn; Albert Brooks, Drive; Jonah Hill, Moneyball; Viggo Mortensen, A Dangerous Method; Christopher Plummer, Beginners
Captain von Trapp vs. Aragorn son of Arathorn BATTLE FOR MY HEART GO

Best Director, Film
Nominees: Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris; George Clooney, The Ides of March; Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist; Alexander Payne, The Descendants; Martin Scorcese, Hugo
You know, Hazanavicius should probably win, but The Artist is polarizing, so he probably won’t.

Best Screenplay, Film
Nominees: Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris; George Clooney, Heslov, Beau Willimon, The Ides of March; Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist; Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon, Jim Rash, The Descendants; Stan Chervin, Steven Zaillian, Aaron Sorkin, Moneyball
Names I know in that list: 4
Movies I have seen on that list: 0
Amount I care: -1

Best Original Score, Film
Nominees: Ludovic Bource, The Artist; Abel Korzeniowski, W.E., Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo; Howard Shore, Hugo; John Williams, War Horse
This is kind of a cool category with many different competing musical influences. It’s comparing apples and oranges, so it kind of doesn’t matter who wins, but Trent Reznor is all legit now? So I guess he will? Except you know DOES NO ONE REMEMBER NINE INCH NAILS EXCEPT ME

Best Original Song, Film
Nominees: are you kidding me I REFUSE TO CARE ABOUT THIS CATEGORY.

[GOD HAVE YOU NOTICED THE GOLDEN GLOBES HAVE LIKE A SHIT TON OF CATEGORIES. ALSO THAT GOLDEN GLOBES IS EASILY MISSPELLED “GOLDEN GLOVES”? LIKE EVERY TIME I HAVE TO BACKSPACE AND RETYPE IT. IT’S GETTING ANNOYING. OKAY THEN.]

Best TV Series: Drama
Nominees: American Horror Story, Boardwalk Empire, Boss, Game of Thrones, Homeland
UHHH I mean these were all pretty good except for American Horror Story. Game of Thrones should win because it was definitely the most dialogue-changing show of this year, but it’s not like anyone gives a shit about that except for tired bloggers

Best Actress, TV: Drama
Nominees: Claire Danes, Homeland; Mireille Enos, The Killing; Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife; Madeleine Stowe, Revenge; Callie Thorne, Necessary Roughness
Man this is getting exhausting having opinions about all these categories. Like I like Julianna, of course, but it’s more that I like The Good Wife for being an awesome show, and I heard good things about Claire Danes in that show. I don’t really care. There I said it I don’t really care

Best Actor, TV: Drama
Nominees: Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire; Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad, Kelsey Grammer, Boss; Jeremy Irons, The Borgias; Damian Lewis, Homeland
The Borgias? Uh

Best TV Series: Comedy
Nominees: Enlightened, Episodes, Glee, Modern Family, The New Girl
Are any of these shows supposed to be funny?

Best Actress, TV: Comedy
Nominees: Laura Dern, Enlightened; Zooey Deschanel, The New Girl; Tina Fey, 30 Rock; Laura Linney, The Big C; Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation
Is Zooey Deschanel supposed to be funny?

Best Actor, TV: Comedy
Nominees: Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock; David Duchovny, Californication; Johnny Galecki, The Big Bang Theory; Thomas Jane, Hung; Matt LeBlanc, Episodes
Is The Big Bang Theory supposed to be funny?

Best Miniseries
Nominees: Cinema Verite, Downton Abbey, The Hour, Mildred Pierce, Too Big to Fail
Downton Abbey or GTFOOOOOO

Best Actress, Miniseries
Nominees: Romola Garai, The Hour; Diane Lane, Cinema Verite; Elizabeth McGovern, Downton Abbey, Emily Watson, Appropriate Adult; Kate Winslet, Mildred Pierce
Who what now? I like all these actresses ahhh choices hard

Best Actor, Miniseries
Nominees: Hugh Bonneville, Downton Abbey; Idris Elba, Luther; William Hurt, Too Big to Fail; Bill Nighy, Page Eight; Dominic West, The Hour
Stringer Bell vs. McNulty once again. Omar a-comin’

Best Supporting Actress, TV
Nominees: Jessica Lange, American Horror Story; Kelly MacDonald, Boardwalk Empire; Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey; Sofia Vergara, Modern Family; Evan Rachel Wood, Mildred Pierce
MAGGIE SMITH.

Best Supporting Actor, TV
Nominees: Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones; Paul Giamatti, Too Big to Fail; Guy Pearce, Mildred Pierce; Tim Robbins, Cinema Verite; Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family
Hahahaha guys can you imagine a world in which we’re all deliriously tired from enduring Ricky Gervais for ten hours and then he announces that the guy from Modern Family wins over Peter Dinklage and Paul Giamatti AND Guy Pearce?

Insightful critical wrap-up
Is this show honestly still going on? What is this? I can’t have an opinion about this category because I’m too tired to think. Ricky Gervais just go home.

OKAY, come here, I’ll give you a hug first. Now go home.

They picket soldiers’ funerals, claim President Obama is the Antichrist, and know the end is near. With their numbers shrinking, are they becoming even more extreme?

America’s Most Hated Family reminded me of the opening of Blue Velvet. Green lawns are mowed, flowers watered, kids play tag in the church playground while their older siblings rehearse a dance to the tune of a Top 40 pop song on the basketball court. On the surface, everything and everyone seems normal. But spend a little more time with these kids and their parents, and the twisted fanatical roots underneath the well manicured lawns of the Westboro Baptist Church become clear.

Lynch’s small town cult classic is not a bad place to start when engaging with Louis Thoreux’s recent documentary America’s Most Hated Family. Certainly, the narratives are not the same, but the underlying feelings of unease, repulsion, and fascination are similar. Now, turn the volume up. Way up. What is subtle in Blue Velvet is shouted in America’s Most Hated Family; the voyeurism of Lynch’s characters becomes exhibitionism on the part of the members of the Westboro Baptist Church. But unlike Lynch, who conceived of the world in his film and therefore understands it inside and out, Theroux enters into the world of the Westboro Baptist Church as an outsider seeking to understand.

Theroux spent time with the Westboro Baptist Church, famous for their extreme homophobia and picketing of soldiers’ funerals, once before in 2007. Since then, the Church has become even more fanatical – counting the days until the end of the world and doubling their publicity and picketing efforts. In spite of all this, the Church is hemorrhaging members, particularly the children of the church’s founding generation. This is the titular crisis.

It’s no surprise then that Theroux’s focus is on the younger members of the Church. He speaks to several of the children, ranging from 9 to 18 years old. The church doctrine is engrained in each with varying levels of eloquence, but rarely any true comprehension. When the logic of their beliefs is questioned, the teenagers smile as they stumble, trying to combine their emotions (these issues often have to do with friendship, particularly friends of the other gender) with their dogma. With contradictions aplenty, compartmentalization is king.

Yet Theroux is not above scrutiny, either. Unlike other documentarians who try to limit their time on camera, Theroux is a very present narrator. He claims to be engaging with the Church in an endeavor to understand, on a human level, what motivates them. For the most part, he stays true to this agenda, but from his constant syllogistic prodding it’s clear that he also hopes to break down some of those compartmentalized walls and allow secular reality to clash with religious identity, resulting in a more humanistic perspective for the younger members.

Whether from Theroux and the other media crews that engage with the families, or something else, several of the younger members have broken with the Church. In interviews with two of them, it’s clear that the girls miss their families. But their parents, when questioned, do their best not to discuss their feelings, and instead rely on church rhetoric to support their positions. Yet, by Theroux’s account, the families of the Westboro Baptist Church are tight-knit and loving (in spite of their occasional threats of banishment), as if all the scorn they’ve brought on themselves brings them closer. Still, with all their public hatemongering and private fearmongering, it would seem that the Westboro Baptist Church is more focused on severing ties than creating them.

Which brings me to my main question, which despite all of Theroux’s inquiries, was never answered: why must the Westboro Baptist Church be so hateful and combative in spreading their message? They would disagree with me, as they do with Theroux when he asks why they like upsetting people at their picket lines, and say that they aren’t being hateful. They claim their deeply offensive words and actions come from a place of love for their fellow human beings who have been lied to and now need to confront the truth to save themselves from eternal damnation. This conflation of love and hate is a perfect example of the contradictory and, at times, incomprehensible world that the members of the Westboro Baptist Church inhabit.

America’s Most Hated Family airs Friday 1/13 at 10PM ET/PT on National Geographic.

Note: The documentary originally aired on the BBC as America’s Most Hated Family In Crisis, but for the US version it is just America’s Most Hated Family.

Picking up where the Streamys left off, the IAWTV Awards would be the new litmus test for how well the indie genre of Web Entertainment could withstand such a mainstream affair as an awards show. Backed by some kickass sponsors like YouTube, Yahoo!, MyDamnChannel, and Crackle, the pressure was definitely on.

Earlier this week, we gave you a sneak peek sampling of five categories of Web series and the shows that make them awesome. Most of them, of course, were nominees in at least a couple of categories. So how did our faves fare?

Here’s what went down at the inaugural event. We present the tears, the bad jokes, the togas, the anarchy, the double rainbows, and too many hypocritical references to network television.

_________

It’s only the “preview” and they’ve already clipped Grace Helbig’s legendary Tampon video about five times. Off to a good start. For some real facts, the members of the panel are from 16 countries around the globe. This is a truly international event. I’m floored, considering this show is produced by an International Academy.

The future of Web Television has arrived and we are all apart of it. Our first booby prize for tuning in? We were the first ever eyes to glance upon the brand new statue. And we can’t undo this. It…kind of looks like a MoMA piece. Viewers are invited to tweet in their trophy nickname suggestions. They don’t even have a name for it?! This is pandemonium already. I vote Bluetooth Ivy. Oh, it’s made of golden pillars representing the togetherness of the Web. Cute.

We get a sampling of some videos that didn’t make it into the awards show. The first one looks like Jackass. Wait, here’s Charmin! She’s a badass rapper who will give those little British girls, Sophia and Grace, a run for their money. Look her up now. And here’s a David Cross lookalike parodying newscaster flubs.

BEST EDUCATIONAL WEB SERIES: DadLabs; Engineer Your Space; Financially Fit; The Great Camera Shootout 2011; What You Can Do

Oh no, they showed the audience, or lack thereof, in attendance. There’s an embarrassing amount of empty seats. I guess when you’re not the Oscars and you don’t have a real name for your award, you can’t afford to hire seat fillers. Since this is a Web Series awards show, maybe they should’ve just streamed live and forgone the audience. They also can’t afford more than one nameless award. Everyone kinda just gets to hold it. You know, like on Global Guts.

BEST NEW WEB SERIES: Breakout; Daily Ticker; Tech News Today; The Philip DeFranco Show; The Woodward Report

Josh Molina is here and he made a Jewish joke. This is now officially a real awards show.

BEST VARIETY SERIES: Fanboy Funhouse; Kids React; Mark Malkoff; Stripped Down Live (porn show); Team Unicorn (also a porn show)

Oh no, these guys have to thank 53 people. It kind of sounds like a rap. Now we’re heading into Grammy’s territory. Next they have to curse ten times and then thank God.

This sound quality is masterfully on par with that of my high school drama productions.

Napster presents the award for Best Music Show? Because everyone still uses Napster, right? Oh wait, but it’s actually just a ninja.

BEST ORIGINAL MUSIC: Rob Gokee, Night of the Zombie King; Rob Gokee, SOLO: The Series; Mike Jackson, AIDAN 5; Peace Nistades, Dragon Age: Redemption; Brian Satterwhite, CELL: The Web Series

This is just the same as every other awards show. We still can’t learn to write or deliver these presentation bits in a non-awkward manner.

BEST EDITING: Fawaz Al-Matrouk, Goldilocks; Jeff Cowan, RCVR/Web Series; Matthew Lyons and Kirby Jinnah, Riese: Kingdom Falling; Chris Preksta and Tyson VanSkiver, The Mercury Men; Tony E. Valenzuela, BlackBoxTV: The Series

BEST DESIGN: Greg Aronowitz, Dragon Age: Redemption; Ben Brown and Jason Mowry, AIDAN 5; Jonathan Nail and Michael Levine, SOLO: The Series; Kelly Wasserman, RCVR/Web Series; Eric Whitney, Continuum

So far this feels like it appeals to a very male audience, like those guys in high school who still traded Pokemon cards at lunch. I’m not judging. Felicia Day is the gaming master (mistress? that sounds derogatory). But I expected to see more variety and not as many repeats. Also, “I would double rainbow you” is NOT a pick up line.

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY: Andrew R. Deutsch, Night of the Zombie King; Christopher Charles Kempinski, Riese: Kingdom Falling; C. Kim Miles, Mortal Kombat: Legacy; Iskra Valtcheva and Michael Morlan, CELL: The Web Series; Joost Van Starrenburg, RCVR/Web Series

Other lessons: we can make Web Series but are still painfully incapable of livestreaming without glitches.

BEST WRITING IN NONFICTION: Benny Fine and Rafi Fine, Kids React; Grace Helbig, Daily Grace; Rudy Jahchan, A Comicbook Orange; Scott Lynch, The Great Camera Shootout 2011; Nar Williams, NextMovie Daily

This guy: “I’d like to thank the Academy, I guess?” Good, there you go. At least it wasn’t like Denzel Washington who didn’t know what the fuck was going on at the TONY Awards. Theater has its own Academy?! Ooh, and we have an advocate for stopping SOPA! Award shows ALWAYS get political. Always.

“Brevity is the soul of wit.” Is that a Dorothy Parker quote?

BEST WRITING IN COMEDY; Felicia Day, The Guild; Jeff Lewis, The Jeff Lewis 5-Minute Comedy Hour; Marilyn Anne Michaels and Dominic Conti, The Best Friend; Jessica Mills, Awkward Embraces; Steve Silverman, Pretty

Our girl, Felicia Day, takes it! It’s been five years almost to the day since she finished her first draft of The Guild. Why does she do what she does, you ask? Because of family. Her cast, her crew, the audience, and the family we create online. Viewers who enjoy the entertainment together. “Let’s all keep doing what we’re doing because we love it.” Now that was a speech. Go, girl.

BEST WRITING IN DRAMA: Vidas Barzdukas, AIDAN 5; Mark Gardner, CELL: The Web Series; Susan Miller and Tina Cesa Ward, Anyone But Me; David Nett, Rick Robinson & Andrew R. Deutsch, Night of the Zombie King; David Van Eyssen and Brian Horiuchi, RCVR/Web Series

I believe this is a show about lesbians. These ladies look like the Diane Keatons of web series. One’s wearing sunglasses insdoors. Baller.

BEST COSTUME DESIGN: Katie Broad, Fallout: Nuka Break; Jenny Green, Dan Crawley and Thais Yuki, Video Game Reunion; Kristin Ingram, The Guild; Megan Leson, Riese: Kingdom Falling; Shawna Trpcic, Dragon Age: Redemption

“Admorous” isn’t a word. Also, I may have been utterly mistaken. I think they get to keep their Bluetooth Ivy Awards. Get ready to clear a really tall shelf or bathroom cabinet.

Here’s our first SkyRim joke.

BEST MAKEUP/SPECIAL EFFECTS: Greg Aronowitz and Kimberly Graczyk, Dragon Age: Redemption; Michael Del Rossa, RCVR/Web Series; Kimberly Graczyk, The Guild; Ralis Kahn, Bianca Appice and Shintaro Kakioka, Fallout: Nuka Break; Jamie Register, A Good Knight’s Quest

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS: Chad Briggs, Continuum; Lawson Demming, Rocket Studios and Tunnel Post, RCVR/Web Series; Keegen Douglas, Mortal Kombat: Legacy; Shawn Likley, AIDAN 5; Chris Preksta, The Mercury Men

We have our first no-shows. C’mon. Don’t pull that shit. Only Maggie Smith can do that.

Here’s a woman wearing a toga. Oh wait, that’s a dress. It would’ve been better if it was a toga. Amber J. Lawson is thanking people for helping produce this show. Everyone has to stand as she announces their names. Like in elementary school assemblies. Where kids traded Pokemon cards.

Live-streamers are invited to stand up! I’m standing! I’m standing! I feel accounted for. I wasn’t aware it was a toga party, though. “You are the forward thinkers. You are the people who think out of the box. You are the risk takers. You are the people who make this community happen.” Can I get a hallelujah? Well that was more fun and interactive than one of those suits who comes out during big award shows basically telling you it’s time to take that bathroom break.

There is no ninja or robot to present that one. Just a classy voice over.

BEST MALE PERFORMANCE IN A COMEDY: Yuri Baranovsky (Aaron Morrison), Leap Year; Jeff Lewis, The Jeff Lewis 5-Minute Comedy Hour; Jeff Lewis (Stan), The Jeff Lewis 5-Minute Comedy Hour; Jonathan Nail (Scott Drizhal), SOLO: The Series; Sandeep Parikh (Zaboo), The Guild

Jeff is the second person to thank Felicia Day. She is the Tina Fey of Web Series.

BEST FEMALE PERFORMANCE IN A COMEDY: Alexis Boozer (Brynn Arbor), Leap Year; Emma Caulfield (Emma Caulfield), Bandwagon The Series; Felicia Day (Codex), The Guild; Julie Ann Emery (Emily), Then we got HELP!; Hillary B. Smith (Ellie), Fumbling thru the Pieces

Obviously, guys. She’s Tina. “I cannot run in stripper shoes.” Classy Day.

BEST MALE PERFORMANCE IN A DRAMA: Dingani Beza (Patrick Aubert), Asylum; Bryan Michael Block (Det. James Aidan), AIDAN 5; Daniel Bonjour (Luke Weber), RCVR/Web Series; Maxwell Glick (Hicks), Night of the Zombie King; Kevin McCarthy (The Man), CELL: The Web Series

“Man, it is heavy.” Typical.

BEST FEMALE PERFORMANCE IN A DRAMA; Jourdan Gibson (The Woman/Sarah), CELL: The Web Series; Rachael Hip-Flores (Vivian McMillan), Anyone But Me; Jeri Ryan (Sonya Blade), Mortal Kombat: Legacy; Maya Sayre (Det. Morgan Riley), AIDAN 5; Taryn Southern (Jamie Phillips), BlackBoxTV: The Series

Cool category coming up!

BEST SOCIAL MEDIA EXPERIENCE: CliffsNotes Films; Kids React; RCVR/Web Serie; Stupid For Movies; What’s Trending with Shira Lazar

Yes, yes, yes. “I get an award for tweeting! This is my first award ever!” This woman is what Web Series are about. “Remember,” she advises, “Google before you tweet.” She speaks from experience. Does everyone know about the Steve Jobs catastrophe? Her account tweeted that Steve Jobs had died before he actually had. Like months before. She was fired from CBS. But still going strong!

BEST SUPPLEMENTAL CONTENT: Kids React; RCVR/Web Series; The Further Adventures of Cupid and Eros; The Mercury Men; Vampire Zombie Werewolf

“Off with your router!” is the new monarchistic threat, guys.

BEST DISTRIBUTION PLATFORM: Blip.tv; Crackle; Dailymotion; Hulu; Joost

“Bring back Friendster!” Are we about to have a riot on our hands?

Broadcast TV won’t have this next award. Ever notice how shitty and difficult to navigate those network show sites are?

BEST WEBSITE DESIGN: AIDAN 5; Engineer Your Space; RCVR/Web Series; Ruby Skye P.I.; The Guild

Felicia is accepting for this and RUNNING in her stripper heels. Do they serve drinks at this thing?

These presenters just made a Gaddhafi joke, as if this were the Best Dictator Award. Too soon? Nah, this is the Internet, nerds. Anarchy!

BEST DIRECTING (NON-FICTION): Danny Cameron, DadLabs; Benny Fine and Rafi Fine, Kids React; Sandra J. Payne, The Web.Files; Brett Register, What’s Trending with Shira Lazar; Mike Rotman, Kevin Pollak’s Chat Show

He thanks Tim Tebow. “I’ve accepted a lot of Oscars in my shower, but I’m no Felicia Day.” Too easy.

BEST DIRECTING (COMEDY): Sean Becker, The Guild; Sean Becker, The Jeff Lewis 5-Minute Comedy Hour; Sandeep Parikh, Legend of Neil; Steve Silverman, Pretty; Frederick Snyder, SOLO: The Series

BEST DIRECTING (DRAMA): Ben Bays, AIDAN 5; Tina Cesa Ward, Anyone But Me; David Nett, Night of the Zombie King; Chris Preksta, The Mercury Men; David Van Eyssen, RCVR/Web Series

Grace Helbig is presenting. By far the funniest one up there yet. She’s like the Amy Poehler of presenters. Everyone’s the something of something, am I right?

BEST HOSTED LIVE WEB SERIES: Geek Beat LIVE; Indie Intertube; Kevin Pollak’s Chat Show; Stupid For Movies; What’s Trending with Shira Lazar

Shira Lazar is What’s Trending now, bitches. She is an inspiration.

BEST HOST (TAPED): Khail Anonymous, ETC – Entertainment, Technology, Culture; Burnie Burns, Immersion; Kristyn Burtt, The Web.Files; Casey McKinnon, A Comicbook Orange; Brad Powell, DadLabs

BEST HOST (LIVE): April Grant and Amanda Shockley, Indie Intertube; Mark Keizer and Wade Major, Stupid For Movies; Shira Lazar, What’s Trending with Shira Lazar; Kevin Pollak, Kevin Pollak’s Chat Show; Curt Smith, Stripped Down Live

So turns out there’s not a lot of variety with these winners either. “More to come,” says Lazar. “This is history in the making for everyone.” I’m a sucker for those revolutionary bits.

Grace says that the total number of Twitter followers of everyone nominated tonight is…eleventy billion. And if they all were to tweet at the same moment, the earth would explore into the sun. It’s science. She’s so smart.

BEST HOSTED TAPED WEB SERIES: A Comicbook Orange; ETC – Entertainment, Technology, Culture; Immersion; NextMovie Daily; The Web.Files

We officially have our first sign of waterworks. Another +1 for being on our way to a real awards show.

I rest my case! The teleprompter’s messed up. These presenters now have to rely on their memories. What do they think we are, humans?! “Boo, technology!” she says. Umm, you’re at an awards show for the Web.

BEST DOCUMENTARY WEB SERIES: Beyond the Gallery; Deja View; Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell; The Founders; White Collar Brawler

BEST ANIMATED WEB SERIES: CliffsNotes Films; Dick Figures; Red vs. Blue; Sketch 22; The World of Bruce McCall

Now Shira Lazar and Kevin Pollak are here to present the last two awards. Shira is maybe the Meryl Streep of the IAWTV awards and Kevin Pollak is the Kevin Pollak.

“You’ve worked with Hollywood,” says Shira. The H-word! That’s taboo, Lazar!

Are they doing improv right now? “Awkward silences are always great when you’re live.” She would know. Oh, they were waiting for a scripted conversation with Siri. The tech on this production is just flawless.

BEST COMEDY WEB SERIES: Gigi: Almost American; Pretty; The Guild; The Jeff Lewis 5-Minute Comedy Hour; Video Game Reunion

We hear some voice say, “The Teleprompter must’ve been freaking out. Haha.” Again, the tech is just without flaw here.

BEST DRAMA WEB SERIES: AIDAN 5; Anyone But Me; CELL: The Web Series; Pioneer One; RCVR/Web Series

Considering the title of this show was pronounced three different ways throughout the night, its win sure took me by surprise. But the presenter is British so he automatically convinces everyone of the validity of his words and his dapper existence. He’s also in a suit. Where do you think you are, an awards show with an audience?

If you’ve made it this far, that’s incredible and your Bluetooth Ivy is being shipped as we speak.

What I’ve learned:

The physical award should be changed to a golden statue of Felicia Day, in her stripper heels, and next year it will be called The Day Awards or The Felishes. Just as long as we can’t tell that it’s named after a woman, like the TONYs. Also, would it be counterproductive of me to say that Shira Lazar and Grace Helbig should have their own network TV shows? Probably. But these ladies need to go mainstream. And while Web Entertainment deserves some quality funding and attention, it is certainly still on the periphery.

Lastly, next year, Felicia will win the first Lifetime Achievement Award for six whole dedicated years in the biz. So look out for that. We’re making history here, guys. History.

“2 Broke Girls” is a charming comedy about two down-and-out young women in New York City, who support and love each other through highs and lows as they struggle to realize their dream of opening a cupcake shop. It is also, coincidentally, a piece of total fucking racist shit. Life is weird sometimes, huh? But for those of you who love the sizzling (platonic!) chemistry between leads Kat Dennings and Beth Behrs, but could do without all the over-the-top racist garbage, good news: someone (or, everyone) finally told co-creator Michael Patrick King that the show’s offensive racial stereotypes are, you know, offensive racial stereotypes.

In case you did something actually productive with your afternoon today, instead of following late-breaking sitcom-related news: co-creator King appeared, alongside Dennings and Behrs, at a panel at the Television Critics Association press tour this afternoon in Pasadena. After wading through the traditional softball questions, King was asked whether he planned on “dimensionalizing” the show’s secondary characters/ clownish racial caricatures, which include a short, emasculated Asian man, a wise old black man, and Borat. King replied that they had been dimensionalized already, and when the reporter pushed further—asking specifically about the living, breathing “Asian people talk weird, hyuck hyuck!” joke Han–well, let’s just let King tell you himself (as reported by Entertainment Weekly) :

“I like Han…I like his character. I like the fact he’s an immigrant. I like that he’s trying to fit into America. I like the fact in the last three episodes we haven’t made Asian jokes, we’ve only made short jokes.”

If you don’t watch the show, you might not understand why this statement is total bullshit– but it is. The role of Han could literally be played by a piece of paper with “ASIAN!” written on it and get the same effect

Now here’s the part where things get truly interesting: King seems genuinely flustered to be called out about the pantsload of racially offensive content on “2 Broke Girls,” shocked that anyone found the show’s characterizations more offensive than entertaining.

When prodded further about the issue, King exclaimed: “I’m gay! I don’t find any of it offensive. I find it comic to take everybody down.”

Ah, the ol’ racism “gay-fense.” Hey, wait, there is no ol’ racism “gay-fense”! That doesn’t even make any sense!

The conference also touched on the show’s plethora of bawdy sexual jokes, but there’s an easy answer there—“2 Broke Girls” talks dirty because “Two and a Half Men” duh. But while a lot of network comedy fare seems to occasionally fumble with awkward racial humor, nothing is quite as tone-deaf and relentlessly battering in its prejudice as “2 Broke Girls” …until this month’s debut of sexist/ transphobic fever dream“Work It,” that is. So, what the hell is going on here?

I have a few theories, which I will share with you, even though you didn’t ask (I forgive you for not asking)(this time). I think, even in our post-”Sex and the City” era (an era that King helped create!), stories about the lives of women are still seen as a commercial gamble. Take away all of SATC’s romantic entanglements and consumer porn, and you’ve left yourself open to accusations of communism, as well as low ratings. Or so conventional wisdom would have you believe. Conventional wisdom would also have you believe that something everyone finds funny is cartoonish stereotyping (racial and otherwise)–as long as as said stereotypes seem “sassy” and not, you know, totally oppressed or whatever. And thus, a generous frosting of “can’t miss” racial comedy is applied to an actually-fun sitcom about two young girls making it in the big city–two tastes that definitely don’t taste great–or make any sens–together. The idea of the show’s two main characters cracking racist jokes like they’re Jeff Dunham hand puppets feels even more off than the show’s assertion that hipsters listen to Coldplay. What 20-something Williamsburg-dwelling girls sit around telling Asian jokes all day? (well, maybe some that work for Vice).

But hey, what do I know? “2 Broke Girls” was the breakout comedy of the fall season, and perhaps that was because of, not in spite of, the show’s heavy-handed and horrid racial humor. Maybe I’m the one that’s wrong here. But I think King’s aggro response (and follow-up Irish joke) was telling: I think he know the show had been built lazily, from the cheap materials of racist gags. And maybe he can see it starting to come apart at the seams.