Ron Swanson is the director of the parks department on the NBC Sitcom Parks and Recreation. A champion in the fight against big government, Ron has brought his department in under budget every year, and has eliminated many unnecessary programs including the local skate park, observatory and Native American heritage center. Aside from his cost cutting ways, viewers of the show are also privy to Ron’s trials and tribulations in the dating department. Now, two ex-wives (both named Tammy — just like his mother) later, Ron has decided to take his search for love to the same place any sane person would, to OkCupid.com by filling out a profile on the dating website, and waiting for the suitors come calling. We’ve unearthed his profile and are ready to share it with the world.
What I’m Doing with my Life: I am the director of the parks and recreation department for the city of Pawnee, Indiana. Due to my libertarian beliefs, I don’t believe in the mission of my job. Yes, I am aware of the irony. I don’t want my parks department to build any parks, I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations. Chuck E. Cheese could run the parks. Everything operated by tokens. Drop in a token, go on the swing set. Drop in another token, take a walk. Drop in a token, look at a duck…. My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe … when he desires them.
What I’m Looking For: I’ve developed a scientifically perfect 10 point scale of human beauty. 10 is tennis legend Steffi Graf , 9 would be your Kerri Strug , sculpted lower back, sinewy, coltish, 8 would be your Dominque Dawes , Natalia Shaposhnikova , I like gymnasts, 7 would be the Greek goddess Aphrodite, meaty, delicious, omnipotent and 1-6 i don’t like to discuss because the criteria are extremely misogynistic.
What Do You Enjoy Doing in Your Free Time: I’m a simple man, I like pretty-dark haired woman and breakfast foods . I’m passionate about food, my ideal night would start with a course of bacon-wrapped shrimp, that’s my number one favorite food wrapped around my number three favorite food. I’d go to a banquet in honor of those Somali pirates if they served bacon-wrapped shrimp. For the main course, a dish I call turf n’ turf, it’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse.
Self-Summary : I got my first job when I was nine working at a sheet metal factory when I was Nine. Two weeks later I was running the floor. Child labor laws are ruining this country. I have 2 ex-wives both named Tammy. My 2nd wife Tammy works for the library. Every time she laughs, an angel dies. Even telemarketers avoid her. Her birth was payback for the sins of man. On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rushed to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.
You Should Contact Me If: You enjoy the works of Ayn Rand, privatizing government, and can guarantee fridge space for a dozen deviled eggs.
Photo: Nick Offerman as Ron Swanson in Parks and Recreation
Jay Sutel
Jay Sutel lives in Boston, Massachusetts and has a girlfriend. He graduated from an elite northeast college and was educated at private school before that. He has a vinyl record player so he probably knows what he’s talking about. You can follow him on Twitter href="http://twitter.com/JSutel" ...
Read more about Jay Sutel ->
More on these topics:
bacon-wrapped shrimp, OkCupid, Parks and Rec, Ron Swanson, Steffi Graf
