American Idol Drinking Game:
Drink whenever Randy says, “For me.”
Drink whenever Randy says, “For you.”
Chug if he uses both in the same sentence (as in: “For me, dawg, for you — hmm… — for me — for you — it was just ok.”)
Drink whenever Kara says, “The thing I love about you…”
Drink if the thing Kara loves is that the contestant knows who he/she is.
Drink whenever Ellen makes a joke that isn’t funny.
Drink whenever “Short Stack” Seacrest is dwarfed by a female contestant.
Drink whenever Kara gets a girl-boner over a male contestant under the age of 25.
Drink twice when she gets a girl-boner over a male contestant under the age of 20.
Drink whenever Simon chides Kara for her pedophilic tendencies.
Drink if Randy thinks Simon’s chiding is funny.
Drink if Randy expresses his enjoyment of Simon’s chiding by saying, “Dog.” (or “Dawg.) (Or, my personal favorite, “Sime-dawg.”)
Drink if Ellen is too busy trying to come up with her next zinger to notice what’s going on around her.
Drink if a contestant is, “Pitchy.”
Drink if a contestant isn’t, “Pitchy,” but does have some, “Pitch problems.”
Drink if a contestant does or doesn’t have the wow factor.
Or is, “Hot!”
Or is, “A bit karaoke.”
Drink if he/she makes the wrong song choice.
Drink if he/she makes the right song choice, but just, “I don’t know, just, I mean, it just, for me wasn’t quite…good song choice but…for me…you know what I’m saying…?”
[i.e. Drink when Randy is inarticulate]
Drink when Randy references the fact that he used to play bass with Journey. 
Drink when you picture Randy , afro’d (sort of), eyes closed, thumping away on “Don’t Stop Believin’” under the lights in front of screaming thousands.
Drink triple if this image turns you on.
Drink quadruple if Kara turns you on. Then shoot yourself.
Ditto for Simon.
Ditto for Seacrest.
Drink if when you read the last one you thought, “But Seacrest is objectively attractive.” He isn’t. Drink again.
Drink whenever Kara says something completely idiotic and Simon gives her this look like, “Seriously?” then attempts to cut her down with some idiomatic British phrase that Kara doesn’t understand, and which “Short Stack” interprets as vague homoerotic innuendo towards him, thus prompting him to say something like, “Whoa,” and Simon, to say, “Ryan…” and Randy to laugh though he doesn’t know what he’s laughing at, and Ellen to take this moment to add even more hair gel while Kara is under the table attempting to fellate Simon, who, unfortunately, left his penis backstage along with his testicles, and -unfortunately -- his chest hair trimmer, so all that’s left is the beast of a Brit, ball-less, looking for any excuse to cut anyone down, albeit hilariously (sometimes), and Randy “The Dawg” howling into the stage lights (he thinks they’re the moon), and Ellen cracking wise, and Kara sucking the tip of Simon’s belt because she’s confused and, let’s face it, pilled out or drunk, so FOX cuts to a commercial break…
from prettyontheoutside.typepad.com
This game is not for the weak of liver.
Other notes:
-Why was Ellen pawing Simon like she’s the Fonz parked on lover’s lane? This is the kind of obvious joke (because she’s a lesbian, get it?) Ellen is good for.
-Katie Stevens did her best to be “younger” by singing a Kelly Clarkson song. She wasn’t great. Neither was the song, though, apparently, it’s one of Randy’s, “Favorite songs ever written in the modern time of today.” (Drink.) I’m still trying to parse this syntax.
-The judges kept telling Katie she doesn’t know what kind of artist she wants to be. She does know -- she wants to be a sexy but subtle R+B singer -- but the judges want her to be something different because 17 year-old white girls aren’t supposed to be sexy, subtle, or R+B singers.
-Siobhan Magnus is so weird! She reminds me of a someone talking about groovy music and free love, in a 60′s documentary about the counterculture. Really great voice though. A bit screamy at times but, quirky as she is, she probably does more classic AI-style belting than most of this season’s contestants.
-Ellen, on “House of the Rising Sun”: “I’m from New Orleans, I know that house?”
What? Is that even a joke? Who’s writing this stuff?
-Everyone seems to like Siobhan except Simon, who doesn’t get it. I usually agree with Simon and disagree with the other judges, so I’m a bit confused here. The truth is, I think Simon is a little square for the freaky Siobhan. He’s only interested in commercial potential, and Siobhan definitely doesn’t have it.
-Lacey Brown hasn’t been doing a very good job so far, but I think her biggest problem is the number of intense close-ups of her face during her performances. Not that she’s ugly or anything, I just feel like I’ve spent half of season 9 looking up Lacey Brown’s nostrils. Idol’s not her thing. She’d be better singing late night in some Hollywood bar, the kind of singer you like because you’re on your 5th tequila and she keeps winking at you like she wants to take you into the bathroom after the show and do her real Stevie Nicks impersonation. Which is to say: her sexuality might be a little forward for Idol.
-Surprisingly, the judges seemed to like Lacey this week. Simon even made a comment about how she’s always looking at the right places for the camera.
-Speaking of forward sexuality/outright ho-iness, am I the only the only one who finds Katelyn Epperley ridiculously attractive? I think the real Lacey is probably more of a tease, whereas Ep would actually go home with you. Pure speculation. And by you, I mean me. And by me, I mean me at a time in my life before I’d met my beautiful, wonderful girlfriend who is reading this column right now and thinking of ways to poison me. Or else she’s having sex dreams about Tim Robbins (long story) and not paying attention to a word I’m saying/writing.
-Not Ep’s best performance this week with Carol King’s “I feel the Earth Move.” She should have listened to the Blind Melon version. Judges were haters. Kind of agree, but I hope she makes the next round.
-Would anyone object to Kara putting a paper bag over her head for the duration of the show? Not that she’s even ugly (though her girl-trying-on-mom’s-makeup-look and soulless bug eyes leave much to be desired) but at least the bag might muffle her talking.
-Didi Benami! Yes! First of all-great song choice, and she didn’t hack it up! Never heard an acoustic “Rhiannon” before. I’d download this on Itunes. (In fact, I think I will -- a first for American Idol!) Second, Didi is something hot! She gives off the “I’m a cute sexy waitress next door, but don’t think for a second I don’t have a dirty side that you, poor boy at home with your laptop, will never have the chance to admire” -- vibe. You know someone’s a true star when you see them and know they would never have sex with the likes of you. And by you I mean you, not me.
-Know who isn’t hot or a good singer or at all interesting -- Paige Miles. Seriously. If she doesn’t go home I’ll be upset, because -- believe it or not -- I actually like all the other female contestants.
-Bowersox is back again! I said enough about her last week. This week not quite as jawdropping, but really, really excellent.
-Loved Lily Scott on mandolin. She’s great, and she won’t win, or even come close. This is a shame. On the bright side, she might have a career. Judges were right though — this wasn’t a showstopping last song. Bowersox is a tough act to follow.
For more of my madness, follow me on twitter @bubblesdepot
adam wilson
Adam Wilson’s first novel, Flatscreen will be published by Harper Perennial in Winter 2012. He is a former culture columnist for Blackbook, and a former TV blogger for Flavorwire. His journalism, criticism, and fiction have appeared in many publications ...
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