Dear Leigh Stein,

I have other problems, but the problem I’m writing you with today is this: I hate my neighbor. For 6 years I have lived abover her. She blasts (BLASTS) her TV all day and all night as well as keeps radios going in other rooms of her apartment at the same time. She plays a radio stationed at her front door to, what, keep bad spirits away? I believe she gets high on noise. She lives alone. She is surly and has been taken to court by 1) other neighbors for harassment 2) the condo association for not paying common charges. Unfortunately, I own my apartment and can’t sell it because of the wretched housing market. Unfortunately, I own my apartment and must pay not only my own but her common charges. Our maintenence fees keep going up because she never intended to pay the fees and now owes more than $30,000 in back payments. She doesn’t answer the door when the police come to try to make her turn down her noise. She is broke and can’t pay the fines that keep mounting against her. She ain’t going anywhere. My 3 year old daughter hears her thumping and raging in the night every night. I’m feeling murderous. Help.

Stuck in Jersey City

Dear Stuck,

I see two ways this could go: revenge or resignation.

If you choose revenge, I would suggest getting your three-year-old involved, collecting small bugs that can be released under the door of your nemesis. You could also cover your daughter’s hands in red finger paint, and allow her to stamp her tiny paws all over the neighbor’s door in the dead of night. Basically be a nuisance, and when her radio shatters your life, take comfort in the fact that you are getting her back.

If you choose resignation, take comfort in the fact that, unlike her, you’re not going deaf. Spend more time outdoors. (Even in New Jersey, spring will come eventually.) Go all out Emily Dickinson on her ass, and lower baskets of cookies out of your window to hers. When she blares her TV, tell your daughter that the sad lady is at it again, and make up a song about it. Sad lady, sad lady, what do you see? Slip paper cranes of peace under her door.

Whatever you do, know that you are setting an example for your daughter on how to deal with crazy people. Either she will grow up to be a bitchin’ killer like Saoirse Ronan in the film Hanna, or a saintly beauty like Lady Sybil Crawley on Downton Abbey, who’s been on my mind a lot lately because I just lost two weekends of my life to this show.

Best of luck, Leigh

Illustration by Grace Do

The post The Fallback Plan for Nightmarish Neighbors appeared first on The Faster Times.

Dear Leigh,

I want to learn all about meter and form, but I have a short attention span, so do you know of any good places to eat around here (Pasadena, California?) Also, your author photos are very nice, I like overalls. (I think those are overalls) Sometimes, I want to be a girl, because girls are nice looking. (Relevant information: I’m a boy.)

What should I do?

Sincerely, Anonymous (Boy)

Dear Boy,

Celiac Disease is a serious health disorder that affects at least 1 in every 133 Americans. For many of us, living in the treetops a la Swiss Family Robinson has always been a dream, but as the middle class vanishes in a plume of car exhaust we must contend with the reality of just visiting trees on the weekends. “Sorry you were born the wrong gender,” my nana used to say, unknowingly giving me the title for my new memoir. Take heart and be not discouraged. Every time you see an adult in overalls, you have a new character to add to your roman

The post The Fallback Plan for Short Attention Spans appeared first on The Faster Times.

Dear writer,

What’s the best etiquette for found poems? That is, if said found poem includes text messages from someone who you were hooking up with and remain on friendly terms with, but don’t see often?

Yours, Poet-with-questions

Dear Poet,

My etiquette for found poems is “If we are hooking up and you are texting me, know that I am putting it in a poem. I am a poet.” I have this tattooed across my clavicle, and I always wear camisoles to bars.

Best of luck, Leigh

Dear Leigh

How can I, having three little children (aged 4 and 2 years old and 3 months) and a fulltime job, find time for projects of my own?

I’m looking forward to your solution(s)!

Sincerely, Annelies (from Ghent, Belgium)

Dear Annelies,

As someone who owns a cat who was born without a tail and a boyfriend, I sympathize with your concern. The cat is always crawling all over me, begging for attention, and the boyfriend constantly needs to be fed. It’s hard to make me time but here are some ideas:

1. Insomnia. Over-commit yourself until anxiety shakes you awake at 3am, and then drag yourself out of bed to write sad stories about your ex-boyfriends. Sure, you’ll feel like a zombie the next day, but oh how sweet those dark silent hours can be.

2. Put your kids to work. Will your boss notice? Probably not.

3. Make your kids your project. See also: Sally Mann, Marla Olmstead, Kate Gosselin.

And remember: Charles Dickens had ten children and still managed to do a lot. So if all else fails, maybe you just need what he had: a wife.

My best, Leigh

Illustrations by Krysten Brown

The post The Fallback Plan for When You’re Not Charles Dickens appeared first on The Faster Times.

Hello Leigh,

I am just no longer confident in my ability to make decisions for myself. I consider myself to be a pretty rational, level-headed person but it seems like I’m either very very unlucky or…or…I actually don’t even know what I am anymore! I’m confused…I just don’t trust myself to make good decisions anymore- not good, but the right ones? I also don’t really know if I know the difference between what is good and what is right!! Can you help?

Sincerely, The French Canadian

Dear FC,

To answer your question, I went back in time to the 18th century to hang out with a friend of a friend, Immanuel Kant (long story but basically he and my dad used to be in a band together). Kant has this concept of the categorical imperative, which goes like this: “Act only according to that maxim whereby you can, at the same time, will that it should become a universal law.”

Totally pretentious, right?

I was like, Hello, Kant, can you speak my Gen Y language? I only understand concepts of morality when sung by Kanye.

So then he was like, “Act in such a way that you treat humanity, whether in your own person or in the person of any other, never merely as a means to an end, but always at the same time as an end.” He said “right” trumps “good.”

“Give me an example,” I said.

“OK,” he said. “Take slackers. Is it ‘good’ to sit around the fire, drinking ale with your bros and talking about boobs?”

“…yes?”

“Yes,” Kant said, “’tis good. However, is it ‘right’? Would we want slackerdom to be a universal law, practiced by everyone?”

My mind flashed back to the time I had to move back home to New Jersey because my mom died and I just got stoned at parties all the time until I fell in love with an epileptic girl. Oh wait. That was Garden State. But I could relate.

FC, what I am trying to convey here is that you must ask yourself: is the choice I am making the one I would wish for the world? Do I wish for everyone to eat frites? Do I want everyone ruining their romantic relationships for a chance at a one-night stand with Ryan Gosling? Should we all hug our grandparents every time we see them?

You are making the world a better place every time you choose frites.

Signing off now. The jet lag from the time travel is srsly blowing my mind.

Love, Leigh

Illustration by Lauren Kaelin

The post The Fallback Plan for Good vs. Right appeared first on The Faster Times.

Dear Leigh,

How can I work on being OK with being alone, or more specifically, how can I not consider the possibility of a romantic relationship with practically every boy I see?

Sincerely, Gelsey

Dear Gelsey,

We all want to be with someone. Take me for example. I want to be with Ryan Gosling. But over the years, I have come up with some strategies to cultivate alone-ness, otherwise known as independence:

1. Become a writer. This is a solo activity, requiring hours of your time. You’ll look forward to those rejection letters, because the pain and disappointment will briefly obliterate any desire to have a boyfriend. (You wouldn’t want some guy watching over your shoulder as you ate a pint of ice cream in your zebra-print snuggie, would you?)

2. Call your mom. She’ll remind you of how special you are, much too special to be dating your restaurant manager, who is fifteen years your senior and says you guys can only go out if you promise not to tell anyone because he could lose his job. (When he finally dumps you, by refusing to answer your phone calls, report him to the general manager, who will take you aside in the restaurant coat closet and try to bribe you into staying quiet by offering you tickets to The Lion King. Say no.)

3. Only hang out with your single friends. Couples are obnoxious. They feed each other. They have nicknames. They are horrible. (Until you are one half of one, and then it’s really cute.)

4. Spend less time on your own flaws, and more time on theirs. Instead of worrying that your hair/waistline/feet/personality are preventing you from finding true love, pay attention to what’s wrong with these guys. They aren’t perfect either. (Unless we’re talking about Ryan Gosling. But back off. He’s mine.)

I’m wishing you a new year of learning to love yourself just the way you are: independent!

Love, Leigh

Illustration by Julie Reiters

The post The Fallback Plan for Being Alone appeared first on The Faster Times.

For an illustrated fallback plan of your own, write to Leighstein@thefastertimes.com

Dear Leigh;

I feel deep in my bones that I was born to be an Edwardian gentleman of leisure, sitting in my library in slightly odd trousers, reading books all day long. Yet I was also born in 1976, and have no money. What can be done about this?

Yours sincerely, James

Dear James,

I can already tell, by your .com.au email address, that you are a man of substance, with a charming accent. That being said, please send a picture of the odd trousers post-haste.

I have some plans for you to make money by just being you:

1. What do you know about ghosts? You could charge tourists ten pence, or ten kangaroos, or whatever it is you use down there for currency, and lead them through your hometown, pointing out the charming locales and scintillating details of recent (and ancient) murders.

2. Book recommender. Instead of sitting in your library all day like a layabout, visit someone else’s library! Tell them what’s wrong with their collection, and how they could improve it. Drop foreign words, like weltschmerz or saudade or Balzac so they know you are an important person with lots of knowledge. Then send an invoice.

3. John Keats. Keats had rich friends, so why shouldn’t you? Sure, he paid the cost of tuberculosis, but at least he died before his friends could collect his debts.

4. Psychotherapist. It takes approximately forever to get a degree in this, but in the end, you can require that everyone refer to you as “Dr. James,” and you’ll be able to afford all sorts of trousers.

Best of luck, Leigh

Cartoon by Sommer Browning, author of Either Way I’m Celebrating

The post The Fallback Plan for Edwardian Gentlemen appeared first on The Faster Times.

Dear Leigh,

I recently bought a gaudy cocktail ring for $8 at a flea market. My boyfriend thinks it looks like an engagement ring and that wearing it is my psychotic way of hinting that he should propose. I don’t want him to propose. I don’t even know which finger an engagement ring is supposed to go on. How can I convince him that I just really like giant sparkly things?

Sincerely, Esme

Dear Esme,

For the record: left hand ring finger.

Off the record: I have a friend who once spent Valentine’s Day driving through the state of Missouri with her boyfriend. They stopped at a souvenir shop somewhere in the Ozarks, and he told her to pick something out and he would buy it for her. She picked a faux turquoise ring that cost ninety-nine cents. They broke up the next day.

Moral of the story: Don’t ever go to the Ozarks.

See also: When a man sees a ring on his girlfriend’s hand, he has a small stroke and while his brain is under temporary paralysis, visions of fat red babies and tuna noodle casserole dance in his head.

How to convince him you just like giant sparkly things: Wrap yourself up in a big glittery box and when he unwraps it say, I don’t want to be your wife, I just wanna be your Joey Ramone. And then smash a guitar over his head.

Yours in solidarity, Leigh

Illustration by Grace Do

The post The Fallback Plan for Getting Engaged (Or Not) appeared first on The Faster Times.

Dear Leigh,

I have never left the state of Maryland in my life, due to school, work, and a fear of flying. Now I want to get the heck out on a trip. Where (in the US) would you suggest going? Or should I just stay put?

- Chris

Dear Chris,

I once paid $700 for an Amtrak rail pass and traveled the North American continent for thirty days. Am I recommending you do the same? Weigh these pros and cons:

PRO: Seeing Texas out the window for about three thousand consecutive hours.

CON: Sleeping in a chair for thirty days.

PRO: Having the train engineer, on a trip from New Orleans to San Antonio, take you on a personal tour of “the engine room” and tell you Mardi Gras train legends: midgets, grand pianos, and near-death experiences involving industrial-strength twist ties.

CON: Sleeping in a chair for thirty days.

PRO: Receiving a strip tease (from drunk man) in observation car on same trip, from New Orleans to San Antonio.

CON: Amtrak coffee.

PRO: Climbing/walking/hiking to the top of Mont Royal for approximately five hours and then taking a picture on your phone so everyone at home will be so jealous.

CON: Taking the “short cut” down, next to the sign that says DO NOT GO HERE, and then falling down a sheer mud face, your plummet only halted when you reach out and grab a birch tree.

PRO: Reaching places where there are rivers to kayak in, ponds to swim in, oceans to lie by, ripe nectarines to eat, borders to cross, and a hostel bunk bed with your name on it.

Bon voyage, Leigh

Illustration by Carolita Johnson

The post The Fallback Plan for Getting the Hell out of Dodge appeared first on The Faster Times.

The Fallback Plan is a weekly column, offering advice to those undergoing a second adolescence. For an illustrated fallback plan of your own, write to Leighstein@thefastertimes.com

Dear Miss Leigh,

As opposed to most of my problematic sitches, I am writing in regards to my work environment, not a failed romance. I like my job, but I have a slightly insane manager and I am not sure how to address her particular brand of cuckoo. My manager is genuinely kind, yet extremely clingy and overdramatic. She invites me to do things outside of work, signs her emails with “xo”, says “love ya babe” and the other day she called me… POOKIE! (Horrors!) I find it unprofessional and honestly, a little frightening, as she speaks a great deal of baby talk more generally. What is this working girl to do?

Sincerely, Confused freelance femme

Dear CFF,

You sound like a genuinely nice person. You like people! You like liking people! You want them to like you! But being a people pleaser (and trust me, I know) can set you up for sticky work situations, in which you find yourself dressed in your therapist costume (long skirt, ethnic jewelry) more often than your worker bee suit (black and yellow tights).

To help you, I’ve come up with a list of fallback plan phrases. Things to say to your boss the next time she invites you to accompany her to lunch, or on a romantic cruise in the New York harbor:

“Wouldn’t it be so fun if you had lunch in your cubicle, and I had lunch in mine, and we pretended we were together?”

“Love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime, but not at work.”

“Who wants to play the silent game?”

“Shall I compare thee to a summer day? No, I shan’t, I have work to do.”

“LA LA LA LA LA LA LA.”

“Raise your hand if you feel mildly sexually harassed right now. Or is it just me?”

Just kidding about the last one! I’ve heard there’s some kind of economic crisis going on right now, and you might want to hold on to that job.

Good luck, Leigh

Illustration by Julie Reiters

The post The Fallback Plan for When Your Boss Is a Ghoul appeared first on The Faster Times.

Dear Miss Leigh,

I fell head over heels for the most lovely man a few month ago. I adore him, but I have to end it. It will never work because he’s married (whoopsy!) and I’m moving to the big city anyway. Please help! How do I break up with my married boyfriend without smashing his heart into smithereens?

Thanks bunch!

Your biggest fan, Nina Sabina

Dear Nina,

Get your hands off my husband. Totally kidding! He says your hands are really soft.

There are many ways to break hearts, in addition to your sledgehammer strategy. Try writing a note and leaving it under his windshield wiper. Try standing outside his bedroom window with a boombox over your shoulders and play “Don’t Know What You Got (Til It’s Gone)” by Cinderella until you either start crying or your ears start bleeding.

“But Miss Leigh,” I hear you saying, “I don’t have a boombox! I’m a modern woman!”

You have lungs, don’t you? Sing, Nina. I dare you to sing, “I can’t clear my heart of your love it falls like rain,” and see if your married boyfriend doesn’t get the hint.

Best of luck, Leigh

Dear Leigh,

How does one gracefully get one’s spare keys back from an ex-boyfriend who is not known for being reasonable?

Best, Catherine

Dear Catherine,

Do you know how many times I’ve had this problem? About eight million. Because that’s how many ex-boyfriends I have.

Here’s your plan: hostage situation. Find something dear to your ex, like the Alice in Chains concert t-shirt you’ve been using as a nightie, or the USB stick containing draft six of his dissertation on the Wandering Jew in 19th century literature, which he left sticking out of your laptop one night when you said it was OK for him to come over and use your printer, not realizing it would be the last time you ever had sex.

Got it? Now go photograph yourself holding your hostage out a window, and click send. Arrange to meet at a public place. Exchange the goods.

Then go home and never look back.

Graceful, Leigh

Illustrations by Lauren Kaelin

The post The Fallback Plan for Exes and Ohs appeared first on The Faster Times.