The Fallback Plan for When Your Boss Is a Ghoul

The Fallback Plan is a weekly column, offering advice to those undergoing a second adolescence. For an illustrated fallback plan of your own, write to Leighstein@thefastertimes.com

Dear Miss Leigh,

As opposed to most of my problematic sitches, I am writing in regards to my work environment, not a failed romance. I like my job, but I have a slightly insane manager and I am not sure how to address her particular brand of cuckoo. My manager is genuinely kind, yet extremely clingy and overdramatic. She invites me to do things outside of work, signs her emails with “xo”, says “love ya babe” and the other day she called me… POOKIE! (Horrors!) I find it unprofessional and honestly, a little frightening, as she speaks a great deal of baby talk more generally. What is this working girl to do?

Sincerely,
Confused freelance femme

Dear CFF,

You sound like a genuinely nice person. You like people! You like liking people! You want them to like you! But being a people pleaser (and trust me, I know) can set you up for sticky work situations, in which you find yourself dressed in your therapist costume (long skirt, ethnic jewelry) more often than your worker bee suit (black and yellow tights).

To help you, I’ve come up with a list of fallback plan phrases. Things to say to your boss the next time she invites you to accompany her to lunch, or on a romantic cruise in the New York harbor:

“Wouldn’t it be so fun if you had lunch in your cubicle, and I had lunch in mine, and we pretended we were together?”

“Love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime, but not at work.”

“Who wants to play the silent game?”

“Shall I compare thee to a summer day? No, I shan’t, I have work to do.”

“LA LA LA LA LA LA LA.”

“Raise your hand if you feel mildly sexually harassed right now. Or is it just me?”

Just kidding about the last one! I’ve heard there’s some kind of economic crisis going on right now, and you might want to hold on to that job.

Good luck,
Leigh

Illustration by Julie Reiters