We’re in South Africa, which you can tell by Brad’s cargo shorts. It’s time to meet his family! I honestly can’t wait. There’s the twin brother!And all the other ones! His mom is wearing leopard print, which means he’s going to pick Chantal. The Brad is weeping with love. He seriously cannot control himself. OMG BRAD’S TWIN BROTHER IS NAMED CHAD. THEY ARE NAMED BRAD AND CHAD. Their mother is a monster. Brad says that the two remaining women “know every single thing” about him, which means there is absolutely nothing to know.

The doorbell rings. It’s Chantel. She settles in with the Womacks. His little brother calls her “incredibly attractive,” which seems awkward to me. Chad is clearly the smart one. Isn’t that sad, when twins split the brain cells like that? His mother calls Chantel “precious.” Stamp of approval: given.

Now everyone changes clothes and pretends it’s the next day. Doorbell! It’s Emily. And here’s where my DVR starts to break. For a little while, all I can see is Emily making pout-y faces. Uh oh. Okay, and we’re back! She’s out on the deck with Chad and the chubby brother. The brothers are giving Brad the hard talk about being a father. My DVR hates Brad. (Why didn’t I watch it live, you ask? Because I was at Jane Eyre, which you should go see.) Brad recounts that his family thinks Emily is “the one.” Thank you, Brad, for being more reliably repetitive than Direct TV.

It’s date-time with Chantel. They’re on a boat, looking at sharks. Brad tells her that they’re going to swim with the sharks, and Chantel swears and looks miserable. Girl, I’m with you. She says, “You better be putting that f*ing ring on my finger, because you suck, otherwise.” I’m really starting to like her.

And into the shark tank they go. Brad seems to think that if he forces someone to do something, it means they’re enjoying it. Not so much. Their new thing is to call each other “baby.” How adorable. I think what Brad finds adorable is that Chantel’s boobs are so big that she is spilling out of her wetsuit.

That night, Brad visits Chantel is her hotel room, and tells her that it feels like he’s known her for five years, which I guess he thinks is a really long time. She gives him a present–it’s a map of all their dates. She has also written him a letter. She reads it over his shoulder. If he doesn’t pick her, she is going to go ape-shit.

Time for Emily’s date. More cargo shorts. Ever the smoothie, Brad takes Emily for yet another helicopter ride. They’re flying to the Cape of Good Hope, where they no doubt will have yet another picnic. The producers really need to step up their game. This is going to be interesting: the guy always picks the sluttier woman, which is clearly Chantel, but his family prefers Emily. What is a Brad to do? Emily’s hair is so blond and her teeth are so white. She says she’s really insecure. You think?

For their final date, Brad is wearing a t-shirt and Emily is wearing a dress the size of a napkin. Brad keeps shifting around on the couch, and looks completely awkward. God, they’re talking about him being an Actual Father to little Ricky. Emily asks him what that means. Good girl! If he doesn’t pick her, this is an extremely fucked up situation. She doesn’t want there to be any surprises, which, Brad, if you will allow me to translate, means, if you don’t pick her, you’re toast. He can’t look her in the eye, and is mopping his sweaty brow. The Brad is so thick that he cannot grasp this conversation. Emily thinks she messed it up, but she didn’t. Brad is a weirdo, and thinks that she has just rejected him, which in turn gives him the opportunity to reject her and choose the slutty one. Problem solved!

The jeweler comes to visit Brad, and comes bearing some giant diamonds. Neil Lane is very, very tan. Brad picks a ring, and then stares like a labrador at the beach. If only someone would throw a tennis ball off the balcony, and we could be rid of him forever.

The girls are both seen “journaling.” That’s how we know this is a serious situation. Place your final bets now. My money is on Emily, because I think he’s a giant baby and will listen to his mother.

It’s go time. Emily is wearing white and Chantel is wearing black. Subtle, guys. Hawks are circling overhead.

The first limo approaches. It’s Chantel, poor thing. I can’t believe how much he’s been leading her on for the last few dates. Ruh-roh. He tells her that he has stronger feeling for “someone else,” as if it’s a stewardess he just met on the plane over. She cries. He’s still talking. Still crying. He insists on wiping her tears with his knuckle. God, now he’s repeating the part about “having stronger feeling for somebody else.” I can’t believe she’s still standing there. Brad walks her out, which is his favorite hobby. He keeps asking if she’s alright. Jesus, Brad, don’t you get it by now? THEY ARE NEVER ALRIGHT. My husband says, in Brad’s voice, to Chantel, “This token is for a free drink at the Chuggin’ Monkey. Come see me if you’re ever in Austin. My brother drew the monkey.” And then she’s crying in the limo, and whisked out of his sight.

Emily’s limo arrives. Brad is chuckling to himself like a fool, and actually seems happy. Emily floats down the stairs. They hug. He tells her lots of bullshit. “Leap of faith,” “Changed man,” “The One,” etc. He asks her to “give him her forever.” Down on one knee. He asks. She says yes. Ring on finger. Oh, now SHE’S baby, I see how this goes. And so Ken finds his Barbie.

The end.

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Hallelujah, they just announced the 2nd season of Bachelor Pad. It turns out that all the rejects from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette get together at cheesy bars and make out with each other! I’m so surprised. This is a really long, extended commercial for Bachelor Pad, and I cannot wait. Ashley has dyed her hair brown-no doubt because she doesn’t want to be recognized; I wouldn’t either. The girl with the fangs has removed the pointy teeth. Everyone else looks perma-tanned, blow-dried, and otherwise sterlized.

Crazy Maria Menounos is back! And she’s crying! The word of the day is “honestly.” As in, honestly, you are f-ing crazy, Maria Menounos. As in, honestly, these nose-jobs are embarrassing. As in, if I use the word ‘honestly,’ doesn’t it make me sound like a really super-super smart person? Nice try, ladies. Maria Menounos is crying. “An ugly cry,” as she puts it. Chris Harrison gives her props for being funny, which she is not. She is a psychopath, but at least she has a personality. Chris Harrison does an impressive zip-your-lip whistle at some of the other women, and seriously ponders putting his arms around Michelle but then realizes that his wife would kill him, so he does no such thing. I love that she thinks that The Brad understands sarcasm. Hilarious. Do we really need to listen to what all these girls have to say? I’m starting to think of them all as The Brad’s actual ex-girlfriends, who just want to complain about the sticky floor at the Chuggin’ Monkey, and then go and cry in the bathroom. I want them to spend a whole hour talking to the funeral director.

You know what’s weird about The Bachelor? No one is allowed to have an off day, or a bad date, or be in a bad mood. These people are going to have a rude, rude awakening when they find themselves in an untelevised relationship. Ashley’s a brunette now, and is a Whole Different Woman. Oy. Ugh, now The Brad is back. He’s got a shit-eating grin, and I hate him. Wait! I think the Ken doll might be getting weepy, too! He thinks they are all exceptional women. If he doesn’t end up with Ricky Bobby, I will eat my flip-flop.

Now we get a video montage of The Brad at a pre-school in South Africa. ABC seems to have donated a water heater and a solar panel to the school, which is a nice thing to do. WHO IS GOING TO SEND ME ON SAFARI? I am serious, people. The Brad is happier than he’s ever been, and “she’s changed his life.” And he “falls more and more in love with this woman every day, buddy.” I want The Brad to run a cliche contest. He is a winner. And by “winner,” I mean, sweet Jesus, I can’t wait to be rid of this shmuck. Stay tuned for the finale next week, when either Chantel or Emily are forced to spend the rest of their lives pretending to find Brad amusing.

The post The Bachelor: The Women Tell More Than You Care to Hear appeared first on The Faster Times.

Okay, now we’re on an episode of Survivor, and there are shots of zebras and hippos! I love this. Who is going to take me on safari, damnit? I am very interested in seeing a rhinoceros. Oh, right, we’re talking about The Brad. He is afraid of being alone. Boo hoo.

Chantel is the first to arrive. She is wearing the time-honored Tiny Short. Chantel has already told Brad that she loves him, and could care less about the safari. Girlfriend just wants to get to the fantasy suite. They drive past a pride of tranquilized lions. These lions look so much like my cat it’s not even funny. They see a giraffe and decide “it’s gorgeous, in a weird way, you know what I mean?” They have a picnic next to a river with a hippo in it. God, they really spent a lot of time making Busch Gardens look awesome. They drink champagne and the hippo laughs at them. The Brad talks about taking Chantel home to meet his family. He describes himself as “getting fired up,” which seems to mean making a pump-it-up motion with his hands, once, and then going back to normal. I think The Brad is going to pick Chantel – I’m calling it now. She’s got the rich, tacky parents, she’s got the boobs, I think it’s in the bag. The card from Chris arrives with the key to the fantasy suite, and Chantel says, “I think I’m done with dinner.” They are going to do it in a treehouse all night long.

Next up: Emily. She’s wearing muck boots and a camp shirt and looks actually adorable. The Brad picks her up on an elephant. I want to ride an elephant. They’re having The Talk about him raising her daughter, which is so not going to happen. My husband, in The Brad’s voice, says, “You know what I’m thinking about? Boarding school kindergarten.” They have a picnic. Why are these people never allowed to sit on chairs? I would be so annoyed. Now it’s dark outside, which means it’s time for dinner. Emily is wearing sequins, which you have to respect. The Brad is nervous. Emily claims to be both “an open book” and “hard to read.” I guess she’s basically Finnegan’s Wake. She says “you know” a lot, which is very Joycean. Uh-oh! The fantasy suite card! She puts the key down on the table. Her teeth are so white that I’m pretty sure a lion is going to see them and run through the dark to maul her. Whoa! She says yes, but just to talk. The sad part is that I believe her. Emily tells The Brad that she’s falling in love with him, and he tells her that he’s falling in love with her, too. Whoa whoa whoa! The producers are going to be so pissed off. I think little Ricky could have a very boring little sibling in about nine and a half months.

Now it’s Ashley’s turn. The Brad calls her “infectious.” Sexy. I think the girls are having an unspoken contest for Shortest Shorts. Oh no, a helicopter! It has been a while. Ashley is freaking out, and The Brad says, “Do you know how many times I’ve flown in a helicopter?!” Hilarious. I feel like Ashley got the short end of the stick in terms of South Africa, I must say. It’s very beautiful, of course, but I really liked the safari. What a surprise, they’re having a picnic. The Brad asks about whether he can “allow herself to live while trying to achieve,” which means he’s asking her if she will stop being a stupid dentist and have his babies. Barf. WAIT A MINUTE. Please do yourself a favor and looks up Brad’s bars in Texas. This is all I have to say: one of them is call The Chuggin’ Monkey. Now it’s dinnertime. She’s wearing her dress shorts. You can tell they’re not that into each other because she’s actually eating. Ashley has one of those backwards-voices where everything she says? Sounds like a question? He needs to cut her from the team. Brad says, “We can’t build the future based on the fact that we an incredible carnival date.” So true, Brad, so true. This is getting awkward. She’s still eating, and The Brad is wicked bummed. Nevertheless, they’re headed to the fantasy suite. They kiss and then both realize how awkward it all is. African crickets chirp loudly in the background.

The rose ceremony is taking place on a platform next to a river. There are scary creatures hiding nearby, and 1 of these girls is going to have her leg eaten off. The Brad pulls Ashley aside for a talk. She is pissed. They’re having the break-up talk while sitting on an ottoman in South Africa. Oh, and they’re on television. He tells her that “he’s confident in the decision,” which means see you later, Ashley. Thankfully, he doesn’t make her go back to the other girls, and walks her straight to a waiting SUV. As always, Brad wants the girl being sent home to act chipper, and he’s mad that she seems hurt. Oy. What a dolt.

So it’s down to Chantel and Emily. He makes them accept the roses anyway, because “this is a two-way street,” which means, everything’s cool unless you actually have a job. Next time, they’ll both go home to meet Brad’s family in Capetown. I was really hoping they were going back to Austin, to throw back some shots at the Chuggin’ Monkey.

The post The Bachelor, Episode Nine: Hungry Hungry Hippos appeared first on The Faster Times.

First stop: Seattle! Chantel is excited to “take this relationship to the next level,” which these people say about as often as I say, “I wonder what to have for lunch.” Chantel lives four streets away from her parents, with her two cats and her dog. The Brad admits right away that his new wife (whichever lucky lady that might be) would have to move to Austin.

When they arrive at her apartment, Chantel’s tiny dog is wearing a sweatshirt, which is not a good look for either of them. They drink Corona on her leather couch. The Brad actually asked this question, while looking at Chantel’s three pets: “How many of these would be coming with you?”

Chantel’s parents live in a McMansion, and her mother has had a LOT of plastic surgery. You know what? So has her father, Wayne Newton. Ewww! What would you do if your mother had giant fake boobs? Their house has enormous fake columns and everything is a different shade of faux-finished taupe. I think her father has hair plugs, and he’s dressed like a twenty-year-old. Chantel actually seems surprisingly normal, given her parents.

Then Chantel’s father takes The Brad outside and shows him a giant bronze sculpture that “his friend introduced him to.” It’s a man carving himself out of stone. “The concept is self-made man,” Chantel’s father says. I literally cannot breathe I am laughing so hard. Then they bond over their history of brick-laying, or something. The Brad tells Chantel’s father that he is going to be a damn-good father. A damn-good father! He repeats it.

Chantel and her mother sit in the living room and cry. The Brad and Chantel’s father hang out in the wine cellar, and pronounce each other “great men.” That was fast. I think my money is on her, if only because The Brad wants to inherit that house someday.

Now we’re in Madawaska, Maine! Ashley is practically Canadian. Their first stop is at a restaurant where she worked as a teenager. “Isn’t that cute?” Ashley asks. The French-Canadian waitress brings over some poutine. Where’s my poutine? Ashley feeds The Brad a fry and says, “Oh, I can see your crown!” She’s a dentist, which I suppose is impressive, given that most of these women don’t have real jobs. I wonder if The Brad is threatened by that. Probably. I bet he wishes she was a personal trainer. Next stop, lobster shack! Farm stand with an honor system! I am moving there, I’m not joking.

Ashley’s family looks really normal, and she seems genuinely excited to see them. They all crowd together around a dining room table and eat some giant lobsters. Ashley’s dad is wearing a plaid shirt, and seems soft-spoken and kind. Oh, okay, it turns out Ashley is still in dental school. That makes sense, given that she’s 24 years old. I would rather hang out with Ashley’s father any day of the week. Ashley’s sister has lots of tattoos and a cool haircut and I want Brad to fall in love with her instead.

BEST PART OF THE SHOW: An actual commercial for Shawntel’s family’s funeral home. Incredible. I wonder if they’d make my book trailer. The Brad is now on his way to Chico, CA, where he is going to get freaked the fuck out. Obviously he goes straight to the funeral home to make out with her. She takes him on a tour of the mausoleum. She asks him whether he would like to be cremated, and then shows him where she would put his ashes. To the crematorium! The Brad is just walking around, shaking his head. To the prep room! “It fascinates me that you embalm people,” Brad says. I wonder what he thinks ‘fascinate’ means. She walks him through the process, and shows off her tools. Girl, there is a man out there for you, but this is not the one. “I don’t handle death well,” Brad says. You don’t say.

Shawntel’s family welcomes The Brad with open arms. They eat macaroni and cheese and drink wine and she has a younger sister named Destiny. The Brad is a total liar and tells us he can see being a part of their family. Then the hammer drops: Shawntel is supposed to take over the family business. Awk-ward! Dad, don’t worry: there is no chance in hell that Brad is going to propose to your daughter. I really wish that Shawntel was Claire Fisher, and Brad had to deal with Ruth and David and Nate and Rico and dead Lili Taylor right now. How is it that those people were so much more real than any of these wooden chucklefaces?

Welcome to Charlotte, home of the NASCAR Hall of Fame! Ricky Bobby (who I will now call Emily, which is her actual name) and her tiny clone of a daughter are hugging in the park, and lookee, here comes The Brad! Emily’s daughter, Ricky, has zero interest in talking to Brad. She’s very cute. Watching Brad try to talk to this little girl is really painful. He’s trying, and she is shutting him down like it’s her job. But then they start flying a kite, and Brad says he would relish the opportunity to be a father-figure to little Ricky. Maybe we shouldn’t bring up his Daddy-issues right now. Maybe that would be mean.

Emily’s house is much nicer than everyone else’s. It seems like she actually lives there, and has a modicum of good taste, though there are too many throw pillows. Brad tells Emily that he respects her too much to kiss her, and she is not having it. “I guess I’m just a weird guy, and that’s that,” Brad says, and for one of the first times all season, he and I agree. Girlfriend takes matters into her own hands and grabs him by the face. Finally. Wait, so he doesn’t meet her parents because she has a daughter? That’s kind of weird. It seems like an implication that she has an adult life that the others don’t, as if they’re all still virgins and live with their parents. I think he should have met Emily’s family. I’m surprised the producers didn’t make him meet the dead father’s parents. Let’s get real, ABC.

Back in New York, The Brad is staying at the Gansevoort Hotel. His buddy Chris Harrison comes to visit, and Chris reminds him that Ashley didn’t tell him that she loved him, which is obviously So Fucked Up. The women are all wearing prom dresses, and looking very uncomfortable. The Brad is now entering the phase of the Bachelor where he doesn’t want to send anyone home, and would rather have a harem. Oh wait, that was just inside his head. The first rose goes to Ashley. The second rose goes to Emily, who has the whitest teeth I’ve ever seen. The third and final rose goes to Chantel, who my eloquent husband describes as “Boobs.” Sorry, Shawntel, that means your time here is up. We all saw this coming as soon as she whipped out the scalpel and said the words “corotid artery,” did we not? She is never going to forgive her father for this. Honey, may I suggest the internet? There are so many guys who would want to lie on your table, if you know what I mean. It’s going to be a long limo ride back to Chico.

Next stop: South Africa! For no reason! Time for the fantasy suites. I can tell you right now who is going to give it up: Ashley and Chantel. Repeatedly.

The post The Bachelor, Episode Eight: Meet the Parents appeared first on The Faster Times.

Ricky Bobby gets the first date. A helicopter circles overhead. You do know that her husband died in a small plane crash, don’t you, Brad? These producers are so evil I can hardly stand it. The Brad and Ricky Bobby land their ‘copter on a tiny sand bar in the middle of the ocean. I’m guessing it has a bed and an endless supply of champagne. They sit on the beach and talk about how scared they are. Emily likes Vulnerable Brad, and then they kiss. Brad says “We’re losing the sun, and we’re gaining the moon.” This is poetry, people! Then they swim home, and get eaten by sharks. Fine, not really. Instead, they change their clothes, Ricky Bobby gets her hair braided, and then they wander down the beach to eat dinner. The Brad asks her if she will let him meet her daughter. Whose name is Ricky. Oy. Ricky Bobby is not giving in. The Brad “breaks the rules” and tells Ricky Bobby that he’s going to give her a rose and go to her hometown, so she’s going to have to put up or shut up. Then they make out in the water. It’s like watching Ken and Barbie come to life, and not in a good way.

Back at the Playboy Villa, the next date card arrives. It’s for Shawntel, the funeral director. Somehow, The Brad has made it back to the mainland. They hop on some cruiser bikes and find an impromptu steel drum concert. The jump rope and play dominoes with the natives! An old Anguillan woman offers them advice free-of-charge. The Brad kisses the old woman, because isn’t that what this show is about? Then The Brad and Shawntel wander around a corner and find some baby goats to nuzzle. Shawntel tells The Brad that she’s falling in love with him, and The Brad nods. Rough.

Over dinner, The Brad mentions his brother for the first time—have you people discovered this amazing fact, that The Brad is a twin? My secret hope is that the reason Brad has seemed so weird and slow this entire season is because he’s actually being played by BOTH TWINS. Please tell me that Brad is pulling a Reverse Winklevi right now. It’s raining in Anguilla. My helpful husband says, in Brad’s voice, “God is crying for our love.” Then, all of a sudden, an entire crowd joins them for a reggae concert. I bet Shawntel and The Brad both actually listen to reggae, don’t you think? Or at least some Dave Matthews, which they think is the same thing. Then they take off their clothes, show off their terrible tattoos, and go swimming. (Note on Shawntel’s tattoo: my husband says, “Is that the Aerosmith logo?”)

The next date goes to Britt, who has never gone on a one-on-one date before. She’s a food writer, which I’m pretty sure is too cool for Brad. They swim out to a yacht, which seems like an awfully long swim. If it were me, I would need a snack and a nap. Instead, they climb up the side of a cliff and jump off. This seems like a really good way to crack your head open. To her credit, Britt says “Holy crap” and looks genuinely terrified. Britt seems very young, and Brad has no interest in making out. Cut from the team! Sorry, Cookie. Here’s what I’m missing on television by watching their awkward dinner conversation: The Westminster Dog Show! Alas. The Brad decides to cut Britt loose straight from the yacht, and lowers her into a dinghy. At least he didn’t make her swim.

The group date goes to Crazy Maria Menounos, Ashley, and Chantel. Brad wakes them up at 2am, breaking into their house like a crazy person. Photo shoot! The ladies are going to be in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue! This would be my worst nightmare. Crazy Maria looks psyched, and Chantel (the only normal human being left) says she feels like “a fat lard.” Ashley ditches her bikini top and poses with shells in front of her boobs. Chantel take it off even faster, arches her back, and rolls around in the sand. Crazy Maria drags The Brad into the surf and make out with him as the camera snaps snaps snaps away. Crazy like a fox. The Brad now feels like a douchebag, and now “doesn’t know what to expect at the pool party.” Ashley is drinking a giant glass of what looks like ectoplasm. Spiked Mountain Dew, maybe? In turn, each of the ladies pull The Brad aside and complain about Crazy Maria. The Brad wonders if he and Crazy Maria are too much alike. Um, Brad? She’s a lunatic and you’re a block of wood. You have nothing in common except that you both spend too much time at the gym.

The Brad gives a rose to Ashley, and then offers Chantel and Crazy Maria a drink. Nice one. They are pissed. Chantel is my favorite by a mile, because she seems to recognize how weird this whole thing is. If he doesn’t send Crazy Maria home, I am going on strike. Okay, no, because then we would get to meet Crazy Maria’s family, and that sounds a little exciting.

Going into the rose ceremony, Ashley already has a rose, and he’s promised one to Ricky Bobby, which leaves two to go. When Chris Harrison surprises The Brad before the cocktail party, he is staring at framed photos of all the women, and he looks like a serial murderer. Okay, Brad is secure in his decision and decides to skip the cocktail party.

Ooh, the rose ceremony is on a deserted beach! Whoever doesn’t get a rose is going to get thrown to the sharks. Ricky Bobby gets a rose. Shawntel gets a rose. Chantel gets a rose! Crazy Maria, I’m going to miss you. Brad, I’d make sure all your doors are locked extra tight tonight. To her credit, she won’t let him near her as they walk back to the limo. Good move, Brad. We’ve seen the flip side of this kind of choice, and her name is Vienna.

Next week: hometown dates! Will he meet Baby Ricky or no? What will he think about Shawntel’s embalming tools?

The post The Bachelor, Episode Seven: Thrilla in Anguilla appeared first on The Faster Times.

The first date goes to Chantel. They hop in a helicopter, which is the preferred mode of transportation for most Costa Ricans, I’m sure. Hooray, they’re going on the longest zipline in the world! The second most preferred mode of transportation for Costa Ricans. Since they are in the rainforest, it should not surprise The Brad and Chantel that it’s raining, and yet, they are. They zip, and then zip some more. This is really thrilling television.

For dinner, The Brad and Chantel have a picnic in the dark, complete with stemware and tiki torches. Surprise, it’s raining again! They bring their wine and ditch the “local fare” that Brad clearly found repulsive to begin with, and was delighted to leave behind. They head back to The Brad’s hotel room, conveniently located nearby. Hmm. Chantel takes her dress off and puts on one of The Brad’s button down shirts. He’s still wearing his cargo shorts, which makes her three times better dressed than he is. They make out, and then nuzzle noses. Chantel would have sex with you, Brad. Just in case you were wondering.

Time for the group date, also known as Crazy Maria Menounos’ Torture Device. The girls all suit up in harnesses and helmets, because The Brad is kinky, as we know. They’re going to repel down a waterfall, as if that’s a thing people do. Crazy Maria is pissed being they repelled together on their last date, and swore they’d never do it with anyone else. The Brad is totally worried that she’s going to throw him over the side of the waterfall. Oh, no, The Brad saved her for last, and they’re going to repel together. How romantic.

And now it’s time for bikinis. Crazy Maria reports that seeing Brad without his shirt on “makes you wanna go home and f**k.” One can only imagine what she actually said. They’re all in the natural hot springs, and the fake boobs are on display. Ricky Bobby reports that she is starting to like Brad. These girls are all swimming with lots of eye-liner and mascara, and now they all look like raccoons after a bar fight, which makes me like them more. Then Ricky Bobby and Brad make out in the lagoon, and we get a nice shot of Brad’s back tattoo.

Finally, the bugs arrive! This is the plague we’ve been waiting for. You are in the JUNGLE, ladies. Did you really think there wouldn’t be bugs? There are some high-level freak-outs. In the lagoon, it’s Crazy Maria’s turn for the make-out session. Oh shit! The Brad is not giving out a rose on the group date, and he leaves the ladies all sitting in the lagoon together, where they are going to start planning to drown each other in t-minus five minutes.

The Brad picks up Allie (whose name I have never heard before) on a donkey, the third most popular mode of transportation in Costa Rica. They seem to have brought a small foal along, perhaps in case they get lost and need a snack. Oh, I’m kidding! I need to entertain myself! The Brad and Allie are going on their date in a 40 million-year-old cave. Do you think they’ve seen The Descent? I doubt it. Allie says that she is scared of “poisonous jungle bugs.” If I were her, I would be afraid of being forced to spend the rest of my life with Brad. There are bats in the cave, and Allie is less than thrilled. How are you going to get her in her bathing-suit, Romeo? Oh, Jesus, they’re having a picnic inside the cave.

For dinner, The Brad and Allie are having dinner on the surface of a pool, which seems steamy and kind of weird. Brad complains they’re having small talk. The conversation does seem particularly bad. Topics: which cities are too big, whether or not they’ve been to Africa. The Brad decides not to give Allie the rose, which means she has to pack her knives and go. After she leaves, weeping, The Brad is alone. There’s a knock on the door. It’s Crazy Maria! Side note: Crazy Maria has just copied Ricky Bobby’s side-braid. She is a terrifying human being, and The Brad is fearful for his life, but he lets her make out with him anyway. Crazy Maria does not seem to realize that while Brad wants a woman to hit him, he does not want a woman to tell him what to do, at least not until they’re doing it.

At the cocktail party, The Brad is all business. He takes Ricky Bobby for a swing in a hammock. He’s wearing a banker’s tie, which looks extra-natural with the woven rope. Nice, Brad. Then he pulls Crazy Maria aside and tells her that she’s scaring him. Ooh, honesty! Where is this coming from? She tells him that she knows she needs to be there, and then cries. Shawntel decides to play “the silent game” with Brad, where they can “do anything but talk. They stare at each awkwardly for fifteen seconds before sucking on each other’s faces. Listen, sweetie, he’s made of wood. It’s really not that hard for him to keep his mouth shut. Ugh, Chantel just told The Brad that she loved him. I have nothing to say about this. They seem like they deserve each other. I say it’s down to Chantel and Ricky Bobby in the end.

The rose ceremony is more dramatic as ever. Only one woman is going to be sent home. As far as I can tell, he didn’t talk to the blonde once this week, so it’s either her or Crazy Maria. He keeps Ashley. He keeps Ricky Bobby. He keeps Britt, the blonde! He keeps Shawntel. He keeps Crazy Maria! Poor Jackie and her nice, big nose have to go home. Bummer! I was really pulling for this episode to have a little sanity, but what did I expect?

Next stop on the love train: Anguilla. Steel drums! Oy.

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The ladies are staying at a hotel that looks straight out of that Ethan Hawke vampire movie. It this isn’t post-vampire apocalypse, I don’t know what is. The Brad welcomes the ladies to the hotel, and brings them to their suite. Just in case his current career path (man-whore) doesn’t pan out, The Brad could make a perfectly mediocre bellhop.

The first date is with Shawntel. The Brad’s date card reads ‘Let’s end tonight with a Bang.’ Subtle. The Brad is dressed like a cheap caterer, which makes me miss ‘Party Down.’ The Caterer is taking Shawntel on a shopping spree, which both makes me think he’s treating her like a whore and also makes me really jealous. Where’s the part of the shopping spree where something fits her badly and she cries in the dressing room? Clearly they’re doing something wrong. Both The Brad and Shawntel complain of feeling “natural,” which means they want to see each other in their underwear. When Shawntel gets back to the suite, one of the Ashleys says, “It’s that perfect ‘Pretty Woman’ moment that every girl dreams about.” Precisely.

That night, The Brad shows up in a suit, and Shawntel is wearing her new outfit. They go up to the roof of the mall, which is where they’re going to eat dinner. Shawntel wants to use this as an opportunity to talk about her career as a funeral director and an embalmer. Might want to wait until after you eat, dear. Oh no, he’s making her explain embalming. Some of the words she’s using: orifices, leakage, incision, vein-drain. Don’t worry about it, Brad, because if you marry her, she’ll never embalm a body ever again. He tells her that she’s the “hottest funeral director he’s ever met.” Clearly he’s forgetting Nate Fisher. And now there are fireworks, and The Brad picks her up, for no reason, and holds her like a baby. Sexy.

The group date card arrives. The ladies are headed to a Nascar racetrack. These producers are EVIL. Ricky Bobby is going to lose it, and the rest of the girls are oblivious. EVIL! The ladies suit up and get strapped into their cars, and off they go. Finally, Jackie, the one with the nose, expresses some empathy. The Brad notices that Ricky Bobby is uncomfortable, and pulls her aside. Okay, her name is Emily, and she is handling this really badly. It’s okay to make The Brad feel like an asshole, Emily! Jesus Christ, Brad, don’t ask her to get in one of those cars! I hate all these people. Why does she insist on telling him that she’s excited to do this? Oh, Emily, you are taking all the fun out of this.

After the track, everyone heads over to—gasp—a rooftop pool. The Brad wants to talk to Emily again, and the ladies are pissed. Amazingly, The Brad seems to notice that Emily is locked up like a steel trap, and is trying to loosen her up. Sorry, Brad, that racecar has sailed. At the party, all the other girls cry when The Brad pulls them aside. I bet he’s starting to wish that he left more of them on the tarmac in LA. Crazy Maria Menounos pulls him aside and wants to show him what’s in her bikini top, because that’s just what you wear when you’re hanging out with eight of your friends.

Time for the dreaded two-on-one date. In order to make things easier on his limited vocabulary, The Brad is taking the two Ashleys on the date. The happy trio heads to the Elvis Cirque de Soleil show. One of the Ashleys says that her biggest obstacle is herself. She is clearly going home, because she is less slutty than the other one. Oh, what a surprise! One of the Ashleys is going to perform with Brad in the show tonight. It’s amazing how wooden The Brad can look while harnessed and floating through the air, but what can you do, the guy has a real natural talent.

The two-on-one dinner is always my favorite. The Brad can barely look at either one of them. Is he going to wait until they’ve eaten, or does one of them have to take her food to go? The Brad gives the rose to Ashley. Which one? The slutty one, obviously. They do their shtick at the Cirque de Soleil while the other one cries in the limo. I love reality TV editors.

Time to call the therapist! Uh oh, now he’s also called Brad’s “life coach.” This is a slippery slope, Brad—haven’t you seen the Metallica documentary? No, of course you haven’t. The therapist just used the word ‘journey’ three times in one sentence. I wonder which venerable institution provided his education.

The energy at the cocktail party is at an all-time low. The Brad says that he doesn’t need drama in his life. How many cases of champagne do they go through in a week? I’m guessing five or six. I wonder if it’s good champagne. Probably not. Crazy Maria Menounos is trying to hypnotize Brad, and tells him he isn’t allowed to talk. He is checking for the exits over her head as they make out. She thinks she’s going to leave with a ring on her finger. I think handcuffs are more likely.

The Brad decides it’s time to send home the girl who just passed him some love notes, which means the moral of the week is: don’t try to be cute. The Brad is not messing around. You should all know by now that The Brad likes to be bossed around, and is not interested in being someone’s sweetheart.

Chris Harrison calls this the “most controversial season ever.” I really wish I was watching the show that he’s watching.

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Chantal (NOT Shawntel) gets the first one-on-one date. When The Brad picks her up, Maria Menounos shows off her black eye, and The Brad does everything he can not to run out of the room. What’s that sound? Oh, it’s a helicopter, coming to pick up The Brad nad Chantel for their date. This marks the first appearance of a helicopter, but certainly not the last. As loyal viewers know, helicopters are The Bachelor’s preferred mode of transportation—it makes it much easier to get to all those pesky rooftop pools. They land on Catalina Island, where all of a sudden they’re wearing matching leather jackets. The Brad has a surprise: they’re going to “walk on the ocean floor,” which I’m guessing means he’s going to murder her and throw her body over the side of the boat, like on Dexter. Chantel wisely responds, “That’s a huge thing, to ask me to get in the ocean. I don’t just do that.” Wise words, Chantel. She seems more anxious about her mascara that being murdered though, and in they go, wearing space helmets. This reminds me of The Abyss, do you remember that movie? God, I wish I was watching that instead. Young Ed Harris! Such good stuff. Anyway, so these two aliens are now walking on the ocean floor, about fifteen feet underneath the marina. She’s looking forward to being Chantal Womack. That night, they relax on a bed on the beach, complete with sheets, which strikes me as a very bad, sandy idea. Ah, now I understand why The Brad likes this girl! She’s the one who slapped him as soon as she got out of the limo. It all makes sense now. Now they’re doing some weird, Bachelor-sanctioned S & M role-playing, and I feel like I have to take a shower.

Back at the Playboy Mansion, the next date card arrives. Maria Menounos clearly punched herself in the face, and complains of heartburn. What are they feeding these girls? Why don’t we ever see them eating? Maybe they’re all going crazy because they’re starving to death. Somehow, that doesn’t seem at all far-fetched. The group date takes the ladies to the radio station for a recording of Love Line with Dr. Drew. The Brad is really looking forward to showing off his therapy skills, and flexes his knowledge with the words “safe space.” Nice one, Brad. Some of the girls are nervous because Dr. Drew is “so reputable.” The good doctor’s first question is if any of the girls have cheated on their boyfriends—whoever raises their hand is clearly out. Sorry, Stacy. The Brad is looking for someone without walls. He should start looking at some loft spaces in Dumbo. One of the blondes I’ve never seen before is anxious that he doesn’t know her, and she should be. There is no way he knows what her name is. I think The Brad would be happiest living in a group home, with hourly therapy sessions.

After the date, they all go back to The Brad Cave, and are in their bikinis. A cute redhead still has her clothes on, and instantly becomes my favorite. There are a lot of silicone boobs on this show. All the girls want to talk to The Brad, and they take turns pretending to be sorry stealing him away from everyone else. Is this the episode where the girls rip The Brad to pieces like a pack of hyenas? Oh, I hope so. One of the Ashleys is getting too drunk in the hot tub, and it’s starting to feel like a skinny episode of The Jersey Shore. She’s now hovering nearby as he makes out with someone else. Not a good look, Ashley. Once she goes through puberty, this is going to be even worse for her. (Side note: The Brad’s Jacuzzi sounds like a didgeridoo.) The Brad gives the rose to the girl who told her she felt intimidated by him.

Crazy Maria Menounos gets the next one-on-one. Poor Brad. She’s already upset because he didn’t use the word ‘love’ in his invitation. This crazy train is going to jump the tracks today, and I for one am looking forward to it. Her black eye seems to have cleared up completely, which is like no black eye I’ve ever seen. Whenever Crazy Maria talks to the other girls, they start playing rabbit-killing music. Right now, The Brad has about fifteen sulking girlfriends, and I feel sorry for him. Girls like this are really terrifying, and I worry for his safety. Of course, the fact that he’s made out of wood should help, unless she sets him on fire.

Oh, what a surprise, another helicopter. They fly into downtown LA, and land on a roof. Again, I’m shocked. Crazy Maria is afraid of heights, and they’re going to repel down the side of the building. I think Crazy Maria’s fear of heights is probably only second to her fear of not having a blow-dryer. Now they’re making out on the side of the building. ABC, we did not need those helmet-cams. (Side note: what is the budget for cheap champagne on this show?) After dinner, The Brad wants to talk about Crazy Maria’s daughter. Then they get back in the pool and she clutches his traps while shoving her tongue down his throat. Sexy!

Time for another session with the therapist. He tells The Brad to make out with everyone, which I’m pretty sure he was already doing.

At the cocktail party, The Brad wants to talk to all the girls he didn’t date this week. One of the girls make the joke that The Brad should send home everybody but Ricky Bobby, because he got her a present. Not a bad idea. Turns out the present is a thin blanket on the stone patio, and she has to sit on it. Nice, Brad. Some of the other girls are starting to realize that they not marry Brad. I can see how devastating that must be. The Brad keeps Jackie, the one with the schnoz, who we haven’t seen at all this episode. He keeps Ricky Bobby, and lots of other women who you still don’t care about.

The final rose of the night goes to crazy Ashley instead of the actually extremely foxy redhead. Brad, if I’m going to stick it out with you for this entire season, you’re going to have t start listening to me. One girl being sent home says “Maybe I’m not as cool as I think I am.” While that’s probably true, dear girl, I don’t think it’s because The Brad doesn’t want to marry you.

On the next episode, The Brad makes Ricky Bobby go to the racetrack. Smooooooooth. Can’t wait.

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Ashley #1 has the first date of the episode. She tells the camera that she really wants The Brad to kiss her. Um, Ashley? I think it’s in the bag. Ashley and The Brad hop in the convertible and drive over to Capitol Records. He says, “On this date, we are going to do something that I consider a tortuous event.” Sounds promising. It turns out they’re going to record a song, which is my worst nightmare, and Ashley’s, too. They’re recording Seal’s ‘A Kiss from a Rose,’ which reminds Ashley of her dead father. OMG they are the worst singers I’ve ever heard, which is saying something, because I’ve heard myself. The recording engineer is literally holding his head in his hands. He calls them “dreadful.” Somebody, please, get this guy his own show. There is more pathos in watching the engineer suffer than in the entire rest of the episode.

The Brad has a surprise. Oh, look, it’s Seal. I’m so shocked. Mr. Klum sings his song, which doesn’t make any more sense now than it did when it was on the Batman soundtrack. Ashley is crying. Mr. Klum sings another song, and then they mercifully let him go home. Ashley tells The Brad about her father’s death, which I won’t make fun of, and The Brad nods at her in his best Ken Doll way. He gives her a rose, and the Seal song starts playing in the background. Subtle, guys. Then they make out on the roof.

Back at the Playboy Mansion, the girls are all sitting around in their exercise clothes. I wonder if they’re shooting a workout video. Who are these people? (“All these busted-ass skeezas,” my husband helpfully adds.) On the group date, the girls are still all wearing lycra jumpsuits. Maria Menounos is pissed at having to hang out with the other girls. She does not want to share The Brad. Oh no, now The Brad is getting attacked by a crew of stuntmen. They’re filming an action movie, how exciting. Fake fighting-class! One girl acknowledges that pit-stains are not cute. These girls really are geniuses. Maria Menounos wants to fake ninjas to kidnap the other girls and “haul them off into the desert.” Okay, finally, The Brad is tied up and shirtless, just the way he likes it, and the funeral director gets to make out with him. Maria Menounos says that when she makes out with The Brad, it’s going to be sexy, sensual, and slithering. Good luck with that.

After the date, they all end up—you’re not going to believe this—on a roof with a pool. They all jump in the water and drink champagne. Uh oh, another girl is telling The Brad about her absentee father. I’m sure he already has an erection. And now they’re making out in their bathing-suits. Maria Menounos is one step away from killing somebody’s pet rabbit. I would be terrified to sleep in the same house with her. Then The Brad and Maria make out on the roof. Switch it up, dude! He gives the rose to the funeral director, obviously, because she was the only one who tied him up this week.

Ricky Bobby has the next one-on-one date, and is nervous. One of the other women describes Ricky Bobby a playboy bunny with the soul of Mother Theresa. The Brad doesn’t deserve this woman even a little bit. I hope she shuts him down. Uh oh, he’s taking her on a tiny airplane. Bad move, Brad. They fly to a vineyard, and have a picnic. Ricky Bobby really needs to tell The Brad about her dead husband, this is just weird. When he asks her about herself, she says “when I’m tired, I get grumpy.” She is like the Fort Knox of dead husbands. This is getting awkward. Okay, finally she’s giving in. The Brad’s head is going to explode, and he doesn’t even know about her baby yet. The Brad literally just said, “Oh, wait, wait.” That is the sound of his brain moving. She tells him about her daughter, and then he gives her the rose. She kisses him, and her magic lips of honesty make The Brad feel like he could spend the rest of his life with her. Oh, jeez.

Ooh, we’re at The Brad Cave for a session with his therapist. They’re working on “how to let go.” The therapist tells The Brad that he’s not letting the women show him who they are. You think? A lightbulb is going off over The Brad’s head—he’s supposed to listen to these girls! This is revolutionary.

The cocktail party is underway, and The Brad doesn’t have very much time if he’s going to actually listen to all of them. This is going to be a loooooooooooong cockatil party. Maria Menounos and the boiled rabbit that is clearly just off-screen are hovering nearby, creeping everyone out. She finally corners him, and The Brad admits to kissing both Chantel and Shawntel. That rabbit is a goner.

Hey look, it’s the Vampire! We haven’t seen her in a while. She’s popping out her fangs! Now the Vampire is just a regular model. The Brad totally wants her to leave, but won’t say so. The Vampire is only thinking about Ricky Bobby, and is only fourteen years old, after all. We’ll see how this shakes out.

A funny thing happened this week on the Bachelor: it’s starting to dawn on The Brad that these are actual human beings. The Rose Ceremony is going to be even more teary than usual. He’s keeping Maria Menounos, because he hates himself. He’s keeping Chantel. The Vampire walks out, removing herself from the competition. The Brad loves to wipe away tears. I would be so, so annoyed if someone did that to me. The Brad is keeping someone named Lisa, who is orange and I swear I’ve never seen her before. He’s keeping Jackie, who I remember because she has a big nose, which I like. He’s keeping Ashley, and he’s keeping Marissa, who has terrible eyebrows. Then he keeps a whole bunch more of girls I’ve never seen before. He’s sending home two blondes, and no one cares. The Brad forgets about the girls he’s sent home before the limo even drives away.

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Brad has chosen to take one of the Ashleys out on his first one-on-one date. She, wisely, decides to wear a trashy prom dress. They drive down a dark road, and Ashley is scared, even before Brad makes her get out and walk. This is where The Bachelor turns out to be a creepy horror movie—Brad has Ashley flip a switch, and it turns out they’re in an empty, rinky-dink amusement park! If that isn’t terrifying, I don’t know what is. On the other hand, this girl thinks she’s dressed like a princess, when anyone can see she’s dressed like a slutty teenager, so it’s possible that we don’t share the same sensibilities.

Back at the house, the girls are in their bathing-suits, because that’s how you sit around with your frenemies. The second date card has arrived. It’s for fifteen girls, and they’re all pissed.

At the carnival, Brad and Ashley pose for each other in a makeshift photobooth and then make out awkwardly. They ask each other questions: “What makes you you?” Ashley says that she is prepared for the worst, due to her absentee, drug addict, homeless father. This makes Brad, very, very nervous. It turns out that Brad’s father was also an absentee drug addict! Ashley thinks this makes it sound like Brad is going to be a great husband, but Brad knows better. He gives her the rose, they kiss, and then he rubs her lipstick off his face. Brad says that all of his walls have come tumbling down, which means he never had any walls in the first place—maybe a speed bump?

The next morning, the girls are getting ready for the date. The one who looks like Maria Menounos is turning thirty, and extra mad about having to share The Brad. Everyone recognizes that this is a pivotal day for love. The fake boobs are on display like never before. The date is a benefit for the Red Cross, which is very hard to make fun of, and so I won’t. It would probably be easier for these girls to donate silicone, but hey, blood works too. The girls and The Brad are filming PSAs, which means that The Brad gets to change his clothes a lot. One of them is supposed to be butch, and has two fake casts and a neck-brace. For some reason, this makes her very sad, whereas the Vampire is wearing black rubber from head-to-toe and seems happy as a clam. Brad is playing Gustavo, who has a mustache. This is how you can tell the difference between them. Otherwise, the similarities are astonishing. Gustavo would make out with a wooden post. The only girl who shows any talent whatsoever is the one in the neck-brace. One girl, a self-described ‘Big Ol’ Prude,’ straddles The Brad at the first opportunity.

After the shoot, the girls and The Brad go to a rooftop bar. The Brad wants the night to be drama-free, which is hilarious. Maria Menounos is still so mad that her birthday is ruined, and wants to both “dissect” The Brad and “heal all the layers.” This is going nowhere good.

Back at the Playboy Mansion, the next date card arrives. It’s another one-on-one, this time for Jackie, who I have never seen before. She quacks with delight.

The Brad gives the rose to Maria Menounos, which is clearly a pity gift.

On Jackie’s date, The Brad takes her to Beverly Hills, where he promises to make her feel like ‘Pretty Woman.’ I’m pretty sure he’s already doing that. They go to a spa and start covering each other in mud. Rinsed off, The Brad leads her into a hotel room filled with hideous evening gowns. She’s thrilled. Once she’s all decked out, Brad covers her in borrowed diamonds. If she doesn’t put out, I will give everyone reading this one million dollars. It turns out that The Brad has rented out the Hollywood Bowl for the night, rather, that ABC has offered the Hollywood Bowl some free advertising. Jackie has only slept with two men, which concerns The Brad. He is punishing her by making her go to a private Train concert. Jackie is over-dressed, under-whelmed, and I’m starting to feel bad for her.

The Brad feels a lot more comfortable at tonight’s cocktail party. Maria Menounos asks him an important question: does he prefer Starbucks or the Coffee Bean? This could be a deal breaker, folks. Ricky Bobby does not find this amusing. The girls are all freaking out, taking turns calling each other psycho. One girl tells another that she is “like a toxic disease on this…journey.” I couldn’t agree more. I think they need to start pumping Xanax into the house instead of cheap champagne. Two girls are crying, but never fear, Ali and Roberto are here! Ali has a good haircut and Roberto has a bad one, that’s how you can tell them apart. With their help, The Brad gives an early rose to Ricky Bobby, a solid choice, though he doesn’t nearly deserve her attention.

This week’s Rose Ceremony is a blur of unfamiliar, overly bronzed faces. In the end, The Brad keeps everyone except for the two girls in the ‘toxic disease’ miasma, and one wearing a headband. Headband thinks that love might be in the cards for her, and called The Bachelor a “last-ditch effort,” despite the fact that she is twenty-five. Oh, Headband.

Next up: Seal! I hope that Heidi Klum helps out at the next Rose Ceremony. She could really lend some much-needed cruelty to the situation.

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