The Bachelor Finale: Poppin’ the Question

So it’s down to Chantel and Emily. Though I think the best final challenge would be a drinking contest at the Chuggin’ Monkey, The Brad seems like he’s going to go through with all this helicopter-and-limo business.

We’re in South Africa, which you can tell by Brad’s cargo shorts. It’s time to meet his family! I honestly can’t wait. There’s the twin brother!And all the other ones! His mom is wearing leopard print, which means he’s going to pick Chantal. The Brad is weeping with love. He seriously cannot control himself. OMG BRAD’S TWIN BROTHER IS NAMED CHAD. THEY ARE NAMED BRAD AND CHAD. Their mother is a monster. Brad says that the two remaining women “know every single thing” about him, which means there is absolutely nothing to know.

The doorbell rings. It’s Chantel. She settles in with the Womacks. His little brother calls her “incredibly attractive,” which seems awkward to me. Chad is clearly the smart one. Isn’t that sad, when twins split the brain cells like that? His mother calls Chantel “precious.” Stamp of approval: given.

Now everyone changes clothes and pretends it’s the next day. Doorbell! It’s Emily. And here’s where my DVR starts to break. For a little while, all I can see is Emily making pout-y faces. Uh oh. Okay, and we’re back! She’s out on the deck with Chad and the chubby brother. The brothers are giving Brad the hard talk about being a father. My DVR hates Brad. (Why didn’t I watch it live, you ask? Because I was at Jane Eyre, which you should go see.) Brad recounts that his family thinks Emily is “the one.” Thank you, Brad, for being more reliably repetitive than Direct TV.

It’s date-time with Chantel. They’re on a boat, looking at sharks. Brad tells her that they’re going to swim with the sharks, and Chantel swears and looks miserable. Girl, I’m with you. She says, “You better be putting that f*ing ring on my finger, because you suck, otherwise.” I’m really starting to like her.

And into the shark tank they go. Brad seems to think that if he forces someone to do something, it means they’re enjoying it. Not so much. Their new thing is to call each other “baby.” How adorable. I think what Brad finds adorable is that Chantel’s boobs are so big that she is spilling out of her wetsuit.

That night, Brad visits Chantel is her hotel room, and tells her that it feels like he’s known her for five years, which I guess he thinks is a really long time. She gives him a present–it’s a map of all their dates. She has also written him a letter. She reads it over his shoulder. If he doesn’t pick her, she is going to go ape-shit.

Time for Emily’s date. More cargo shorts. Ever the smoothie, Brad takes Emily for yet another helicopter ride. They’re flying to the Cape of Good Hope, where they no doubt will have yet another picnic. The producers really need to step up their game. This is going to be interesting: the guy always picks the sluttier woman, which is clearly Chantel, but his family prefers Emily. What is a Brad to do? Emily’s hair is so blond and her teeth are so white. She says she’s really insecure. You think?

For their final date, Brad is wearing a t-shirt and Emily is wearing a dress the size of a napkin. Brad keeps shifting around on the couch, and looks completely awkward. God, they’re talking about him being an Actual Father to little Ricky. Emily asks him what that means. Good girl! If he doesn’t pick her, this is an extremely fucked up situation. She doesn’t want there to be any surprises, which, Brad, if you will allow me to translate, means, if you don’t pick her, you’re toast. He can’t look her in the eye, and is mopping his sweaty brow. The Brad is so thick that he cannot grasp this conversation. Emily thinks she messed it up, but she didn’t. Brad is a weirdo, and thinks that she has just rejected him, which in turn gives him the opportunity to reject her and choose the slutty one. Problem solved!

The jeweler comes to visit Brad, and comes bearing some giant diamonds. Neil Lane is very, very tan. Brad picks a ring, and then stares like a labrador at the beach. If only someone would throw a tennis ball off the balcony, and we could be rid of him forever.

The girls are both seen “journaling.” That’s how we know this is a serious situation. Place your final bets now. My money is on Emily, because I think he’s a giant baby and will listen to his mother.

It’s go time. Emily is wearing white and Chantel is wearing black. Subtle, guys. Hawks are circling overhead.

The first limo approaches. It’s Chantel, poor thing. I can’t believe how much he’s been leading her on for the last few dates. Ruh-roh. He tells her that he has stronger feeling for “someone else,” as if it’s a stewardess he just met on the plane over. She cries. He’s still talking. Still crying. He insists on wiping her tears with his knuckle. God, now he’s repeating the part about “having stronger feeling for somebody else.” I can’t believe she’s still standing there. Brad walks her out, which is his favorite hobby. He keeps asking if she’s alright. Jesus, Brad, don’t you get it by now? THEY ARE NEVER ALRIGHT. My husband says, in Brad’s voice, to Chantel, “This token is for a free drink at the Chuggin’ Monkey. Come see me if you’re ever in Austin. My brother drew the monkey.” And then she’s crying in the limo, and whisked out of his sight.

Emily’s limo arrives. Brad is chuckling to himself like a fool, and actually seems happy. Emily floats down the stairs. They hug. He tells her lots of bullshit. “Leap of faith,” “Changed man,” “The One,” etc. He asks her to “give him her forever.” Down on one knee. He asks. She says yes. Ring on finger. Oh, now SHE’S baby, I see how this goes. And so Ken finds his Barbie.

The end.

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