The Bachelor: The Women Tell More Than You Care to Hear

Chris Harrison has a new hairdo, everybody. It’s more spiky than swoopy, more perky than pouty. Way to go, Chris, even though you are not nine-years-old, therefore making this haircut totally inappropriate. Then Chris walks The Brad through all the highlights of the season: The carnival date! Shawntel’s funeral parlor instruments! Oy, these are the highlights? Brad tells Chris that “he is a man that can be blindsided by beauty.” Also, bikinis, breast implants, and two-syllable words.

Hallelujah, they just announced the 2nd season of Bachelor Pad. It turns out that all the rejects from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette get together at cheesy bars and make out with each other! I’m so surprised. This is a really long, extended commercial for Bachelor Pad, and I cannot wait. Ashley has dyed her hair brown-no doubt because she doesn’t want to be recognized; I wouldn’t either. The girl with the fangs has removed the pointy teeth. Everyone else looks perma-tanned, blow-dried, and otherwise sterlized.

Crazy Maria Menounos is back! And she’s crying! The word of the day is “honestly.” As in, honestly, you are f-ing crazy, Maria Menounos. As in, honestly, these nose-jobs are embarrassing. As in, if I use the word ‘honestly,’ doesn’t it make me sound like a really super-super smart person? Nice try, ladies. Maria Menounos is crying. “An ugly cry,” as she puts it. Chris Harrison gives her props for being funny, which she is not. She is a psychopath, but at least she has a personality. Chris Harrison does an impressive zip-your-lip whistle at some of the other women, and seriously ponders putting his arms around Michelle but then realizes that his wife would kill him, so he does no such thing. I love that she thinks that The Brad understands sarcasm. Hilarious. Do we really need to listen to what all these girls have to say? I’m starting to think of them all as The Brad’s actual ex-girlfriends, who just want to complain about the sticky floor at the Chuggin’ Monkey, and then go and cry in the bathroom. I want them to spend a whole hour talking to the funeral director.

You know what’s weird about The Bachelor? No one is allowed to have an off day, or a bad date, or be in a bad mood. These people are going to have a rude, rude awakening when they find themselves in an untelevised relationship. Ashley’s a brunette now, and is a Whole Different Woman. Oy. Ugh, now The Brad is back. He’s got a shit-eating grin, and I hate him. Wait! I think the Ken doll might be getting weepy, too! He thinks they are all exceptional women. If he doesn’t end up with Ricky Bobby, I will eat my flip-flop.

Now we get a video montage of The Brad at a pre-school in South Africa. ABC seems to have donated a water heater and a solar panel to the school, which is a nice thing to do. WHO IS GOING TO SEND ME ON SAFARI? I am serious, people. The Brad is happier than he’s ever been, and “she’s changed his life.” And he “falls more and more in love with this woman every day, buddy.” I want The Brad to run a cliche contest. He is a winner. And by “winner,” I mean, sweet Jesus, I can’t wait to be rid of this shmuck. Stay tuned for the finale next week, when either Chantel or Emily are forced to spend the rest of their lives pretending to find Brad amusing.

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