The Bachelor, Episode Nine: Hungry Hungry Hippos

We are really getting down to the wire: The Brad is taking Emily, Chantel, and Ashley to South Africa where he is going to feed 1 of them to some hungry lions. The producers are playing the theme song from ‘Jaws’ as we watch Brad pack. I didn’t know he had that many shirts, given how often we see him naked to the waist. The Brad very wisely uses the long plane ride as an opportunity to recap the entire season, which means I’ve been wasting my time, not that that’s news to me.

Okay, now we’re on an episode of Survivor, and there are shots of zebras and hippos! I love this. Who is going to take me on safari, damnit? I am very interested in seeing a rhinoceros. Oh, right, we’re talking about The Brad. He is afraid of being alone. Boo hoo.

Chantel is the first to arrive. She is wearing the time-honored Tiny Short. Chantel has already told Brad that she loves him, and could care less about the safari. Girlfriend just wants to get to the fantasy suite. They drive past a pride of tranquilized lions. These lions look so much like my cat it’s not even funny. They see a giraffe and decide “it’s gorgeous, in a weird way, you know what I mean?” They have a picnic next to a river with a hippo in it. God, they really spent a lot of time making Busch Gardens look awesome. They drink champagne and the hippo laughs at them. The Brad talks about taking Chantel home to meet his family. He describes himself as “getting fired up,” which seems to mean making a pump-it-up motion with his hands, once, and then going back to normal. I think The Brad is going to pick Chantel – I’m calling it now. She’s got the rich, tacky parents, she’s got the boobs, I think it’s in the bag. The card from Chris arrives with the key to the fantasy suite, and Chantel says, “I think I’m done with dinner.” They are going to do it in a treehouse all night long.

Next up: Emily. She’s wearing muck boots and a camp shirt and looks actually adorable. The Brad picks her up on an elephant. I want to ride an elephant. They’re having The Talk about him raising her daughter, which is so not going to happen. My husband, in The Brad’s voice, says, “You know what I’m thinking about? Boarding school kindergarten.” They have a picnic. Why are these people never allowed to sit on chairs? I would be so annoyed. Now it’s dark outside, which means it’s time for dinner. Emily is wearing sequins, which you have to respect. The Brad is nervous. Emily claims to be both “an open book” and “hard to read.” I guess she’s basically Finnegan’s Wake. She says “you know” a lot, which is very Joycean. Uh-oh! The fantasy suite card! She puts the key down on the table. Her teeth are so white that I’m pretty sure a lion is going to see them and run through the dark to maul her. Whoa! She says yes, but just to talk. The sad part is that I believe her. Emily tells The Brad that she’s falling in love with him, and he tells her that he’s falling in love with her, too. Whoa whoa whoa! The producers are going to be so pissed off. I think little Ricky could have a very boring little sibling in about nine and a half months.

Now it’s Ashley’s turn. The Brad calls her “infectious.” Sexy. I think the girls are having an unspoken contest for Shortest Shorts. Oh no, a helicopter! It has been a while. Ashley is freaking out, and The Brad says, “Do you know how many times I’ve flown in a helicopter?!” Hilarious. I feel like Ashley got the short end of the stick in terms of South Africa, I must say. It’s very beautiful, of course, but I really liked the safari. What a surprise, they’re having a picnic. The Brad asks about whether he can “allow herself to live while trying to achieve,” which means he’s asking her if she will stop being a stupid dentist and have his babies. Barf. WAIT A MINUTE. Please do yourself a favor and looks up Brad’s bars in Texas. This is all I have to say: one of them is call The Chuggin’ Monkey. Now it’s dinnertime. She’s wearing her dress shorts. You can tell they’re not that into each other because she’s actually eating. Ashley has one of those backwards-voices where everything she says? Sounds like a question? He needs to cut her from the team. Brad says, “We can’t build the future based on the fact that we an incredible carnival date.” So true, Brad, so true. This is getting awkward. She’s still eating, and The Brad is wicked bummed. Nevertheless, they’re headed to the fantasy suite. They kiss and then both realize how awkward it all is. African crickets chirp loudly in the background.

The rose ceremony is taking place on a platform next to a river. There are scary creatures hiding nearby, and 1 of these girls is going to have her leg eaten off. The Brad pulls Ashley aside for a talk. She is pissed. They’re having the break-up talk while sitting on an ottoman in South Africa. Oh, and they’re on television. He tells her that “he’s confident in the decision,” which means see you later, Ashley. Thankfully, he doesn’t make her go back to the other girls, and walks her straight to a waiting SUV. As always, Brad wants the girl being sent home to act chipper, and he’s mad that she seems hurt. Oy. What a dolt.

So it’s down to Chantel and Emily. He makes them accept the roses anyway, because “this is a two-way street,” which means, everything’s cool unless you actually have a job. Next time, they’ll both go home to meet Brad’s family in Capetown. I was really hoping they were going back to Austin, to throw back some shots at the Chuggin’ Monkey.

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