The Bachelor, Episode Seven: Thrilla in Anguilla

Welcome to Anguilla! The ladies are excited to arrive in their new villa, which is at a giant resort. Is this the episode where the ladies end up drunk at the hotel bar, and go home with some vacationing Germans? I really hope so.

Ricky Bobby gets the first date. A helicopter circles overhead. You do know that her husband died in a small plane crash, don’t you, Brad? These producers are so evil I can hardly stand it. The Brad and Ricky Bobby land their ‘copter on a tiny sand bar in the middle of the ocean. I’m guessing it has a bed and an endless supply of champagne. They sit on the beach and talk about how scared they are. Emily likes Vulnerable Brad, and then they kiss. Brad says “We’re losing the sun, and we’re gaining the moon.” This is poetry, people! Then they swim home, and get eaten by sharks. Fine, not really. Instead, they change their clothes, Ricky Bobby gets her hair braided, and then they wander down the beach to eat dinner. The Brad asks her if she will let him meet her daughter. Whose name is Ricky. Oy. Ricky Bobby is not giving in. The Brad “breaks the rules” and tells Ricky Bobby that he’s going to give her a rose and go to her hometown, so she’s going to have to put up or shut up. Then they make out in the water. It’s like watching Ken and Barbie come to life, and not in a good way.

Back at the Playboy Villa, the next date card arrives. It’s for Shawntel, the funeral director. Somehow, The Brad has made it back to the mainland. They hop on some cruiser bikes and find an impromptu steel drum concert. The jump rope and play dominoes with the natives! An old Anguillan woman offers them advice free-of-charge. The Brad kisses the old woman, because isn’t that what this show is about? Then The Brad and Shawntel wander around a corner and find some baby goats to nuzzle. Shawntel tells The Brad that she’s falling in love with him, and The Brad nods. Rough.

Over dinner, The Brad mentions his brother for the first time—have you people discovered this amazing fact, that The Brad is a twin? My secret hope is that the reason Brad has seemed so weird and slow this entire season is because he’s actually being played by BOTH TWINS. Please tell me that Brad is pulling a Reverse Winklevi right now. It’s raining in Anguilla. My helpful husband says, in Brad’s voice, “God is crying for our love.” Then, all of a sudden, an entire crowd joins them for a reggae concert. I bet Shawntel and The Brad both actually listen to reggae, don’t you think? Or at least some Dave Matthews, which they think is the same thing. Then they take off their clothes, show off their terrible tattoos, and go swimming. (Note on Shawntel’s tattoo: my husband says, “Is that the Aerosmith logo?”)

The next date goes to Britt, who has never gone on a one-on-one date before. She’s a food writer, which I’m pretty sure is too cool for Brad. They swim out to a yacht, which seems like an awfully long swim. If it were me, I would need a snack and a nap. Instead, they climb up the side of a cliff and jump off. This seems like a really good way to crack your head open. To her credit, Britt says “Holy crap” and looks genuinely terrified. Britt seems very young, and Brad has no interest in making out. Cut from the team! Sorry, Cookie. Here’s what I’m missing on television by watching their awkward dinner conversation: The Westminster Dog Show! Alas. The Brad decides to cut Britt loose straight from the yacht, and lowers her into a dinghy. At least he didn’t make her swim.

The group date goes to Crazy Maria Menounos, Ashley, and Chantel. Brad wakes them up at 2am, breaking into their house like a crazy person. Photo shoot! The ladies are going to be in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue! This would be my worst nightmare. Crazy Maria looks psyched, and Chantel (the only normal human being left) says she feels like “a fat lard.” Ashley ditches her bikini top and poses with shells in front of her boobs. Chantel take it off even faster, arches her back, and rolls around in the sand. Crazy Maria drags The Brad into the surf and make out with him as the camera snaps snaps snaps away. Crazy like a fox. The Brad now feels like a douchebag, and now “doesn’t know what to expect at the pool party.” Ashley is drinking a giant glass of what looks like ectoplasm. Spiked Mountain Dew, maybe? In turn, each of the ladies pull The Brad aside and complain about Crazy Maria. The Brad wonders if he and Crazy Maria are too much alike. Um, Brad? She’s a lunatic and you’re a block of wood. You have nothing in common except that you both spend too much time at the gym.

The Brad gives a rose to Ashley, and then offers Chantel and Crazy Maria a drink. Nice one. They are pissed. Chantel is my favorite by a mile, because she seems to recognize how weird this whole thing is. If he doesn’t send Crazy Maria home, I am going on strike. Okay, no, because then we would get to meet Crazy Maria’s family, and that sounds a little exciting.

Going into the rose ceremony, Ashley already has a rose, and he’s promised one to Ricky Bobby, which leaves two to go. When Chris Harrison surprises The Brad before the cocktail party, he is staring at framed photos of all the women, and he looks like a serial murderer. Okay, Brad is secure in his decision and decides to skip the cocktail party.

Ooh, the rose ceremony is on a deserted beach! Whoever doesn’t get a rose is going to get thrown to the sharks. Ricky Bobby gets a rose. Shawntel gets a rose. Chantel gets a rose! Crazy Maria, I’m going to miss you. Brad, I’d make sure all your doors are locked extra tight tonight. To her credit, she won’t let him near her as they walk back to the limo. Good move, Brad. We’ve seen the flip side of this kind of choice, and her name is Vienna.

Next week: hometown dates! Will he meet Baby Ricky or no? What will he think about Shawntel’s embalming tools?

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