The Bachelor, Episode Six: Jungle Love Is Driving Me Crazy

Episode Six starts with The Brad on a solo helicopter ride in Costa Rica. The Brad wants Costa Rica to provide answers. I would like it to provide some more exciting dates. Monkeys? Volcanos? Come on. Ashley thinks their hotel room is very organic. Maria Menounos looks crazy no matter where she is, and says that she hopes the other girls get attacked by apes. Crazy though she might be, homegirl is not alone.

The first date goes to Chantel. They hop in a helicopter, which is the preferred mode of transportation for most Costa Ricans, I’m sure. Hooray, they’re going on the longest zipline in the world! The second most preferred mode of transportation for Costa Ricans. Since they are in the rainforest, it should not surprise The Brad and Chantel that it’s raining, and yet, they are. They zip, and then zip some more. This is really thrilling television.

For dinner, The Brad and Chantel have a picnic in the dark, complete with stemware and tiki torches. Surprise, it’s raining again! They bring their wine and ditch the “local fare” that Brad clearly found repulsive to begin with, and was delighted to leave behind. They head back to The Brad’s hotel room, conveniently located nearby. Hmm. Chantel takes her dress off and puts on one of The Brad’s button down shirts. He’s still wearing his cargo shorts, which makes her three times better dressed than he is. They make out, and then nuzzle noses. Chantel would have sex with you, Brad. Just in case you were wondering.

Time for the group date, also known as Crazy Maria Menounos’ Torture Device. The girls all suit up in harnesses and helmets, because The Brad is kinky, as we know. They’re going to repel down a waterfall, as if that’s a thing people do. Crazy Maria is pissed being they repelled together on their last date, and swore they’d never do it with anyone else. The Brad is totally worried that she’s going to throw him over the side of the waterfall. Oh, no, The Brad saved her for last, and they’re going to repel together. How romantic.

And now it’s time for bikinis. Crazy Maria reports that seeing Brad without his shirt on “makes you wanna go home and f**k.” One can only imagine what she actually said. They’re all in the natural hot springs, and the fake boobs are on display. Ricky Bobby reports that she is starting to like Brad. These girls are all swimming with lots of eye-liner and mascara, and now they all look like raccoons after a bar fight, which makes me like them more. Then Ricky Bobby and Brad make out in the lagoon, and we get a nice shot of Brad’s back tattoo.

Finally, the bugs arrive! This is the plague we’ve been waiting for. You are in the JUNGLE, ladies. Did you really think there wouldn’t be bugs? There are some high-level freak-outs. In the lagoon, it’s Crazy Maria’s turn for the make-out session. Oh shit! The Brad is not giving out a rose on the group date, and he leaves the ladies all sitting in the lagoon together, where they are going to start planning to drown each other in t-minus five minutes.

The Brad picks up Allie (whose name I have never heard before) on a donkey, the third most popular mode of transportation in Costa Rica. They seem to have brought a small foal along, perhaps in case they get lost and need a snack. Oh, I’m kidding! I need to entertain myself! The Brad and Allie are going on their date in a 40 million-year-old cave. Do you think they’ve seen The Descent? I doubt it. Allie says that she is scared of “poisonous jungle bugs.” If I were her, I would be afraid of being forced to spend the rest of my life with Brad. There are bats in the cave, and Allie is less than thrilled. How are you going to get her in her bathing-suit, Romeo? Oh, Jesus, they’re having a picnic inside the cave.

For dinner, The Brad and Allie are having dinner on the surface of a pool, which seems steamy and kind of weird. Brad complains they’re having small talk. The conversation does seem particularly bad. Topics: which cities are too big, whether or not they’ve been to Africa. The Brad decides not to give Allie the rose, which means she has to pack her knives and go. After she leaves, weeping, The Brad is alone. There’s a knock on the door. It’s Crazy Maria! Side note: Crazy Maria has just copied Ricky Bobby’s side-braid. She is a terrifying human being, and The Brad is fearful for his life, but he lets her make out with him anyway. Crazy Maria does not seem to realize that while Brad wants a woman to hit him, he does not want a woman to tell him what to do, at least not until they’re doing it.

At the cocktail party, The Brad is all business. He takes Ricky Bobby for a swing in a hammock. He’s wearing a banker’s tie, which looks extra-natural with the woven rope. Nice, Brad. Then he pulls Crazy Maria aside and tells her that she’s scaring him. Ooh, honesty! Where is this coming from? She tells him that she knows she needs to be there, and then cries. Shawntel decides to play “the silent game” with Brad, where they can “do anything but talk. They stare at each awkwardly for fifteen seconds before sucking on each other’s faces. Listen, sweetie, he’s made of wood. It’s really not that hard for him to keep his mouth shut. Ugh, Chantel just told The Brad that she loved him. I have nothing to say about this. They seem like they deserve each other. I say it’s down to Chantel and Ricky Bobby in the end.

The rose ceremony is more dramatic as ever. Only one woman is going to be sent home. As far as I can tell, he didn’t talk to the blonde once this week, so it’s either her or Crazy Maria. He keeps Ashley. He keeps Ricky Bobby. He keeps Britt, the blonde! He keeps Shawntel. He keeps Crazy Maria! Poor Jackie and her nice, big nose have to go home. Bummer! I was really pulling for this episode to have a little sanity, but what did I expect?

Next stop on the love train: Anguilla. Steel drums! Oy.

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