The Bachelor, Episode One: A Little Slap and Tickle

Brad Womack is, in his own words, selfish, sexist, and “a broken man.” I’m sorry, I mean, Brad Womack is The Bachelor, for the second time. The first time he was on, three years ago, he sent home the last two women, unable to commit to either one. He’s been to therapy, which means he is now ready to find a wife on television. The good news is that Brad has the key Bachelor personality trait, which is being willing to hang around shirtless. He swims! He lifts weights! He runs on the beach! He has a giant tattoo of a cross between his shoulder blades. Brad’s chief worry is that the women won’t give him a second chance, but I think he should spend some more time worrying about skin cancer.

Let’s meet the ladies in a quirky video montage, shall we? There are thirty women this season, more than ever before. We’ve got all the Bachelor faves: divorcees! Single moms! Girls with Daddy issues! A funeral director! A manscaper! A model with vampire teeth! A girl widowed by her racecar driver husband! But let’s not learn their names just yet, because, let’s face it, most of these girls will be going home before we actually remember which ones they are.

The person I really feel sorry for is Chris Harrison. Brad has what Tyra Banks would call ‘dead eyes,’ and yet Chris is forced to pretend to empathize with him. But no! Chris is only pretending to be nice to Brad, and is bringing out the two women he sent home the last time. Brad is actually surprised, which is sort of like seeing a Ken doll weep. Everyone hates Brad, despite the fact that all he seems to want to say is how horrible he is, which I’m finding very satisfying. He looks very relieved when Chris kicks the former bride-testants to the curb.

The limos are coming! The first woman out of the limo slaps Brad in the face, and he likes it. I think we’re getting somewhere already. The rest of the women end every sentence with a question mark, and toddle inside on their high heels. There are two Bump-Its, one Rockette, and one Darryl Hannh doppelganger. Some early front-runners: Ashley from North Carolina, Ashley in the red glittery dress, the blonde nanny, the brunette nanny, Chantal, and Shawntel. Do you remember which one is which? Neither do I.

At the cocktail party, Brad tries to convince Jennifer, Ashley, Jennifer, and Ashley to trust him again. I think his therapist is standing just out of frame, coaching him. Maybe this is the season for the mental health professionals to accompany The Bachelor on dates. I do want to know how ‘intensive’ his therapy was. What are we talking, full-on analysis? I doubt it. I think he’s really talking about his personal trainer. One of the Ashleys get the First Impression rose, as far as I can tell, this happened because she took pity on him and didn’t make him apologize to her.

The Rose Ceremony. Brad is still apologizing. This guy is the most boring human being I have ever been forced to stare at for two hours. Oh my god, he’s keeping Linebacker Fangs. He’s keeping the one with the dead husband, Ricky Bobby. He’s keeping the manscaper, and the Rockette, who seems to be on a massive amount of cocaine. He’s keeping the other Ashley. He’s keeping one Bump-It, and sending the other home. God, the mugs on these women! The over-plucked eyebrows are going to haunt me. He’s keeping Splash. He’s keeping Funeral Director. Brad seems to like a good rhinoplasty, ladies. He’s keeping the one who hit him.

What I want to know is this: who do I know who went to high school with one of these girls, and what is wrong with them? All the women who are leaving wish Brad luck, and he looks like he’s starting to build up his self-esteem again. It’s going to be a long season, folks, full of helicopter rides and hot tubs. Let’s get this party started!

Note: if I had a therapist who agreed to talk about my broken personality on national television, I would find a different therapist.

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