No one uses a good, old-fashioned beeper these days. I guess that’s because all the pay phones in New York have been replaced with halal fruit stands or musical bicycle racks designed by David Byrne. It seems less likely that the reason beepers are scarce is because people have stopped needing drugs. Drug dealers would rather carry a German Field Telephone than waste time with a beeper.

Here is my review of beepers:

“No one actually uses or owns or manufactures or sells beepers any more. The end. Buy a cell phone.”

Sorry, I just couldn’t get inspired.

Beepers these days are for people with some kind of skill, like mountain climbers or EMTs. Most beepers are actually called ‘Avalanche Receivers’ which sounds nicer than an ‘If This Thing Beeps It’s Because You’re Trapped In A Mountain Machine’. These life-saving beepers will be useful until mountaineers can learn to transmit radio waves from inside their bodies, which was actually one of Nikola Tesla’s unrealized inventions.

An Avalanche Beeper will run you about $300 and will give you the following:

1. It will be waterproof
2. It will help you when you are dying
3. What? Do you need something more?

Most of the regular beepers I found also send and receive email. I have no idea why. For the same effect, you could buy a phone and then just not answer it. Anyway, you know the technology on a gadget is spotty whenever they cite “alarm clock” as a feature.

If you want a beeper, you’d better buy it online. Otherwise, it’s going to be embarrassing. I can’t imagine looking the Motorola sales clerk in the eye and saying “Listen, I need you to go into the basement and I need you to move about 19 boxes and then I need you to find me a beeper somewhere down there… I’m serious. I’m a mountaineer!”

Since I couldn’t find many statistics on beepers yesterday, I initially ended up writing three pages about my ex-boyfriend and how he had a pay-as-you-go cell phone and how that should have been a “sign” that he wasn’t 100% on the up and up. I noted how it would have been less shady if he’d had a beeper, because at least I’d know he had some kind of a hobby that involved mountains. That all made for the beginnings of a decent confessional essay, until I got to the part where he did a lot of coke with the girlfriend I didn’t know he had, then broke into my apartment, used my dildo, and jerked off to Shemale porn just before disconnecting his cell phone and disappearing without a trace.

Upon rereading, I decided that might be a bit TMI for an article on beepers.

Granted, I did get a free copy of Chicks With Dicks out of the relationship, but I couldn’t bring the article back around to relate to beepers (and if you know me, you know I can relate pretty much anything to beepers!). In hindsight, at least I know why my ex was unhappy in the relationship. He wanted a transmitter between my legs, but I only have a receiver.

Chicks with Beepers

(Note: Just as I was publishing this, I received my new Blackberry Titanium from the cheerful UPS man. That means next week’s review is: The Blackberry 8330 Titanium! An actual review of a real product that I’m using in my life? Preposterous!)

The Nook had its own nook (tee-hee!) at Barnes and Noble manned by a disinterested, wimpy young male who looked like a hipster Gene Shalit. He begrudgingly helped me navigate the library by explaining that I don’t open a book by pressing on the title, but instead should use the arrows on the bottom of the screen. Considering that I had to ask a stranger a question, I’d say the Nook has a teensy little learning curve, but nothing a quick glance at a how-to manual or a doughy bookstore employee can’t fix. I just personally believe that I should know things intrinsically and find the existence of instructions to be (in theory) a waste of my time.

I visited the Nook counter with my boyfriend, John, who, most decidedly, is not a wimpy hipster. He does not own any packaged action figures or keep books about post-modern tree houses on his coffee table. He’s a man. He likes man things. Things like fire and loving deeply. His job includes math, blueprints, and a welder’s helmet. I say all this to explain that John – who has very little need to bring a Nook on his morning commute – thought the Nook was cool. If I got him a Nook, he would use it. That way, he could carry around his whole library: Rebuilding Engines Up Your Asshole, Hammer Fight Sex Lumberjack, and I Will Kill Bad Guys To Save This Kitten. Then he’d find a way to drag race with it.

Admittedly, I didn’t get a lot of usage out of the Nook while standing at the counter, but it seemed pretty self-explanatory. It’s an electric book, just like the kind that Neal Stevenson predicted in The Diamond Age and Dr. Seuss predicted in There’s A Nook All Up In My Rookadookalook! It’s for reading books.

You connect to a wi-fi spot, download books, keep them in your database, and read them whenever you want (unless you drop it in the sink). You can adjust the font and the screen brightness, and the books are very easy to read.

I honestly can’t imagine anyone complaining about the Nook, except for curmudgeonly librarians who hate electricity and look like this:

One important feature on the Nook seemed to be “airplane mode” so that you can still turn it on and it won’t transmit data. Thank God, because the last thing our airlines need is another Carl Hiaasen-related crash. (Said in the voice of the curmudgeonly librarian: “The next thing you know, they’ll be asking us to turn off our chewing gum! Our chewing gum for our mouths will be electric! Grackle Grackle angry mouth-breathing!”)

You can even lend books to friends, which, although limited, is still a feature that the Kindle apparently does not have. You can’t read the book yourself while it’s being lent out, however. This, the curmudgeons will have to concede the device is exactly like a regular book.

Of course, the first thing John and I did was look up my memoir: I’m Perfect, You’re Doomed: Tales From A Jehovah’s Witness Upbringing. It is available for the Nook and has nine customer reviews with a total of three stars. On Amazon.com, my book has 60 reviews and four stars.

That being said, the Amazon Kindle is clearly a superior product.

After we were done getting some Nookie (I made that up all by myself!) my boyfriend suggested going to the biography section to see if Barnes and Noble had my memoir in stock. I noted that we had just seen my book in stock, on the Nook! This shows the illusory nature of e-words, things we can’t put on a shelf. After seeing my book, we still wanted to see my book.

Personally, I’d rather own a bound book, but that’s because I grew up with them. Children born in 2010 will probably be repelled by the idea of a backpack filled with heavy, coffee-stained bound paper and think of us as illogical and stuck in the past. But at least I don’t live with my parents, so suck it, you 2022 pre-teen know-it-all. I make my electric bed when I feel like it.

My prediction for 2050 is this: books will become obsolete for everyone but antique collectors and babies. Obviously, you can’t toss a Nook in the crib with Xavier Gabriel like a copy of Pat the Bunny. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe books have staying power. Maybe this whole “book” thing will become sticky and viral. After all, people always fear progress. When the clock tower was invented, I imagine that ‘time enthusiasts’ were crying about the inevitable death of the sundial. God knows I would never want to read a sundial on the subway. Nor do I want to read Sundials: Their Theory and Construction by Albert E. Waugh (Paperback – June 1, 1973). Honestly, I only read dystopian sci-fi novels about electric books.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykXwcDWc4rQ

So, here it is two weeks later and I have neither a review of the iPad nor an inspirational story about how I got to voice a late-night local commercial for senior vitamins (“VitaMax Silver – The best health you’ll get before you die!”) because after my gala debut on the airwaves for truckers and security guards, I curled up in a dejected ball and slept for a week.

(Did I mention I was being interviewed at two in the morning? At one point, the host asked me if I wore a bear suit as a child. I did not have an answer for him.)

However, not knowing anything about the iPad is no reason not to review it, right? If you don’t believe me, here is an inspirational quote:

“It is better to attempt something great and fail than to do nothing and succeed.” – A quote by someone who failed a lot in life and was trying to justify it

With that, here is my review of the iPad:

Apple’s Quirky New iPad Offers Proof Of God

It’s finally here – the amazing and fantastical new iPad! And this time around, the brand new gadget does not disappoint because of all of the many electrical things it does. This many-thing-doing item is bound to be used by the person using it! It may be pricey, but compared to making your own iPad at home, it’s a HUGE time-saver! The iPad is this years ‘gotta have it’ item. After all, what else are you going to do in a cafe – interact with people?

The first thing I noticed about the iPad while reading other people’s reviews is that it has multiple iPhone-like features which are similar to an iPhone but gigantic – like, the size of an blue whale, I think. Everyone in the office loved the way the iPad directed a feature-length independent documentary about the relation of vaccines to autism. The iPad also annihilated the competition in our “Is This an iPad?” category and got super high marks in “Will This Become a Poorly Written Skit on Mad TV?” (far surpassing the Kindle). And, it’s the size of a blue whale!

Most importantly, however, the iPad has proven the existence of God. We’re not sure how. It somehow “told” us so.

Sure, we were as surprised as you are! But trust us, everyone who tested the sleek gadget saw the same version of God. I guess you’d call it an epiphany or something. There is a God. Don’t worry. When you get one, you’ll understand.

We gave the iPad five stars in our “Offers Proof of God” category, however, it rated low (two stars) for its ability to tell humans what to do with this life-changing information. On that plane, the iPad fell very short.

Nine out of ten users experienced feelings of malaise and a withdrawal from society after their epiphany. Our intern went to Tibet, while the department director went to Machu Picchu. We’re all confused.

For this reason alone, we give the iPad four out of five stars. Yes, this next generation device has a highly responsive user interface and a gorgeous display screen. But, no one is really sure how to live, or if there’s even a reason for living any more. We look forward to seeing if Apple addresses this bug in later versions.

Rating: Four out of five stars
The Pros: Offers proof of God
The Cons: Offers proof of God
The Verdict: Yup, there’s a God.

Next week: A review of the tech reviewers on YouTube

Photo by myuibe

Today, I am heading to the Apple Store on Fifth Avenue to remind myself that technology exists, that it is readily available, usually awesome, and that I should probably own more of it.

To enter the underground Apple Store, patrons descend through an empty, three-story glass cube, to a mall-like atmosphere with tourists posing next to laptops because it’s too cold for a Central Park carriage ride. By the time I reach the iPod Touch, I’ve already been in two vacation photos. It feels like entering the Fortress of Solitude only to discover there’s a Cheesecake Factory inside.

Immediately, I want everything that surrounds me, including the adorable sales clerk with the full tattoo sleeve. Mainly, I want a phone that can search the internet and doesn’t cost me $900 every time I email myself a photo. I want a laptop that makes more laptops. I want things.

I’m hiding my trilobite of an iPod in my Harvey’s Seatbelt messenger bag, when I look up to see an Orthodox Jew asking a salesman what colors the Nano comes in. God has spoken: I need better technology.

When I first pick up the Touch, I get stuck in a World of Warcraft-style game called Glyder (actually, first I giggle to myself and sing “Sometimes when we iPod Touch, the honesty’s too much” because I cultivate my sense of humor to alienate myself from others). Glyder bores me quickly, but I don’t see an option to exit, so I pull the classic ‘Grandma trying to check call waiting’ move and hit the power button, figuring I’ll start over. Instead of shutting off, however, I’m taken back to the main screen. Score one for the iPod touch. That’s my kind of idiot proof. Meanwhile, the Orthodox man is making French toast on a turquoise Nano.

Ultimately, I know I won’t be using the Touch to help Toki Tori find his eggs, I’ll be using it to listen to music. The interface is straightforward, and the addition of a ‘search’ function makes my toddler-sized iPod feel like a crank Victrola.

(By the way, the iPod Touch is just like an iPhone, without a phone. It took me 20 minutes to figure this out. So, if you have any experience with an iPhone, I might as well be reviewing the Playstation by explaining that video game systems hook up to your television. This is the level of amazement I’m at with the musical search function.)

I finish listening to Young MC and notice that if I owned a Touch, I would be able to hear my music while I play a game. This is a great feature, because I’ll be entertained while a gang of kids steals it out of my hand on the 6 train.

It takes me five tries to open my personal website, and I’m feeling like Sasquatch trying to make lace. I know I’m crotchety, but I’m baffled that anyone with less than a pencil-tip of a finger would be able to navigate this interface. Wahhh! They say there are no stupid questions, but even I know these questions are really very dumb, so I keep them to myself.

After 30 minutes of Toki Tori and Akon, I decide that I definitely want one of these Touch thingies, but not for $400. Not when an iPhone is $300, anyway. With 30 hours of audio and six hours of video, I guess the Touch holds more data, and that’s important to me, but I really need to make phone calls. It also has voice control, but that’s not important to me. I’m not a paraplegic, I can press buttons without considering it an extra chore.

Personally, I would buy an iPhone before the Touch. Who wants to carry more than one thing? I don’t live in the future to have to carry multiple things. I live in the future for French toast.

Am I wrong about the Touch? Is it better than an iPhone? Tell me what I missed in the comments.

(Next week: The iPad vs. the TI-99)