What Ever Happened to Beepers?

I spent yesterday in the historic main branch of the New York Public library surrounded by Beau Arts lion statues while trying to write a review of beepers. Yes, beepers. I figured I’d talk about how they scare grandma while you’re waiting at the Outback Steakhouse, or how they have a GPS that can save people’s lives on camping trips (but only if God has a plan for you). But I couldn’t even muster that much.

No one uses a good, old-fashioned beeper these days. I guess that’s because all the pay phones in New York have been replaced with halal fruit stands or musical bicycle racks designed by David Byrne. It seems less likely that the reason beepers are scarce is because people have stopped needing drugs. Drug dealers would rather carry a German Field Telephone than waste time with a beeper.

Here is my review of beepers:

“No one actually uses or owns or manufactures or sells beepers any more. The end. Buy a cell phone.”

Sorry, I just couldn’t get inspired.

Beepers these days are for people with some kind of skill, like mountain climbers or EMTs. Most beepers are actually called ‘Avalanche Receivers’ which sounds nicer than an ‘If This Thing Beeps It’s Because You’re Trapped In A Mountain Machine’. These life-saving beepers will be useful until mountaineers can learn to transmit radio waves from inside their bodies, which was actually one of Nikola Tesla’s unrealized inventions.

An Avalanche Beeper will run you about $300 and will give you the following:

1. It will be waterproof
2. It will help you when you are dying
3. What? Do you need something more?

Most of the regular beepers I found also send and receive email. I have no idea why. For the same effect, you could buy a phone and then just not answer it. Anyway, you know the technology on a gadget is spotty whenever they cite “alarm clock” as a feature.

If you want a beeper, you’d better buy it online. Otherwise, it’s going to be embarrassing. I can’t imagine looking the Motorola sales clerk in the eye and saying “Listen, I need you to go into the basement and I need you to move about 19 boxes and then I need you to find me a beeper somewhere down there… I’m serious. I’m a mountaineer!”

Since I couldn’t find many statistics on beepers yesterday, I initially ended up writing three pages about my ex-boyfriend and how he had a pay-as-you-go cell phone and how that should have been a “sign” that he wasn’t 100% on the up and up. I noted how it would have been less shady if he’d had a beeper, because at least I’d know he had some kind of a hobby that involved mountains. That all made for the beginnings of a decent confessional essay, until I got to the part where he did a lot of coke with the girlfriend I didn’t know he had, then broke into my apartment, used my dildo, and jerked off to Shemale porn just before disconnecting his cell phone and disappearing without a trace.

Upon rereading, I decided that might be a bit TMI for an article on beepers.

Granted, I did get a free copy of Chicks With Dicks out of the relationship, but I couldn’t bring the article back around to relate to beepers (and if you know me, you know I can relate pretty much anything to beepers!). In hindsight, at least I know why my ex was unhappy in the relationship. He wanted a transmitter between my legs, but I only have a receiver.

Chicks with Beepers

(Note: Just as I was publishing this, I received my new Blackberry Titanium from the cheerful UPS man. That means next week’s review is: The Blackberry 8330 Titanium! An actual review of a real product that I’m using in my life? Preposterous!)