Apple’s Quirky New iPad Offers Proof Of God

Two weeks ago, I said I would review the iPad. When I said this, I meant it. You know, just like your dad did all those times he promised to stop drinking. Unfortunately, I forgot that I had been booked as a guest on an all-night talk radio program at two a.m. the day before the column was set to go live. Also, there are apparently no iPads in the world.

So, here it is two weeks later and I have neither a review of the iPad nor an inspirational story about how I got to voice a late-night local commercial for senior vitamins (“VitaMax Silver – The best health you’ll get before you die!”) because after my gala debut on the airwaves for truckers and security guards, I curled up in a dejected ball and slept for a week.

(Did I mention I was being interviewed at two in the morning? At one point, the host asked me if I wore a bear suit as a child. I did not have an answer for him.)

However, not knowing anything about the iPad is no reason not to review it, right? If you don’t believe me, here is an inspirational quote:

“It is better to attempt something great and fail than to do nothing and succeed.” – A quote by someone who failed a lot in life and was trying to justify it

With that, here is my review of the iPad:

Apple’s Quirky New iPad Offers Proof Of God

It’s finally here – the amazing and fantastical new iPad! And this time around, the brand new gadget does not disappoint because of all of the many electrical things it does. This many-thing-doing item is bound to be used by the person using it! It may be pricey, but compared to making your own iPad at home, it’s a HUGE time-saver! The iPad is this years ‘gotta have it’ item. After all, what else are you going to do in a cafe – interact with people?

The first thing I noticed about the iPad while reading other people’s reviews is that it has multiple iPhone-like features which are similar to an iPhone but gigantic – like, the size of an blue whale, I think. Everyone in the office loved the way the iPad directed a feature-length independent documentary about the relation of vaccines to autism. The iPad also annihilated the competition in our “Is This an iPad?” category and got super high marks in “Will This Become a Poorly Written Skit on Mad TV?” (far surpassing the Kindle). And, it’s the size of a blue whale!

Most importantly, however, the iPad has proven the existence of God. We’re not sure how. It somehow “told” us so.

Sure, we were as surprised as you are! But trust us, everyone who tested the sleek gadget saw the same version of God. I guess you’d call it an epiphany or something. There is a God. Don’t worry. When you get one, you’ll understand.

We gave the iPad five stars in our “Offers Proof of God” category, however, it rated low (two stars) for its ability to tell humans what to do with this life-changing information. On that plane, the iPad fell very short.

Nine out of ten users experienced feelings of malaise and a withdrawal from society after their epiphany. Our intern went to Tibet, while the department director went to Machu Picchu. We’re all confused.

For this reason alone, we give the iPad four out of five stars. Yes, this next generation device has a highly responsive user interface and a gorgeous display screen. But, no one is really sure how to live, or if there’s even a reason for living any more. We look forward to seeing if Apple addresses this bug in later versions.

Rating: Four out of five stars
The Pros: Offers proof of God
The Cons: Offers proof of God
The Verdict: Yup, there’s a God.

Next week: A review of the tech reviewers on YouTube

Photo by myuibe

Comments