He was going for Some Kind of Monster but what he got was Capturing The Friedmans. If his beard lived two blocks closer to me, it would have had to ring my doorbell in accordance with Megan’s Law.

I avoided him for months, and he’s the love of my life. Now that’s a bad beard decision. He could have been banging me, like, two months earlier, at least.

One day, a group of mutual friends went out for dinner and I got stuck sitting across from the kiddie fiddler. Much to my chagrin, he was charming. Yes, he charmed me. He had balloons and stickers in the back of his van, what can I say? He asked me out, and I reluctantly said yes. Then he told me not to tell anyone or my parents wouldn’t love me anymore.

Two dates later, I took him back to my place. He removed his clown costume and then helped me unbutton my Garanimals. That’s when I noticed he had a tattoo on his right shoulder. A tattoo which appeared, for all intents and purposes, to be that of Woody Woodpecker smoking a cigar (see top image).

I must have looked horrified, because he tried to explain.

“This isn’t Woody Woodpecker,” he said, pointing to himself. “This is Mr. Horsepower.”

At which point my vagina threw up.

Now, what he was trying to say was: “I realize this looks like Woody Woodpecker, but it is, in fact, the drag racing icon Mr. Horsepower, the cartoon mascot of Clay Smith Custom Camshafts, an auto shop established in 1931. Woody Woodpecker was not created until 1940. This is the original cartoon. This is Mr. Horsepower.”

What I heard was: “This isn’t Woody Woodpecker, it’s a fuel tank for a sex machine.”

And I thought he was the biggest loser I’d ever met in my life. In my mind, his tattoo was the equivalent of a rusty pickup truck with Yosemite Sam mudflaps urging me to “Back Off!”

But then I banged him anyway. Because I’m a big whore the end.

THE TATTOO INTERVIEW

The Faster Times: How many people have thought you tattooed Woody Woodpecker on your chest?

John: About 99 per cent of people outside of the hot rod community. Everyone “on the inside” knows what it is.

The Faster Times: You strike me as the kind of man who would have a lot of ink, but you didn’t get your tattoo until you were 34. Did you feel like you had waited forever?

John: I always had commitment issues. I could never think of anything I wanted that I knew I’d always like. And… I preferred to spend my money on racecars and alcohol.

The Faster Times: Why Mr. Horsepower?

John: Despite my commitment issues, the one thing that’s never left me is hot rod culture. I wanted to get something simple and direct for my first tattoo, and that’s Mr. Horsepower.

The Faster Times: Do you plan to get more tattoos?

John: Sure, I see myself getting more tattoos. But do I see myself in a full body suit? No. As of right now I only have two or three ideas, one being some Robert Williams hot rod art on my forearm and the other being a ring and pinion gear on my elbow. And maybe some pinups, but my problem is committing to a design.

The Faster Times: Any regrets?

John: I learned that I don’t take the color red too well. And not to be hungover when you get a tattoo.

The Faster Times: You were drunk, of course.

John: Of course. I showed up after being out drinking all night. Although I probably sobered up within 45 seconds of him drilling on me.

The Faster Times: You had a friend tattoo you, right?

John: Yeah, out of his apartment. He’d been tattooing for about two years on people. I thought he did a great job with the experience that he had, but there is touchup work that needs to be done. It is supposed to have a big bold outline but he didn’t have the proper equipment to do it.

The Faster Times: If I died, would you get a memorial tattoo of me?

John: I think so. I wouldn’t put your name, but I’d put your image. I’d put the picture I have of you stealing my cereal.

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