A Stripper’s Guide to Fitness
How to go from love-handled vacationite to Barbie megababe in ten easy steps. Why? Because your stripper job depends on it.
Allow me to introduce myself: my name is Iris Greene and I am a stripper.
For large (and occasionally insultingly modest) sums of money.
I took up this vocation over a year ago and have since graced the laps of men (and the occasional woman) in several cities across the Oceanic and North American continents.
Let me tell you something about us strippers: we need vacations. Long ones. I’ve been on one for the past six weeks, taking a break from callused palms, absurd sleeping patterns and earning mad scrilla. It is now time to accelerate to vixen velocity and get back on that pole. This requires a rigorous program I’ve haphazardly put together to get me from scraggly, twenty-something wayward daughter to bleached-out cyborg megababe in ten days. The main tasks of this program are to get my hair and nails did, lose those vacation-inspired love handles and remind myself what it means to appeal to the male demographic who love porn and hate their finance jobs.
In essence, I’ve spent the majority of the past week and a half watching Ellen in my mom’s suburban basement whilst dragging my elephant feet ever so swiftly along a treadmill.
Of course, I’ve also done some squats, eaten kale, and strutted around my apartment in six-inch plastic platforms.
Day 1: Haggard, I arrive at my mother’s suburban sanctuary. Greeted by the canine security system, our darling family pup, Nala – although hardly a pup anymore – remembers my essence and high-pitched squeals of enthusiasm, but shows few signs of excitement. She rolls over, demanding a belly rub as she does with all welcome and unwelcome guests. I find some running shoes in my Mom’s closet. They are a size too big for me. I make for the basement, turn on the TV, and find some .5 lb weights on a shelf. I set the timer for thirty minutes and get strutting on the noisiest exercise machine to grace the planet. I crank the volume of the television to ensure I don’t miss a beat of Ellen’s opening monologue. I hate running. I’d rather be doing anything else – cycling, dance classes, swimming laps – and if I hadn’t spent all my cash on plane tickets and expensive cheese maybe I’d have some scrilla to blow on Zumba classes. But I don’t. I remind myself that I’m dragging my ass on this machine so I can start spending money on cheese and plane tickets again soon. It’s been five minutes. My shoulders are slouching. I’m wheezing. Nala shows up at the front of the machine, barking. I assume she senses my weakness and, just like in the animal-hero movies, is barking at me to encourage me to pull through the burn and keep on truckin’. Like Lassie. Nala proves that this is not the case by vomiting on one of my sneakers.
The stench is too great and my breath is too short to power through the 21 minutes remaining on my work out. I step off, legs like jelly, and clean up pooch’s rancid mess.
Days 2 / 3 / 4: Nala is locked upstairs and I successfully complete my designated thirty-minute workout, being so bold to crank it to forty minutes on Day 4.
Mom: “I’m so happy you’re taking an interest in your health, honey. It inspires me to eat healthier, too.” Mother Dearest is not privy to my chosen profession – she thinks I am a penny-wise waitress. Mothers are worriers and I’d rather not give her reason to lose any more sleep at night. So instead of answering we cook from her South Beach Recipe Book, leave the wine in the cellar, and watch Bridesmaids and Moonstruck.
Day 5: Did I mention that my vacation included a visit to Burning Man, where I was inspired by hallucinatory drugs to grow forests in my armpits? Not everyone is impressed by such things; in fact, when I punched the air for maximum effect during one of the funnier parts of Bridesmaids, Mother Dearest looked over at my pits with a kind disappointment, and later placed her moustache waxing kit on the kitchen counter for me. Today is the day I would bid farewell to my Ani DiFranco sartorial senses. Adieu, chères catacombes.
Day 6: Today, all day, I am in the hair salon. I’m saying goodbye to my naturally sandy-blonde locks with their grown-out highlights and HELLO to Barbie Platinum. The stylists often refer my preferred shade as “Stripper White,” so there you go. Strip clubs are dark, you see. If you want to stand out, you need your hair to glow under the black light.
“Then what do the brunettes wear” you ask? Well, my dear disciple, they wear neon green, pink, white and orange g-strings. My fair complexion, combined with my adamant refusal to spray-tan, could never support such a palette, and so I must resort to looking somewhat like Billy Idol.
Day 7 / 8: Thanks to Groupon and free-first-class promotions found on the information superhighway, Days 7 and 8 are spent taking free spin classes at different health clubs in the sprawl surrounding Suburban Sanctuary! The thighs are firming up and the tuckus is lifting. In addition, no more wiggling round my middle while driving when I hit a gravely patch of highway.
Day 9: Today I flee the nest. Mother Dearest sends me back to New York City with a care package of health-conscious snacks like oven-roasted almonds and pears. I plan on attending a by-donation yoga class in the evening, but by the time I arrive in my new digs I just want to pass out. I may or may not have sleep-eaten the almonds.
Day 10: Clearing a space in my living room, I put on my stripper shoes and remind myself of what it feels like to have my center of gravity increased by six inches. Fortunately, I don’t fall. NIGHTFALL: I have to show up, look hot and in two songs get naked and WOW the manager with my outstanding abilities to sway, bump and grind.
The stage is my favourite place in the universe, but I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that every time before I go on I kind of want to shit my pants. Wish me luck.
Follow us on twitter@thefastertimes
- 1 Amanda Bynes’s Behavior Revealed to Be Elaborate PSA
- 2 Obama Horrified by the Grammar in Our Emails
- 3 Monster Fart Prompting Management to Rethink “Open Office”
- 4 NSA Demanded Access To Un-Filtered Instagram Photos
- 5 Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson Ambushed By Alan ‘The Paper’ Rubinstein
- 6 ‘Licensed to Kim Jong Il’ Records 27th Straight Year Atop N. Korean Charts
- 7 ‘A/S/L’ Most Asked Question At Kaplan Online University Reunion
- 8 Vice Magazine Now Only Hiring Writers Who Fail Drug Test
- 9 Stanley Cup Final One Blowout Away From “Boston Massacre” Headline Outrage
- 10 Henry Cavill to be Replaced by Stack of Pancakes in “Man of Steel” Sequel