Hulk Hogan is certain Anne Frank would have been a Hulk-A-Maniac. In an exclusive interview with The Faster Times, Hogan said he was deeply insulted by Justin Bieber’s suggestion that the famous Holocaust diarist might have been a “Belieber” had she survived Hitler’s reign of terror.

“Justin is a good kid, but he is way off on this one,” said Hogan. “Everything we know about Anne Frank suggests she would have been a balls-to-the-wall Hulk-A-Maniac.”

“What really kills me,” said Hogan, “is that Anne didn’t live long enough to see my leg drop on Andre the Giant in Wrestle Mania III.” Hogan paused to wipe the tears from his eyes. “I’m just so thankful that the Hulk-a-Mania spirit lives on her book.”

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The term “furry“ has several definitions, including people who like to role play anthropomorphic characters while wearing furry costumes and people who are sexually aroused by furry costumes.

“I’m talking about the kind that like to bone each other,” said the punter, who asked to remain anonymous.

Furries-rights supporters are hopeful such a coordinated move would further push public support toward their cause.

“This could be huge for guys like me,” said Arctic Liger Sexy Claws from the lobby of a furry fandom convention in Tallahassee. “It would show the world that we are just like everybody else when we’re not having wild orgies in panda costumes.”

The post Four NFL Mascots to Come Out as Furries on Same Day appeared first on The Faster Times.

According to Jones, Cruz’s celebratory dance begins the moment he ejaculates. “Don’t you think for a second he’s waiting around for me,” Jones said.

Cruz, for his part, says he has no intention of discontinuing his post-coital celebration. “Victor Cruz loves to celebrate,” Cruz said, breaking into his signature dance even as this reporter spoke with him.

After finishing his routine, Cruz began to encourage this reporter to join him, which he did. This reporter then immediately understood the transformational power of the salsa and now does it after sex as well — or, at least, he would if women would just learn to look beyond his severe acne and acerbic wit.

The post Girlfriend Asks Victor Cruz to Stop Doing Salsa After Intercourse appeared first on The Faster Times.

The Miami Heat traveled into the city to face the New York Knicks, and Dwyane Wade was probably right – maybe the New York Knicks shouldn’t be playing this game. The New York Marathon definitely shouldn’t be run this weekend. How can they justify the gallons of water being splashed on tired runners when millions are without running water in their homes? As half of the New York area is under water, basketball certainly takes a back seat. Still, the resources of a basketball game compared to those of a monumental undertaking with a marathon aren’t comparable. We have NBA basketball in New York tonight, so let’s make some NBA predictions for the first time this year.

As someone who was released from the hospital around six this morning because of the hurricane, I think the Knicks should be playing this game. I have power as I recover, and it gives me something to look forward to. Whether the New York Knicks can contend with the defending champs is a different question altogether. The Miami Heat are still a powerhouse, and the Knicks took a step back this offseason and never quite performed to their talent levels since bring ‘Melo and Amar’e to New York.

Miami Heat at New York Knicks (+6)

Not only did the Miami Heat return most of their championship roster, they added a hall of fame sharpshooter to the perimeter to open up their superstars. As scary as it sounds, the Miami Heat are not only the best team in the Eastern Conference (by far), but they’re also the deepest. This is no longer a question of whether LeBron James can lead a team of scrubs to victory like it was in Cleveland. It’s not even a question of whether he can deliver on a top-loaded team of superstars. The Miami Heat winning the East is more a question of whether this immensely talented roster can stay healthy – and even if they don’t it might not matter.

The Knicks failed to improve on last year’s team this offseason. What they lack in chemistry, they make up for in egos and hype. They lost arguably their most productive player when Jeremy Lin signed with the Houston Rockets and the Knicks elected not to match. The three max contracts that dominate this roster weren’t enough to compete with Miami’s “big three” last year. It’s hard to believe they’ll be able to put it all together this year, but they certainly have a lot to prove.

Carmelo Anthony needs to prove he isn’t a team-destroying diva sent to ruin New York Knicks basketball. Amar’e Stoudemire needs to stop punching fire extinguishers, stay healthy, and be a force in the paint. Role players need to step up, defense needs to become a greater focus, and coaching needs to be more consistent.

Still, I think all that is all possible this year. I don’t think the Knicks will contend over the course of the season, but I think for one night on their home court in a storm-ravaged and magical city they can hang with the Miami Heat. I don’t think they’ll necessarily win, but I love six points at home from a motivated Knicks team seeking small measures of revenge from last year’s playoff losses. They’re healthier than they were a few months ago, and they won at home in Game Four. If they score, they’ll hang with Miami (remember an embarrassing Game Three where the Knicks produced just 70 points?).

Things are far from normal in New York. For many, things may never be normal again after Hurricane Sandy devastated the area. Basketball represents something of a return to normalcy with minimal resources drawn from the city. This isn’t a marathon, this is a simple basketball game. We need to enjoy it. I’m putting my money on the Knicks, motivated by the cries of a desperate city, and ready to prove this is the year they finally meet lofty expectations.

Knicks 88 – Heat 92

The post Do the New York Knicks Have a Chance Against the Miami Heat? appeared first on The Faster Times.

The Atlanta Falcons have yet to lose this season despite their struggles on the road, but the Philadelphia Eagles never lose coming off a bye. I expect the Philadelphia Eagles to hand the Atlanta Falcons their first loss of the year in Week Eight. The Dallas Cowboys controlled the game in a Week One battle with the New York Giants, but can they find a way to win at home for the first time since Jerry Jones’ new stadium opened? Injured and struggling, they host a hot Giants team that loves playing on the road – particularly in Dallas.

Last week was particularly fantastic. Down big from the bad baseball and college football bets that come from not having hockey and being bored while drinking during the week, we recovered all our losses plus nine additional units on a 44 unit day. Not bad for desperate betting. Our 57-48 (54%) record puts us back in the territory of “sharp money” after nearly all the favorites prevailed last week. Finally, football makes sense again.

Atlanta Falcons at Philadelphia Eagles (-3)

I think this is the one. The Atlanta Falcons have struggled on the road and the Philadelphia Eagles have drastically underperformed so far this year. Coming out of a bye week where the Philadelphia Eagles never lose, and on the road where the Falcons are extremely beatable, all signs point to Philadelphia ending the Falcons’ unbeaten season.

Eagles 27 – Falcons 21

Carolina Panthers at Chicago Bears (-8)

The Bears have only allowed 78 points this season. No one else in the NFL has allowed fewer than 100. Add Cam Newton’s depressed puppy dog style of football into the mix and the Chicago Bears should dominate this one at home. These two teams are headed in completely different directions. Eight points seems more than reasonable, especially for a teaser.

Bears 34 – Panthers 10

Indianapolis Colts at Tennessee Titans (-3.5)

I was sold on the Indianapolis Colts when the week started, but true to the spirit of election season I’ve changed my mind. There is simply too much public money pouring in on the Indianapolis Colts (70% money, 60% spread). At home, on a nice little winning streak, and finally running the ball effectively, I think the Titans might be able to win this one. There’s not much value to be had, but I’m leaning towards Tennessee.

Titans 27 – Colts 21

Jacksonville Jaguars at Green Bay Packers (-14)

This spread looks like a college football game more than a legitimate NFL one. That’s probably because most of the top college quarterbacks would be a step up from the Blaine Gabbert – Chad Henne tandem the Jags have working. And to think, they could have had Tim Tebow.

Packers 53 – Jaguars 10

Miami Dolphins at New York Jets (-1)

I don’t trust the Dolphins yet. I think it’s sort of hilarious that they’re legitimately in the hunt for the division title, but it’s funny in the same way that a squirrel falling out of a tree is funny. When it limps into the woods and you realize it probably broke it’s leg and is going to die, it’s just sad. As bad as the Jets are, all four legs are sort of working. They should win this one at home. PLAY TIM TEBOW.

Jets 23 – Dolphins 17

New England Patriots (-7) Vs St. Louis Rams in England

On a neutral field I have to believe the Pats are the better team, though seven points makes me nervous. The Patriots aren’t elite this year by any means, but the Rams are pretty terrible. Tom Brady, international heartthrob, should have a big day and pick up a London girl with decent teeth for a threesome.

Side note: This is the dumbest game the NFL does. Why England? International expansion is a fool’s dream in a game where traveling coast to coast affects performance so drastically. The NFL should invade CFL cities and absorb them into the league. It’s a shame the Rams have to give up a home game for this spectacle.

Pats 37 – Rams 20

San Diego Chargers (-2) at Cleveland Browns

I think Vegas has this one wrong. 90% of the public agrees with me, though some big-money linemaker support is coming in on the Browns. I recognize that the Chargers fell apart against the Broncos, but the day a 29-year-old rookie heading a one-win team compares to Peyton Manning is the day I stop betting on football. This line is ridiculous, the Browns are ridiculously bad, and I’m biting. Sometimes the tastiest cheese is stolen from the rat trap.

I just made that up and it doesn’t make any sense, but that’s my logic on this one. Fuck Vegas, and fuck sharp money.

Chargers 31 – Browns 16

Seattle Seahawks at Detroit Lions (-1)

Can the underachieving receivers of the Detroit Lions get off the line against the big, physical cornerbacks of the Seattle Seahawks? Can Calvin Johnson stop dropping passes? Can Matthew Stafford find the accuracy that made him an elite quarterback last year? Maybe.

This pick comes down to the fact that the Seahawks are miserable on the road and traveling halfway across the country to play the Lions. I never pick the Seahawks on the road – but almost always do at home.

Lions 38 – Seahawks 31

Washington Redskins (+4.5) at Pittsburgh Steelers

Are the Washington Redskins a good team? The Steelers are great against bad teams, and bad against great teams. They seem to handle business against mediocrity as well. After last week’s competitive bout with the New York Giants, I think the Redskins might be legitimate. I don’t think the aging Steelers defense has an answer for RGIII. This might be like watching a crippled grandfather chase a toddler around a retirement home. I think the Skins can keep this one close, though public money makes me nervous here.

Redskins 27 – Steelers 28

Oakland Raiders (pick) at Kansas City Chiefs

I’ve been told by generations that came before me that this is some kind of rivalry game. For me, this is two bad teams playing bad football until someone wins. I think the Raiders are more talented than the Chiefs and I expect them to dominate the game, but can you really put any faith in a team that needed overtime to beat the Jags?

Raiders 30 – Chiefs 21

New York Giants (-1) at Dallas Cowboys

One of my favorite bets every year is that the Cowboys will beat the Giants and ruin Joe Lazauskas’ week. Week One was a glorious prediction to start our year on the right foot. Tony Romo ALWAYS plays well against the Giants, regardless of how mediocre the team around him is. I just don’t see it happening this week, as much as I want to convince myself otherwise.

Demarco Murray, lead back in a solid rotation for the Cowboys, is injured. Sean Lee, play caller and elite middle linebacker is out for the season. The Cowboys offensive line is horrible. Jason Garrett is one of the worst coaches in football. The Cowboys never win at home, particularly against the Giants. The Giants are healthy and on fire. The secondary and defense is much better than they were Week One. Tom Coughlin is one of the best coaches in football. The Giants are the best road team in football.

Giants 31 – Cowboys 28

New Orleans Saints at Denver Broncos (-6)

The Saints defense is on pace to be the worst in history. Peyton Manning is on pace to be one of the best quarterbacks in history. When it comes down to it, I see the Broncos stopping Drew Brees more consistently than the tinker tape defense that New Orleans trots out. This should be a fun one, but I don’t think the Saints have enough.

Broncos 41 – Saints 28

Season: 57-48

The post NFL Picks and Predictions Week Eight: Giants Cowboys, Falcons First Loss, Pats in London appeared first on The Faster Times.

It was almost too boring. The Miami Heat were all set to dominate the East for years while the Oklahoma City Thunder ruled the West. The Los Angeles Lakers, coming off a very pedestrian season, decided someone had to give them a challenge. The Lakers acquired Steve Nash and Dwight Howard and suddenly lept to the top of most NBA preseason predictions for the Western Conference. Not ours, though, as we trust the chemistry and dynamic ability of the defending Western Conference champs. In what has been the far more competitive conference in recent years, where does the rest of the Western Conference fall in line?

1. Oklahoma City Thunder – They return a balanced and talented roster, as well as the confidence that comes from a deep playoff run. Add the bitter taste of championship defeat to the mix and the Thunder will be as motivated as ever. As the Lakers take some time to learn how to use their new pieces (see their 0-8 preseason start), the Thunder will run away with the conference.

2. Los Angeles Lakers – I’m torn. I want to see Steve Nash get a championship, but I don’t really want to see Kobe Bryant add another ring to his rape closet (I assume that’s where he keeps them all – an empty room with a wooden desk chair and his championship rings). I don’t care very much about Dwight Howard, and assume his championship is inevitable when he joins Chris Paul, LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh in Miami on the veteran minimum in a couple years.

3. San Antonio Spurs – I don’t care how old they are – this division is as mediocre as Tim Duncan is experienced.

4. Dallas Mavericks – Dirk got his championship, Mark Cuban has his relaxed-fit sneaker deal, and everyone’s happy in Dallas.

5. Los Angeles Clippers – The Clippers have a couple superstars and were competitive last season. Unfortunately, the Lakers have moved on since David Stern blocked a trade to the good LA team, and the Clippers won’t compete in this division in 2012.

6. Houston Rockets – Imagine owning a small strip club in Reno. You inexplicably have your most talented stripper tending the bar. She leaves and becomes a famous stripper in Las Vegas. You then hire her back for 12 times what you were originally paying her. This is the Jeremy Lin story – porn parody edition.

7. Golden State Warriors – The Warriors have something of a “big three” of their own. They’re the JV Miami Heat.

8. Minnesota Timberwolves – I love Kevin Love.

9. Denver Nuggets – Carmelo Anthony seems to derail every team he goes to, regardless of how talented they are. He’s the T.O. of basketball. Still, it took the 49ers a few years to recover from his exit and the Philadelphia Eagles still haven’t won a championship. The Nuggets are like a post-T.O. NFL team.

10. Utah Jazz – I honestly cannot name a single player on the Jazz, but they always seem to be relatively competitive. Why not 10th? That seems reasonable enough.

11. Portland Trail Blazers – Imagine if Greg Oden panned out. Or Brandon Roy.

12. Memphis Grizzlies – The bottom of the west is an absolute mess. Anything can happen, but pretty much all of these teams are going to miss the playoffs.

13. Phoenix Suns – I have had more sex with girls in Phoenix than any other city in the world. True story. Still, without Steve Nash, the Suns are in real trouble.

14. New Orleans Hornets – Mardi Gras is February 12th this year. By then, the Hornets will likely be eliminated from playoff contention.

15. Sacramento Kings – When a commissioner at the end of his career on a trade-vetoing power trip says you’ll be banished to Seattle, things are bad. Get ready for Starbucks, rain, and Twilight vampires.

The post NBA Preseason Predictions 2012 – Western Conference: Lakers or Thunder appeared first on The Faster Times.

The Houston Texans, New York Giants, Chicago Bears and San Francisco 49ers have been impressive as they battle for the top spot in our NFL power rankings Week Eight. The Atlanta Falcons are still unbeaten, but our esteemed panel of football experts inexplicably has them second in our NFL Power Rankings. Personally, I think they forgot about them after a bye. Parity has ruled the NFL thus far, but last week the better teams finally prevailed. Enjoy the ride as we welcome a few new writers to our football power rankings and celebrate an incredibly successful week of predictions.

1. Houston Texans (6-1): At this point, they look like a lock for the AFC’s top-seed, but don’t rule out the possibility that they get bored wrecking everyone they meet around week 10 and negotiate a trade to a tougher division and conference. With the Cowboys flagging, I could see them replacing Dallas as the inexplicable Texas team in the NFC East, and Jerry Jones would love to have a crack at the Jaguars and Titans twice a year. –Matt

2. Atlanta Falcons (6-0): Atlanta is kind of like that hot girl who always hangs out with three ugly chicks. The hot girl goes away for a week and people start thinking the three friends might not be so bad, but then she comes back and everyone goes, “What the fuck was I thinking?” – Jordan

3. New York Giants (5-2): Since Eli Mannign is such a notorious prankster, what are the odds that he set up a Google alert on Peyton’s computer for the phrases “Eli Most Clutch Manning” and “Eli Most Clutch QB” that Peyton can’t figure out how to turn off? 10-1? 5-1? – Joe

4. Chicago Bears (5-1): Jay Cutler to Brandon Marshall in Chicago proves that the Denver Broncos don’t know how to hold onto winning talent. When Tim Tebow ends up reunited with Josh McDaniels in New England, we’ll have more proof. – Mark

5. San Francisco 49ers (5-2): Jim Harbaugh wore the Braveheart facepaint last week and rallied his boys for a big division win after taking that beating from the Giants. The Niners can scream, “Freedom” in their moment of glory in January, but proud defiance won’t stop Eli Manning from cutting off their head. – Jack

6. Green Bay Packers (4-3): After a blown call led to a stunning loss to the Seahawks and the Colts somehow stole an upset, the Packers have been an un-Luck-y 4-3 to say the least. Convincing wins against the Bears and Texans probably represent this team more accurately, but a third-place spot in the NFC North is about as upside-down as the new Clay Matthews Gillette commercials. – Mark

7. New England Patriots (4-3): The Patriots almost lost to the Jets, which proves even the Miami Dolphins have a shot to win this division. On the bright side, the trade deadline is about to pass so Wes Welker will likely be on the team at least until they cut him. – Mark

8. Denver Broncos (3-3): If our existence really is just a video game, as some scientists speculate, then whomever was playing as the Chargers during the Broncos incredilble Monday Night comeback did a whole lot of mescaline at halftime. – Joe

9. Baltimore Ravens (5-2): Poor Joe Flacco’s been having night terrors. I don’t know what J.J. Watt is being for Halloween, but last Sunday he and the Texans’ D were haunting the Ravens like Freddie fucking Krueger. Hey Cam Cameron,ever played skin the cat? – Jack

10. Minnesota Vikings (5-2): The Vikings have been a pleasant surprise this year, but so were the Arizona Cardinals before they fell apart over the last three weeks. The Vikings very well could be as real as President Obama’s high school transcripts and birth certificate, but I, like Donald Trump, want a little more proof from this team before I call them legitimate. – Mark

11. Seattle Seahawks (4-3): Apparently their 12th man keeps missing the bus. – Jack Editor’s Note: You know they’re 3-0 at home, right? – Mark

12. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-3): The terrible towels only seem to wave anymore when the Steelers are playing terrible teams. With a second half schedule chalk full of softies, the Steelers just might have what it takes to lose at Denver again in the first round of the playoffs. – Jack

13. Washington Redskins (3-4): Enjoy it now, Skins fans. Snyder is bound to get drunk and do something crazy like trade RGIII for a night eating matzah ball soup off the Cowboys cheerleaders and a framed photo of Jerry Jones giving Tony Saragusa a sponge bath. – Joe

14. Dallas Cowboys (3-3): If the aforementioned trade to the Redskins doesn’t work out, Jerry Jones would be wise to get a Twitter account and start drunk DMing with Jim Irsay until Andrew Luck is on a plane to Dallas in exchange for 12 albino little people on plaster ponies. – Joe

15. Philadelphia Eagles (3-3): In honor of Andy Reid finally firing an offensive line coach from the job of Defensive Coordinator, I’m going to stop going to my Chinatown 7-11 cashier for therapy. It’s been a great 18 months, Juan, but those taquitos just aren’t filling the void in my life anymore. – Joe

16. San Diego Chargers (3-3): I can’t wait until Norv’s press conference after the Chargers’ inexplicable (but totally predictable) blowout loss to the Browns, where Norv stares out at the reporters with a look that says, “AJ Smith wasn’t kidding when he said he was going just leave me in Cleveland this time, was he?” – Joe

17. Miami Dolphins (3-3): Reggie Bush’s fall from Kardashian grace has him motivated once again. If the Fins can keep him away from South Beach celebs, they’ve got a legitimate chance to stay right around .500. – Mark

18. New Orleans Saints (2-4): What’s the difference between the Saints D and a bucket of shit? The bucket doesn’t get fined by Roger Goodell. – Jordan

19. Cincinnati Bengals (3-4): Unfortunately for the Bengals, they don’t play the Cleveland Browns 6 times this year. Maybe with another thirty-seven seasons under his belt, Marvin Lewis will finally be able to bring the AFC North title back home to Kentucky, where it belongs. – Matt

20. Indianapolis Colts (3-3): The win last week puts them in the hunt for one of the AFC’s wildcard spots, but it has to hurt a little that their rookie sensation was outplayed by a guy on Medicare. –Matt

21. New York Jets (3-4): Only three people showed up to Tim Tebow’s Bible Study on Saturday night, choosing instead to attend a high school party with Mark Sanchez. That’s probably why they lost to the Pats. – Mark

22. Arizona Cardinals (4-3): If these past three weeks have been a disaster, the next two will be a Michael Bay movie. With games against the Niners and Packers in consecutive weeks, Gov. Jan Brewer is declaring a state of emergency and pushing through legislation that every illegal alien detained must help the Cardinals’ O-line protect Kevin Kolb. Even in Arizona, amnesty is gaining popularity. – Jack

23. St. Louis Rams (3-4): Amazingly Sam Bradford hasn’t broken his shoulder, pelvis, or back yet this season. Seriously, when was the last time this guy was healthy enough to pull a twenty pound turkey out of the oven on Thanksgiving? Let’s just hope that on turkey day he’s very careful. – Jack

24. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-4): Vincent Jackson showed off his Gabourey Sidibe speed on that 95-yard catch before Malcolm Jenkins ran him down, the Bucs turned the ball over on downs, and they wound up losing by a TD. Greg Schiano is still a douchebag. Some would call that karma. – Jordan

25. Tennessee Titans (3-4): The trade deadline is October 30th,! Move him! Move him! –Matt

26. Detroit Lions (2-4): It seems lobbing inaccurate passes in the general vicinity of a triple-covered Calvin Johnson no longer works in Detroit. It also isn’t working for my fantasy team. Or Joe’s. This sucks. – Mark

27. Carolina Panthers (1-5): Entries into the suggestion box: stop throwing the ball 40 times per game, stop having tiny ears that are upside down, stop making the Cowboys look competent. And finally, be glad you aren’t Blaine Gabbert. – Jordan

28. Oakland Raiders (2-4): The Raiders play 5 of their next 6 games against teams with a losing record, and 8 of their final 10 games against teams that are .500 or worse. Get excited to bet against an 8-8 Raiders team in the Wildcard Round! – Joe

29. Buffalo Bills (3-4): 93% of why we ranked the Bills so low this week is because they lost to the Titans on the last play of the game last week, ruining a nearly perfect day of football picks from Joe and I. Fuck Buffalo. The other 7% is that they’re just awful. – Mark

30. Cleveland Browns (1-6): Going by their record, the Browns are the worst team in the league. But things aren’t all that bad in Cleveland… I mean, it’s almost basketball season. – Jack

31. Kansas City Chiefs (1-5): I don’t know how you make a choice like “Brady Quinn vs. Matt Cassel” sober, but I can’t imagine Romeo Crennel getting intoxicated any way other than injecting pureed pizza into his veins, so I can only imagine that Brady Quinn is starting because Romeo Crennel was high on a Hawaiian pizza. That or Brady did his patented pec muscle dance. – Joe

32. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-5):When your starter and backup quarterbacks combine for 17 completions on 32 passes for 110 yards and a touchdown that’s bad. When that performance is the second best outing of the season, that’s a disaster. –Matt

The post NFL Power Rankings Week Eight: Are Vikings For Real? Will Falcons Lose? appeared first on The Faster Times.

Last year’s NBA season was immensely profitable and predictable. A Miami Heat Vs Oklahoma City Thunder NBA championship meant all the amateur gamblers that picked the two best teams in basketball to make the finals won. I was one such gambler. This year, the Lakers have reloaded and the West will be much more competitive. The East looks very similar to last year (with the exception of the New Jersey Nets moving to Brooklyn). Can anyone catch the Miami Heat? Can anyone even compete with them? Are the New York Knicks even a good basketball team? In this 2012 NBA Season Preview for the Eastern Conference, we lay out the final standings by year’s end in a power rankings scheme.

Atlantic Division:

1. Miami Heat: LeBron James had one of the greatest postseasons in history and finally got his ring. With the pressure off, will he actually take a step back? The Heat are the best team in this conference by far. As long as they stay hungry, there isn’t a team in the East that can even compete with their talent level, athleticism, and balance. Playing in the weakest division in basketball doesn’t hurt either.

2. Chicago Bulls: Injuries derailed the Bulls last season, but they’re still the deepest team in the Eastern Conference. They lack the top-end talent that the Miami Heat have, but chemistry and depth will carry them to another excellent season.

3. New York Knicks: I don’t think the Knicks are that good. They invested their maximum contracts poorly, have a team with limited chemistry, and lost arguably their most productive player when Jeremy Lin went to Houston. Still, the Atlantic is so mediocre, they might actually compete for a division title. Why not?

4. Boston Celtics: They’re old and they’ve lost pieces, but they still have the best healthy point guard in the conference. That should be enough for another playoff berth, but the Boston Celtics have their work cut out for them if they’re going to catch the Knicks in this division.

5. Philadelphia 76ers: Andrew Bynum is quite a commodity and the 76ers got a steal this offseason. Built from the inside out, young and talented, the 76ers will be even better than last year. They’re scrappy, and they’re headed to the playoffs again this year.

6. Brooklyn Nets: The middle of the NBA pack is so terrible, that a new arena and some superstar talent could propel the Nets to a playoff berth. Mostly, it would be awesome if the Nets could draw the Knicks in the first round. It’s a competitively mediocre division and conference, so a 6 Vs 3 matchup is certainly possible.

7. Indiana Pacers: Roy Hibbert could help the Pacers compete this year and hold off the bottom of the conference. The big man gives them a consistency that will make the Pacers a slightly above .500 playoff team with the right complementary pieces.

8. Atlanta Hawks: They lost Joe Johnson to the Nets, but playing in a miserable division could keep the Hawks in the hunt just long enough to sneak into the playoffs.

9. Milwaukee Bucks – There’s something about this team where they always seem to fall short. Why should this year be any different?

10. Cleveland Cavaliers – It’s funny, but the Cavs have actually assembled a pretty decent roster. They could be competitive this year.

11. Toronto Raptors – Remember when Vince Carter and Tracy McGrady played here? How long until Il Mago brings the excitement back to Canada?

12. Washington Wizards – John Wall is solid, but the rest of this team is a disaster. Things could have been different in DC if Gilbert Arenas didn’t love playing with guns so much.

13. Detroit Pistons – Is Rip Hamilton still on this team? Ben Wallace? The guy who yells “DEEEETROIIIIT BASSSKEEETBBALLLL”?

14. Orlando Magic – No Dwight Howard – no chance. Let the rebuilding efforts begin.

15. Charlotte Bobcats – This team is so bad that if Michael Jordan came down from the owner’s box to play again, he’d be one of the best three players on the court.

The post 2012 NBA Eastern Conference Preview: Can Anyone Catch the Miami Heat? appeared first on The Faster Times.

RIVALRY GAMES: I don’t think the Jets have a chance in hell at beating the Patriots, even if Tim Tebow takes over at quarterback. The Giants are heavy favorites at home, but RGIII is scary and New York is better on the road. It could be a dark weekend for New York if the Giants don’t handle business – The Rangers are locked out, Alex Rodriguez is still a Yankee, the Jets are doomed, and the Giants have to win a home game as heavy favorites.

Arizona Cardinals at Minnesota Vikings (-6.5)

Adrian Peterson hasn’t found the endzone since Week One, but he’s carrying the Vikings to their surprising start. He consistently gets 100 yards and balances the offense, allowing Christian Ponder to “manage the game”. The defense has surprised, and Percy Harvin might be the most complete player in football. If they can stay committed to the run against a VERY capable Cardinals defense, they’ll outlast the Cardinals.

The Cardinals have a backup quarterback in after Kevin Kolb’s ribs detached from his body. The difference in this game will be the mediocrity of the Arizona offense. The Cardinals don’t run the ball well, and they’ll be forced to throw with John Skelton. I like the Vikings’ chances here. Add to it that more than 90% of public money is coming in on the Cardinals to pull off the upset as of Friday, and I don’t mind siding with Vegas on this one.

Vikings 34 – Cardinals 20

Baltimore Ravens at Houston Texans (-6.5)

The Ravens are a good team, but I have serious questions about their ability to rebound from a very physical game with the Dallas Cowboys. Ray Lewis and Lardarius Webb are out for the season, Heloti Ngata has MCL damage in his knee, and the Cowboys ran all over Baltimore after failing to run a balanced offense since Week One. The Texans just got trounced by the Packers. I think they’ll bounce back against a wounded Ravens team, possibly in a shootout.

Texans 31 – Ravens 21

Cleveland Browns at Indianapolis Colts (-1)

I don’t like the idea of the Browns on the road, particularly with an injured Trent Richardson. A rookie quarterback, no receiving threats, and a very capable Indianapolis Colts offense could spell disaster for the Browns, fresh off an adorable little win. Indy is the better team, and Luck is on their side.

Colts 30 – Browns 20

Dallas Cowboys (-2) at Carolina Panthers

Everyone needs to lay off my boy Tony Romo. Time management is on Jason Garrett, not Romo. Play calling is on Jason Garrett, not Romo. Dropped passes, tipped interceptions, and sacks are not on Tony Romo. Last week’s loss ironically proved that with a capable rushing attack, a balanced offense, and decent protection Tony Romo can lead the Cowboys to victory over an elite NFL team. That said, Dez Bryant is an incredible disappointment so far, Jason Witten may be fading, and DeMarco Murray is injured. This offense has major questions, and the spread seems like a trap.

Still, the Dallas Cowboys own the Carolina Panthers. They’ve won the last eight regular season games between these two teams. Expect a heavy dose of the running back platoon that tore the Ravens apart, and the Cowboys’ #2 ranked defense to contain a struggling Cam Newton offense. This could be tight and the Cowboys are on the road, but I like Dallas consistency over Carolina volatility with a two-point spread.

Cowboys 24 – Panthers 20

Green Bay Packers (-5) at St. Louis Rams

The idea of this high-powered passing attack taking to the turf of St. Louis is frightening. The Rams offense is extremely mediocre, they’re missing their best receiving weapon, and they don’t match up well with the Packers. Steven Jackson could have a big day and keep the Rams in it, but it’s only a matter of time before Aaron Rodgers opens this one up.

Packers 35 – Rams 24

New Orleans Saints (-1) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Bounty-gate Vs Kneel-Down-Gate. The only fitting ending to this one is with a Saints win and a key Bucs injury on the final kneel down. I know the Saints have been horrible this year, but I’m ready to forgive. They’ve got this one.

Saints 42 – Bucs 21

Tennessee Titans at Buffalo Bills (-3.5)

The Bills are the more dynamic offense and home, so we’ll pick Buffalo. Both teams are pretty terrible, both teams have misleading running games lately that make you think they can win a game, both teams have mediocre quarterbacks, but only one team is home. This is a nonsense football game that I want nothing to do with in the end.

Bills 28 – Titans 24

Washington Redskins at New York Giants (-6.5)

Last week I picked against the Giants and changed my mind last minute based on the mood of the bar I was in. This week, I’ll be in a Redskins bar, in New York City. It looks like I’ll get no help from my location in making this pick. The Giants scare me as heavy favorites. They failed to cover a 7.5 spread against the Bucs, and the Redskins are a volatile and dynamic offense. Still, the Giants have looked good lately. It’s hard to imagine the Redskins coming into New York and toppling the defending champs.

Giants 28 – Redskins 17

Jacksonville Jaguars at Oakland Raiders (-4)

The Raiders are the more talented team. They have a better defense, probably have a better quarterback, and have an elite running back that can cancel out the only offensive weapon of the Jags. Overall, Oakland is a decent team with a horrible record. They’re dysfunctional and hard to trust, but they’re much better than the Jags. If they come to play in one of the craziest stadiums in football, they’ll win.

Raiders 28 – Jaguars 10

New York Jets at New England Patriots (-10.5)

The Jets really are as bad as we think. They play well against mediocre teams, but they’re getting crushed by top teams. The Patriots are much better than the Jets, they’re angry, they’re home. I don’t think this one will be close.

Patriots 49 – Jets 3

Pittsburgh Steelers (-1) at Cincinnati Bengals

Are the Bengals any good? I know the Steelers are old, unreliable, and injured, but does it matter against the Bengals? Cincy literally just lost to the Cleveland Browns. I think the Steelers win this pick’em game despite unflattering road statistics.

Steelers 24 – Bengals 13

SEASON: 49-44

The post Week Seven NFL Picks and Predictions: Giants Redskins, Jets Pats appeared first on The Faster Times.

If I lose on one more Seattle Seahawks Hail Mary I’m going to seduce and murder a Seattle Seahawks cheerleader. Russell Wilson hit me with another last-minute loss last week when he threw a 50-yard bomb with a minute left to beat the New England Patriots. The Seattle Seahawks got us on the infamous Monday Night Football game against Green Bay, too. I guess I have trouble learning my lessons because I’m going with the San Francisco 49ers and their mediocre quarterback to beat the Seattle Seahawks’ rookie quarterback who only throws touchdowns in the final minutes of games I have the spread covered in.

Seattle Seahawks at San Francisco 49ers (-7)

Alex Smith is the nerdy kid on the chess team that eats lunch alone and talks to imaginary friends. Then, one day, almost entirely out of pity, you let him eat with you and the cool kids. Alex Smith isn’t all that bad on this particular day, so you begin to think the whole world has it all wrong. Then he sits with you every single day the rest of the semester and you realize that everyone was right.

As much as you want to root for this guy, Alex Smith is just not a good quarterback. He had one season where he didn’t get in the way all that much, but this year he is once again the problem. The San Francisco 49ers have receiving weapons, but he consistently misses them. They have a rushing attack, but Alex Smith’s incompletions kill drives. He’s fumbled four times, thrown four interceptions, and averages just over 200 yards passing. With a capable quarterback, the 49ers might be undefeated.

It seems the 49ers are always one position player away from winning the Super Bowl. Last year, they lacked a kick returner who didn’t fumble. This year, they lack a quarterback that can win games. Still, as bad as Alex Smith is at throwing, it might not matter because the Seattle Seahawks are bad at everything on the road.

The San Francisco 49ers might have the best defense in football. They should be able to shut down Marshawn Lynch and make the Seattle Seahawks offense one-dimensional. I don’t like Russell Wilson’s chances throwing on the 49ers defense.

The 49ers are coming off an embarrassing loss to the New York Giants at home where they were a seven point favorite. This team is too good to come out unprepared and flat two weeks in a row at home. With an overachieving divisional rival on tap for a national audience, I like the 49ers to dominate this game. Frank Gore is good enough to run on the Seattle Seahawks, and Alex Smith should bounce back. He’s bad, but he’s not bad enough to lead the 49ers to a 4-3 start.

I like a teaser here: 49ers -1, Over 32.

I also like the 49ers to win convincingly.

49ers 28 – Seahawks 17

Season: 48-44

The post Thursday Night Football, NFL Picks and Predictions 10/18: Seahawks 49ers appeared first on The Faster Times.