NFL Free Agency: Brandon Marshall Traded, Vincent Jackson Signs

Brandon Marshall has been traded to the Bears after Peyton Manning said he has milk breath and/or he beat the shit out of a woman at a club in Manhattan. The Bears were apparently aware of the milk breath/beatdown, and got him for pretty much nothing. A blue chip receiver for two 3^rd round draft picks is a steal, and Miami has already paid up most of his guaranteed money.

Also, Marshall and Jay Cutler have the magical chemistry of two people who hate everything, especially themselves. Their unshakable desire to be unconditionally loved and universally despised at the same time leads to a telepathic connection that is a one-way ticket to touchdown town. If they win a Super Bowl together, Disney will fund “Brian’s Song 2: JayMarshalypse” and Lars Von Trier will direct it.

Another big wideout was signed to a new contract. Vincent Jackson, the “Fantasy Football Team Torpedo,” will take the field with Josh Freeman next season, which is perfect because now both of them can wreck my weeks at the same time. Guess whose starting QB and WR just netted him -2 points? This guy. Was anyone more disappointing than the Bucs last season?

Speaking of the Redskins, they signed Pierre Garcon. I didn’t know they had any money left. There’s a been plenty of speculation about why they surrendered 3 first round draft picks and their first born sons to make the leap for RG3. My thought is they knew the bullshit $36 million cap hit was coming, so they’d be out of race for Matt Flynn and Peyton Manning. They see a franchise quarterback in Griffin, and the rookie pay scale makes him a dirt-cheap franchise quarterback, so they jumped at him.

Of course the Browns weren’t going down without a fight and started making offers that only a crazy person would match. Danny Snyder is a crazy person though, and he tossed more picks at the Rams than anyone thought he had. I’m pretty sure he threw the 2^nd rounder on the table just to prove that he would. God damn, Robert Griffin is screwed. At least he has a top-10 number two wide receiver to help out.

Also, in a surprise move, the 49ers picked up a washed out Hall of Famer that isn’t Peyton Manning. No, not Brett Fare. It’s RANDY! Perfect move for NFC West champs. That locker room will eat up Randy Moss’ craziness. Imagine…

Randy Moss: This food is shit. I wouldn’t feed it to my dog.

Alex Smith: You’re shit, I wouldn’t feed you to my dog.

Patrick Willis: Your mom is shit! I wouldn’t feed her to my dog.

Jim Harbaugh: Hey! Cut that out! Alex’s mom is a classy lady!

Willis: How would you know?

Jim: She made me PANCAKES after I FUCKED HER UP THE BUTT!

[raucous laughter, high fives]

With Michael Crabtree and Randy Moss, their receiver core remains bad-but-not-as-bad-as-the-Browns, so they may need to pull some strings on draft day. It could be worse though. They could’ve signed TO.

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