An Open Letter to Jeremy Lin re: A Potential Date With Kim Kardashian
Word is Kim Kardashian’s publicist has set up a date for her with Jeremy Lin. I wish I could have a conversation with Lin about this, but the prospect of that happening these days is unlikely. So, I did what everyone does now when they want to tell a famous person or entity something when they can’t personally speak with them. I wrote him an open letter on the Internet.
Dear Mr. Lin,
That was weird just now, calling you “Mister,” because we’re about the same age and we’re kind of similar. For instance: we both graduated from college in 2010, and we both had eight turnovers during basketball games this week. Yours occurred at Madison Square Gardem, while my errant passes were lobbed at a YMCA, but still.
I bet calling this past month a “period of extreme excitement for you” is an understatement. If it’s true you now have the opportunity to go on a date with Kim Kardashian, I’m sure that didn’t do anything to really diminish the perpetual feeling of glee you’re probably experiencing. I’d be excited about that, too. Getting a sudden shot at a beautiful woman who would not have acknowledged your mere existence weeks ago is cool stuff, even if it’s only happening because you’re really good at basketball. I can empathize: I once turned a few heads via a hot shooting streak I had going into the 2006 Western Pennsylvania Interscholastic Athletic League playoffs. Not long after said streak began, I had some unexpected and Freddy-Mercury-fist-pump-inspiring romantic success with an older woman. I’d be lying to myself if I said the two probably weren’t related. See? Similarities, Jeremy.
Anyway, I’m writing to give some unsolicited advice that you will probably not read or consider, but here it is: you should absolutely go on this date. I’m sure this is a decision you made as soon as Kardashian’s publicist contacted you. I mean, it’s weird that Kim didn’t contact you personally—I equate that to some elementary school romance dynamic, where a girl is too shy to express her affections and instead chills nonchalantly at the top of the monkey bars while her friend approaches the dude leaning all cool against the backstop and is like, “Kimmy wants to hold your hand.” By the time you reach age 31, I feel like you should probably be able to set up your own dates, but I digress.
Go on the date, Jeremy, but don’t start dating her. Pursuing this in the long term would be a mistake, and if you get all lovesick over Kim it might affect your ability to contribute to the restoration of quality basketball in New York.
I take it as a given, judging by your recent athletic performance, that you are a man who is apt at seizing unique opportunities. You have one of those here, Jeremy, that could expand your increasingly mythological status as an OG to realms beyond the hardwood. You have the opportunity to go on a date with Kim Kardashian. You can take her out to a nice seafood dinner and never call her again. You can pull the hit-and-quit on a woman who is, or was, completely out of your league, if that’s what you want to do. (It has recently come to my attention that you’re devoutly religious, so maybe you don’t want to “hit that,” but you could still go out with her.) You know she’s probably down for it, since the roots of her celebrity status are firmly based on the fact that she made a sex tape with Brandy’s brother.
Then, when you’re bothered by the press about Kardashian almost immediately after the public photos of the two of you together are released, tell them some shit like, “We had fun, but I just wasn’t really much into her. She’s not my type. I mean, come on—I went to Harvard. I am wicked smart, and, I don’t want to be mean, but Kim just doesn’t even know what the Pythagorean Theorem is.” Feel free to add also something like, “And physically, we just weren’t compatible. She’s just one of those girls who thinks I’m supposed to do all the work, and you know, my first commitment right now is to the New York Knicks. I can’t wear myself out. I guess she also doesn’t know what ‘quid pro quo‘ means.”
Headlines would read something like “Lin Executes Kim-and-Run,” or “No CunniLINgus For Kim.”
The Kardashians are kind of like a car wreck that we can’t look away from. One we keep passing by again and again, perpetually, and when we’re trying to forget about it the ongoing and all-encompassing media coverage steps in to prevent a reprieve. I think Kim Kardashian will probably ruin the life and steal the soul of any man she spends a lot of time with. She’s not someone you would want to date, really, or marry. I think this is readily apparent if you’ve been exposed to her show or any of her almost completely public life. I assume you have, Jeremy, because shit, we all have. She’s vapid, man. It’s been publicly put on display. With her, you don’t even have to go through that step where you troll her Facebook profile as part of the vetting process for whether you would want to make her your lasting mate, checking for deal breakers like Nickelback being listed as a favorite artist, or some quote about how if you can’t handle her at her worst, you don’t deserve her at her best.
You know what I’m talking about. We all do that Facebook thing now.
You already know that Kim is not an inherently good person. That doesn’t mean, however, that you and me wouldn’t both write bad checks to do things like kiss her, go under the shirt and over the bra, et. al. I’m not proud of this, but it’s how I feel, and I don’t think I’m the only male in the world who feels that way.
So get it in, Jeremy. Go out that one time, and then reject her afterward. Send a message to the world that Jeremy Lin is a man who looks for women who aren’t just looks and no substance. Show the world that Jeremy Lin is a sophisticated baller even when he’s not playing basketball. Keep building that legacy.
But also, brace yourself. Knowledge that a person refuses to pay attention to her is Kim Kardashian’s Achilles Heel, and she won’t be able to stand it. She and her people and TMZ will start showing up everywhere, and you’ll have to run. Run for your fucking life. But I think you can handle that—you’re a point guard for a squad helmed by Mike D’Antoni. You run for a living on the court, so run for a living off it, too. Jeremy Lin: New York Knick, 24/7.
All the best,
P.S. Sorry Steve Novak beat you to the post three-pointer Discount Double-Check.
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