Following a marathon Game One of the Stanley Cup Final that ended in triple overtime, editors everywhere were relieved that “Boston Massacre” headlines were avoided for at least another day.

Contributing hockey writer for the New York Post, David Satriano, expressed his relief in a 2AM phone interview with TFT after Andrew Shaw kneed in the game-winner.

“My biggest worry about this series is, and will continue to be, the possible backlash from insensitive headlines. I’d much rather see corny nonsense like ‘Shaw-Shank Redemption’ or ‘See-Shaw Battle’ than something risqué in the event of a blowout.”

“The scariest thing about it,” he continued, “is that it doesn’t matter who wins. Boston could massacre the competition, or simply be massacred…”

In an overly sensitive, politically correct world, recalling one of the bloodiest symbols of the American Revolution could have disastrous results. Fortunately, the teams are so evenly matched that Satriano’s greatest fears will likely never be realized.

Anchored by some of the hottest goaltending in the NHL, and carried by their depth, the Boston Bruins should be able to keep games close with the Blackhawks, despite a crushing loss in Game One where Boston blew a two-goal lead. As the big offensive weapons of the Blackhawks struggle, don’t be surprised if the Bruins rebound quickly and grind out a series victory in six.

Let’s just hope they don’t win by too large a margin.

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With the NFL Draft over and training camp still almost two months away, the hosts of NFL AM—the NFL Network’s daily four-hour live studio show—are becoming increasingly desperate for an NFL player, coach, or even GM to tweet a dick pic or something.

“If we’re lucky, we have about four minutes of actual news,” explained co-host Nicole Zaloumis, “and then we’re hunkering down for three hours and 56 minutes of total fluff. I mean, we’ve had six different segments about whether Eli Manning is underrated in the last two weeks alone. It’s getting bad.”

“It really makes you yearn for the days of Brett Favre retiring and un-retiring while sending shots of his tiny penis to unsuspecting girls,” added co-host Eric Davis. “Brett really understood what we needed and delivered.”

But with Favre in quiet retirement, the NFL AM hosts are frantically praying that someone picks up the slack.

“Even if it was just Vince Young getting photographed shirtless at another homoerotic, tequila-soaked brodown, that would be a step in the right direction,” said Davis.

Co-host Steve Wyche explained that though the show’s sad, football-addicted audience clearly didn’t care about quality content, it was a matter of self-respect.

“If we have to resort to reading inane tweets that people sent us for 40 minutes again,” Wyche said, “I’m gonna go back to being a fluffer for Chris Berman.”

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Despite a rough start to the 2013 playoffs, Shaquille O’Neil is confident he will eventually contribute a funny quip to a TNT broadcast.

So far O’Neil has focused on repeatedly saying “Bird Man” in a weird voice and finding clips of bad passes for “Shaqtin’ a Fool.”

“I knew coming in it would be tough to contribute,” said O’Neil. “But I’m not giving up. I spent the entire off-season working on my quips with Charles, and it is bound to happen for me.”

Charles Barkley, for his part, says he simply doesn’t get it. “Why can’t he just say one damn funny thing?” Barkley said. “Even Ernie says something funny now and then. Ernie Johnson can’t be funnier than you. That’s just not right.” Barkley shook his head. “Shaqtin’ a Fool? I’m sorry but that’s just dumb.”

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“I couldn’t hide it any longer,” Watson announced at a press conference early Monday morning, wearing what until today would have been a very uncharacteristic shorts, Red Sox shirt and backwards baseball cap outfit. “I’ve been living a lie, and it’s time to come forward. I’m straight.”

The announcement took many by surprise. Even Kitty Kennedy, Watson’s long-time pairs skating partner, was shocked. “There was one time,” Kennedy said, “during Beijing, when I caught him reading Maxim, but I just assumed it was Olympic nerves. Still, I’m so happy that he feels comfortable enough to do this.”

Watson has said the reactions so far have been mostly positive. “I hope my actions today inspire other skaters to come forward. This is 2013, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to be with a woman.”

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“It’s no surprise home teams have won 56% of puck battles when a fan starts banging on the glass,” said Melrose during a 28-second hockey segment on last night’s SportsCenter.

Melrose first noticed this phenomenon while coaching the Tampa Bay Lightning. The Bolts won just five of his 16 games behind the bench before being fired. “We didn’t have that one crazy ass fan banging on the glass, and I think it showed in our performance,” Melrose explained with disdain. “We had this one little kid who would give it a shot, but the world hadn’t yet stripped him of everything in his life but hockey, so his level of fury was pretty inadequate.”

In the playoffs, the effects seem to be magnified. Former front-row glass banger and ex-Philadelphia Flyers season ticket holder Adam Miller knows what it’s like to impact a game. “During our playoff run in 2010, I was the guy banging on the glass for Philadelphia,” recalls Miller. “My glass banging got us to the finals, and we were unbeaten on home ice going into Game Six. But then it all changed.”

As Patrick Kane skated into the zone for a tough-angle shot from the corner in overtime, Miller froze up as he contemplated whether to bang on the glass. As the puck squirted in, Miller knew he might have cost the Flyers a championship.

Soon after, Miller’s girlfriend left him after she witnessed the superior skill of the Bruins fan banging on that liquor store fridge in the Coors Light commercial. Soon after, Miller gave up glass banging for good, and his Flyers haven’t made the playoffs since.

Unfortunately, Melrose’s segment ended abruptly when he was asked about the best glass bangers he’d ever seen and digressed into an uncomfortable anecdote about two strippers and a bong in Thailand.

Image via Bleacher Report

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For the number of times Philadelphia Eagles fans saw the back of Nnamdi Asomugha’s jersey chasing a wide receiver heading to the endzone, it follows that they would at least remember how to spell his last name. A recent poll of Eagles season ticket holders, however, suggests many claim to have been too drunk the past two years to remember the high-profile cornerback much at all. In a recent survey, 88% of season ticket holders failed to spell Nnamdi Asomugha correctly, with 70% citing excessive intoxication as the cause, and the remaining 18% listing “Go fuck yourself” as the primary reason.

“Somewhere along the line, we stopped paying attention to the games and just buckled down on getting hammered and destroying our kids’ self esteem,” explained 12-year season ticket holder Mitch McDougle.

McDougle went on to say that he didn’t even make it inside for the Redskins game Week 16, after an incident where he encountered a young child in a Robert Griffin III Redskins jersey and “showed him who’s boss.”

Bobby DelVechio, a local bartender, described the Eagles’ struggles as “good for business” as fans have turned enthusiastically to alcoholism during the Michael Vick era. He only hopes that new coach Chip Kelly can deliver a similar level of cruel mediocrity to the franchise.

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After a flurry of complaints and widespread confusion, Major League Baseball responded to rumors that MLB.com was erroneously listing the Kansas City Royals in first place in the AL Central.

“Our website isn’t broken” said CIO John McHale Jr. “The Kansas City Royals really are in first place. The Twins are right behind them. The AL Central is not reporting information upside-down, nor are the outcomes of games being altered to promote parity. Our website is safe, secure, and functioning properly.”

A report in the New York Post alleging “possibly dozens of compromised final scores, or maybe a website error involving a highly skilled and maybe dangerous hacker from Kansas City” had prompted a wave of thousands of angry emails to flood McHale’s inbox.

McHale fielded questions during a 22-minute press conference following the Royals’ rainout against the Detroit Tigers, growing visibly agitated by its conclusion. “For Christ’s sake it’s been less than 20 games. Talk to me when the Rays or Astros make the playoffs.”

At the same press conference, the lone All-Star from last season’s squad, Billy Butler, said he hopes the Royals will continue to play .500 ball. “It’s about time we had a chance in this division.”

Following the washout in Detroit against the defending American League Champions, which the Royals are considering “as good as a tie,” Billy Butler suggested Kansas City plans to defy the odds at least through the end of the month.

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Hulk Hogan is certain Anne Frank would have been a Hulk-A-Maniac. In an exclusive interview with The Faster Times, Hogan said he was deeply insulted by Justin Bieber’s suggestion that the famous Holocaust diarist might have been a “Belieber” had she survived Hitler’s reign of terror.

“Justin is a good kid, but he is way off on this one,” said Hogan. “Everything we know about Anne Frank suggests she would have been a balls-to-the-wall Hulk-A-Maniac.”

“What really kills me,” said Hogan, “is that Anne didn’t live long enough to see my leg drop on Andre the Giant in Wrestle Mania III.” Hogan paused to wipe the tears from his eyes. “I’m just so thankful that the Hulk-a-Mania spirit lives on her book.”

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The term “furry“ has several definitions, including people who like to role play anthropomorphic characters while wearing furry costumes and people who are sexually aroused by furry costumes.

“I’m talking about the kind that like to bone each other,” said the punter, who asked to remain anonymous.

Furries-rights supporters are hopeful such a coordinated move would further push public support toward their cause.

“This could be huge for guys like me,” said Arctic Liger Sexy Claws from the lobby of a furry fandom convention in Tallahassee. “It would show the world that we are just like everybody else when we’re not having wild orgies in panda costumes.”

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Wild bobcats in the North Carolina area are suing Michael Jordan, owner of the Charlotte Bobcats and star of What The F*** Is Michael Jordan Wearing, for gross defamation.

The wild bobcats are arguing that their reputation has been grossly and irreparably damaged by the Charlotte Hornets’ putrid performance under Jordan’s watch, citing the Charlotte Bobcats’ 25-116 record over the past two seasons and the fact that the team starts Byron Freaking Mullens.

“You try getting laid when everyone looks at you and thinks of Josh McRoberts,” said one wild bobcat that wished to remain anonymous.

The suit pointed to the Bobcats indefensible selection of Adam Morrison with the third overall pick in the NBA draft as just one of many examples of gross negligence, and noted that you’d have to be blackout drunk on a golf course to trade Tyson Chandler for Erick Dampier, as the Bobcats did in the summer of 2010.

The wild bobcats also allege that Jordan’s awful management of the Bobcats has led wild bobcats to be shunned by other members of the animal kingdom. “The grizzlies won’t even look at us,” said Robert, a representative for the North Carolina area wild bobcats. “It’s really hard to garner any respect in the animal kingdom when the best player associated with you is Kemba Walker. Seriously, MJ, that’s the best you could do?”

Jordan was not available for comment, a representative for Jordan told The Faster Times that Jordan was busy hiring Charles Oakley to beat up David Stern for constantly calling him to make fun of the team.

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