“I couldn’t hide it any longer,” Watson announced at a press conference early Monday morning, wearing what until today would have been a very uncharacteristic shorts, Red Sox shirt and backwards baseball cap outfit. “I’ve been living a lie, and it’s time to come forward. I’m straight.”

The announcement took many by surprise. Even Kitty Kennedy, Watson’s long-time pairs skating partner, was shocked. “There was one time,” Kennedy said, “during Beijing, when I caught him reading Maxim, but I just assumed it was Olympic nerves. Still, I’m so happy that he feels comfortable enough to do this.”

Watson has said the reactions so far have been mostly positive. “I hope my actions today inspire other skaters to come forward. This is 2013, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to be with a woman.”

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“It’s no surprise home teams have won 56% of puck battles when a fan starts banging on the glass,” said Melrose during a 28-second hockey segment on last night’s SportsCenter.

Melrose first noticed this phenomenon while coaching the Tampa Bay Lightning. The Bolts won just five of his 16 games behind the bench before being fired. “We didn’t have that one crazy ass fan banging on the glass, and I think it showed in our performance,” Melrose explained with disdain. “We had this one little kid who would give it a shot, but the world hadn’t yet stripped him of everything in his life but hockey, so his level of fury was pretty inadequate.”

In the playoffs, the effects seem to be magnified. Former front-row glass banger and ex-Philadelphia Flyers season ticket holder Adam Miller knows what it’s like to impact a game. “During our playoff run in 2010, I was the guy banging on the glass for Philadelphia,” recalls Miller. “My glass banging got us to the finals, and we were unbeaten on home ice going into Game Six. But then it all changed.”

As Patrick Kane skated into the zone for a tough-angle shot from the corner in overtime, Miller froze up as he contemplated whether to bang on the glass. As the puck squirted in, Miller knew he might have cost the Flyers a championship.

Soon after, Miller’s girlfriend left him after she witnessed the superior skill of the Bruins fan banging on that liquor store fridge in the Coors Light commercial. Soon after, Miller gave up glass banging for good, and his Flyers haven’t made the playoffs since.

Unfortunately, Melrose’s segment ended abruptly when he was asked about the best glass bangers he’d ever seen and digressed into an uncomfortable anecdote about two strippers and a bong in Thailand.

Image via Bleacher Report

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For the number of times Philadelphia Eagles fans saw the back of Nnamdi Asomugha’s jersey chasing a wide receiver heading to the endzone, it follows that they would at least remember how to spell his last name. A recent poll of Eagles season ticket holders, however, suggests many claim to have been too drunk the past two years to remember the high-profile cornerback much at all. In a recent survey, 88% of season ticket holders failed to spell Nnamdi Asomugha correctly, with 70% citing excessive intoxication as the cause, and the remaining 18% listing “Go fuck yourself” as the primary reason.

“Somewhere along the line, we stopped paying attention to the games and just buckled down on getting hammered and destroying our kids’ self esteem,” explained 12-year season ticket holder Mitch McDougle.

McDougle went on to say that he didn’t even make it inside for the Redskins game Week 16, after an incident where he encountered a young child in a Robert Griffin III Redskins jersey and “showed him who’s boss.”

Bobby DelVechio, a local bartender, described the Eagles’ struggles as “good for business” as fans have turned enthusiastically to alcoholism during the Michael Vick era. He only hopes that new coach Chip Kelly can deliver a similar level of cruel mediocrity to the franchise.

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After a flurry of complaints and widespread confusion, Major League Baseball responded to rumors that MLB.com was erroneously listing the Kansas City Royals in first place in the AL Central.

“Our website isn’t broken” said CIO John McHale Jr. “The Kansas City Royals really are in first place. The Twins are right behind them. The AL Central is not reporting information upside-down, nor are the outcomes of games being altered to promote parity. Our website is safe, secure, and functioning properly.”

A report in the New York Post alleging “possibly dozens of compromised final scores, or maybe a website error involving a highly skilled and maybe dangerous hacker from Kansas City” had prompted a wave of thousands of angry emails to flood McHale’s inbox.

McHale fielded questions during a 22-minute press conference following the Royals’ rainout against the Detroit Tigers, growing visibly agitated by its conclusion. “For Christ’s sake it’s been less than 20 games. Talk to me when the Rays or Astros make the playoffs.”

At the same press conference, the lone All-Star from last season’s squad, Billy Butler, said he hopes the Royals will continue to play .500 ball. “It’s about time we had a chance in this division.”

Following the washout in Detroit against the defending American League Champions, which the Royals are considering “as good as a tie,” Billy Butler suggested Kansas City plans to defy the odds at least through the end of the month.

The post MLB: No, Our Website Isn’t Broken, The Royals Really Are In First Place appeared first on The Faster Times.

Hulk Hogan is certain Anne Frank would have been a Hulk-A-Maniac. In an exclusive interview with The Faster Times, Hogan said he was deeply insulted by Justin Bieber’s suggestion that the famous Holocaust diarist might have been a “Belieber” had she survived Hitler’s reign of terror.

“Justin is a good kid, but he is way off on this one,” said Hogan. “Everything we know about Anne Frank suggests she would have been a balls-to-the-wall Hulk-A-Maniac.”

“What really kills me,” said Hogan, “is that Anne didn’t live long enough to see my leg drop on Andre the Giant in Wrestle Mania III.” Hogan paused to wipe the tears from his eyes. “I’m just so thankful that the Hulk-a-Mania spirit lives on her book.”

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The term “furry“ has several definitions, including people who like to role play anthropomorphic characters while wearing furry costumes and people who are sexually aroused by furry costumes.

“I’m talking about the kind that like to bone each other,” said the punter, who asked to remain anonymous.

Furries-rights supporters are hopeful such a coordinated move would further push public support toward their cause.

“This could be huge for guys like me,” said Arctic Liger Sexy Claws from the lobby of a furry fandom convention in Tallahassee. “It would show the world that we are just like everybody else when we’re not having wild orgies in panda costumes.”

The post Four NFL Mascots to Come Out as Furries on Same Day appeared first on The Faster Times.

Wild bobcats in the North Carolina area are suing Michael Jordan, owner of the Charlotte Bobcats and star of What The F*** Is Michael Jordan Wearing, for gross defamation.

The wild bobcats are arguing that their reputation has been grossly and irreparably damaged by the Charlotte Hornets’ putrid performance under Jordan’s watch, citing the Charlotte Bobcats’ 25-116 record over the past two seasons and the fact that the team starts Byron Freaking Mullens.

“You try getting laid when everyone looks at you and thinks of Josh McRoberts,” said one wild bobcat that wished to remain anonymous.

The suit pointed to the Bobcats indefensible selection of Adam Morrison with the third overall pick in the NBA draft as just one of many examples of gross negligence, and noted that you’d have to be blackout drunk on a golf course to trade Tyson Chandler for Erick Dampier, as the Bobcats did in the summer of 2010.

The wild bobcats also allege that Jordan’s awful management of the Bobcats has led wild bobcats to be shunned by other members of the animal kingdom. “The grizzlies won’t even look at us,” said Robert, a representative for the North Carolina area wild bobcats. “It’s really hard to garner any respect in the animal kingdom when the best player associated with you is Kemba Walker. Seriously, MJ, that’s the best you could do?”

Jordan was not available for comment, a representative for Jordan told The Faster Times that Jordan was busy hiring Charles Oakley to beat up David Stern for constantly calling him to make fun of the team.

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According to Jones, Cruz’s celebratory dance begins the moment he ejaculates. “Don’t you think for a second he’s waiting around for me,” Jones said.

Cruz, for his part, says he has no intention of discontinuing his post-coital celebration. “Victor Cruz loves to celebrate,” Cruz said, breaking into his signature dance even as this reporter spoke with him.

After finishing his routine, Cruz began to encourage this reporter to join him, which he did. This reporter then immediately understood the transformational power of the salsa and now does it after sex as well — or, at least, he would if women would just learn to look beyond his severe acne and acerbic wit.

The post Girlfriend Asks Victor Cruz to Stop Doing Salsa After Intercourse appeared first on The Faster Times.

Asked by a reporter if he meant to say “one game at a time,” Durant looked annoyed. “Why would I only focus on one game? Is it really that hard to focus on two or even three games at once?” Added Durant, “Who knows? Maybe I’ll go crazy and think about the entire season. Maybe even the playoffs.”

NBA officials confirmed that no player in league history has ever tried to take things at more than one game at a time. “It’s certainly an interesting experiment,”said incoming NBA Commissioner, Adam Silver. “I’ll be curious to see how it plays out.”

Asked to respond to Silver’s comments, Durant shook his head. “It’s not an experiment,” he said. “I’m just thinking about more than one thing at once.”

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One day after celebrating a San Francisco 49ers touchdown by dropping to the grass, bending his body into a pretzel, and fellating himself, quarterback Colin Kaepernick apologized to his fans. “It’s clear that I went too far with my celebration,” Kaepernick said. “I just got lost in the excitement of my own magnificence.”

The move, already dubbed “KaeperDicking,” is quickly becoming a social media sensation, with tens of thousands of adoring fans posting their own self-fellatio shots on Facebook and Instagram.

“There’s simply no place in our league for players who suck themselves off,” said an NFL spokesman Daryl Elkins, who acknowledged that there is no actual rule against the practice.

Kaepernick, who has been fined $35,000 by the NFL, said that he also plans to donate money to a charity that helps teens who aren’t flexible enough to pleasure themselves.

The post Kaepernick Apologizes for Fellating Himself After Touchdown appeared first on The Faster Times.