NFL Spread Picks Week 16: The Peyton Manning Revenge Special
RAMS (-4) over Bucs
It’s so cute the way Greg Schiano says things like, “We’re a couple pieces away from being a dominant defense,’’ as if he’s actually going to have a job in two weeks.
Browns (+2.5) over JETS
The fact that New Yorkers won’t be allowed to see Saints-Panthers at 1 pm because this game is on is a fucking crime. I don’t get that rule. No one is going to become a Jets fan just because they were forced to watch a meaningless game against the Browns in December. I’m too lazy to figure out who’s actually responsible for this, so I’m just going to blame Time Warner Cable.
BILLS (+3) over Dolphins
CHIEFS (-7) over Colts
I fucking love this Chiefs team—the dreadlocks! Andy Reid as the Kool-Aid man! Procrastinating on the NFL stats page and realizing things like, “Holy shit, Alex Smith has thrown 50 touchdowns and 17 interceptions since 2011!” It’s a damn shame they’re doomed to lose in Indy as big favorites in Round 1.
Falcons (+13) over 49ERS
Last week’s epic Ravens-Lions finish aside, ESPN has really bad luck picking late-season Monday Night Football matchups. I bet that Jon Gruden throws an epic sideline fits every time NBC flexes a great game, but it’s probably for his own good. Maaaatt Ryan versus Col-IN Kaepernick will already damn-near give the man an aneurism this week, and this game is borderline meaningless.
PANTHERS (-3) over Saints
Is it weird that the Saints bipolar home/away performance reminds me of a lot of the girls I’ve dated? And that it kind of turns me on? That’s pretty weird, right?
Cowboys (-2.5) over REDSKINS
It’s predestined that the Cowboys will win this game, setting up a defacto NFC East Championship Game against the Eagles. They will, of course, lose that game 48-7. The camera will pan to Tony Romo, sitting on the bench, nostalgic for those simpler days when he was doing lines of coke off the Simpson twins in Cancun with Jason Witten, and all was sunny and bright.
LIONS (-9) over Giants
Oh god, my Eagles-fan relatives are going to be insufferable this Christmas. No one’s gotten punched since the infamous Xmas of ’07. We’re definitely due.
EAGLES (-3) over Bears
Or I’ll just cut the shit and admit that I really like Chip Kelly. Point of caution: If the Cowboys win, this game will be pretty meaningless for the Eagles. Week 17 will be the NFC East Championship game no matter what.
Vikings (+8.5) over BENGALS
The Vikings are sneaky decent. They’re 3-2-1 since November 7th, with losses in Seattle (inevitable) and Baltimore (by 3 in a game they won and lost 18 times in the last two minutes). If games were 58:43 seconds long, they’d be 9-5 and on top of the NFC North. Matt Cassell looks incredibly competent. Take the points, and the money line (+330).
Broncos (-10) over TEXANS
Peyton Manning has had 10 days to stew over that Chargers loss. Be afraid.
Raiders (+10) over CHARGERS
Phillip Rivers, conversely, has had 10 days to stare at himself in the mirror and scream, “WHO’S A SEXY SEXY MAN!!!”
JAGUARS (+5) over Titans
I believe in Gus Bradley. Within 3 years, they’ll be a scrappy, physical 9-7 bunch. That’s pretty much the ceiling for this franchise until they’re reborn in London.
Steelers (+2.5) over PACKERS
Matt Flynn looks like he’s going to cry on 65% of his dropbacks.
RAVENS (-2) over Patriots
You know what’s pretty awesome? After this week, we could have four different play-in games in Week 17:
Eagles-Cowboys for the NFC East crown.
Bengals-Ravens for the AFC North.
49ers-Cardinals for the 6-seed.
Packers-Bears for the NFC North.
Now that’d be a fucking Christmas present.
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