NFL Spread Picks Week 15: Funky Fresh Wade Phillips Is Coming To Town

TITANS (+3) over Cardinals

Cardinals (-3) is the kind of bet that sounds great until it’s 1:33 PM on Sunday and a jet-lagged Carson Palmer is on the sidelines blowing hot air into his hands and looking like your hungover dad the day after Christmas.

COLTS (-5) over Texans

For the second straight year, the Colts are the playoff team that everyone can’t wait to bet against in the first round. But things are getting a little out of hand. The Texans would be 7-point underdogs in Tampa Bay. Wade Phillips is coaching that team now! He looks like Santa Claus’s disappointing cousin. Let’s give Andrew Luck a little credit.

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BUCCANEERS (+5) over 49ers

Speaking of the Bucs and west coast teams playing at 1 pm with serious jet lag! This is probably Greg Schiano’s last chance to save his job, and to be honest, I’m rooting for him. The NFL is far more fun with old-school NFL coaches who believe that men are best sculpted through a never-ending nightmare of physical and verbal abuse; it gives me a great sense of generational pride. Us Millennials don’t believe in that crap! We don’t believe in much of anything, really, but that’s besides the point.

I bet the more social media savvy Bucs players just spend all day sending each other Greg Schiano memes.

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via quickmeme

Patriots (Pick ‘Em) over DOLPHINS

I can’t picture a split-screen of Bill Belichick and Joe Philbin and then actually bet on the Dolphins in good faith.

 Bears (-1) over BROWNS

The Bears would be legit favorites if Josh McCown was starting instead of Jay Cutler. Football is fucking weird.

Saints (-6.5) over RAMS

Home isn’t the key for the Saints; it’s the dome. (See what I did there?) You do have to wonder about the Saints dome-centric strategy, though. The Saints are built to play indoors on turf, and that strategy basically necessitates getting the 1-seed in the playoffs, or getting lucky enough to play on the road in some other dome in the postseason (Atlanta, St. Louis, Minnesota, Detroit, and Dallas … wow, there are more NFC dome teams than I realized).

That strategy worked in 2009, when the Saints captured the one-seed with a 13-3 record and won the Super Bowl. And my gut says that the Dome strategy helps them overall. But it sucks for the Saints in year’s like this, when the Saints are probably doomed to lose to the Seahawks in the NFC Championship Game.

Eagles (-5.5) over VIKINGS

I feel like, when I was younger, I was more gleefully and viciously biased. The Eagles were fucking evil; there wasn’t any question about it. There was no beauty in Andy Reid’s finely executed West Coast offense; no wonder in Donavan Mcnabb’s bulldog scrambling style. They just sucked and were my sworn enemies because they wore green, and hating them was immensely enjoyable.

Overall, it’s probably a good thing to lose the ability to truly hate with arbitrary discrimination — it’s a slippery slope from hoping that Andy Reid misses the game following a nacho cheese to ending up on Fox News babbling to imaginary racist children about how Santa is white.

And plus, you have to admit that Chip Kelly’s offense is awesome to watch, and that his bucking of the NFL’s anti-innovation status quo is great for the league. It’s the first step towards us getting a coach ballsy enough to punt rarely, play two quarterbacks at the same time, or ditch the conventional 5-man bunch offensive line. How much more fun would that make the NFL?

Chiefs (-5) over RAIDERS

Following the Broncos stunning loss against the Chargers, the Chiefs have the one-seed in their sights yet again. Which is great, because Arrowhead might just cause an earthquake if they get a home playoff game.

STEELERS (+1.5) over Bengals

Cue the talking heads rambling about how the Bengals can’t handle success.

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COWBOYS (-6.5) over Packers

Can we just skip to the part where the Cowboys lose 42-10 to the Eagles in a must-win Week 17 and finish one game out of the playoffs for the 70-billionth time?

PANTHERS (-10) over Jets

The game where the Panthers bounce back by feeding on Geno Smith’s soul. Let the Rex Ryan firing rumors commence! C’mon, the NY Post‘s back-page needs this, guys.

JAGUARS (+2.5) over Bills

I believe in the Jaguars! That’s not something I ever expected to say seriously.

Redskins (+7) over FALCONS

Because isn’t a Kirk Cousins-RG III off-season QB controversy completely inevitable with the Skins?

Seahawks (-7) over GIANTS

I know a Giants team in late-season give up mode when I see one.

Ravens (+6) over LIONS

Whenever I think of the Ravens, I picture a shirtless Terrell Suggs bursting into a warehouse marked “playoffs” strapped with two machine guns and screaming like a lunatic. Maybe I should talk to my therapist about that.

LAST WEEK: 7-7

SEASON: 87-77-4

Joe Lazauskas
Editor of The Faster Times. Managing Editor at Contently. Twitter: @joelazauskas ...read more

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