NFL Spread Picks Week 13: The Legend of Andy Reid

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CHIEFS (+5) over Broncos

I’m especially impressed by obese coaches. Yesterday, lying on the couch moaning after eating a third of a turkey, half a brisket, and 45% of a pumpkin pie, my stomach ballooning to a physics-defining size, I realize that this must be what Andy Reid feels like all the time. Or at least a significant amount of the time. And yet, he’s one of the best football coaches on the planet, working his ass off 20 hours a day to outsmart the most brilliant football minds in the world.

How does he do it? It’s really hard to manage people when they can do their job 50,000 times better than you can. How does Andy Reid demand hustle, effort and stamina from 53 men when he’s probably out of brEath after two flights of stairs? How do you demand that your special teams players sprint through the entire play when doing so would give you a heart attack? It’s a bigger difference than someone like Tom Coughlin, who’s just too old for this shit. (Although I do think Coughlin would totally find the strength to lay an old school hit on DeSean Jackson over the middle if need be.) Andy Reid’s physique actively tells his players: “I have no interest in doing what you do.”

And yet, he’s still an incredible coach, and his players love him, and that’s awesome. That can’t be easy to pull off. Do Chiefs players just have such an strong, sub-conscious love of the Kool-Aid man that they’ll follow Andy Reid to the ends of the earth? It’s mystifying. I’ve always heard that Andy Reid is one cool-ass mofo, and with the management skills to pull off what he’s pulled off the past 15 years with the Eagles and Chiefs, he has to be.

As for this game—The Chiefs D and the Arrowhead Crowd make me feel totally comfortable taking the points—or at least as comfortable as you can feel going against Peyton Manning in a big-time matchup.

Giants (Pick ‘Em) over REDSKINS

The executives at NBC must all be drunkenly optimistic Giants and Redskins fans. That’s the only explanation for why the network didn’t swap out this game for something better at the deadline two weeks ago.

After Ahmad Brooks said that RG III wasn’t ready and shouldn’t be playing earlier this week, there was even more RG III debate than usual. Skeptics of Brooks’ theory pointed to solid performances by RG III against the Bears, Chargers and Vikings, with a stinker against the Broncos in between. If he wasn’t ready to play, wouldn’t it show up every week?

Not necessarily. It’s obvious that RG III’s mechanics are messed up. Instead of confidently throwing through his plant leg, he’s shuffling around like he’s more constipated than Andy Reid after a biscuit-heavy trip to KFC. That’s going to result in inconsistent throws, and inconsistent play game-to-game.

Buccaneers (-8) over PANTHERS

Here comes the Bucs! Maybe Greg Schiano has a stick so far up his ass, he can only relax and coach successfully when he’s almost certain that he’s going to lose his job. Just watch: After pulling the unexpected upset here, Schiano realizes that he’s on-pace to keep his job, freaks out, and the Bucs collapse to 4-12.

VIKINGS (-1) over Bears

The Bears defense is so bad, yo fatass mama could run for 100 yards.

Adrian Peterson might run for 350.

Patriots (-7.5) over TEXANS

I don’t know about you, but I’ve already grown bored of the Texans quarterback controversy. I never would have expected that when Texans fans were burning Matt Schaub jerseys in the parking lot following a heartbreaking Week 4 loss to the Seahawks, but really, they blew their load too early. I got jersey burning, the new Tony Romo, and the jersey-burning failed redemption plotlines all before Thanksgiving. I’m bored. Next.

BILLS (-3) over Falcons

The Falcons are 2-9, but I suppose one conciliation is that they get to go spend the weekend in Buffalo instead of Toronto for this one. The Bills, meanwhile, are only 1 game out of the playoffs in the loss column and have A REASON TO BELIEVE. That’s a phrase the announcers will repeat at least 16 times on Sunday. Sixty eight times if Gus Johnson gets the nod.

COLTS (-3.5) over Titans

Something looks terribly, terribly wrong with the Colts after losing Reggie Wayne. Buyt after watching Andrew Luck find a way to beat the Colts two weeks ago in Tennessee on Thursday two weeks ago, it’s hard to imagine how he won’t find a way to do it again. And if he doesn’t, at least he’ll be around some sweet fucking bars with a neck beard that’ll make the country girls swoon.

CHARGERS (PICK ‘EM) over Bengals

The past few weeks, the difference between Phillip Rivers and Andy Dalton has been equivalent to the difference between San Diego and Cincinnatti in December.

6 BEER BETS

49ERS (-8) over Rams

Kellen Clemens 2007 season with the Jets was the 6th-worst qualifying year by a quarterback since 2006, according to ESPN’s QBR rankings. He’s sandwiched between Blaine Gabbert and JT O’Sullivan. I don’t care if that was six years ago and he’s looked surprisingly mediocre this season. I just can’t bet on Blaine Gabbert Sr.

It makes me feel dirty.

Jaguars (+7) over BROWNS

If you find yourself betting on this game, you have a gambling problem.

JETS (-2) over Dolphins

The winner of this game is going to be tied for the 6th spot with the Ravens. I’d be honored to bet against either one of them in Round 1.

EAGLES (-3) over Cardinals

I’m convulsing and frothing at the mouth like a Harry Potter character disobeying a spell as I write this, but the Eagles are pretty fucking good—right now, they’re my pick as the 3-seed in the NFC.

Saints (+5.5) over SEAHAWKS

An incredibly difficult game to call. This is the pick now, but I’ll inevitably end up betting on the Hawks after 11 hours of prodding by my Seattle fan friends make me watch 17 different Russell Wilson and Richard Sherman YouTube videos on Sunday.

They’re both just so beautiful in their own ways.

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LAST WEEK: 4-9

SEASON: 80-70-4

 

Joe Lazauskas
Editor of The Faster Times. Managing Editor at Contently. Twitter: @joelazauskas ...read more

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