NFL Spread Picks Week 12: Clemens vs. McCown — An Acid Trip Back To 2003

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BEST BETS

Jaguars (+10) over TEXANS

Everyone talks about the Jaguars being an NFL-record 27-point underdog to the Broncos as a definitive low-point, for the franchise but I think that this is far worse.

The Broncos have a historically incredible offense; it’s not hard to imagine any team losing to them by 28 points on the wrong day. Being a double-digit underdog against a 2-8 team with the saddest quarterback controversy since Ryan Lindley vs. John Skelton is far, far worse.

Buccaneers (+9.5) over LIONS

What can I say—I love terrible teams from Florida playing on the road! The Bucs look revitalized—and downright average—the best couple of weeks. That’s more than enough to cover this spread.

Broncos (-2.5) over PATRIOTS

If both of these offenses are “explosive,” then the Broncos are a nuclear missile, while the Pats are a cherry bomb in a high school bathroom toilet.

Panthers (-4.5) over DOLPHINS

The third best team in football against the NFL’s version of Maury? Yes, please.

Steelers (+1) over BROWNS

Hey, Joe, wanna pick a sixth straight road team? Well, this bet does look delicious. Any opportunity to get against the Browns is appetizing, really. They’re the kind of uniquely inept team that can hold a team to 224 total yards and still allow 41 points—as they proved last week.

CHIEFS (-4) over Chargers

The perpetually disrespected Chiefs! They’re like that guy in your office who puts his head down and works his ass off, yet the bosses doubt him for no real reason. Vegas seems convinced that Kansas City is middle-management material.

Colts (+2.5) over CARDINALS

Something tells me that Andrew Luck is a very dangerous football player after you give him 10 days to stew over all the haters and study film. He’s like Peyton in that way. Speaking of which, we’re about 5 years away from Peyton retiring, becoming Luck’s new offensive coordinator, and the two going on a magical three-peat. If they can somehow get Tebow involved, ESPN might explode.

49ers (-6) over REDSKINS

RG III only looks like himself when the Skins are down by three touchdowns. The rest of the time, he’s pretty much Billy Joe Hobert.

6 BEER BETS

RAIDERS (Pick ‘Em) over Titans

For the sake of the bay area, I really hope that they get the Red Zone Channel.

Jets (+3.5) over RAVENS

This is the Jets turn to play well. Plus, the Ravens only seem to play games that are decided by a field goal. (And Joe Flacco’s overall incompetence.)

GIANTS (-2.5) over Cowboys

If the Giants pull off their fifth straight win, we’re going to see two fan bases completely lose their shit for completely different reasons.

PACKERS (-4) over Vikings

Scott Tolzien didn’t look bad last week against the Giants. Although that could just be me trying to talk myself into the idea that it doesn’t matter that the Giants haven’t played a half-decent quarterback in 6 weeks.

Bears (Pick ‘Em) over RAMS

Kellen Clemens vs. Josh McCown! I feel like I’m having a bad acid trip back to a 2003 pre-season game.

Last Week: 9-1-2

Season: 76-61-4

Joe Lazauskas
Editor of The Faster Times. Managing Editor at Contently. Twitter: @joelazauskas ...read more

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